Dean watched Sam's abrupt exit. Apparently his worries about Sam's state of mind were justified. Something was upsetting his brother and Dean was going to get to the bottom of it. He pulled out his wallet and left some bills to cover the drinks and a generous tip. "Well, it was good to see you Penny, I'm glad things seem to be going well for you," Dean said, choosing to not address Sam's weird departure. Both young women had slid out of the booth. Penny was looking at the door with a confused expression, but she smiled at Dean when he spoke.
"Yeah, thanks for telling me about my birth mother, and for the pictures and everything," Penny said, seeming shy. "Say goodbye to Sam for me."
Megan extended her hand. "Yeah, sorry for being so suspicious. It actually was nice to meet you both," Megan said. Dean shook her hand, then nodded at Penny and began to leave, worried about Sam and eager to make sure his brother was okay.
"Uh Dean…," Penny called after him. He turned back and she stepped forward and unexpectedly hugged him. "Thanks for taking care of us back then," she muttered into his shoulder. Dean was touched, and gave her a quick squeeze in return before setting her away from himself.
"Take care of yourself kiddo," he said fondly, then went in search of his brother. He found Sam just a few steps outside the door, leaning against the wall in the alley beside the building. Sam had his arms folded across his chest. Someone else might think he was simply waiting, but Dean could tell by the frown line between Sam's eyes, and the speed of his breathing that Sam was trying to calm himself down.
"You Ok?," he asked Sam.
"Yeah, I just...needed some air," Sam said ducking his head and brushing past Dean towards where the car was parked. Dean knew there was more going on, but he kept silent and followed Sam's broad back down the block. Once they were both in the car, he glanced over at Sam who was studiously staring out the passenger window. "So, did you still want to get that pizza?," he asked. "Or would you rather head back to the Bunker?"
"Nah, we can eat," Sam said, but he continued to avoid Dean's eyes. Internally Dean stewed. Sam could be so sensitive sometimes, but if the kid needed some time to sort himself out, then Dean could be patient. He pulled the car out of the parking spot and into the flow of traffic. He'd take Sammy to Giordano's, they'd eat some pizza and then he'd get Sam to talk tonight, during the trip home. They had a 10 hour drive ahead of them and sometimes Sam would say things in the dark car, that he couldn't talk about face to face.
xxxxxxx
Dean was quietly humming along to the song on the radio, the car purring beneath them as she ate up the miles towards home. Sam had been subdued over their early dinner and had barely touched the pizza which he'd said he wanted. Sam was asleep, head resting against the passenger window, his breath fogging up the glass. Sam had drifted off, not long after they left Chicago. Dean wasn't really surprised. Sam hadn't been sleeping very well the past few weeks. These freaky god visions, or whatever the hell they were, had brought his brother a slew of nightmares. And then Sam's mini panic attack back at the coffee shop had knocked a lot out of him. Life had been kicking Sam's ass for a while now.
The guilt that he normally pushed into a deep dark corner, reared it's ugly head. It was barely three months ago that he'd almost killed Sam. His brother wasn't the only one who had nightmares. If he let himself, it was all too easy for Dean to remember Sam, teary eyed on his knees, willing to let Dean kill him if it would save his big brother. Dean dragged a hand down his chin. He could probably think of a hundred reasons why Sam wasn't doing so well, but what he couldn't figure out is what any of it had to do with Penny. He was certain that Sammy needed to talk, but until his brother was ready, Dean could do nothing but drive. Then he had an idea.
It was actually a beautiful August night, warm but not humid with a soft breeze. The last crimson rays of sunlight had slowly sunk into the horizon a few hours ago and the sky through the windshield was a panorama of stars. For a few minutes, Dean looked for an appropriate place to pull off, then finally found a farmers lane that led out into a dark, fallow field. He turned off the engine and as the last echos of the powerful rumble faded, the sound of crickets became the only thing breaking the silence. Dean reached into the backseat and pulled a couple of beer out of their faithful green cooler. He gave Sam's shoulder a shove and then opened his door and got out of the car.
xxxxxxx
The noise of the car door closing woke Sam up. It was dark and quiet and for a brief second Sam was afraid of where he was. Then the familiar, comforting feel of the Impala's leather seat reminded him that he was in the car. Automatically he rolled his head towards the driver's seat, but it was empty, inciting another microburst of panic. Wide awake now, Sam looked at his watch. It was almost midnight. A light knock on the window by his head startled him slightly, but it was only Dean. His brother waggled a beer at him.
"C'mon Sammy," was all he said before Dean made his way back to the front of the car. Sam opened his door and unfolded himself, pulling himself out of the car and into the night. Joining Dean by the Impala's grill, he stretched and looked around.
"What's going on Dean? Is everything OK?," he asked, not seeing any reason for alarm, but as always needing Dean's reassurance to fully believe his senses.
"Nope, just thought it was a nice night, and we haven't had a chance to check out the scenery lately," Dean said waving his beer skyward. His brother tapped Sam's arm with a cold bottle. Sam took it from him and looked up. The sky was a mass of stars, as if some cosmic hand had tossed diamonds onto a swath of black velvet. Sam tilted his head back and stared for a while and then turned to look at Dean. The older man simply held his gaze, took a sip of his beer and then hoisted himself up onto the hood of the car. Sam took a swallow from his own bottle then joined Dean, careful that the rivets of his jeans didn't scrape the black paint.
