Chapter Thirty-Seven-O...M...G...
"The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolorate."~ Douglas Engelbart
"H...hello Ashley," Lila said, eyeing her sister nervously. The evening was going so well and she hoped her sister wouldn't do anything to ruin that.
"We're sorry we're late, but Zo and I had some work to catch up on and traffic was such a motherfucker!" Ashley said.
"That's quite alright," Rossi replied, eyeing their new companion with interest.
The contrast between the two sisters was staggering. While Lila looked poised to meet the queen, Ashley looked ready to pose on a street corner. She was wearing a back, shirred mesh ruffled corset. Although her breasts were concealed, the garment was completely sheer from the aereolas down. The top was snug and placed her size D breasts on proud display.
Her dark jeans were torn at the knees and other places were pants should not be torn. They were also so low rised Lila wondered how it could be legal for pants to be that low. She did, however, say a silent prayer of thanks when she noticed her sister was indeed wearing underwear. To complete this classy ensemble, Ashley was wearing silver bangles, platform stilettos that lit up when she walked, and an insanely, impossibly huge tote. It was silver and sparkly and proudly displayed evil bunny, who was Ashley's idol. On one side it said "naughty" and on the other in said "nope, still naughty, but you love me anyway."
"It's so nice to see my favorite sexy crime fighters," Lila said, pulling everyone into an insanely tight bearhug.
"I'm just the one night stand that won't go away," Ashley said to Morgan with a big grin on her face.
"Yes indeed you are," Morgan replied, trying to keep his gaze eye level as Ashley embraced him.
"Not to worry my one time love, I won't go all Fatal Attraction on your ass. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," Ashley assured him. Indeed, she had already slept with a few men since her trip to Sin City.
"That is comforting to know," Morgan replied, wondering why her rejection stung him so much.
"Spencer, Reid, my men," Ashley said, grinning lustfully at her brother-in-law.
She pushed her way through the rest of the procession and pulled Spencer close for a hug, letting her pelvis graze against his. Although Spencer returned the hug, he arched his groin far away from hers. The idea of his body so intimately touching hers was frightening on so many levels.
"It's nice to see you too, Ashley," he said politely, wiggling free from her lecherous grasp.
"So how is my favorite brother-in-law and his legendary separate entity?" she asked, giving her sister a wink.
"Completely and utterly devoted and under the absolutely ownership of your sister," he replied, positing his messenger bag in front of his pants.
"That is what I like to hear!" Ashley exclaimed, wrapping her arm around each of them and pulling them towards her for a tight, awkward group hug.
Once the Reids were able to wiggle free of her, they began to sit down so everyone else could be seated. Somehow, however, Ashley had wiggled her way between them and was now sitting in the middle. She set her bag on the floor, kicked off her shoes and propped her feet on the chair in front of her. Spencer and Lila exchanged glances, at a loss as to how to proceed. They didn't want to hurt Ashley's feelings, but at the same time they wanted to sit next to each other.
This was their one week anniversary and their first time attending a movie together, so they wanted this evening to be special. Morgan, the wonderful friend he was, sensed the newlyweds' dilemma and intervened on their behalf. He flashed her his sexiest, come hither smile and gestured towards her.
"Hey mama, why don't you come over here and sit next to me. I don't have a date tonight and I might get a little lonely around all these lovebirds," he replied.
"If I sit next to you, will you promise not to molest me when the lights are dimmed?" Ashley asked.
"Scouts' honor," Morgan replied, although he had never been a scout before in his life.
"Well, you're no fucking fun," Ashley replied, although she rose from her seat and moved over so the newlyweds could sit together.
Morgan took the seat beside Lila, knowing Ashley would want to be in close proximity to her sister, but that Lila needed space so she could cozy up to her husband. Lila flashed him a grateful smile and leaned towards him as he sat beside her.
"Thank you so much for this, Derek. I promise there is a Mercedes in your future," she whispered in his ear.
Morgan looked over at Ashley, who was conversing with Zoey, who took her place beside her. They were both talking and laughing loudly, so they didn't notice Lila and Morgan's sidebar.
"By Mercedes, you better mean an entire dealership," he whispered back.
"Absolutely," Lila whispered back before they sat back up.
Lila rested her head on Spencer's shoulder and everyone else sat down. After exchanging glances with Rossi, Prentiss accepted her fate and sat beside Zoey. Rossi, looking relieved and slightly smug, sat beside Prentiss. Emma sat beside Rossi and Hotch sat beside her. Morgan reached down and picked up Ashley's shoes, handing them to her.
"Why don't you put these back on, Mama? It would be a shame if you lost them. They are so...unique."
"My, my, aren't you bossy, Baby Daddy," Ashley replied, raising an eyebrow at Morgan.
"'Baby Daddy'?" Rossi asked, raising an eyebrow. "is there something we should know about?"
"Baby Daddy is a term used for a man who fathers a woman's child and he isn't her husband," Ashley clarified.
"Thank you for clarifying," Rossi replied, rolling his eyes as he took a sip of his bottled water. He didn't particularly care for popcorn or junk food in general, so he pulled out his snack of crackers, cheese, and strawberries.
