Sorry for the long long long time absence, because I just welcomed a new life to my family. Yes, I'm a mom now:) So, maybe my next story will be something about baby? LOL, who knows.
Anyway. This story is heading to its end, I suppose, and it will be AO, (or breaking up AO? Seems something bad is gonna happen to our beloved Alex. )
And this chapter contains something adult and violence, so, you're warned.
Enjoy!
CHAPTER 37
It wasn't that he wanted to snoop nor even started this. His 11 years experiences of being her partner were seriously warning that she would definitely kill him if he dared. But he gotta do it, do it with his eyes wide open.
He was going to undress her, undress Olivia Benson for Holy Christ's sake.
God… what he was about to do disgusted him. Despite the only reason here was to prevent her from maybe hypothermia or worse, he still felt like he was betraying her, abusing her trust, even taking advantage of her.
Though, all these inner conflicts above was just a millisecond. His own freezing numb hands had already started the work.
Hurry. Hurry up, dammit!
"Liv, Liv? Hang on… you're gonna be warmed up just in one minute, alright? One, fucking, minute. C'mon, you with me?"
-Doctor Hilda Collins's office-
"Good morning Olivia! You're early today."
"Morning, doc." Olivia smiled politely, perfectly covering the flush on her checks. It was more like a "come early or cancel" kind of morning, actually.
"Nice cut, by the way. You look better than the last time we met." Doctor Collins welcomed her patient with a warm handshake.
Escaping from that strong hand, Olivia's awkward hand crawled to her shorter hair. Somehow, this psychiatrist always felt a little bit… too shining to lay eyes on. At least, her halo kinda made the brunette even more ashamed of her own negativeness. "Thanks, doc. And you… rearranged the furniture?"
"Oh, I did. I believe it's more comfortable for my patients to stay away from the bright light of the window. You like it?"
Olivia nodded right away, appreciating the psychiatrist smoothed the awkwardness of her subject changing. "I do! It's- it's better."
"Ok, so. Please sit. How are you doing lately? Sleep? Appetite?"
Resting her cane against the couch, Olivia carefully sat herself down, shifting those aching knees to a relatively comfortable position. "Well," She cleared throat, "I eat, I sleep, … getting used to everything. Yeah, I feel the workout and diary thing work for me."
"That's good. And the nightmares?"
"That's one of what I've been getting used to." She shrugged with a sad smile. "Sometimes I could tell it was a dream before woke up. So, it's a good sign, I suppose?"
"Definitely. It shows that your brain started to consciously analyze and process traumas and memories, which hopefully would reduce the flashbacks. Like I said, time heals. Maybe not that fast, but we'll see the effect."
Olivia nodded. "And I've been trying to enjoy more socializing, and… I got a job."
The psychiatrist widened eyes. "Wow, that's great! Tell me about that."
"It's a flower shop. I'm learning flower art while help with the wedding, funeral, gala business."
"That's pretty much a fantasy of most girls. You made me jealous. Congratulations. I'm happy for you, Olivia."
"Thanks. It was unbelievable… Last time I looked for a job was like a hundred years ago, when the internet was still a sci-fi."
" ?"
"Yah, that one."
"Nice. So, how did you make the choice?" She crossed her legs with interest.
"Well, retired cops usually do security, P.I., trainer, or run a business of their own… But I don't have that many options. So I just tried some part-time jobs, but not really expected any reply. Anyway, long story short. Eventually, this job came from an old friend, who several years ago was a victim of a… case I worked on, and somehow she… knew about… my situation. So, beyond generous, she offered me this. It's… Well, I actually feel shame about taking charity. It's just… I mean, I appreciate. I really do…"
"You helped her, she helped you. It's ok to take people's kindness and thanks, Olivia. It's how the friendships deepen, not a shame at all."
If you say so… The brunette nodded, compressing her lips into a light smile.
"How's your daily job? You like it?"
"I do. It makes me…" she looked out the window. The morning sun rays streamed through tree leaves. "…happy, and calm. I never dreamt I would live on watching all those tender spirits bloom, fade, taken away… it soothes my heart, a lot."
"Animals and plants are the best therapy. I'm glad you got this amazing job. It truly is a good beginning."
