Chapter 37

The days succeeded, turning into weeks and almost unnoticed to everybody, three weeks had passed since the day Louise had decided to leave her past life behind forever. The road wasn't easy at all and Lou continuously struggled with all her might to get used to her new life and routine. In truth, her days weren't so different from when she had been living in the convent. She still worked as a volunteer in all the causes she was an active member of, and her work in the clinic hadn't changed a bit. If anything, it was harder because of the hours she had to make up for. The only things that were different were her place of residence and of course her romance with Kid.

Even with those very few changes, Lou still felt that her life had done an about-turn, and continuous moodiness dominated her, which she didn't really know where it came from. She was trying her hardest to get back on track but she couldn't feel comfortable in the new place she had been assigned in life. She knew she should be excited and exultant. After all, she was living a very sweet love story with a great guy who was crazy for her and who she loved. Yet, she couldn't bring herself to enjoy what life was giving her. Her whole soul revolted against it, but she hoped that time would prove its effectiveness and she would eventually accept all those changes in her heart. Kid was a dear and very understanding, and not once had he voiced his discontent about her grumpiness. She was fully aware that he had noticed it. One had to be deaf and blind not to see what was so plain for everybody, but still Kid was giving her the space she needed and he never complained.

Their living arrangements were actually working. She had to admit that she was quite comfortable at his place, and they hadn't had a single problem so far. Louise had initially feared that it would be awkward between them, but it wasn't so. She was aware that Kid really wanted to have the same physical relationship he had had with his previous girlfriends, but he hadn't insisted on the matter at all. Kid had come to accept her resolution and to be happy with what she was ready to give him. Of course they sometimes kissed, and she actually enjoyed those moments and so far Kid didn't push her for more.

Louise entered the cafeteria of the hospital for the first time in three weeks. Lately she had resorted to bring a sandwich to work and eat it quickly for lunch whenever she had a minute to spare. After her long absence she was trying her best to catch up with her job and training. The extra hours she had to work now, added to the mental pressure she was suffering, were wearing her down but as a matter of fact, she didn't care. She wanted to prove to Teaspoon that she was worthy of his trust and was ready to do anything for that reason. Maybe she was overdoing herself, and she needn't work herself to the bone, but actually the activity served her as a distraction to her jumbled mind and that was what she needed most right now.

Today she had left what she now called home in quite a hurry and hadn't had time to make herself a packed lunch. So when her stomach had started grumbling, Jimmy had practically thrown her out of his office, ordering her to have some food. She knew she was thinning and in her scrawny body a pound or two less were more than noticeable. Kid and Jimmy, who she was around the most, kept telling her about it, and she knew they were right, but she lately felt unable to have more than what she already fed her stomach. Yet, she told herself that she would have to try for her own good. She needed to start eating properly and get more sleep. Last month's stress was taking its toll physically, and she'd have to do something before she really fell ill.

Louise took the tray with the food to the register and after paying for it she scanned the room for a free table. She spotted the girls having lunch together like usual and even though she wasn't in the mood to talk, she directed her steps towards them. In these last weeks she had been avoiding everybody on purpose by coming to the clinic before anybody, leaving later and skipping coming to the cafeteria altogether. She felt tempted to sit by herself but that would be too rude and evident, so despite her desires, she approached them. On seeing her, Emily was the first one to speak up. "Look who's here. Dr. McCloud is granting us the rare honor of her majestic presence," the receptionist said sarcastically.

"Can I sit here?" Lou asked dryly, ignoring her friend's open criticism.

"Of course honey," Emma replied promptly, tapping the seat next to her.

Louise smiled and sat down. She started eating in silence while the other four women stared at her in eager anticipation. When they realized that Lou didn't intend to talk, they exchanged disappointed glances. Despite her discreet and shy nature, Jane was the one who couldn't control her curiosity any longer and asked, "Louise, aren't you going to tell us?"

The doctor lifted her eyes from the plate and noticed the avid countenances of her colleagues for the first time. "Tell you what?" she replied, feigning ignorance.