"Anytime, Rossinator. And as for the second part of your question, I seriously doubt his sperm scored a touch down with my egg. We used a condom the first time we fucked and I took the morning after fucking pill after coming home. Hehe...coming: so yeah, the chances of an Archer-Morgan baby entering the world are pretty slim."
"And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief," Lila whispered the Spencer, who stiffled a chuckle.
"What do you mean you only used a condom the first time?" Prentiss asked, looking at Morgan as if he had grown a second head. "are you telling me you didn't use protection everytime...and how many times were there?"
"Well, we fucked the first time after Spence and Lila's reception. I was pretty fucking wasted as you may remember, so my man Morgan helped me up to my room and into a cold shower so some of the edge could be taken off. It was at that moment I just knew I had to fuck him, but being the gentlemen that he was, he wanted to wait until after the newlyweds left the reception and started fucking before we began our fucking. After Reid decided it had to unite with Archer and they made their grand exit, Morgan and other Archer decided to do a happy dance of their own.
We went to my hotel room and things got really hot-n-heavy. We fucked twice that night and it was pretty good: on a scale of one to ten I would give that night a six or a seven, possibly a seven and a half. Wait, no, no, a six or a seven is good enough. Morgan has the goods, but let's face it, not everyone can be blessed with a ten inch berdonkidonk like our man Reid here."
Everyone turned and stared at Spencer and Morgan, who were red faced and mortified for completely different reasons. Totally oblivious as always, Ashley happily prattled away. Prentiss simply stared at her loud mouthed companion, utterly fascinated as she nibbled red licorice and popcorn, purchased at the concession stand. She also took a sip of concession stand diet Cola, unable to look away. She likened Ashley to something of a trainwreck: no matter how much you wanted to, you just couldn't look away.
"Anyway, Emily, after we finished fucking the second time, we chatted for a little while before finally passing out. When we woke up the next morning, we decided to fuck again, only we didn't have any more condoms. I was completely out and he didn't want to go to his room to get his because he was afraid I would no longer be interested once he returned. Anyway, we fucked some more, in doggy style and reverse cowgirl to be exact, but he didn't ejaculate inside of me until he started pounding my ass."
"Isn't that...interesting," Prentiss said before taking another sip of her beverage.
"Yeah, it was a magical evening for all parties involved," Ashley replied, putting her shoes back on.
"Ash also met and fucked some guy on the plane as well," Zoey added.
"Oh yeah, that's right, I did," Ashley replied. "his name was Ryan...Robert?...I dunno, something. Anyway, we were sitting next to each other and he totally starting flirting with me right away. One thing led to another and we decided to consummate our lust in the airplane bathroom."
"Derek, I think you might want to get yourself tested," Kevin whispered to his mortified friend.
"Believe me, that was the first thing I did as soon as I got home," Morgan whispered back. "and thankfully the tests came back normal."
"Of course they would, man: I haven't had an std in years," Ashley relied. Although her shoes were now on, she rested them on the back of the seat in front of her.
"So you've had them in the past?" Will asked, in spite of himself.
"Don't encourage her!" JJ hissed, slapping him in the arm.
"Do you really think my sister is the type to sit back and wait for encouragement?" Lila whispered to her.
"Point taken," JJ replied.
"Yeah, I've had syphillis and chlamidia twice, but that was years ago: like high school and college. Now I get myself tested all the time and use condoms for the most part," Ashley replied.
Will simply stared at her with his mouth slightly gaping, not used to a woman being so...bold. Lila glared at Ashley, having had enough of her sister's antics. Unlike Ashley, Lila actually cared about the feelings of others and wanted the people Spencer cared about to like her.
"Ashley Nicole Archer, please do us all a favor and shut up! No one wants to hear about your sex life or whatever else you may feel the need to tell us. It's rude and inappropriate and embarassing!" she exclaimed.
"Thank you!" a random movie goer commented.
"I think you need to shut the fuck up," Ashley hissed at the movie goer before turning her attention back to Lila.
"I'm just kidding around, Lila-bear: don't be such a dick whipped hater," Ashley replied, unzipping her purse.
"Well, no one finds your antics funny, especially me," Derek said, looking her in the eye. "I know you think you are just being funny or quirky, but you're really just acting like an ass. Believe it or not, it is possible to have a good time without embarassing yourself or others around you."
"Hey man, what's with all the hate? It ain't my fault your bedroom performance was lackluster," Ashley retorted.
"You weren't exactly complaining about my performance that evening," Morgan retorted.
"I'm amazed Ashley can still feel anything down there," Stella muttered, earning some chuckles.
"It's called kegals baby," Ashley replied, a huge grin on her face.
Ashley and Zoey then opened their insanely huge bags, revealing their contents. Although almost everyone had smuggled in food, they certainly claimed the prize for most outragous contraband. Ashley pulled out a bucket of extra crispy, spicy KFC chicken, as well as a box holding biscuits and containers of cole slaw. As she pulle out the containers holding mashed potatoes and gravy, Ashley pulled out plates and their bottled pop.