"Yeah, I agree."
"You got a beautiful smile, Olivia. And I just realized it might be the first time I saw it. Hope I'd see it more often."
It got her flushed. "Thanks. I uh, I hope so." What now? Are we done with the catch-ups?
While the elder woman smiled back, she wrote on her notebook:
Dodge.
Guard.
Confidence & Safety?
-Meanwhile-
-At The Airport-
To call, or not to call, that was the question, especially when her cellphone was dying, and the charge had been left in the hotel room.
Alex Cabot rolled eyes at her high-school girl's struggle.
Alright, surprise her. That's it.
Since the Benson smile shone really lovely when she pictured presenting herself in front of her. But, damn, holding back the urge of grabbing the phone and pressing quick dial, was truly biting her on the heart, especially when the endless time felt like impossible to kill, thanks to the delayed flight.
now what?
Another coffee, she would definitely spend her night counting sheep in bed, and…
Speaking of sleep… Her mind quickly shifted to that night.
It burned up her face as soon as the brunette's heavy breaths popped in her ears.
{-"… you're so beautiful…"-
-"I really have no idea what to do or how."-
That sent a grin on her face.
-"It's the moment of ours. Just...fuck me, fuck those sick memories out of our minds."-
-"Touch me, Lex."-
-"C'mon, Alex. Fuck me."-}
But the exciting beating of her heart didn't last long, before the coldness poured in.
{-"It was me. I thought I could do this, but…"-
-"It's me… It could've been a good night, our night…, I ruined it."-
-"I… need a moment, alone."-}
…
-"Mom, actually, I am seeing someone, and not a jackass lawyer… not a him."-
-"You, you mean…"-
-"Yeah."-
-"Do I know her?"-
-"Yes,,,"-
-"Don't tell me it's Olivia Benson."-
…
Alex took a heavy breath, leaned back in her seat.
What a year. So, that was how far she had made it. Started with a cold winter, walked through ice and flowers.
Weighting all these bitterness and sweetness, she surprisingly felt she could maybe endure all the difficulties, pains, tears, sweat…, as long as having the most special woman standing by her side.
She knew what her mother would say about this: unreasoning obsession; impulsion; devoted too much to turn back; brainless… whatever.
Because whenever any tiny part of her being recalled the beauty in their nearly perfect sex, the overwhelmingly determination shut up the whole world.
God…
Alex Cabot felt like some 16 year old, who literally couldn't do anything without rolling all the details of her first lesbian intimacy between her teeth and tongue, mentally and physically.
No. Actually, as a good girl, she didn't really think about sex this much when she was a teen. Well, maybe not at all as she grown to an adult.
Honestly, Alex had never, ever, been obsessed with sex so much.
Jesus… And as smart as you, don't even know any shit about making love to a woman.
{-"I really have no idea what to do or how."-}
The next minute, she had opened her laptop, face to face with a lesbian Forum.
"…Some women are born to be lesbian. Mirrored in sex, they usually prefer Clitoral Orgasms than Vaginal Orgasms."
...
Okay… maybe time to find a more private seat.
-Doctor Hilda Collins's office-
Collins adjusted her glasses before continued. "Last time we talked on the phone, I suggested you to do some house cleaning. Can I ask how was that?"
"I did. It was good." The reply was a little too fast, which awkwardly reminded Olivia some silly 8 year old just jumped out for the easiest question. She cleared her throat. "I sorted my old clothes, shoes, photos… cleaned everything. Cost me an entire day, but, totally worth it." She lifted her eyes to meet the pale blue ones. "And I threw away a lot of things. A lot. Hard decisions."
"But you made it, after all the struggles."
"I did. When I finished, I looked around… It was like… Suddenly I felt that… I may be able to live in this apartment again." Is it necessary to say this?
The psychiatrist leaned forward. "That's truly a big step, Olivia. I'd say, part of you is ready to get out of the swamp… otherwise, you'll not be sitting here, telling me about all these efforts you've managed."
Am I? "You don't doubt that the reason I came back here is because Elliot blackmailed me?"And right away, from the psychiatrist's face, she got that it definitely wasn't a news to her.
"How you started doesn't matter. What only matters here, was where you're heading to. You're already on the way back to the right track. You feel that?"
"A little… Maybe." She smiled anyway.
Do you? "So, how did you deal with the old stuff? You know, when I clean up my house, there's always something really difficult to decide whether to keep or dump."
"Well…" Damn.
"What was that?"
The two women looked into each-other's eyes. Collins observed the mixed emotions running around in Olivia's pupils.
"It's… an old photo, I think," the brunette bowed her head, "of me and Elliot, took about ten years ago, when I first joined SVU. I… I could neither look at it, nor dump it, so I put it in the deepest corner of my storage room, along with all these old stuff from my cop days. It's just… too precious to be thrown away."
"It means a lot to you, isn't it? What the story of it? You feel like sharing?" She loosed the tension a bit.
Not really. No. "All there years, it was on my office desk. Several years ago, we went through some… fight during a case, and after that, I tried to ask for a new partner, but it didn't work eventually. And the day I came back to work, was my birthday. He picked up that photo, wrote something on the back of it, and gave it to me as a birthday gift. I flipped it over, it said-" All of a sudden, words choked in her throat."…Partners For Life." Quickly, she blinked back the threatened tears.
Collins passed tissue box quietly.
"Sorry… Lately, I've been having some hard time with… with self control."
"I understand. Drug rehabilitation can do that."
Bang, alarms went all off loudly in her body, as the air freezing in this room.
"It's ok, Olivia, I knew it."
Well, well, well. Here comes the "main course".
"I suppose, Elliot already got your permission before he told me, right?"
Permission… You kidding me. Looking away, Olivia balled the tissue and tightened her grip. "Yup. Right… Whatever, I know it's part of the deal. I'm ok with that."
Deal? "He let me know because it could be a critical change of your life."
"Yeah, of course." She was on her feet already, hobbling to the window, facing outside.
Humiliating. Angry. The psychiatrist wrote down.
"I'm sorry if it made you feel angry and betrayal-"
"Oh, no. How can I be such an ungrateful bitch after people sacrificed so much for my own good?" She turned around in a reddened face, cane accidentally knocked on the fish-tank with a bang. Within a second, these poor clownfishes were all hiding under the coral formation.
Unconsciously, the brunette took a step away. " Sorry… I uh, so, we're supposed to talk about the withdrawal, aren't we?"
"Only if you want."
"I guess, yes."
"Well, then, how about, what was the biggest fear in this battle, can I ask?"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the glass brick wall of Collins' office, in the parking lot, Elliot Stabler was shifting his body uncomfortably in his old car from time to time. The radio channels had been turned impatiently for a while, but none of them stopped any bit of the crazy replaying inside his brain.
Images shot him right in the chest like some bullet rain.
Back at that moment…
Back at that moment, it wasn't that he wanted to snoop nor even start this. His 11 years experiences of being her partner were seriously warning that she would definitely kill him. But he needed to do it, do it with his eyes wide open.
God…
So, you're gonna touch her, huh, Stabler?
Touch her, undress her, when she was fucking unconscious?
When she was unconscious, and so fucking sick?
It still disgusted him. Despite the only reason here was to prevent her from catching cold, maybe hypothermia or even worse, he still felt like he was betraying her, abusing her trust, and taking advantage of her.
He still felt like a motherfucker.
However, at that time, all these inner conflicts above was more like a millisecond mind storm, before his own freezing numb hands already worked their way to her buttons.
C'mon. Hurry up, dammit!
He clenched his chattering teeth, while his mind oddly started to talk to himself in Olivia's voice.
"What are you doing, Elliot? Don't you touch me, you son of a bitch!"
"I'm sorry, Liv, I have to do this. You need to get out of these fucking wet cloth-"
"How could you, El? How could you?"
…
Elliot threw himself out of his stuffy car, before suffocated in it.
The breeze was cool, moist, smelt like some mowed lawn, making the world immersed in it felt coming back alive, almost beautiful again. He suddenly wondered when was the last time he really enjoyed any of the mother-nature.
So, it is spring already?
He narrowed his eyes and bowed head in the bright sun. Out of nowhere, he got a feeling that the universe ran like a machine, a heartless, cruel chariot, crushing people's sorrow and joy without mercy. Looking backward, no matter how tough, how horrible these days living in hell were, now they just vanished like morning fog.
Elliot was beyond grateful that the hardest days had passed. Thank God… cuz the withdrawal had literally, brutally burnt both of them out.
-At The Airport-
Stretching herself, Alex sighed to the heavy raining sky. "What the…"
She wondered whether the bad luck had been stuck on her back or something. First, the awful family reunion, flight delayed, lost cellphone charger, and now she had no umbrella.
Never mind.
Now I'll definitely surprise her.
And just as she moving her leg, a strong hand grabbed on her wrist.
"Need any help, Lady?"
-Doctor Hilda Collins's office-
The biggest fear?
…
Fear…
T Walker's laughter echoed in her ears out of the blue.
{-"'Fearlessness'. Really?"-}
She swallowed drily.
{-"Fear must have been eating you alive since you were a little girl."-}
Stop.
Olivia gritted teeth.
The withdrawal, you're supposed to review the withdrawal, Benson.
Focus.
C'mon, focus...
{"Fine! I'm calling her myself."
Elliot grabbed the phone before she reached it. "Liv, she's not gonna get you any more. You know that shit is NOT for long term use. You know it!"
"Oh, really? Or if she were me, bet you would have pointed your fucking gun at anyone's head to get that fucking pills!"
"What?! Hey. You know you're NOT gonna get better if keep using that substitute drug!"
"For all these years, I've been your maid 24/7, Stabler. Clean up your mess, do your paperworks, save your ass, be your punch-bad, even free hooker whenever you have a fight with your precious wife… and now you couldn't just give her a fucking call for me!"
"Olivia," his face burning up while the chest hurt like just being hit by a bullet. "… Look at me. You need to lie down. I know you're miserable now, but just give it some more minutes, it will pass before you know-"
"Fuck you, Elliot! FUCK, YOU!" She started to throw whatever on the kitchen counter at him. Plate, glass, forks… one by one hit different parts of his body and smashed on the ground.
Just as she grabbed a knife.
He jumped on her and wrested it off. "Olivia! Stop it!… Stop it, for God's sake!" He finally got her face in both hands, keeping her still, making her look directly into his eyes. "This one, will, pass, just like all the others before. I know it's killing you, but you gotta suck it up! Remember the relaxing breath? C'mon, breath in, one, breath out, two…"
"Get the fuck off my face! You motherfucker!…"
They'd wrestled for a long while, for her cop's body still remembered everything about fighting and resisting, and he mostly just used one-tenth of his power for not leaving a mark on her skin…
Eventually, she went exhausted, got pinned against the small corner of the kitchen walls, nose bleeding, gasping like just ran a marathon.
"No more fight, Benson. No more. Please… You're having a nosebleed and fever. You hear me?"
"Let… go… of me." Her eyes looked horribly bloodshot and swollen. And before he prepared, she started to scream and kick and punch again. "FUCK OFF! GET THE FUCK OUT! I CAN'T BREATH! NO!"
"Alright, alright! Don't… You just, … Hey! Liv!"
She felt like being hit by a thunder or something, before everything went dark and quiet.
And the next thing she remembered, was she curled up in her bathtub, wrapped in his arms. They were both fully dressed, soaked, shaking and showering uncontrollably in the ice cold water pouring down.
"Oh, God, thank God…," Elliot's voice drifted closer, before she actually saw his concern face. "Olivia, it's me. You hear me? Look at me. Yes, yes, God, I thought… You scared the shit out of me."
"What the-" She looked up, eyes blinked rapidly in the water coming down from shower-head.
"No, no, Don't try to move, Liv. Listen…" He quickly held her shoulders still. "I'm sorry for doing this. But your temperature was hitting 105 degrees. I got no choice. I-I had to do this before your brain fucked up or anything worse. I saw Kathy did this once when Maureen was little. It worked fast. So… you hear me? How are you feeling?"
It took her a little moment to comprehend. "I'm… co-cold. Headache." Her teeth were chattering, as well as his. "Y-You're soak… d-don't need to…" and her heart stung in a sudden guilt, seeing cold water streaming down his retreating hairline, and that unshaved jaw.
"Yes, I need to. You're having a hell of a high fever. Shaking, seizure…"
She leaned forward, trying to get up. "That's… why y-y-you're freezing me… to death."
"Wait. Liv, I know how much you wanna get out of here. Trust me, my damn balls must be no big than peas now. But just hang on for a second. I'm gonna recheck your temperature. Just make sure." He said, picking up the thermometer from the edge of the tub, gently put it in her mouth. "If you're not getting better, I'm gonna call an ambulance, seriously."
"Um. Tired…"
"You wanna sleep? Seems the fever-reducing kicked in. But not here, ok? You need to get dry, get warm…"
She thought he must have said something after that, but none of them was she could recall. Her eyelids were just too heavy to lift. }
"Olivia?"
Ripping her blank eyes from the clownfishes, the brunette found her breath back. "Yeah, I was… thinking."
{-"'Fearlessness'. Really?"-}
Get the fuck out! Goddammit!
10:28, she glanced at her watch. Less than 10 minutes before the end of this session. Where were we?
{-"That's why you need this little shit to prevent from getting hurt, scared, underestimated... all because deep down you're always a sad, broken, lonely little girl, aren't ya?"-}
She eyed the aquarium.
One clownfish, two, three, four…
{-You think you're a cop, you carry a badge and gun, so you're special? You're still gonna bow your head to me, anyway. That is life, woman."-}
It is called flashback. Typical PDST. Just…
{-"Look at you now... I wonder what kind of charitarian will be still interested in you after this. You disgusted me even."-}
Shut up! Who the fuck you think you are?
{-"No matter how many perps you got, how well you faked tough and classy, your true weak self is still the same as always and it will never change."-}
No, it's bullshit. You don't know a fucking thing!
{-"You're a newborn now, baby. A whole new screwed freak."-}
"Olivia, you're with me?"
Out of nowhere, the cane in Olivia's hand swung straightly to the glass, knocking it to the ground with a loud bang.
"SHUT UP!" The brunette pushed the table roughly, getting on her feet. "What kind of fucking question it is?! Biggest fear... What do you want me to say?! Can I answer you that I fear everything and nothing? Isn't it how all the sane people live their lives?" She was pacing the floor. "Oh, if your purpose is encouraging me to confess the reason I'm here, I'm telling you, it's all because I don't want to disappoint people again, disappoint Elliot, Alex again, I don't want to let my rapist win, and I don't want to be ungrateful to Alex Cabot's love!"
For some reason, Elliot Stabler felt like having a cigarette so bad. So he made a bee line to the first store he spotted, and got himself a pack of Camel.
God, playing with the familiar weight in between his fingers, made his body even more excited. It was hard to believe that the last time he touched this baby was the day he left military. He suddenly even felt a little proud of himself for surviving all those ugly cases and shitty days without lay a hand on this angel.
And here came the smoke.
Warm, light, soothing, tender… almost like a heart massage, weakening his knees.
Jesus…
Leaning his body heavily on the sidewall of the store, screw the world, now he just wanted to simply enjoy some beloved nicotine.
{-"Cold…"-}
Though, within a minute, his mind dropped back into those memories all over again.
…
{"C-Cold… I-I'm so c-cold…"
"I know I know, Liv. I need to remove your Goddamn wet pajama, before get you into the bed. Just a sec."
She didn't wear a bra, which wasn't a surprise to him, due to her still sore ribs and healing wounds. Even though, it also took him like forever to finally get those fucking clothes off her.
Just like he didn't hear his teeth-chattering, he was unaware that his well-trained detective eyes had precisely learned every inch of her exposed skin and read it like an open book.
Bite mark.
Gunshot wound.
Surgical scar.
Surgical scar.
Drainage tube scar.
Bite mark, again, and again… and, again.
Frostbite.
Restrain wounds. Rope.
Long long surgical scar on the right kneecap…
The Atrophied calf muscle.
And, that half amputated leg…
…
That was when he felt he understood.
Understood why she was so desperate for distraction, for relief, why the suicide attempt, why the drugs.
…
He tucked her into the bed, added a blanket, and then another blanket, and then his overcoat, but her shivering was still clearly showed.
That was why he remover all his wet clothes, too, jumped in the bed naked, and pressed his body tightly against hers. His hands rubbed, fondled, caressed the back of her neck, back, arms… while his lips repeatedly kissing her forehead, whispering soothing words in her ear… as if once he loosed any little of his cuddle, she would just break into pieces or even melt away right in his arms.
"Jesus, Liv, you're a piece of ice. How do you feel? Any better?"
Brushing sweat from the corner of her eye, he gently leaned back and looked at her face.
Her lips moved.
"Liv?"
It was barely audible. He was aware that she must be sleep talking.
"Mom? Don't go. I'm sick… So cold… Ma, I be good… don't leave… cold…"
In a instant, it raised a lump in his throat. Somewhere on the softest spot of a father's soul, hurt like hell.
"Oh, God… I'm not going anywhere. C'mon, I'm with you, babe. You'll be ok. It's gonna pass… " }
…
-Doctor Hilda Collins's office-
Olivia's apology came right after she finished another glass of water. The cold liquid somehow filled the sudden hollow in her heart with enough sanity as well as guilt.
Feeling like a flatted tire, Olivia sank deeply into the leather couch, ignoring how harshly the frustration and self-hatred had tamed her to endure Doctor Hilda Collins' observant eyes, which truly reminded her Jane Goodalla watching chimps.
"No need to apologize, Olivia. I understand." Hold on "Alex's love" in mind, the psychiatrist was aware that she had to take it easy. "You've been having flashbacks a lot, haven't you?"
Oh... Tell me about it. Empty glass in hand, Olivia suddenly missed the casualness of not holding back secrets. Yeah, maybe she was not a fan of this shrink, any shrink, but a chance of opening up to someone secure and professional, someone she didn't care so much that she didn't have the heart to share any those only God knew stuffs, seemed a truly blessing now.
"The irony is, I know so well about the healing process, victims' inspiring stories, and I even know a lot of incredibly strong victims in person, but so what?" Shrugged, she lifted the glass to her lips, and put back down awkwardly, seeing the water was all gone. "You know what traumatic experiences can do to people. To the strong ones, you can say 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. But not to the others…"
"To you?"
"To me… Well, I'm holding up, as you can see. But, part of me, some… good part of me, is falling apart." She looked up with a sad smile. "What I've been doing, is taking it out on people, on the whole world around me, which… only brings me another round of self-loathing, anxiety, angry… What a vicious circle."
"I'm aware that you've been seeing thousand of victims in your life, but it doesn't mean you have seen every single side of their lives, every step of their healing roads, and their families' struggles. Most important, you had never personally been there before. It's hard for everyone, even you. Just like people think psychiatrists never suffer from mental problems, but that was so wrong." She paused a second, let her patient absorb. "We humans have self-defense mechanism, which is an unconscious psychological mechanism that reduces pain arising from unacceptable or potentially harm. That's why the deeper we hate who hurt us, the better we hide our wounds. It's totally human nature. And that's why I believe that there's no 'strong victims' exist in the first place." She raised, refilling her patient's glass. "Holding a cup of hot tea in hand, when will you put it down?"
Their eyes met.
"When it's too hot to hold."
Olivia's eyes welled up with that. Instinctively, she tried hard not to let tears fall, until the psychiatrist's soft hand covered on hers.
"Let it go. Let it out… You can cry, shout, complain… whatever you wanna do, wanna say, you can do it here, say it to me."
Words burst out her trembling lips. "He broke me. That son of a bitch broke me. God… I keep hearing his damn voice in my ears, over and over again, mocking me… but he was good. You know? He was so damn good at jobbing the most painful spot on my heart. "
{-"You're a newborn now, baby. A whole new screwed freak."-}
Olivia slowly pushed apart from the psychiatrist's shoulders, {-"Look at you now..."-} "I'm aware that most those, were just him mentally breaking my will. But, one thing…" {-"I wonder what kind of charitarian will be still interested in you after this."-} "…he said… something as if a prediction, was…" {-"What kind of charitarian will be still interested in you… charitarian… charitarian. charitarian. charitarian…"-}
"Olivia, come back. You need a second?"
She shook her head, squeezing eyes close. Now or never. "He said," her voice trembled, "he…" she swallowed hard, as tears still ran down her face like pouring rain. "He said: 'what kind of charitarian will be still interested in you after this.' "
"'Charitarian'?"
"Yeah. Charitarian. At first, I didn't recall it, or even care to think about it. Maybe because I was too busy with surviving these physical injuries… But don't know since when," she struggled to pulled together, "it started to slap me hard in the face when… whenever people give me their care, concern… and love."
"You're afraid that it wasn't love, but charity."
She slowly looked up, nodding painfully. "It's like, he somehow spoiled the saddest secret of my life…"
"Take your time."
"I don't have a nice childhood." Bowing heard, Olivia kept playing with the tissue pieces in her hand. "I'm a product of rape. So… you can tell… " A hint of smile flashed in irony. "Looking back over my life, every time I trust someone deep enough to let down my guard, expose my history, a relationship would probably bloom, but," she paused in a sad nod, "as long as things getting farther, it usually wouldn't be long before hit the end."
"You mean, people fall in love with you because of sympathy."
"Call me empiricist, but, at least things always start at that timing. So… Anyway. Not like love, you know, sympathy is… like dew, comes with cold, dark night, evaporated in the morning sun. And, even worse…" her eyes clouded. "What if… I'm not only taking alms love, I also give it to people?"
The psychologist froze the pencil in her hand. "Do you doubt the feels you have for somebody?"
Olivia pressed her lips together, as Alex's voice drifted in her ears again:
{-"…I'm not sorry for kissing you. Olivia, I may fall in love with you. You don't need to say anything. Don't say... I just...cuz I'm not asking anything back from you."-
-"I think I fell for you since we first met, Ms butch-fabulous."
-"Feel it. Pity or love?"-}
Followed by her own voice:
{-"I'm in love with her. El, for the first time in my life, I feel so right to fall asleep and wake up with someone by my side."-}
And then, she was back in that hospital basement again.
{-"Don't! Don't touch her! I can do that. I'll do that."-
-"No!"-
-"Olivia, don't look. Close your eyes. Turn away!"-
-"Ignore her, blondie... Kneel... Mouth open... Good… If I feel any little teeth, I put a bullet in her head."-}
…
Fuck it.
Snapping eyes open, "Something I probably should tell you, doc." Olivia breathed in hard. "I slept with Alex."
-at the airport-.
It scared the hell out of the blond. She jerked off and stumbled away. "Ryan?!"
Keeping his hands in the air, Ryan McAlinden took a step backward gently. "Didn't mean to startle. Sorry. I just found a lady looked upset, and bang, your gorgeous face turned to me. Hello, Alex, so glad to see you. You lost something?"
Thousand of questions popped in Alex's mind. "Why- what are you doing here?" Now she got a good look at the worst ex she ever had, from head to toe. His hair got much longer than before. Mustache grew out, but lack of trim. That pair of green eyes seems even paler, made it harder to read his mind. But one thing for sure: This piece of shit did not just run into her in the airport by chance, this early, with no luggage.
"Are you following me?" Alarm went off in her body.
"Woah, calm down, ice queen. I just came to pick up my girlfriend. Don't flatter yourself. By the way, I'm glad to see you again."
"Sorry, I am not." The blond took a glance at her watch. "I've gotta go. And please do not let me see your face ever again, seriously." With that, she walked.
"Why in such a hurry? You're jealous, aren't you?"
Alex really wanted to middle finger him, but resisted, kept walking.
"No? No interest in my girlfriend? Fine, I lied. No new girl. You're my one and only. Hey! Hey? How about your girlfriend's boyfriend?"
Cursed under her breath, Alex Cabot turned around. "Just, go fuck yourself, asshole." And just as she was about to leave, she turned around in his shouting.
"Hey, ladies and gentlemen, who wants to see the NYPD detectives fuck each other? High definition, no mosaic-"
"What's the fucking problem with you?!"
