Chapter Thirty Five- Words You Never Wanted to Hear

A/N: I hate what happens and it nearly killed me to write this. It's sad, let's put it that way. Okay, I'll quit it with the torturing and get on with the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Outsiders". I do own the poem, "I Give Up."
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Throw my hands up in the air
Because I surrender
The world's too big and I'm too small
No use fighting, I know I'll fall
Told me one too many times
That I can't hit
Told me too many times
The same old shit
So I'll throw my hands up in the air
And I'll surrender
I know that this is not enough
And I give up!

Cameron's POV

I saw Kendi writing in her notebook during Language Arts. That's what she's been doing during the mornings lately. No words unless it's coming through her pencil and onto the page. Ever since her parents found out about her cutting, she's been forced to quit. So instead of dealing with her feelings through a blade, she pours them out in the form of poems and lyrics. I'm not sure if I like this any better. When she was cutting, we at least got to talk. Now it seems like she's in her own world most of the time.

"Hey, Kendi," I said when I saw her again in Geometry.

"Hey," she said. The notebook was nowhere to be found. Mainly this was because Mr. Danza once caught another student writing a note and he took it and read it to the whole class. Talk about traumatizing. So at least Kendi has a moment where she's not buried in her notebook.

"So, Kendi, are you all right?" I said.

"Yeah. Why would you think I'm not?"

"Just asking. You haven't been… you know… lately, right?"

"I haven't done that in a week, Cam. Why? You don't trust me? You think I'll start up again?"

"No, I didn't mean that," I said. "Look, I still think you should get some help. Maybe therapy or-,"

"Cam, I'm okay! I don't need help! I already quit!"

"Alright, I get it! Don't have to have a hissy fit." Kendi ignored me for the rest of the period. Kendi wasn't this way before. What happened?

Kendi's POV

I felt bad yelling at Cam. He didn't do anything except try to help. Why'd I go off on him? It was like I would've exploded if Cam said anything more.

After class, I talked to him at his locker.

"Cam, I'm sorry about yelling at you. I don't know what came over me, really." He smiled at me.

"It's okay. I understand. You're going through a rough time."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For putting up with me."

"No problem."

Cameron's POV

I was really hoping Kendi would get her emotions under control. I thought she had when she apologized.

At lunch, Rawley was the only one at the table when I got there.

"So what's the deal with Kendi so far?" he said. I'd already told him about Kendi's cutting.

"She's doing okay. She's stopped cutting so maybe she's getting better."

"Yeah, I guess." Rawley paused for a moment. "Cam, how are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?" I said between bites of pasta.

"Well, first your dad abuses and tries to kill you. Next thing you know, Kendi turns you down and you find out her secret. How are you handling all that?"

"Actually, I already knew Kendi's secret way before she got called to Mr. Naldi."

"What? Then why didn't' you say anything?"

"It didn't seem like a big deal then."

"Well, what do you think now, smart one?"

"I don't know. I didn't think it would go like this."

"Oh. So, are you going to be okay, Cam? You've been dealing with a lot lately."

"I'll be fine, don't' worry."

"Alright then." I hoped Rawley would stop worrying about me. We've got other things on our minds without something else bothering us.

At the end of the day, I saw Kendi at her locker. My locker is only two away from hers (who planned that?) so we could talk again.

"Hey, Kendi. Feeling better?" I said.

"Yeah."

You sure?"

"Yeah, Cam, I'm fine. Why do you always ask?"

"I don't know. I guess because..."

"You don't have to ask every single time you see me. It's not like if you don't, I'm going to pull a blade on myself." She said this in an angry tone, like she was fed up with me.

"I didn't say you would. I just... I don't know. Things happened too fast. One minute, my dad's hitting you, and the next, I'm in the hospital, and then you're…" I never got to finish.

"Cam, stop it! I know what happened; I know what's going on! I'm tired of it!" I was thrown off. Why was she so angry?

"Look, Kendi. You're not getting it. You're hurting everyone. Can't you see we're all just trying to help?

"Stop it! Yeah, you're trying to help. Why can't you just leave me alone? It's nto like I have to take your shit, Cam!" As soon as she said that, she clapped her hand over her mouth and her eyes widened. "Cam, I didn't mean that. What I meant to say…" I cut her off. I'd had enough.