"Oh my God, Ashley, you cannot be serious," Lila said, staring at her sister slackjawed. She was used to her sister smuggling weird things into the theater, but this was right up there.
"Why the fuck not? We're hungry, right Zo?" Ashley said to her companion.
"Hellz yeah!" Zoey replied, also pulling out some parfeit.
"You do realize we are going to dinner in just a few hours right?" Kevin said.
"Shh! Don't tell her!" Elle whispered. "maybe they forgot!"
"Zo and I remember about our little dinner date and don't worry, we'll make room for dinner," Ashley assured them.
"I love KFC, but it tends to go right through me," Zoey added.
"If it goes right through you, why are you eating it?" Emma asked.
"Because I love it. Pay the fuck attention!" Zoey exclaimed.
"Want some chicken?" Zoey asked, offering her the bucket.
"No thank you," Emma replied, content with her bottled water and snowcaps. She was also sharing a bucket of popcorn with Hotch, who was enjoying a coke and chocolate covered raisins. They had purchased their items at the movie theater, since they both felt strongly against smuggling food into the theater. Emma tried, but always felt guilty afterwards.
"What about you, Dee? Want some chicken?" Ashley asked Morgan.
"No," he said curtly, having lost interest in his cheese covered nachos and coke.
"Anyone want some chicken?" Ashley offered one final time.
"I'll have some chicken," Kevin said. Kevin loved KFC.
"Alright; do you want cole slaw or mp & g?" Ashley asked.
"Mp & g?" Kevin asked, looking puzzled.
"Mashed potatoes and gravy," Ashley explained. She filled a plate and had it passed to him.
"Thanks, Ash. Do you want some candy?" Kevin offered.
"What kind do you have?" Ashley asked, leaning over to inspect the merchandise.
"M&ms, mini Snickers, mini Reeses, Swedish fish..."
"Ohhh, can I have some jaw breakers?" Ashley asked, noticing the box in Garcia's bag.
"I wish hers would," JJ whispered.
"Sure," Kevin replied. Ashley leaned towards him and he poured some into her palm.
"Thanks man," Ashley replied, sitting back up.
"So yeah, I read some reviews about this movie and it sounds really good," Ashley continued.
"Shh!" the same movie goer hissed. Ashley turned around and found herself looking at an average looking man with an average looking group of friends.
"'Shh' back at you! What the fuck are you shushing about? All we're watching is motherfucking previews," Ashley said, turning back to face the screen.
"Oh and Em, here's your shirt back," Ashley added, pulling a tank top with a grey and peach floral pattern out of her purse and tossing it to Emma.
"H...how did you get this?" Emma sputtered. Then she took a whiff and made a face. "eww, and it smells like chicken."
"I got it from your closet silly," Ashley said matter of-factly.
"B...but how? I must have changed my locks like three times!" Emma protested, looking over at Hotch, whose expression was unreadable.
"But you haven't changed your lock smith..." Ashley said in a singsong voice.
"You slept with my locksmith to get a key to my apartment?" Emma asked, looking wide eyed with shock and alarm.
"Ding ding ding, that would be correct!" Ashley said, casting her a grin.
Emma continued to stare at her and Hotch rested a hand on her arm. "Don't worry, I will find another locksmith for you."
"Thank you," Emma replied, feeling slightly relieved.
"Could you please keep it down?" the moviegoer begged again.
"Shh-I wanna hear this!" his female companion hissed, slapping him in the arm.
"Me too!" said another movie goer.
"So Lila...you and Spence went to a cooking class today: did you fuck on the countertop?"
Spencer gave Ashley a look of disgust, which Lila quickly matched. "No, but even if we did that would be none of your business! Spencer and I are married and what we do is for our knowledge only."
"You are only saying that because Spencer is being a control freak and won't let you say anything!" Ashley countered.
"No, I am saying that because it is true and no one wants to hear about our sex life," Lila replied. She looked around at the group, who was eagerly awaiting her next move. Even the group of unfamiliar movie goers looked intrigued.
"Does anyone here really want to know about my love life with Spencer? Everyone, with the exception of Ashley, Zoey, Stella, and possibly Garcia, please raise your hand if you want to know the nitty gritty of what Spencer and I do in bed."
"I wanna know," one of the guys in the other group said, raising his hand. His girlfriend promptly smacked him upside the head and forced him to apologize.
Lila rolled her eyes and sat back in her seat, crossing her arms tightly in front of her. Spencer wrapped his arm around her and kissed her cheek.
"Try to calm down, love. All this stress isn't good for you or our baby."
"I'm trying Spence, but Ashley is really making it difficult for me."
"Well the movie is about to start and Ashley is going to keep her mouth shut, aren't you Ashley?" Morgan asked, giving her a stern look.
"Ohh, you're sexy when you're angry. Wanna fuck when the lights dim?" she asked, her eyes sparkling with mischief and lust.
"Thank you for that...kind invitation, but I'm afraid I will have to pass. I would hate to make you settle or a six or a seven when you could hold out and possibly meet a ten later on this evening."
"Ohh, touchee my friend, touchee. That really makes me hot!" Ashley said.
"SHH!" everyone said in unison as the lights started to dim.