Dean sighed a deep contented sigh beside him and settled back against the windshield, his legs stretched out in front of him. Sam just sat, one long leg dangling off the edge of the hood. The night was peaceful and he was reminded with a wave of nostalgia of when he and Dean were younger. They had spent many nights in fields like this, watching the heavens, talking about everything or nothing, or sometimes, just sitting silently. It seemed like a million years ago, when their lives were simpler.
"So, wanna tell me what's going on?," Dean asked quietly. Sam could hear the concern in Dean's calm tone.
"Nothing," Sam responded automatically. He had grown so accustomed to keeping things to himself, not wanting to burden Dean with his issues. Besides, he was embarrassed by his reaction at the cafe.
"Uh,huh...wanna try that again Sam?," Dean nudged him with his elbow. Sam stared at Dean, whose face was just visible in the light from the moon and stars above, trying to find the words to explain how he felt. Dean looked worried and Sam couldn't do that to his brother, so he opened his mouth not sure what would spill out.
"I was an idiot," he said, drinking from the bottle in his hand. Sam stared out into the dark field.
"Yeah, which time?," Dean teased without any heat. Sam had to smile wryly a such a typical big brother come-back. He had walked into that one. But he continued, the weight of his own stupidity dragging the smile off his face.
"I was an idiot because I thought I could help Penny. I thought I could give her something she needed, something that I wish I could've had." Sam struggled to gather his thoughts. "But I should have just left it in the past, like you said." Another gulp of beer did little to help him swallow down the emotions that clambered, ready to overwhelm him again.
"Wanting to tell Penny about her mother was a nice idea Sam, I just don't understand why you're all twisted about it." Dean seemed honestly puzzled, like he wanted to understand. Suddenly, Sam couldn't hold it in anymore, he felt a tear leak from his eye and he hoped that Dean couldn't see it in the darkness.
"It's just... It didn't change anything for Penny, she was fine the way she was. It didn't make a difference. I didn't make a difference. Nothing I do seems to..." Sam stopped, determined to eliminate the wobble in his voice. He cleared his throat and turned his head away as Dean sat up to lean closer.
"Sammy -" Dean started to speak but Sam cut him off.
"No Dean, it true. I did everything and anything possible to get the Mark of Cain off of you, and what happened? It's because of me that Cas is sick, and Rowena is in the wind. It's because of me that….people died." Sam was thinking of Charlie and his brother's fervent assertion that it should have been Sam on the funeral pyre. "I released the freakin' Darkness Dean, and how many people died in Superior because of that huh? How many people's souls are being taken by Amara now as I sit here on my ass? I thought I was helping you, but I just made things worse. I'm pathetic." A sob threatened to choke him, proving his own point, so Sam had to stop. His brother gripped his arm and turned Sam, forcing him to look at Dean.
"Sammy, that's not all on you man. C'mon, I'm the one who took on the Mark in the first place, so you wanna blame someone - blame me." Dean shook him a little at that, his words rough with his own suppressed emotions. "You are not pathetic. Look, you saved me," Dean's tone softened. "You saved me, Sam, even after all the horrible things I did, even though I didn't deserve it." Dean looked away for a second, but not before Sam saw the regret in his eyes.
"Dean, that's different." Sam was afraid. Scared out of his mind and not sure that he wanted to confess to Dean the reason why. What if Dean was ashamed of him? Sam wasn't sure he could take seeing that look of disgust in Dean's eyes again.
"How Sam? How is that different?" Dean challenged him, still holding him so that he couldn't turn away.
"Because you're not a coward!," Sam practically shouted, startling Dean a little with his outburst. He sagged afterwards, so tired of trying to face his fears. "The difference is Dean, I know what I need to do, and I'm too afraid to do it. I don't think I can go back there. I don't think I can face him again." Sam wiped the back of his free hand across his eyes and swallowed the last of his beer around the lump in his throat. Dean's hand tightened where his brother gripped him.
"Sam, we talked about this. No way are you having anything to do with the Cage or Lucifer. I won't let you, Ok? It's crazy!" Dean was spitting out the words angrily, but seemed to catch himself. He slid his hand up Sam's arm to rest on his shoulder and Sam leaned slightly into his brothers touch. Saying his thoughts out loud to Dean made Sam feel a bit better, but he knew that he was still afraid and that because of it, people were dying.
"Tell me Dean, how do I just ignore what could be signs from God? If I don't do this, then people, good people like Penny are gonna die Dean. And how do I live with that?," Sam practically moaned, unable any longer to hide his tears. Dean tugged on Sam's arm to pull him over, and hating himself for needing to, Sam shuffled closer to his brother.
"Hey, it'll be OK, Sam. You'll be fine, Penny will be fine, we'll figure something out. I promise." Dean said softly. When he had been a kid, Sam had believed that Dean could find a solution to any problem, that if Dean promised to make something Ok, then it would be. But he was an adult now and this problem was his to solve. In his head Sam knew that Dean couldn't keep his promise but his heart eased a bit anyway, knowing that his big brother still wanted to try.
"Yeah, Ok," Sam said, nodding. Some of the tension he hadn't realized he was holding had slid away, and with a watery sigh, he pulled himself together, letting his body rest against the glass. Sam looked up at the stars, wondering about Heaven, and God's messages, and the two young women he'd met today. Sam doubted that he could find a way to stop the Darkness, one that didn't involve a visit to Lucifer.
Dean settled back again beside him, his shoulder pressed against Sam's and for a long time the brothers sat side by side, staring into the heavens. Sam grew calmer. Just knowing that Dean didn't judge him as a coward had renewed some of his hope. Maybe he couldn't find a way, but maybe together, their little family of two, they could.
AN: That's it folks - thanks for reading!