Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The song "Our Lives" by The Calling and I don't own nor claim it at all.
Let Me Be Your Downfall
Chapter Thirty-five: Our Lives
These are the days worth living
These are the years we're giving
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best time of our life
"You're holding her wrong."
"No, Sirius, I'm not," Jaclyn replied in annoyance, pacing up and down the Lupins' sitting room with her screaming cousin leaning against her chest.
"Why is she crying, then?" Sirius asked from his seat on the sofa, his head turning to follow Jaclyn as she paced.
"If I knew that I'd do it so she'd stop crying," Jaclyn explained slowly, as though Sirius himself was a young child. "Wouldn't you think?"
"I suppose," Sirius nodded, then screwed up his face as Hannah let out a particularly loud wail.
"I can't handle this anymore," Jaclyn complained, then reached for her wand.
"What are you - "
"Silentus," Jaclyn said, pointing her wand at Hannah, who instantly fell silent, although her mouth was still wide open and eyes screwed shut.
Sirius looked at Jaclyn, quite dumbfounded. "I can't believe you did that."
"Do you have a better idea?" Jaclyn asked, giving him a sheepish look. "Besides, it won't last that long."
"Maybe she's hungry."
"Sirius, I just gave her a bottle."
"Diaper?"
"Just checked."
Sirius furrowed his brow. The charm began to wear off slowly, Hannah's screams almost like a whisper. Jaclyn sighed deeply and pushed her hair out of her face.
"Any other ideas?"
Sirius and Jaclyn met eyes and he gave her a resigned look, extending his arms toward Jaclyn. "Fine, give her to me."
"You're my hero," Jaclyn grinned, hurrying to Sirius as Hannah's cries went to full volume.
Sirius laid the small baby in his arms and almost instantly her cries changed to sputters. Before long, she became completely silent, her large eyes looking up at Sirius.
"You've got to be joking," Jaclyn sat down next to them, a dumbfounded look on her face.
"Hannah likes me more than you," Sirius taunted in a singsong voice. "Your cousin likes me more than you."
"Shut your face," Jaclyn rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but be a bit amazed that Hannah was silent. She forced her gaze off them and looked across the room at a clock hanging above the mantel. "Hey - it's 11:11."
"So?" Sirius asked, following her gaze.
"You need to make a wish," Jaclyn looked back at Sirius.
Sirius gave Jaclyn a confused look before saying, "What are you talking about?"
"It's a Muggle thing my mum told me about," Jaclyn waved her hand distractedly. "Quick, just make a wish before it's over."
Jaclyn screwed her eyes shut and they both fell silent. After a moment or two, Jaclyn opened her eyes once more and saw that Sirius was looking down at Hannah.
"Did you make a wish?"
"Yes," Sirius nodded, meeting her eyes.
"What'd you wish for?" Jaclyn asked, not afraid to be nosy.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at her. "It won't come true if I tell you. Isn't that how all of those Muggle things work?"
"Fine," Jaclyn shrugged, leaning back in the worn couch and pulling her feet underneath her so she was kneeling. "My wish was loads better than yours anyway."
Sirius smirked, knowing what she was pulling, but playing along nonetheless. "I'm willing to bet that it wasn't."
"Yeah, all right."
"Fine," Sirius snapped playfully. "Mine was about me, you, and being happy."
Jaclyn couldn't help but smile. "Is that so?"
"It is," Sirius nodded, falling silent again and staring ahead
Jaclyn waited for him to continue, but when it was obvious that she was going to have to work for this, she sighed as though it was a great chore. "Care to expand, darling?"
"You're ruthless," Sirius jerked back to look at her. "I wished that we'd be together forever, happy and content and all that cliché junk."
Jaclyn smiled, but then opened her eyes wide in alarm. "Great, Sirius, now you've gone and told me so it isn't going to come true."
"I think there's somewhere in the clause that states if the girlfriend whom the wish is about badgers the wisher, it's all right," Sirius nodded seriously, then gave her a grin.
"Oh, all right," Jaclyn grinned back, then leaned over to kiss him.
Sirius met her halfway, then remembered he had a baby in his lap. He looked down and saw that Hannah was fast asleep. He exchanged a smile with Jaclyn and carefully got to his feet.
"I'll lay her down."
Jaclyn watched as Sirius walked across the room and up the rickety staircase, careful not to jostle Hannah too much. She smiled at his care and then sighed deeply, glad to have him.
Remus and Jamie were due to return from their honeymoon around midnight, so Sirius and Jaclyn had volunteered to watch Hannah at their house to make it easier on them and Jamie's parents. It had been a fairly easy task as Hannah was a quiet baby, but she had become more restless as the night progressed. Sirius had joked that maybe Hannah had some Seer in her and that she knew her parents were coming home.
Jaclyn looked around the unfurnished sitting room. Except for an armchair, the sofa, a table, and the cabinet of potions, the room was quite bare. Jaclyn knew that Jamie was itching to decorate the house, but they couldn't afford it. She wished she could do something for Jamie, but with her job, she was hardly scraping enough to pay her half of the rent and help with groceries.
