Author's Note: In Chapter 37, Spock tends to Uhura who has suffered physical trauma as the result of the Vulcan's pon farr experience. The East African questions Spock's ability to admit his love for her.
As always, your comments are appreciated.
A dull throbbing pain . . .
Uhura awakened to a dull throbbing pain between her legs . . .
And then, she remembered . . .
The pon farr . . .
Her arrival at a cabin in the Sierra Mountains . . .
And . . .
Spock . . .
Possessed by the Blood Fever . . .
Ravished her body . . .
Until she was no longer conscious . . .
The pain . . .
Was so real . . .
But it was not her main concern . . .
Spock . . .
Did her visit do him any good?
Was he all right?
She struggled to become fully awake . . .
She wanted to see him . . .
Had to see him . . .
And upon coaxing her eyes to open . . .
She soon realized he was already near her . . .
Lying nude on his back next to her . . .
The East African raised her head to get a better view of his face . . .
But as she did . . .
The cool air came in contact with her skin . . .
Calling attention to the fact she, too, was naked covered only by a thin blanket . . .
Self-conscious of her state of undress, she pulled the cover more securely about herself . . .
And then, turned her attention back to the Vulcan . . .
He appeared . . .
Exhausted . . .
Dark circles around his eyes . . .
His skin looking dull and pale in the ambient light finding its way into the room between the shades of the blinds . . .
Yet, even in this state he seemed . . .
So beautiful . . .
"Spock."
Uhura tried to call to him, but her parched throat would not easily allow her to make a sound. She tried her best to summon any remnant of moisture in her mouth and attempted to call to him, again.
"Spock."
While the sound emanating from her lips was not appreciably louder, the Vulcan began to awaken. To help revive him, she let her fingers play in the soft wisps of black hair that covered his chest. As she did so, Uhura noticed small scabs had formed over several recent looking topical scars on his upper torso. Finally, one of his hands began to stir and came up to cover her mischievous one, as if to quiet the pesky annoyance. Then, his eyes abruptly opened as he called her name.
"Nyota." His voice sounded husky from a lack of water, but not as dry as hers. "You have come out of your state of unconsciousness."
Uhura began to respond, but before she could speak Spock unexpectedly left her. She did not feel abandoned for long as he returned quickly with a glass and pitcher of water. He gently lifted her up and arranged pillows behind her, so she could sit up against them. He then brought the glass of tepid water to her lips.
"No . . . Don't think I can." She told him weakly.
"You must, Nyota." He said firmly.
"Nauseous."
"Drink." He demanded, while lightly pressing the glass against her lips.
Uhura finally relented, knowing she was probably severely dehydrated. Willing herself to part her lips, she then took one sip. He held the glass for her and persistently called on her to take another taste . . . and another . . . and another . . . and another . . . until she held up her hand to signal her inability to take any more. The East African could tell by Spock's face he did not seem totally convinced of her satiety. He held up the glass noting the remaining contents.
"You drank approximately 125 grams of water. You will need much more to replace what you have lost."
"How long . . . How long have I been like this?"
"I estimate nearly 79 hours have passed."
"Three days? Oh, Spock . . . my communicator . . . it's in my bag."
"What need have you for that instrument?" He asked, his displeasure clearly evident in his tone.
"I must contact Dr. McCoy . . . He'll be worried about me."
"He and Captain Pike have already tried to enter. They were persuaded not to do so."
"But why? Hasn't the pon farr been satisfied?"
"When they came, I was still within the grips of the Blood Fever. On a primal level, their presence was interpreted as an attempt to take away my mate."
"Spock . . . you did not hurt them did you?"
"The Captain has experience with me under the influence of the pon farr. He wisely restrained Dr. McCoy and convinced him to return at a later time."
"But now that I have regained consciousness, surely I can speak with Dr. McCoy to reassure him."
"No." He stated firmly.
Uhura looked into his eyes and could tell something was still not right with Spock. She did not fear him, but was uncertain of his current condition.
"Spock, you're still feeling the effects of the Blood Fever, aren't you?"
Silence.
"Listen, Mister." She summoned up all of her strength to command his compliance. "You can't close up on me, now. Answer my question."