Emily rolled her eyes and before she could throw one of her caustic comments, Rachel stepped in, "We heard that we don't have to call you 'sister' anymore. Is that true?"

"You never called me sister anyway," Lou replied curtly and as she looked around her and noticed the expressions of her friends, she finally relented. A sigh escaped her lips and she then proceeded to tell them about her very carefully thought-out decision to leave the convent, and how difficult it had been and still was to change the only life she had always known. Not once did she mention Kid's name and she practically repeated the explanation she had given him the day she had walked away from the convent.

"That is all very well," Emily said when Lou had finished her account, "but what I want... what we want to know is about Kid."

"Kid?" Louise echoed in a neutral, unenthusiastic tone.

"Yeah, Kid," Emily continued. "You know that unattractive doctor with hideous eyes and an ugly body you sometimes have a word or two with."

Everybody laughed at their friend's comment, even Lou, and when they sobered, Emma insisted, "What's happening with Kid, honey?" Everybody in the clinic was simply guessing because neither Lou nor Kid were talking about the matter. They didn't even show signs that their relationship had changed. They hardly ever were seen together lately, but Rachel had told them that Teaspoon had hinted something about it, so they were all dying to know whether it was true.

"Happening?" Lou repeated again.

"For goodness' sake, Lou," Emily exclaimed, running out of patience, "stop acting as if you only had air inside your head! Come on, tell us. Is he or is he not your boyfriend now?"

Louise couldn't help but blush and lowering her eyes to the plate before her, she muttered, "I guess he is."

"Oh Louise I'm so happy for you two!" Emma exclaimed with a big smile.

"I think it's so romantic," Jane remarked in a dreamy voice.

Rachel noticed that Lou didn't seem to share the other women's enthusiasm and had a doleful expression, which make the midwife wonder. "Louise, is everything all right between you two?"

"Yeah... I think so," Lou replied hesitantly.

"You could've fooled us," Emily quipped pointedly.

Louise lifted her irritated eyes towards her friend and exclaimed loudly, "This isn't easy for me! Not at all! Everything's happening so quickly. I've gone from having a steady life to walking a tightrope in less than twenty-four hours. I don't even know where I'm going, and I feel like an alien everywhere!"

"It's natural, honey," Emma replied with a soft tone. "We understand it's a big change... very disturbing."

"You know you can count on us. Sometimes it helps to simply talk to friends," Rachel added.

"Thanks," Lou answered with a sincere smile.

There was a brief moment of silence and then still curious about the issue, Jane asked, "Did you already get yourself a place of your own, Louise?"

"Uh... no... not really," Lou mumbled, hoping that the matter wouldn't go further than that. Yet, knowing her friends, Rachel's next question didn't surprise her at all.

"So where are you staying? At your sister's?"

"No... she's a bit tight space-wise at the moment," Lou answered vaguely and seeing the girls' silent question in their expression, she knew they wouldn't give up until they got the truth out of her. "I... I... I'm living at Kid's," she finally muttered, blushing to the roots of her brownish hair.

On hearing her, Emily let out a loud guffaw as she clapped her hands at the same time as if she were a little girl. "Way to go, Lou! That's my girl. Why waste time in formalities and silly dates? You like the guy, and plunge headlong into the deep end the pool and fully-clothed. Good for you!"

Louise cringed at the comment, especially at the reference to the swimming pool. She had to shake her head to get rid of their disturbing images and sensations invading her mind and then breathing in deeply she said, "Don't go that way, Emily, because you're all wrong! Kid has been awfully kind to let me stay at his place because my economic situation is on the rocks, but we aren't living together in the sense of ... you know, 'living together'. I guess this is just a temporary arrangement, until I can move somewhere else."

"Oh come on, Lou," Emily continued stubbornly, "don't tell me you aren't enjoying the benefits of living under the same roof as the guy you have the hots for!"

"Believe it or not, that's your problem," Louise replied roughly as she rose to her feet. "And now I gotta go. It's been a pleasure to talk to you ladies."

