Chapter 37

I haven't worked on this for a while, been working on my main story that I'm writing with someone but I didn't forget about this story which clearly isn't finished yet. Sadly, it looks like there's more trouble on the horizon for the young family.

Anyway, hope you still like it. Enjoy!

Daryl

Everything was going to be OK. He kept telling himself. He had a secure job, a girlfriend, a house, a kid and his big brother nearby. What else could he want?

But another sick fuck just like his Dad had managed to fuck up the little bit of happiness he'd managed to snatch. His girlfriend's stepfather had assaulted her and Daryl hadn't been there to protect her. Then he'd stupidly let him abduct him and hadn't even taken him out of the picture properly. Barry could be anywhere if he wasn't dead and the thought made him shiver. Especially when he told him he'd be back for their baby, especially if it was a girl. Still, they'd heard nothing on the news or from Mira's mother who you'd expect would be contact if the bastard had gone missing – not that they were on speaking terms.

He was useless, couldn't even protect his family like a real man. On top of that, the nightmares that were really memories were back in full force but he didn't have his brother to help make them go away now. Mira was distant, knocked herself out with the sedatives and sleeping pills the doctor had given her and she rarely woke up. All of it made him as grouchy as hell and didn't help him have a bright outlook on the future.

He was sometimes tempted to take some of hers but he never did because he knew that they weren't strong enough. Anyway, Merle could always get him some of those big blue pills – the ones he'd given him all that time ago – it was only about two years but to Daryl, it felt like 10.

He was a real pussy. How many times had he woken up thinking he could feel his father's hands all over him again? Worse – still lingering at the back of his mind, his father's words silent were haunting him once more when he thought he'd done with that shit, telling him that he was nothing, was never going to amount to anything or be anyone. That he was only good enough to be used.

Fuck knows why he'd started to do those things to him – it was like beating and burning and scarring him hadn't been enough for him anymore.

Daryl sighed and turned over to wrap his arms around Mira and tried to breathe in her scent which always used to calm him down before. But even in her deep, drugged sleep she gave a little moan of protest and shook him off so he with a sigh of frustration, he turned over cursing himself. Was it always going to be this way? It was like she was punishing him for what Barry did. Worse than her rejection of him – for three weeks now since Barry happened she still wouldn't touch their daughter – their daughter – why didn't she have a name yet? He'd seen breasts leaking but he'd been the one feeding her from the bottle. (and occasionally Merle). The baby fretted and was restless as if she knew that her mother didn't want her and he hadn't had the heart to tell his brother. He thought he could bring her out of it.

He was nothing like his old man, had made something of himself. Become a father at 18 – well, so had his Dad, he'd married his mother when she was barely legal and they'd had Merle.

'Fuck you.' He snarled under his breath. He didn't want to think about that sick bastard or remember his touch. He shivered when he remembered that.

With a sigh, he released Mira and went over to check on his daughter. She was also breathing softly.

At least someone's getting some sleep, he mumbled to himself before he went downstairs. He still had that bag of blue pills – only a few left now that Merle used to give him when he was in a bad way, waking up and crying from the bad dreams of their Dad. He'd used them sparingly and they'd lasted this long.

Not that he blamed his brother for drugging him. He'd been messed up back then he hadn't been able to sleep the whole night through without waking up shouting and crying, thinking that his father was on him again and hating himself for his weakness. No, he would have done the same if things had been reversed. Besides, they we on the run then. Wouldn't – couldn't – go to an ordinary doctor. What else was Merle supposed to have done?

Daryl didn't dwell on the fact that he was starting to have night terrors about his Dad again just after his daughter had been born.

….

The next day, Mira woke up and breathed a sigh of relief to find herself alone. He hadn't tried to touch her.

Then she heard him moving in the bathroom and the toilet flushed. She couldn't help fearing that one day when she woke up, he wouldn't be there. She did try to change and make an effort to connect with them but she always felt so damn tired all the infant immediately started to fret but she sighed and put her pillow over her ears to drown out the cries. She let it go on for a while.

That's when he burst in, shaving cream all over his jaw. 'What the hell's wrong with you?' He reached down in the crib to pick her up and she immediately stopped crying like she always did with him, another thing that just made her want to grit her teeth about them. 'She was cryin!' You just going to ignore her?'

'Go away. I'm tired. Leave me alone.'

'You're always fuckin' tired! What about her, hey? You gave birth to her? What about me?'

But him yelling only made the baby cry again so he jigged her up and down and hushed her.

'Yeah, that's what it boils down to.'

'You ain't barely touched her since she was born! He ignored her outburst. She could tell that he was trying to keep his voice down but he couldn't keep the anger out of it.

'Leave me alone.'

'You think she doesn't know you don't love her? She needs her mother! I ain't enough!'

'You know what he did!'