"Don't say anything. I don't want to hear it. If you don't have to take my shit, then I don't have to take yours." I wasn't angry, just annoyed. I looked Kendi once more in her embarrassed eyes and walked away, guiltless. And I walked home, without another thought.

Kendi's POV

I couldn't move. I couldn't take my hand off my mouth. If I did, I'd probably say something even stupider. No. Nothing could be as stupid as what I said to Cam. Nothing.

I took my bag, closed the locker, and leaned back on it. I really screwed up this time. I'll take a million of Valencia and Kapri's putdowns if I could just take it back. But all the apologies in the world couldn't take back what I said. Nothing I do can win Cam's forgiveness.

My throat hardened. Suddenly, my eyes got wet. No. I can't cry. Crying is admitting it's real. Crying is admitting it's real. Crying is… A tear leaked out of my left eye. I wiped it away. It was only a tear. It doesn't count.

I got angry at myself. How could I be so stupid? I banged my forehead on the locker. The headache soothed me. People stared at me strangely but who cares? I leaned back again and thought about how I could say sorry to him. How could I make it up to him? I came up with one conclusion.

I can't.

"I give up," I said softly.

When I got home, Mom wasn't there. She had to stay at work later because of some carnival day at the daycare.

Good, I though. There's no one to stop me.

I went to my room and put my bag in a corner. I pulled a piece of loose-leaf paper and wrote a few lines on it. Writing comes naturally to me these days. Then I took out my jewelry box. In it were some necklaces and earrings that I'd forgotten I had. Underneath it was the navy blue star necklace, and Dana's old knife. It wasn't the blade that freed Dana of her pain, but it was going to free me of mine.

I opened the blade, took a deep breath and-

RING! RING! RING!

The phone interrupted me.

Cameron's POV

I don't know why I was calling her. After what she said, I shouldn't even be thinking about her. And yet, here I am, dialing her number and waiting for her to answer. Pathetic, eh?

"Hello?" she said, her voice sounding like she jogged a few miles.

"Hey, Kendi. It's Cam."

"Oh. Hey." Awkward silence. Then we started talking at the same time.

"You first," I said.

"Cam, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know why I got so mad. I made an ass of myself and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it."

"Yeah. You were kind of an ass," I said. No point in being dishonest.

"Thanks for not lying. Anyways, what were you going to say?"

"Just that I hope you're all right. I know you're sick of me saying that, but it's the truth. It seems like I'm losing you and I don't like it. I… I…" I wanted to say, "I love you." I odn't even know why I wanted to. I just did. But the moment seemed to awkward to say it. "I just want you to know that no matter how much of an ass you are, I'll stil be here if you need me."

"Thanks, Cam. For everything."

"No problem."

"Goodbye, Cam." Then she hung up. And it felt like everything was back to normal. Like a humongous weight was lifted off my shoulders. How many times have you heard that saying?

It was silent at my house. Dan and Rod were at work. And Dad, Dad was no longer a threat to me. I was free. It took a little while for it to sink in that I was safe in my own home for once. Safe.

Instead of doing homework, I plopped myself on the couch and watched. I could bring the volume as loud as I want without worrying about waking someone upstairs. I smiled.

After about a half-hour, the phone rang. It was Mr. Curtis.

"Cam, is that you?" he said.

"Yeah."

"Oh. Well, there's something I have to tell you." He sounded worried or upset or confused or maybe all of the above but I couldn't tell.

"Yeah?"

"It's about Kendi." My heart beat twenty times faster.

"Is she all right?"

"Well, it's difficult to say…" I grew dizzy. The room wouldn't stop moving.

"What is it Mr. Curtis?" I knew something bad. I expected it. I thought I would be prepared for it. But there was no way I could be prepared for what Mr. Curtis said next. I swear, my heart had stopped when I heard him say it.

"She's attempted suicide."
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A/N: AIIIIIEEE! Don't kill me people! I had planned for this to happen from the start so it isn't like I woke up one morning thinking, "Ooh, I'm gonna have Kendi attempt suicide!" Yeah, flames are welcome for this. I know there are at least three people who are going to say "WTF? GET UR ASS BACK HERE AND WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER!" Or maybe more. Well, hope you liked it despite the last three words. Next chapter sure to be emotional. R&R