The four women remained in silence, watching Lou turn away and leave the cafeteria. After she disappeared from their sight, it was Emily who spoke up again, "She's behaving like a fool."

"Em, you weren't very tactful or understanding with her."

"What's there to understand, Rachel?" the receptionist replied in a loud tone. "Why does she have to sound as if she were been submitted to a terrible punishment? A good and honest man is in love with her and instead of boasting about it, she behaves as if she were totally ashamed."

"Emily, things aren't that simple," Emma continued. "It's a big change for her... bigger than what we can imagine. If for some reason I got to lose Sam and had to start from scratch, it would be totally unnerving and torturous. I guess that Lou's case is twice as bad."

"I'm very fond of her... really. I'm sorry but I can't understand her," Emily insisted.

"Whether we understand her or not," Rachel continued after a short pause, "I hope she finally finds her way. Poor girl looks totally lost, and it really breaks my heart."

"Amen to that," Jane concluded and the four women chuckled at the double meaning behind the girl's remark. From that point on nobody mentioned the matter again and they continued eating their lunch and sharing some laughs until it was time to go back to their respective duties.

Louise slid her arm in the strap of her knapsack, letting its weight rest on her right shoulder, as she made her way out of the common room. "Lou!" she heard somebody call her name while she walked down the corridor. She stopped and smiled when she saw Kid running to her, still with his white coat on. "Are you going already?" he asked when he caught up with her.

"Yes. Didn't I tell you I was finishing earlier today?" Lou said. Since she had come back to work after her long absence, she had to do many extra hours, but at least once a week her shift was reduced and she could leave the hospital a few hours earlier.

"Yeah, you did. That's why I thought we could do something tonight," Kid replied with a big smile. "What do you say about having a romantic dinner with your man at that new restaurant in town and then going to the theatre? I have tickets for 'Tosca'."

Louise smiled at his thoughtfulness. A couple of days ago she had told him about the first time she had seen an opera and how much she had loved it. Her past obligations hadn't allowed her to indulge in that pleasure very often, and only from time to time she watched a performance on TV. It warmed her heart to think that Kid had taken the trouble to book tickets for the very opera she had mentioned, so her face scrunched in pain as she had to voice her refusal once again. "I'm sorry, Kid, but I can't."

His smile faded instantly. "But, Lou, you said that you were free tonight and weren't doing any volunteer work because the social hall had been closed temporarily for fumigation."

"Yeah, that's right, but... but I thought I could go to the convent and pay them a visit. I still need to take the bike back, and I haven't seen them since I left."

"Can't you go tomorrow or another day?"

"Kid, I called Marmee and she'd be waiting for me. I just can't call her back to cancel. She wouldn't like it."

"All right, then. Never mind," he replied with a bitter expression.

Seeing his disappointed face pulled at her heart. Every time he came to her with plans to go out, she always turned him down for one reason or another. Most days she was busy in her various activities as a volunteer, and now that she worked at the clinic some weekends, she always wound up very tired, with no energy to do anything at the end of the day.

Kid started to turn around to go the way he had first come from, but Lou stopped him. "Kid, wait!" He sent her a questioning look and Louise added, "Maybe if I make the visit brief, we can still have time to go out."

His face lit up at once and his lips split into a very wide smile. His whole being longed to kiss her, but aware that she didn't like those gestures in public, he simply leaned over and whispered in her ear. "You know all I want is to spend as much time as I can with you because I love you."

Louise smiled at his sincere declaration. His little gestures and loving words always made her beam brightly despite her low moments, and it was then that her heart surged with love and understood why she had left everything for this man. Lost in the moment, Louise took a chance. She looked around her and seeing that the corridor was totally deserted, she impulsively planted a light peck on his mouth. Yet, on feeling her soft mouth, Kid couldn't help but press his lips against hers more intensely, giving her a long, ardent kiss.

"Selfish bastard."

They pulled away quickly as the muttered insult reached their ears, and when they turned, they saw Samantha walking down the corridor with a proud pose. Lou couldn't help but blush at being caught in the moment unawares. "What's with her?" she asked, trying to hide her awkwardness from Kid. "I thought she was fine with that guy, Steve." In fact, Samantha had been very affable and kind to her, and this new turning surprised her.