'It ain't like he raped you! Why you actin' like this?' The vicious words were out of his mouth before he could take them back when he knew what being violated felt

like from firsthand experience. Most guys didn't. When he knew he had many times in the past and she was still cutting because of it. He'd come across her in the shower a few days ago and dragged her out and tossed the blade away but she'd still screamed at him that she hated him. He knew she was still doing it when he wasn't there but he no longer acknowledged it. As far as he knew she was still cutting since Barry found her and attacked her.

'You're a fuckin' asshole, you know that!'

He said nothing but put their child back down carefully on her crib and there was a charged silence while he went and finished shaving and washed off the foam from his face.

'Fine. I better take her and leave you alone then.' He announced coldly without looking at her.''We don't want to cramp your style anymore.' He got his small travel bag and began stuffing it full of clothes and other stuff. Enough to last a few days.

Despite herself, she felt alarmed. 'Where ya goin'?'

He was secretly pleased to see that she still gave a damn.'We're going out. Away from you like you so badly want.'She sat up then staring at them together. Looking like a self-contained unit. They didn't need her, she was just a spare wheel, she thought bitterly.

Her mouth opened to tell them to stay and say the right things like she needed him, loved them both but no words came out.

He huffed and dithered as if considering but when she remained silent, he went to the baby cupboard to pack extra diapers, bottle feed and baby clothes.

'You going to your brother's?'

'What the fuck do you care?' He snapped and she knew he was only keeping his voice down for the sake of their baby.

His baby, she corrected herself.

She was on the verge of telling him to stay but instead rolled over on her side.

'Fine.' He said before he left. 'Don't know when we'll be back. Ain't like we got anythin' to come back to, anyway.'

She didn't answer even though what he said stung and his chest hitched. But she couldn't make herself react, she was so damn tired.

'Don't answer the door to anyone and keep it locked.' He couldn't help adding even though he knew it was unlikely that Barry had survived but he wasn't taking any chances. He had managed to move himself or his carcass had been moved somehow and when he and Merle went to look for it, they'd found nothing.

She badly wanted to call them back but she couldn't. Even half got up on her elbow until she heard the front door slam and the moment of opportunity passed.

Mira put the phone receiver off the hook before she lay back down again. The last thing she wanted was Carol calling or knocking on her door with persistant good-will.

…

Daryl hefted the heavy bag of baby supplies over his shoulderwhile holding his daughter in the other arm before he banged urgently on Merle's door. He knew that he wasn't his workday today. Daryl should have been working but Carol had given him some time off, even paid - no doubt sensing that they were having difficulties.

'Merle!' He yelled as he banged on the door.

'Hey up, baby brother.' He rubbed his eyes as he looked at him sleepily on his porch.

Merle woke up then as he took his little brother in and didn't ask why.

'Gotta tell ya this but ya look like shit, baby bro.'

'You ain't got no-one there, have ya? Can we stay?' Daryl asked abruptly.

Merle rolled his eyes. 'No, as a matter of fact. I know that's unusual for me...' He snapped sarcastically.

He didn't get to finish as Daryl brushed rudely past him.

'What's going on?' He asked him as he offered him a cold beer across from where he sat on the sofa. 'May I..?' He motioned with his hand.

Daryl passed his daughter over while he swigged back the cool liquid gratefully.

Merle cradled her against his chest and fancied that she was smiling up at him although he knew that it was probably just wind. 'Yeah, ya like that, don't ya? Ya like your Uncle Merle, huh?' He crooned at her. 'Hey, what do I call ya? Ya Mommy and Daddy ain't given ya a name yet so I might have to.'

'We're gettin' round to it.' Daryl wasn't taking any of his digs.

'But seriously, bro. What the fuck's wrong with you two? You shouldn't be here.' His eyes narrowed in concern not saying what was both on their minds. They hadn't heard anything about Barry but that didn't mean he wasn't still out there.

'Can't I take my kid to visit my own brother sometimes?'

Merle looked pointedly at the travel bag and baby supplies.

'Is Mira OK? That cocksucker ain't been back botherin' her, has he? Any more news?'

'Don't wanna talk about it.' Daryl snapped back but his voice cracked. 'And I don't ya talk like that in front of her!'

Merle chuckled. 'Keep ya panties on, Darlena. Ain't like she can understand anyway and I ain't

gonna try and make ya do anythin' ya don't want to do.' Merle replied mildly but his brother shivered. Knowing it was a reference to their late father.

'Give her back to me, she needs feedin'.' He ordered abruptly and thrust out his arms.

Merle frowned and whiffed her plump rump with a mild look of distaste before he chuckled. 'Better change her first, looks like she's just dropped a load. A big one, smells like.'

Daryl glared at him before he took her and went to the bathroom upstairs to change her. Merle had got himself quite a nice house but it was small. Barely two storey but complete with a tiny kitchenette.

When he came back, he put the diaper bag in the trash and went to warm up the bottle in the microwave. Daryl even continued to glare at his brother over his daughter's head while he held the bottle.

