The Hellsing Files:
Hellsing v. Ikari.
"So let me get this straight," Integra Hellsing said to those gathered in the hotel room. "My mansion, my organization, has been taken over by a megalomaniacal Japanese pedophile and his army of Japanese albino school girls?"
Leon S. Kennedy and Solid Snake both nodded gravely. Walker, Texas Ranger and Vash the Stampede stood behind them near the window trying not to look at her. They had all hoped to have the mess they had made cleared up before Integra's return, but the albino school girls in question had proved to be formidable foes.
"Where are Alucard, Seras, and Walter? You two don't have the authority to have allowed something like to happen," she said.
Snake and Leon looked at one another, wondering who would be the spokesman. Finally, Leon spoke. "They were captured and thrown in the dungeon. We're not sure how exactly. Naruto was captured as well."
"And you're also going to tell me that with all of your combined abilities, you haven't been able to fight your way in?" Integra grumpily took a cigar from a package in her pocket and lit it, blowing smoke sideways from her mouth onto the "No Smoking" sign bolted to the wall.
"They're tough," Snake said. "We nearly all died and would have too, had it not been for Walker."
Leon spoke again before Integra could go into another round of chastisement. "We've actually got one more trick up our sleeves," he said. "Hermione Granger, one of Agent Potter's school friends is brewing us a potion to change our appearances into one of the school girls. We've already got the DNA samples we need, we just have to wait on the potion."
Integra's anger seemed to cool, but she still looked annoyed. "And if that tactic fails?"
No one spoke, not having any idea what they would do if this option failed. "Figures," Integra said. "I'll let you carry out this plan, but God help you if you muck it up."
They waited for a supply truck to leave the Hellsing compound. Harry Potter threw a spell on it once it was out of sight, freezing it in place. A fierce gun battle ensued, with the Hellsing soldiers coming out the victors. After Hermione had used her magic to fix the bullets holes in the truck and clean out the blood and bites of brain from the cab, those who were to attack the compound drank the polyjuice potion and transformed into perfect copies of Rei Ayanami.
They drove back quickly, with the idea that would say they'd forgotten something. They only had one hour before the potion wore off. They were stopped when they approached the gate, and the guards, while a little suspicious, bought their story.
Once inside the gate, they all exited the vehicle and marched into the compound. Entering the main hall, they stopped. Looking down on them from the stairway above was Gendo Ikari. His yellow tinted sunglasses mysteriously glinting in the poorly lit room. "Well, if it isn't Hellsing," Gendo said.
"How'd you know it was us?" Leon shouted in Rei's voice.
"We heard the gunfire. And no supply truck has ever come back claiming that it forgot something. The idea is for it to leave and then return with things. There's nothing for it to forget. Morons."
The imposter Reis looked at one another, nodding. It had been a dumb ruse. "It doesn't matter," Snake said. "We're in, lets take him out."
"Not so fast," Gendo said. "You see, this was all foretold in the Dead Sea scrolls. When I…"
"No it wasn't," Vash, or at least the Rei clone look-alike everyone thought was Vash, said. "There's nothing about this in any scrolls anywhere and you know it. Now why don't you just come clean and tell us why you're doing this."
Gendo pushed his glasses up and frowned. "Alright, fine. My old job was commanding a bunch of good-for-nothing teenagers who piloted giant robots and fought with angels. Every mission they'd whine and complain and do nothing but bitch about the job they had been called upon to do. Either that or they went crazy trying to prove themselves to no one in particular. Rei, the only good one, kept getting mangled and killed…I got sick of it."
More Reis had rushed into the room. Knowing this was likely to happen, the Hellsings scrambled and did their best to mingle. Unable to tell who was who, the inevitable battle was further postponed.
"So why did you take over the Hellsing organization?" one of the Reis shouted before promptly moving so as not be found out and shot.
"I thought you might ask that," Gendo said, pulling out an envelope. "Inside this packet, is what the director of Hellsing makes in a year." He threw it to the ground, where one of the Reis grabbed it.
Gendo gave the signal for them not to shoot while the false Reis found out how much their boss made. Vash passed out, Leon froze stiff as a board, and Snake simply shook his head. The other Hellsings began to stagger away in various states of shock.
"Those are euros you morons," Integra said. "There are other currencies in the world besides dollars, double dollars, and…knuts or whatever the hell you wizards use. Kennedy, you should know this. You were in Spain for how long?"
Leon shrugged. "I thought they all just dressed poor for fun."
"It doesn't matter," Integra said. "A dues ex machina in the form of immigration services has deported Mr. Ikari along with all of his clones. Alucard, Seras, and Walter were found sipping tea in the basement, apparently enjoying their own little vacation."
"So this wasn't completely our fault then?" Leon said.
"No. I blame this entire stupid idea on someone else entirely," Integra said.
"Idea?"
"Never mind. The three canon characters will be punished accordingly and things will get back to normal. Dismissed."
Wondering what she meant by canon characters, those gathered in Integra's office left it quietly. "So what happens now?" Vash asked. "What direction will this all go in? Is it the end?"
"I don't know," Leon said. "I just don't know."
The end of The Hellsing Files?
Maybe…