"I don't know and I don't care."

Lou smiled again, pleased not by his words, but by the silent, profound declaration he found in his intense stare. After a beat, she finally said, "Well, I better get going if I don't want to be late for..."

"For our date."

"For our date," she repeated with a happy smile and turning on her heel she scurried away, really hoping that time flew away so that she could be back to Kid to enjoy a whole night with him alone and with no more cares.

"You didn't have to bring the bike back, Louise," Marmee said. "It's practically yours."

Lou shrugged her shoulders, but didn't try to reply. In fact, she didn't really know what to say or how to react. She was feeling very uneasy seeing Marmee's eyes boring into hers. Moments before she had had coffee with all the sisters that were there. They had enjoyed a good conversation. However, Lou still felt awkward around them and despite her intentions to keep calm and breezy, she couldn't help but find the situation very uncomfortable. Her sisters were cordial and treated her with warmth and affability, but knowing that she wasn't part of them anymore, that she was an outsider, really hurt Louise. The doctor told herself that this was what she had wanted and she simply couldn't have everything in life. She had her pick and that was the way she needed to live. The knowledge should make her happier, but as a matter of fact, nothing she told herself made her situation easier.

After coffee, the sisters went and Lou stayed with Marmee in the drawing room. She didn't know whether she felt more awkward in front of all her sisters or now that she was alone with Mother. Louise felt lost at words and didn't know what to say to her after what had happened. They had only talked a few times on the phone but now that they were face to face, Louise couldn't help but feel ashamed in her presence.

"And tell me, Louise," Marmee started, "are you all right? And please, don't repeat that polite 'fine' you tell everybody. I want the truth."

"But it's true, Marmee. I'm fine," Lou replied. "I'm still trying to adapt to my new situation. Everything feels so strange and new, but I think I'll survive."

"And what about your young man? Does he treat you fine?" the nun asked bluntly.

Louise exhaled tiredly. She knew that Kid's matter would come up sooner or later, but right now she wasn't ready to answer the nun's curiosity. Besides, she wanted to avoid being asked about her living arrangements at all costs. What Marmee didn't know wouldn't hurt her, and Lou knew that she wouldn't like it if she told her that she was living with a man. Despite the wholesome and proper relationship Kid and she had, Lou was aware that the Mother Superior wouldn't understand it and jump to the wrong conclusions.

"Please Marmee, don't ask me that," Lou begged. "This is too difficult for me."

"I just want to make sure you're fine," Marmee insisted, but noticing Lou's set expression, she finally relented, "All right, I'll drop it. I guess three weeks isn't enough time to know about it."

Louise neither confirmed nor denied her words and the two women stayed in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Lou thought that this was worse than she had initially expected, and it wasn't actually what Marmee was saying, but rather what she wasn't. She was feeling stuffy and felt the need to clear the air between them, so in a desperate attempt to change the direction of the conversation she asked, "And how are things around here, Mother?"

"Like usual, you know," the older nun replied. "Of course after you left, we've had to make a few adjustments."

"Yeah, I understand."

"Did I mention that Sister Katherine is going to take your place in our community in Somalia?"

"Kathy?" Lou repeated, her voice tinged with a mixture of dismay and astonishment. Thinking that somebody else was going to get what was supposed to be hers hurt her deeply. Yet, the pain wasn't as overwhelming as the sense of regret and concern invading her. Lou couldn't believe that Kathy had been chosen for that mission and now she understood why her young friend had previously looked at her with a weird and almost annoyed shine in her eyes. Kathy was a good nun and an excellent person, but she was the kind of woman to be perfectly happy in her own environment and outside the limits of her known world she'd feel lost. Lou imagined that the news must have felt as cold water to Kathy, so Louise couldn't blame her friend to feel that way.

"Well... she doesn't have your pluck," Marmee continued, "but she'll be fine. Of course since she's not a doctor, she'll be teaching at the local school instead. You know, she's an excellent teacher."