"Yes . . . yes . . . the effects are still evident."
"How long does it last?"
"Four to five days.
"Four to five days?" Uhura repeated in a hushed tone. She knew in her current physical condition she could hardly survive another round of his rough sexual acts.
He remarked, "You need not be concerned about me attempting intercourse during the remaining period. That particular impulse, indeed, has been sufficiently appeased. However, my capacity to reason has been subjugated by an ancient instinct to protect. Intellectually, I know what I do is contradictory to civilized norms. Yet, at present I find myself unable to alter my behavior."
The East African studied Spock. She did not sense he was lying to her, but she did not like the idea of essentially being held hostage to a Vulcan biological imperative.
Once again, Spock offered the glass of water, but Uhura shook her head. He told her, "You must drink, Nyota."
"I don't feel like it." She said, fuming.
"Your body requires it."
"I said I don't feel like it."
"Nyota, your health depends on it. You must be reasonable.."
"Isn't that ironic coming from you?" She shot back.
Unmoved by her comment, the Vulcan continued to hold the glass before her. Uhura finally relented after realizing her options were indeed limited if she continued to feel incapacitated. However, this time she took the glass from his hand and quickly drank the remainder of the contents.
With a circumspect eye, Spock watched as she struggled to keep the water down as a result of drinking it too fast for the intake of her dehydrated body. However, after a few minutes, she felt the queasiness in her stomach begin to dissipate.
When she saw Spock pour another glass, she told him, "Oh, no . . . You must be crazy if you think I'm going to drink that, right . . . burp . . . now . . . excuse me."
"You should try to take another glass."
"Oh no, it's your turn."
"My turn?"
"Your turn to drink the water. I'm sure you're also in need of it."
"I brought the water for you, Nyota."
"Is it being rationed, Spock?"
"The cabin is equipped with adequate access to a water supply."
"Then, drink up!"
The Vulcan reasoned it best to placate her by acquiescing to her demand. Afterwards, he poured the remaining water from the pitcher into the glass.
"No, Spock." She pleaded. "I really couldn't take even another sip right now."
"I am just readying it for your future intake." He remarked as he set the full glass and pitcher back on the nightstand. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"
"No, I'm fine." She said, although the cramping between her legs had not lessened since awakening.
"You appear as if you are in discomfort."
"Didn't you hear what I said?"
"Your facial expression tells a different story."
"For the last time, Spock. I feel just fine!" Uhura commented against the involuntary grimace that suddenly came across her face. She then pulled her blanket up so it came up to her neck.
Spock looked at her curiously. "Why do you shield yourself from me?"
"Shield myself? What are you talking about?"
"You have positioned the coverlet to prohibit my gaze upon your body."
When Uhura finally deciphered his meaning, the humor she derived from his comment momentarily took her mind off of her pain. "No, Spock, that's not it."
"Then, why do you conceal yourself in this fashion?"
"I am naked."
"So, am I. However, as you can see, I place no barrier between us."
"Look, Spock. As a faculty member with his own living quarters, I am sure you can take advantage of the luxury of walking about in your birthday suit in the privacy of your own home. However, that's not a practice afforded to cadets cohabiting in the dorms."
"Between lovers, there is no need for obstructions."
"Lovers? Is that what you think we are?"
"Did you not willingly give yourself to me?"
"Yes, but Spock, I do not confuse that with us being lovers."
"Are you not in love with me?"
"I would not be here if that were not true."
"Then, I do not understand how you can say we are not lovers."
"Funny." She remarked with a sobering tone.
"Nyota, I was not attempting to make a joke."
"I was commenting on the fact you claim we're lovers and, yet, you won't speak the words."
"What words?"
"I'm not surprised you had to ask you, since it hardly seems to be a phrase which comes easily off your tongue. Three words, I love you."
"I fail to understand the significance of your statement." The Vulcan retorted.
"That's part of the problem."
"Explain."
"Your inability to say it . . . to tell me that you love me is the issue."
"I have said it."
"Twice." She charged. "I have only heard you say it twice, Spock."
"Nyota, my affections do not change with the seasons. If you were not human, you would not be so insecure."
"Well, I guess, being a human I cannot help myself." She replied angrily, before demanding, "Spock . . . I need my bag."
The Vulcan hesitated, remembering it contained her communicator.
Aware of his reluctance, she informed Spock, "Dr. McCoy gave me some pain relievers before I came here. I better take one now."
The Vulcan retrieved her bag and placed it by her side. He watched as she opened it and removed a small medical kit. She withdrew a disposable hypodermic injector and gave herself a shot in the arm as was demonstrated in her emergency medical course module. As she gratefully began to feel the impact of the medicine within her body, she also became aware of Spock's steadfast attentions concerning her well-being.
"Are you beginning to feel more comfortable?" He asked, as he examined the other contents of the kit.
"Yes."
"I would have administered the pain reliever, myself, if I had known you had it in your possession. Dr. McCoy chose well the items in this kit to cover a wide variety of medical issues."
Spock withdrew a vial from the bag, causing Uhura to catch her breath with the discovery. The Vulcan removed the top, sniffed the contents, and dipped the tip of his pinky in it. After examining its properties, he concluded, "Chloral hydrate."
"Yes." Uhura replied after a brief hesitation.
"It is quite an effective sleep inducing narcotic, especially when taken by someone of Vulcan ancestry."
Uhura remarked, "Dr. McCoy's kit contains several redundant products. I am sure I will not be in need of all of these sedatives."
"You and I both know this item was not meant for you. Colorless and tasteless when mixed in a liquid, I doubt if I could have detected its presence. It could have provided you with a means of escape. Dr. McCoy is quite a resourceful physician, I will not underestimate him, again."
"It should not be like this, Spock. Remaining here should be my choice, not because some genetic condition won't allow you to think straight."
The Vulcan looked to her and asked, "What can I say to persuade you to make it your choice?"
"Spock, if I have to tell you, it's . . . " Uhura turned her head away from him, unable to finish the sentence.
Silence.
Spock sat the vial down on the nightstand and retrieved the water glass. Bringing it up to her lips, he waited for Uhura to open her mouth. This time she did so with little hesitancy and took in a couple of sips.
When she held up her hand to signal she had enough, Spock urged, "You have, yet, to fully rehydrate yourself. You must continue to drink from the water."
"I will, Spock. Just give me a few minutes."
The Vulcan brought down the glass, silently awaiting her readiness to consume more of the liquid.
"I believe you missed your calling." Uhura quipped. "You would have made a great nurse."
"I must disagree with your assessment." He remarked. "I came to know someone well of that vocation. As a consequence, I do not take lightly the qualities required to excel at that profession."
Uhura recalled McCoy informed her of Spock acquiring the service of Nurse/Therapist Christine Chapel. She wondered if Chapel was the one to which he was referring, but she chose not to press the matter at this time. She did not want to get sidetracked into thinking about the Vulcan and his experiences with other women. After all, she reasoned, he did come for me.
Spock noticed how Uhura abruptly sat back against her pillow. "Nyota, are you still feeling discomfort?"
"No." She replied after a few moments. "It's just . . . strange."
"Please explain what you are finding to be abnormal."
"Wait a moment." Deep in thought, she closed her eyes trying to bring her memories to the forefront. "A dream . . . I recall a dream . . . I was floating on water . . . no land in sight . . . time didn't matter . . . and then . . . I heard your voice . . . calling for me . . . and I wondered . . . " She opened her eyes and sought the Vulcan's. "I wondered, what took you so long?"
"I never left your side, Nyota. I was here for you."
"No." She gently refuted him. "You were not with me, Spock . . . not until . . ." She paused, trying to remember. "I ended up at . . . the House of Diarmuid?" She laughed lightly. "What a crazy dream!"
"It was no dream, Nyota."
"Look, Spock, what do you know about it? I mean it's not like you can get into my head."
"You were slipping further away from me with every minute. The mind meld was the only way."
"Mind meld." She said, startled. "You? I heard rumors about the practice, but I've never thought it was really possible."
"The practice was suppressed for many centuries, but it has gained greater acceptance among my people in modern times."
"You were reading my mind?"
"It is unethical to examine another's thoughts without their permission. I was not even sure if I could link with a human or if such an incursion would cause damage to an undisciplined mind. However, I felt it necessary to make the attempt in an effort to revive you."
"Wait . . . you're trying to tell me, you came into my mind and actually created the illusion of the House of Diarmuid?"
"I thought you might be more receptive to join me there, since our experiences at that establishment have usually been most pleasurable."
Uhura smiled, unable to hide her delight with his revelation. He shared this moment with her, enjoying the sight of her.
"Oh, my!" She suddenly exclaimed as her smile turned into a self-conscious laugh. "I remember that dream . . . or, whatever it was . . . showed me seemingly quite secure about my sexuality. I doubt if I could consciously recreate that behavior."
"It is within you, Nyota. The fullness of your sexuality will ripen over time, I assure you. That is, with the proper instruction."
"From you, I presume."
"Is there any question?"
Uhura gave Spock an incredulous look before telling him, "I think I could use some more water now."
The Vulcan lifted the glass towards her, but this time she took it from his hand. He thought she might repeat her ill-chosen performance of downing the remainder of the water. However, instead, she took a couple of swallows and continued to hold the glass within her two hands.
"It all seems one-sided, Spock."
"Explain."
"I'm not your student anymore. I haven't been so for some time."
"I am well aware of that fact, Nyota."
"Really? I'm not so sure."
"You sound displeased."
"Well, you got that right." Uhura said coolly as she took another sip of water.
"What is the reasoning behind such a reaction?"
"Spock, I can't keep explaining myself."
"Why not?"
Uhura shook her head in disbelief. "How is it we supposedly experienced a mind meld, but we seem to have no better understanding of each other than before?"
Silence.
"You came for me." Uhura said, suddenly realizing. "But, you weren't ready to let me in."
"We joined consciousness."
"You only showed me the part of yourself you wanted me to see. You wouldn't let me in." She added with sorrow. "Spock, you still won't let me in."
Spock knew she spoke the truth . . .
When he initiated the mind meld, he was careful to not to allow the full onslaught of his thoughts to become intertwined with hers. He told himself he had done this to protect her from the potential damage this might cause to her mind. However, he now realized he had done so because he was afraid.
Afraid she would find something within him she could not bear . . .
Afraid to lose her . . .
His Nyota . . .
But now . . .
That same fate would happen if he did not give her a sign . . .
Give them both a sign . . .
That it would not always be like this . . .
Spock told her, "When we were joined, I used the Vulcan expression, Shan'hal'lak. You asked me for a definition at a most inopportune moment."
"I wanted to know what it meant. I am a linguist, you know."
"I needed time to explain it properly."
"There's a story behind it's meaning?"
"In the context for which it was being used, it would be best to provide an illustration."
"Well, we're definitely in no short supply of time." Uhura settled back, again, against her pillows. "I'm ready to listen."
Uhura watched Spock take a few moments, as if reflecting on what to say. Then, he finally began.
"There was once a child born of two worlds. From the time he was cognizant of his existence, he was aware of his mother's love. She found ways to display this emotion, even though such a demonstration was an anathema to the traditions of his father's people."
"Spock . . . this is your story? You need not talk about it in the third person."
"It is the only way I can tell it. Shall I go on?"
"Yes, please do." She answered.
"Despite his mother's affections, the boy craved the attentions of his father and sought to do that which would garner his approval. To prove himself, the boy denied his mother's heritage and shunned her most tender expressions. Although she tried not to show it, he could see the hurt this caused his mother."
"It must have hurt the boy, too." Uhura commented.
"He became an ardent student of the traditions, culture and philosophy of his father's people. He trained in their martial arts and deepened his practice of rituals of the mind. And while he struggled at times to keep his emotions at bay, he left no doubt of his allegiance. He came before the board of the Vulcan Science Academy, prepared to accept an appointment to further his education and research in his chosen field. However, to do so, he would have had to deny her."
"Deny Amanda? Because she's human? The bigots! Surely, his father must have been extremely proud of him at that moment."
"His father never expressed his opinion one way or another."
"He must have indicated something. What about the day he left to join Starfleet? Were there no words of pride or encouragement from his father to send him off?"