A couple of hours later when she was lying down upstairs having a nap, Merle offered his brother the bottle of whiskey but Daryl shook his head.

'Ain't like you to turn down good booze.' He teased.

'Yeah? Well try bein' a father. Can't get all off your face when ya want once you have a kid to take care of.'

Merle sniggered when secretly he was proud of him. But he knew things weren't right between him and Mira – hadn't been for a long time, in fact and he was determined to get to the bottom of things,

if only for his brother's sake. The thought that he might have contributed to their problems by kissing her never occurred to him as he relfected that if anyone deserved some happiness in life, it was his sweet baby brother who'd been to hell and back.

'Well, well, ya don't mind if I do?'

Daryl shook his head while Merle lit a cigarette.

'I take it you still smoke?'

He nodded gratefully and pulled one out of the packet afte he tossed it to him.

'You want another can?'

He even smiled as he nodded this time and Merle knew he was softening.

After the third one with no noise from upstairs, Merle tried again.

'Tell me what's going on, little brother. It ain't right you two haven't even given her a name yet.'.

'Won't let me touch her. Will hardly touch her, either.' Daryl suddenly blurted out after the booze had loosened his tongue. He'd even allowed himself a couple of small glasses after all not the usual half a bottle. Enough for his big brother to find out the reason behind his weepy red-rimmed eyes, paranoia brought on by exhaustion and pasty complexion.

It's because of what he did to her when he found her, ain't it?'

He nodded miserably and put down the can and suddenly launched himself at him with a snarl of fury, attacking him with his fists. 'All your fault – can't even let me have something for my own. You had to go and kiss her. Was it you? You do anythin' else to her while ya were at it? Hurt her? To make her not want...' He lashed out savagely. He just wanted to punish him, the betrayal was still fresh.

'What? No – of course not!' Merle was taken aback when he thought he'd seen it all.

'He was right...He said I'd never be happy..., don't deserve to be.' Daryl had stopped attacking him and laid his head on top of his chest instead a signal for his brother to wrap his arms around him. Merle could tell he was on the verge of tears. 'Everythin' I touch, I'll destroy! I'll end up hurting my kid!'

'Sh...Ain't true, ain't true. He was sick, must have been to do what he did, you know that...'Sides, the fact that you're worried about being like him shows you ain't.'

'Said I could never escape him even if he died...That I'd always be his and no woman could ever want me after...after...me and him... They'd know...' He moaned.

'Sick fuck! It ain't true, ya know that, don't ya? Jus' said that shit to mess with your head...'

'Why don't she love me anymore? And he barely looks at her! And... and she's cuttin' again and I don't know how to make her stop!'

Merle didn't tell him to man up, stop being pussy. Just wound his hand in his hair and held him. After all, he knew why Daryl had come to him. He was at a dead end, didn't know what to do. He may have already been a father himself but he still needed comfort from his big brother from time time.

'I can't do it! Sometimes I just want to run away myself and leave them both of them behind but I fuckin' can't! What kind of dad does that make me then?'

Merle made inarticulate sounds of understanding and carried on petting his hair. 'Ya know, most first time parents feel exactly like you do...scared shitless. And you're only 18, still a kid yourself. It's natural.'

'Yeah but everytime I look at her...I'm so afraid somethin's or someone's gonna get her. That I can't keep her safe...She's so small...'

'Jesus, brother! I never seen ya this scared before.' His voice had got a note of light teasing in it. Even with Dad, he added to himself mentally. It seemed like becoming a father was the scariest thing that had ever happened to his brother. Then again, having all that pressure, responsibility, a life in your hands...and his life hadn't been easy, no siree.

'I ain't fuckin' scared.' His brother declared defiantly. 'Merle, I fuckin' hate you sometimes!' He thumped his chest with his fists.

'Sh...'

'I ain't a pussy, ya know!'

'I know ya ain't. Hush now.'

'What I got to do? I know he scared her but...he's gone now.'

'She jus' needs time but maybe you can try...' He whispered the rest in his ear making his little brother's eyes widen.

Merle chuckled at his reaction. For the first time, in a long time, he felt little brother smile.

'Don't know why ya never asked me before about women.' He finished arrogantly. 'Can't believe ya never...didn't she ask ya too? See, 'cos all they want tis to feel special, pampered. You make them feel safe and they're putty in your hands. Jus' like you are now.' He joked.

'Fuck you.' But he was sounding brighter until he frowned. 'But what if he comes back? Can't know for sure what happened to him...'

'Ya think that stinking coward is gonna come back to finish off what he started? I don't think so.'

'First thing ya both need to decide on a name. You can't keep calling her 'she', ya know.' Merle did his best to distract him from worrying to no avail.

'I'll kill him if he does! I mean it this time!'

Merle could only stare at his normally gentle brother and know he was serious. He was capable of murder if pushed too far, he knew that.

He was a Dixon after all.

Just like he'd been when he found his father doing what he did to him. And he'd loved their father.

But he loved his baby brother more.