Lou nodded, pondering about what her decision had brought about. Kathy would be sent away to a place that with all probability she wouldn't want to go. Besides, her not going to Somalia meant that the medical center there would have to make do without her and her professional skills. Louise knew that this particular center was understaffed and didn't have enough resources for all the patients that went to be treated. Louise remembered the day she had talked to the director and the man had been totally excited at the prospect of having a new doctor among his staff. Of course none of that mattered anymore in her current situation. She had made her decision and lost all that. Naturally, she had considered all these points before she had decided to leave her vocation, but somehow now it seemed more real and painful.

Louise had a glimpse at her wrist watch and said, "I have to go, Mother." Kid's reservation at the restaurant was in over an hour, so if she left now, she'd have plenty of time to enjoy a relaxing bath before they went out. Besides, she needed to leave this place and find a distraction to make all these negative thoughts disappear. A night out with Kid would be the perfect medicine, and the sooner they started, the better.

"So soon?" Marmee exclaimed. "I thought you'd join me and the rest of the sisters in the rosary prayer now. You know, Louise, even though you have left our flock, you shouldn't neglect your duties to God."

"I'm not neglecting my duties!" Lou exclaimed with a certain irritation.

"So what do you have to do better than devote some minutes to Our Lady?" Mother Superior replied pointedly. Her tone sounded like a challenge and Lou's proud nature wouldn't let herself be questioned, so she finally relented and agreed her consent.

The rosary prayer seemed to last longer than ever and after the five glorious mysteries were over with its fifty Hail Marys and her corresponding Lord's Prayers and glory be's, the final litany felt endless as the leading nun went through the whole hierarchy of saints. Louise was feeling restless, knowing that Kid would be waiting for her and wondering where she was. Her restlessness didn't let her concentrate and to her chagrin she knew she was practically pretending to pray when her mind was miles away.

When the prayers finished, Louise quickly bid Marmee and the other nuns goodbye and almost ran out of the convent. She'd now hail a taxi and would get to Kid's in good time. As she reached the end of the street, she clumsily bumped against a man who was about to get into the street she was leaving. The force of the push was such that made the man fall on his backside and it was then that Lou recognized him. "Oh Vinnie! How clumsy of me!" she exclaimed, helping the man back to his feet.

Vinnie gave her a goofy smile and brushed his big hand over her face repeatedly. "Sister Louise, where have you been?"

"I live somewhere else now," she said, removing his hand from her face, but she didn't correct him in the use of her name. It would be too difficult to explain her new situation to somebody like Vinnie, who was practically a small child in his mind.

"That's too bad... too bad," Vinnie mumbled morosely. "Too bad... too bad."

Lou smiled sweetly and asked, "You going to see your sister?" The man nodded his head very slowly and Lou added, "Well, I won't delay you anymore. Come on, go."

Vinnie resumed his walking and before Lou continued her way, a female voice sounded next to her. "Hello, Louise."

Lou turned her eyes to the side and smiled at the woman who stood there. "Hi, Germaine. Nice to see you. How are you?"

"Fine... but my husband's not."

"What... what's wrong?" Lou asked, visibly concerned. Germaine was a devoted neighbor within the parish. Her husband had a chronic disease. He was also physically impaired, and being isolated on a fourth-floor apartment in a block with no elevator, his access to health care was very limited. Besides, the family's short economic means forced them to rely on charity in that department, and Louise had often gone to the man's address after being called with urgency.

"You know, winter doesn't sit well with him," Germaine replied with a contrite expression. "His sugar levels are sky high and he's been in bed for the last week. He can't keep anything in his stomach and I'm so scared for him."

"Has a doctor seen him?"

"You know what our situation is like, Louise. You're the only one who would come to see him."

Louise nodded. "Germaine, would you like me to have a look at him and see what is wrong?"

"Please. I'd be forever grateful to you."

Lou didn't hesitate a second and followed the woman. This was an emergency and required her prompt attention. She still had time and even though she might be a few minutes late to get home, Kid wouldn't mind. He would understand. Sure he would.