"Two weeks before he was to leave for Earth to begin his studies, his father was called away to a diplomatic mission. Like many of his formative years on his home planet, he began this next chapter of his life, alone."
"I am sorry to hear that."
"You need not pity him, Nyota. There is no shame in being alone with yourself and one's thoughts. It gives time to allow oneself to seek clarity in one's vision and purpose. Being alone has its benefits, but loneliness is a different matter altogether."
"Did he experience loneliness, Spock?"
"Loneliness was no stranger to him either on Vulcan or Earth."
"What happened to him?"
"As expected, he excelled with his academic and scientific pursuits at Starfleet Academy. However, as on Vulcan, there were occasions when he felt unable to fully control his emotions. And, he sensed there was a . . . void . . . an emptiness in his life he believed threatened his ability to be fully Vulcan and give himself over to logic. This led him to the serious contemplation of undergoing the kolinahr."
"The kolinahr? What's that?"
"A ritualistic process using lasting six years in which its end would bring about the purging of all emotion."
A shocked Uhura bit her tongue. Although the thought of such a rite repulsed her human nature, she knew she had to carefully choose her next statement so not to offend him. "It sounds like an extreme procedure."
"This journey into pure logic represents the highest attainment of mental capacity possible for a Vulcan."
"But you are also human. It seems as though this ritual would take away an important component of our being. You told me this person did not enter the Vulcan Science Academy when he felt there had been an affront to his mother's heritage. Can it not be argued the kolinahr may also be interpreted as such?"
"He spoke with his mother about it. She affirmed his right to choose and told him she would support whatever decision he would make."
"She is undoubtedly a better person than I." Uhura said in an unvarnished tone. "I would have had a much different answer if that question would have been posed to me."
"Your opinion is immaterial. He decided to postpone undergoing the ritual."
"What convinced him to do so?"
"He was befriended by a faculty member, who later became his commanding officer."
"Captain Pike."
"So moved was he by the Captain's extension of his hand of friendship, the Vulcan decided to undertake an exploration of what it means to be human. And along the way, there were others of the human race who crossed his path and deepened his understanding of this part of him he had tried so long to negate its existence."
"Besides his friendship with Pike, what else did he gain from these encounters?" She prodded him.
"There were so many lessons he has learned over the years as a Cadet and, subsequently, a Starfleet Officer and Academy faculty member. Diarmuid demonstrated the resiliency of the human spirit. Leila gave him a taste of happiness. Jack and his father introduced him to unconditional love. Christine . . . " His mood suddenly changed to one of regret. "His encounter with Christine informed him of the fragile nature of the human heart."
Christine Chapel. Uhura told herself. So, her nurse/therapist was also another woman of his past. How many more are . . . No, Nyota!" She chided herself, before finishing her thought. You've got to let it go. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about all of the women . . .
"Nyota." Spock called to her.
"Huh?" She answered, caught off-guard.
"Your thoughts seemed to be elsewhere."
"I am listening, Spock." Uhura she tried to convince herself.
"I wish to tell you about one other human of significance."
Probably, another woman, Uhura assumed. She drained the remainder of her glass to mask her unease about the revelation of, yet, another of Spock's affairs.
Spock continued. "It was the year 2254 on the first day of classes at Starfleet Academy."
2254? That was the year began my appointment as a cadet. Is he talking about me?
"Two years, 7 months, and 22 days, 13 hours, and 17 minutes ago - he was walking across the quad on his way to conduct his Ethics 101 course. While traveling, he noticed a motley gathering of cadets in the courtyard. As he passed by, a pair of eyes peered up from amongst the group and appeared to look his way. Those eyes belonged to a petite young woman with braided hair and a copper tone to her skin."
The smile that came across Uhura's face let him know she was aware he was speaking of her. Still, he asked, "Why are you smiling?"
"Water certainly can work miracles." She replied playfully, handing him the empty glass. "I'm feeling much better already."
"You are crediting your improved disposition solely to the intake of water?" He inquired.
"Go on with your story, Spock. I'm anxious to hear more about this woman."
Author's Note: In Chapter 38,Spock tells Uhura about the first day he met her. The East African asks the Vulcan to make love to her.
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