Suddenly, Sirius came barrelling down the staircase and, at the same time, the front door to the house was pushed open, revealing Remus and Jamie.
"You're back early," Jaclyn pointed out, seeing that it was just pushed 11:30.
"I'm never riding on the Knight Bus again," Jamie said simply, looking a bit green. "I don't know how anyone can do that."
"It's not that bad," Remus rolled his eyes at her, but put a comforting hand behind her back nonetheless. He took the bag that she was carrying and set it next to his own.
"Is so," Jamie replied, then looked at Sirius and Jaclyn. "Where's my baby?"
"I just put her down," Sirius spoke up, jerking a thumb toward the upstairs.
"It seems your daughter likes Sirius more than me," Jaclyn got to her feet, walking over to where the others were standing.
Remus laughed. "Who would have guessed?"
"She wasn't any trouble, was she?" Jamie asked, looking worried. "My mum said she was an angel for her, which she normally is, but I was really worried the change in scenery would - "
"She was fine," Jaclyn rolled her eyes at her cousin's concerned babbling.
"Gracie is always an angel," Remus stated.
"Love, if you keep calling her that, she's going to think it's her name," Jamie sighed.
"It's her middle name," Remus said simply, as though that was enough of an explanation.
"My middle name is Rae, but no one calls me that," Jamie replied playfully, running a hand across his back. "Should I start calling you John?"
"Anyways," Sirius interrupted, smirking at the couple. "It's getting late."
"We should be going," Jaclyn added.
"Thanks again," Jamie nodded, moving out of the way of the door so they could leave.
"Not a problem," Jaclyn smiled at them both.
They quickly bid farewell and Jamie and Remus were left alone in their house. There was an eerie silence between them and finally Remus broke it with a sigh and a stretch.
"Quite a change from James's cottage, hm?"
Jamie gave him a wane smile. They were unable to afford much of a honeymoon, so James had offered to let them spend a week at a cottage on the coast of France that he'd inherited from his parents. Jamie had spent a fair amount of time there while she and James were kids, so it had been a bit strange returning there as a married woman.
"It's home," Jamie shrugged, stepping toward him and putting a hand on either side of his hips. "I like it."
"Me, too," Remus nodded, leaning forward and kissing the top of her head. "I'm going to go take a shower. Wait up for me?"
"I'll see what I can do," Jamie smirked, following Remus up the stairs.
By the time Jamie had checked on Hannah to make sure she was all right, Remus was already in the shower. She quickly changed into a pair of pyjama pants and a tank top, then pulled her hair into a ponytail. Deciding to make use of her time, she wrenched one of their bags open to sort through their clothes for laundry and put their things away.
Jamie pulled out some robes and threw them onto a pile on the floor to be washed. She reached back into the bag and instead of finding more clothes, she pulled out a blue spiral bound notebook - Remus's journal.
Jamie looked down at the tattered book, biting her lip. At the same time, Cassie found her way into the room and sat down next to Jamie, expecting to be pet. Rather, Jamie looked at the cat.
"Should I read it?"
Cassie only watched Jamie expectantly, causing Jamie to bite her lip and furrow her brow.
"It is his own private journal," Jamie continued talking to herself. "He deserves some privacy, right?"
Cassie meowed once.
"Then again, we're husband and wife now, aren't we?" Jamie asked Cassie, who began licking her paw. "No secrets and all of that?"
Jamie began to open the cover, then slapped it back shut. "Then again, we're also supposed to trust each other - meaning I know that he'd tell me everything he'd write in here and I wouldn't go snooping through his things."
With a resigned sigh, Jamie began to put the notebook back into the bag, but then froze. She brought it back to her lap and looked back at Cassie.
"But he has read to me from it before," she mused, settling down on the floor with her legs crossed. "Besides, people don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them from other people, right? You know, like a secret they don't want to tell, but want everyone to know."
Jamie looked down at Cassie again, as though awaiting approval. Realizing how ridiculous she was being, she sighed and said, "One entry."
Jamie flipped the book open randomly toward the back. 'He really has terrible handwriting,' she thought to herself, then began reading.
"Stop it, Remus! Stop thinking so much, stop rationalizing and figuring it all out. How are you ever supposed to live if everything is planned, rationalized, and only done well thought out? Let your heart take the wheel occasionally. Let it choose what you want, because if you never give it that chance you may never find what you're looking for."
Jamie raised an eyebrow, then saw that it was dated only a few days before he'd asked her to marry him. She flipped to a more recent entry and jumped when Cassie meowed again from at her knee.
"Don't look at me like that, Cassie," Jamie scolded, then looked back down at the journal.
