Souls
By Mizuki
Time
"So that's why…! So before… and I pressured you so much, no wonder you were in denial…"
Kenshin stared at her in bewilderment.
"Kaoru-dono? You know what I mean?"
She shot him a calculating look. "Well, possibly. Before today, did you really believe you were reincarnated?"
"No, that I did not."
She nodded. "I thought so. And now… now you feel more like yourself, right?"
He plastered on his best, most ambiguous smile. "More or less."
She frowned. "And what about your life here? Do you remember it? Do you feel like it's yours?"
He hesitated before deciding to answer truthfully. "I… I am not entirely sure. I do remember it rather vividly… but…"
"It doesn't really feel real anymore?"
How was she able to describe what he was feeling so precisely?
"Yes…"
"It'll pass," she said with conviction. "You'll see. You'll feel more like Sean in a few days."
He eyed her in speculation. "Did it happen to Kaoru-dono as well?"
"Yes," she answered without a pause. "It was quite a long time ago for me though. I may not look it, but I'm quite old, you know…"
She laughed at his expression. "Anyway. I know it seems to you that you need to solve every little thing right this second, but I think you should go home and calm down, get some sleep… It's the weekend, so you'll have plenty of time to think… and to figure things out before the classes on Monday."
He considered her words and the way they were at odds with the look in her eyes. What she was saying seemed logical and reasonable, but somehow the thought of waiting for his self-identity to slip back into the background made him want to scream. He felt so raw and his sense of self was already so shaky and intangible that it seemed any moment now he might turn into somebody else and forget all the important things that he had to do. He might forget his guilt… and that was simply out of the question.
"Kaoru-dono," he said firmly. "I see your point, but I feel that it must not wait."
"What must not wait, Kenshin?" she asked, looking at him shrewdly. "Are you going to apologize to me again? I already told you there's no need. I forgive you. I've forgiven you all, even though there's really nothing to forgive."
He shook his head. She had always been so idealistic that she refused to see the truth even when it was right in front of her. She idolized him and believed him to be incapable of any wrong, looking for the fault elsewhere, when in fact it lay solely with him.
He needed to say it, but couldn't bear to look at her as the words left his lips,
"It is this unworthy one's fault that Kaoru-dono was… killed."
A heavy silence hung between them. Kenshin's stomach clenched tightly, eyes and nose burning with sudden tears. He held them back, keeping his face hidden behind his bangs, trying in vain to create some sort of an emotional barrier around his heart which would shield him from the pain.
But it was impossible.
He'd learned to endure it during the years after her death, the same way he had done with Tomoe. Sometimes he could even ignore it, because even if time did not heal the wounds, it dulled the pain, making it bearable.
But at this very moment, time was irrelevant. Past and present blended together – memories and emotions swirling just under the surface – and it felt like she had died just a minute ago, a second, even though she was right there in the room with him, alive and new.
He didn't even notice when she moved to sit right in front of him and when she raised her hands to his cheeks.
"Kenshin," she said softly, forcing him to look at her. Shame flooded his face and neck with a furious blush. She was looking at him so earnestly, with so much compassion, even while seeing him so exposed and weak and reduced to tears. He tried to hold them back, but two droplets trailed slowly down his cheeks and he watched in helpless mortification as she wiped them away with her thumbs.
"Kenshin," she repeated. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. You have to believe me… I never blamed you and I never will." She paused and gave him such a beautiful, sad little smile that it left him breathless. "And you have to remember – no matter what you are feeling now – it was still in another lifetime. More than a hundred years has passed since then and I'm sure that you've already paid more than enough for every sin you think you committed. You are a new person now, a young man with no dark past to hold you back. You have your whole life ahead of you, please don't waste it away on remembering what should be forgotten."
As he stared into her sincere, beautiful grey eyes, Kenshin felt his resolve crumble.
Burying his face in her shoulder, he let the flood of tears disappear into the fabric of her shirt.
A/N: Hi guys :D Hope you liked it. :D
Next one on Wednesday!:D
Thanks to my beta-reader – J Luc Pitard :)
And to my reviewers: SRAS9, caithzadz, J Luc Pitard, Memorie, Chibi Tanuki 91, brit02 and Emi Violet :)