In his apartment Kid waited for Lou eagerly. He was feeling elated and completely excited. The night presented itself bright and hopeful, which was a change to his situation with Louise lately. Things with Lou weren't going as smoothly as he would want. It was natural. She had undergone a drastic change in her life and Kid was trying to be as understanding and patient as possible. Yet, he really wanted to feel that they were together and show the world his girl proudly. It was so strange that despite living together, they had so little contact. Kid hoped that this situation would eventually end for the better. They had only been together for a few weeks and he knew Lou still needed time to get over her past life.

Tonight they would finally enjoy a great night as a couple. Kid wanted everything to be perfect for her. He had even dropped by the mall and bought new clothes and shoes. She probably wouldn't care about that but still Kid wanted to look his best for his girl. After having a shower and sliding into his new shirt and pants, he had settled on his sofa and had even opened a bottle of wine to make the wait sweeter. He kept an eye on his clock on the wall. Five minutes. Ten. Fifteen. Half an hour. An hour. The hour turned into two. Three hours and four glasses of wine later, and Lou was nowhere nearer. At some point he had wondered if something might have happened to her, but then she had phoned, telling him briefly that she would be a bit late because something had come up. That had been a couple of hours ago and since then, nothing.

Kid rose to his feet and took the half-empty bottle of wine and his glass to the kitchen. Once there he shoved the opera tickets into the garbage, the same place all the others for different turned-down plans had ended up. Next time he'd ask her first before making plans or wasting his money foolishly. He was feeling very lonely and also irritated. How could he not? He just wanted to spend time with his girl, and it seemed an impossible task. Was that too much to ask from her? And if she didn't want to go out, she should have told him instead of arousing his hopes in vain.

As he sat back down on the sofa, his eyes darted to the clock again. Midnight. Where on heart was she at this time? As the thought entered his mind, he then heard the main door lock and despite his irritation he felt a sense of relief wash over him for finally having her home safe and sound.

Louise didn't get into the apartment straightaway. The light filtered under the door and she knew Kid was still up. The day couldn't have ended up worse. Her mind was totally flooded with all kinds of thoughts: Kathy, the people in Somalia, those in the neighborhood she wouldn't be able to help. She had sacrificed all that and until today she hadn't really understood how many people her decision had affected. Guilt coursed all over her and she felt she was living her worst agony... even worse than when she had been fighting her own feelings for Kid. Now there was no way back in her decision, and she wanted to declaim angrily why God had let her slip from His grasp like that.

Louise eventually decided to step into the apartment. Now on top of it all, she had to face Kid. She had stood him up and he would logically be very angry now. When she had gone to Germaine's apartment, she had realized that her husband was in a worse condition than she had first thought. Lou had examined him and clearly the man was in urgent need of treatment. Lou had made a few phone calls and arranged for Germaine's husband to be transported to a hospital. That had taken longer than she had expected and after staying with the upset woman for a while, she had left but by then it was too late.

As she walked into the living room, she saw him sitting on the sofa and by the pose of his body she knew that he was angry, and she had to admit he really had a right to feel like that. "Kid, I'm so sorry," she started in a mournful voice. "I had an emergency. I..."

Kid didn't let her finish and without turning his face to her, he said, "You sister called while you were out. She wants us to go for dinner at her place. I checked your schedule and I told her we would go next Saturday, but if you actually have other plans or an... emergency, you should call her."

Kid rose from the sofa and as he turned his eyes to Lou for the first time, he noticed her hurt expression. He cursed himself for being so heartless with his callous remark. It had been the anger talking through him, but he just felt unable to hurt her. So despite everything, he smiled sheepishly and coming closer to her, he gave her a little kiss on her cheek. "Don't go to bed too late. You need your rest," he whispered softly and then slipped out of the living room towards his bedroom. Lou stood there silently watching him walk away. When he disappeared inside his room, her lip quivered and bitter tears started to flood from her eyes, feeling at that moment like the most miserable woman in the whole world.