The journalist kept smiling, raised both hands in the air. "Easy… You haven't even tried the appetizers." With that, he reached the inside pocket, "no worries. Just my phone. See? And… don't, blink."
Like a punch in the chest, Alex Cabot stunned there with her mind went completely blank.
He turned off the phone screen, put it down, whispering in her ear. "Guess that guy is better than you in the bed, huh? After all, women prefer dicks I suppose. She's just too shy to-" Before he finished, his hand had been slapped hard, and the phone flew out, crashing on the ground.
"How the fuck- … You fucking put cameras in my house?!"
Ryan didn't flinch, looking directly at her glare. "I thought you'd be more concern about why your bitch became someone else's bitch as soon as you're-."
"How dare you?! THIS, is, illegal surveillance and trespass, let alone you've been stalking me, harassing me. I'm gonna throw your dumb ass into jail!"
"Go ahead, counselor, make me famous. I make one call, tomorrow the press will be all over your one leg bitch. How's the title: 'The love triangle between former two NYPD detectives and an ADA might be the real reason of causing a series of kidnap crises.' "
For some seconds, Alex Cabot couldn't speak or move, but feeling her entire body trembling with fury. "Ryan," eventually, she lowered her voice in gritting teeth. "Okay… I'm listening. What do you want? How much?"
He chuckled, picked up his broken phone, thumb brushing across the smashed screen. "Let me think… um, five million?" Within a second, he burst into laugh. "Look at your face… I was kidding. Sorry. Relax. I'm not gonna do that do you, ok? Funny…"
Alex felt her fingernails dug into her palms, resisting the urge of slapping that sick smile off his face. "Just spit it out. What do you want?"
"I just want you to come back. I miss you, babe."
A wave of nausea punched Alex's stomach when his hand touching hers. She attempted to shake it off, while he only gripped tighter.
"She's cheating on you. Why couldn't you have me as a fuck buddy?"
-Doctor Hilda Collins's office-
"You looked happy when you talking about it. How was that? May I ask?"
The brunette smiled briefly. "It was good, amazing, until I had a flashback, and… ruined everything." She turned to the window, as if seeking warmth from the sunlight. "But that was not what I can't take. I mean, the PTSD, panic attack, disability… I've learned to believe, that with efforts and time, I will be better, or at least be able to live with these." She nodded unconsciously, lost in thought. "But my greatest fear is, what if… I don't really love her as much as I think I do? What if it is just because I feel responsible and guilty about things happened to her when we were…" She dropped eyes, swallowed hard.
"What happened to her?"
A long while, the brunette kept chewing the inside of her lower-lip, fighting the flooding emotion and memory.
"We were taken hostage, by my… rapist and his brother. They came for revenge the castration I gave to that bastard. God… I'm such a idiot. Working on cases like this all my life, and I chose to enrage that animal. I never should've bitten him... If it wasn't for protecting me, she wouldn't have… " {-"Olivia, don't look. Close your eyes. Turn away!"-} {-"…blondie. Kneel. Mouth open.."-} Tears started to blur her vision. {-"Jesus… ah, ahm… look how the prosecutor's mouth taking full length of my dick… No more? You sure? You wanna watch me shoot her right on the other leg?-} "They played us, those fucking animals made us to choose, either me or her…. and, and…" The sound of Alex chocking, retching, gagging, whimper… rushed in her ears like flood. {-"Stop! Stop… let go of her! Please…T, please…"-}
"Olivia," Flinched at the hand gently pulling her wrist, the brunette surprised to see the psychiatrist had sat on the couch beside her. "Olivia, you're suffocating yourself. You need to put your hands down."
That was when she found her own hands were pressing deadly tight on both her mouth and nose. Gasping for air, Olivia let the psychiatrist lie her palms down on each side of her body, supporting her weight on the couch.
"So, did they rape her?" Collins asked cautiously, after her patient composed herself.
Head shaking slightly, "the younger one," Olivia gripped on the edge of the couch, fingernails digging in, heard her own emotionless whisper. "He forced her to perform oral sex on him, and made me watch."
(TBC)
Please tell me whatever you think about this chapter and story.
And be aware, something bad is coming...