"Well, it's happened - we're married. Remus Lupin and Jamie Williams are now Mr. and Mrs. Remus and Jamie Lupin . I honestly didn't think this day would come some days, but I'm more than happy it did. We leave tomorrow for France and at the moment Jamie is showering. I love her so much. I can't believe how lucky I am. Now if only we both would be able to get our dreams…"
Jamie snapped the notebook shut, knowing she'd read too much. She swallowed hard and looked down at Cassie, who was rubbing her head against Jamie's knee. She began to scratch the cat's ears absentmindedly, thinking about the entry.
Yes, they had decided together that the best course of action was for Remus to give the money from Hogwarts back and for him to put his travelling on hold - at least for now. Jamie didn't want to see him give up his dream and he had said, at the time, at least, that he'd understood, but knew it had to be done. Remus had even brought up Jamie reapplying to be an Auror, but Jamie had said no, despite how badly she wanted to.
Was he having second thoughts? Jamie had no idea and wished that he'd come to her about these things, rather than writing about them. They were supposed to be married for Merlin's sake.
Deciding to see what else he had written, Jamie began to open the notebook again, but as she did, the water turned off from the bathroom across the hall. Shocked, Jamie threw the book back into the notebook, lifted Cassie off the ground, and flopped onto their bed, trying her best to look nonchalant.
Jamie was gently stroking the cat and lying back on the bed when Remus entered the room, clad only in his towel, which was resting low on his hips.
"Now, that's more like it," Jamie smirked, pushing Cassie off her stomach as she sat up.
Remus smirked at her and closed the door gently behind him. The lights dimmed in the room until there was only a flickering candle on the bedside table.
"It's nice how that works," Jamie pointed out, edging toward the side of the bed as Remus walked toward her.
"Convenient," Remus smiled, sitting next to Jamie. He reached up and pulled the ponytail holder out of her hair so it fell around her shoulders. He gave her a satisfied look and echoed, "Now, that's more like it."
Remus began to lean forward, but Jamie put a hand on his chest. He raised an eyebrow. "What's up?"
"You're not upset that you can't finish your book, are you?" Jamie asked point blank.
"What?" Remus asked, sitting up. "Where did that come from?"
"I was just curious," Jamie explained, looking guilty. "I don't want you to be unhappy."
"Jamie, we talked about this," Remus said sternly. "We agreed that this was for the best."
"And I still don't want you to be unhappy!" Jamie reiterated.
"Look, Jamie," Remus said kindly, reaching forward and cupping her chin so she had to meet his eyes. "While I do want to finish my book, it's more important for me to support my family. I can't write a book if we don't have a house."
"You promise?" Jamie asked. "I want you to be happy."
"And I am happy," Remus sighed, getting to his feet, adjusting his towel around his waist as he walked to the bag Jamie had been digging in moments before.
After a moment, Remus leaned forward and pulled his journal out of the bag. He returned to where he had been sitting and opened to the entry that Jamie had been reading. Remus cleared his throat dramatically before reading aloud.
"Now if only we both would be able to get our dreams. However, I do know that we need to take it one day at a time. Jamie and I are strong and we only need each other to be happy - Gracie is a perk as well. I've never been happier and I don't know what I would do without my girls. Someday I'll finish my book, but for now, it isn't as important as my family.
"Besides, life is never forever and things come only once. You have no idea how long you'll be able to keep things and you don't even know how long you'll get to live. However, so long as you know you've got something or someone that you love and cherish as much as I do Jamie, life is worth living. You see, one day, when you least expect it, that important thing in your life could be lost. You need to take care of the people you love because one day it just might be too late to take care of anything - or even see their smile."
Remus shut the book and dropped it onto the ground. He gave Jamie a bit of an annoyed look before saying, "Read the entire entry next time."
"How did you - "
"You're my wife," Remus replied, although his tone was much softer than it had been. "I'm required to know such things."
Jamie gave Remus a sheepish look. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right," Remus sighed, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Just ask me next time, all right?"
"All right," Jamie nodded in agreement.
"Now, are we going to shag or should I change into pyjamas?" Remus asked, a grin on his face.
"Well, I am awful tired," Jamie replied, a twinkle in her eye.
"We've been married a week and you're going to withhold sex?" Remus played along, looking shocked. "Why, I never."
Jamie laughed, then pulled Remus toward her, kissing him hard on the lips. He pushed her back onto the bed and pulled the comforter up around them. Remus pulled her tank top up over her head and tossed it across the room - his towel quickly following.
"I love you," Remus mumbled, his mouth nuzzled against her neck and travelling down her collarbone.
"Oh, I love you, too," Jamie sighed, unable to keep a smile off her lips.
Author's Note: Could this have taken any longer? I apologize for that. Things have been a bit crazy and random at home, so I haven't been a terrible lot of writing in general. Everything is going back to normal, though, so hopefully things will be more regular. Things are going to be speeding up awful quick here in LMBYD. But, you should know that this is the halfway mark. Yes, that's right – seventy chapters, kids. Craziness, I know. Aren't you excited to see what's to come? (-: