Chapter 12: Éloïse

The third world war had brought death to our house, yet I had never mourned the fallen soldiers. I had not known the pain which seemed to hold the heart with no end. Never before had I known grief or the feeling of crying where the tears didn't seem to end. Once the tears finally did stop coming I just felt I giant hole inside of me and there was nowhere I could escape the grasp of darkness which now held my entire soul. Francis was dead and I would never see him again. But the worst thing is that I don't remember the strong and brave leader he used to be but the sick and weak man he would become. I didn't see him smiling proudly and his beautiful blonde locks whirl in the air as he walked in the sunny gardens of his home. I only saw a pale shadow of what he used to be, laying in his bed between life and death. It would have been much better if I hadn't seen him like that. If I instead had found out that he died in battle instead then I could have eased my mind with the knowledge that he had died a heroic death and not fallen as a victim of a disease.
Everyone tried to be supportive but I was never in the mood to listen to them. To me, they were frauds who knew nothing of true loss and could never get the feeling of grief. They didn't have a knife stuck in their heart which opened wounds that I feared would never heal. Although I didn't want him to be buried here I knew that it would be impossible to go to France. Netherlands had insisted to have a funeral, which surprised me since I thought he didn't have a single bone in his body that knew feelings.

He and Belgium had done most of the planning and I didn't mind because I knew that nothing in this place could make him justice and I would only feel bad if I made a funeral unworthy of him. On the day of the funeral, I woke up and the world seemed to be even darker than the day before. It was the beginning of August and I knew that it was still too early for the sun to delay its rising but it still felt a lot darker than it usually was. But it would rather be the opposite since northern Sweden had midnight sun which made it seem like the days never ended. I knew I had to dress appropriately for the occasion but there was no black clothing in the closet which told me that the previous owner probably never went to a funeral in her entire life or maybe it wasn't the custom back then to dress in black at such occasions. I had to settle for a dark green dress which was far too fancy but I suppose Francis would have preferred it that way. He had always dressed in expensive fabric and the latest fashion trends and he enjoyed showing them off. I put up my hair in a simple bun and put a black scarf on my head. With that, I could hide my face and dry my tears without bringing too much attention to myself even if I knew that they would keep an eye on me. Funnily enough, they thought that I would try to run away now when Francis had died. It had crossed my mind but I would never make it out alive. The woods were filled with dangerous creatures and dark magic at least that's was what Norway had told me. Fleur had been out all night in the woods but I wasn't too worried about her. She did that a lot and I knew that she would come back in a day or two. But she always seemed to know when I needed her but right now I wouldn't show anyone how close I was to breaking completely. I didn't put on any makeup. It would be ruined by my tears anyway. I straighten my back and holds my head up high when I leave the room. I would give an air of complete control like no one could get to me.

The others had also dressed up for the occasion and looked at me with pity. I ignored their looks and just walked past them as if they didn't even exist. I was in my own world at the moment and the only thing that existed in that world was only my grief. Since it was still summer that had decorated the garden and I had to say that they had done a good job with the little resources available. No one had expected him to die. It was a secret he had kept to himself, and if he had told anyone the person was either not here or very good at keeping a secret. They had put the coffin in the middle of a circle of white flowers. I wondered where they had found it since I didn't think the castle had coffins laying around. There was someone walking up to me and standing beside me. I didn't care to look up who it was but the person put no effort to say something. We just stood there and stared at the black coloured wood until I almost forgot whose body was residing inside of it. The others had joined me and I knew that they waited for me to let one of them hold a speech about Francis and all the good things he did in life. I turned to the person who stood beside me and was surprised to see Russia. I turned to Netherlands who I saw hold a piece of paper. It was so typical of him to take the lead role, even in this. But I supposed that he must have known him too. He nodded and walked over to my other side. He always looked so determined in everything he did and people seemed to look up to him as a leader. Even when it was clear that I would have been the most appropriate candidate to hold a speech about my brother's life. Not that I knew what I would have said if I was given the chance.

There was a lot of good memories of him but it was personal and a something between me and him. I could never make it justice by telling them about it. They would never truly get the feeling. And I didn't feel like talking about the time when I left his house and definitely not the time after the explosion at the world meeting building.
"Let's share a minute in silence to remember him with," Netherlands said. I hadn't heard a single word of his speech and felt sort of bad about it. He had clearly spent the time to write it and now I was too occupied with thoughts that I didn't even hear it. By the time I had forgiven myself for not listening the silent minute was over and people were going back to the castle again. I couldn't blame them that they didn't seem that sorry about the entire thing. He was more or less a stranger to them and I wouldn't have known what to do if someone that stood close to them died. I stayed for a while. Russia did too. I didn't mind and after a while, I forgot he even stood there.
"Do you want to be alone?" he asked all of a sudden. It was strange that he asked me now when he had stood there for so long without me saying anything.
"I don't mind you being here," I said.
"I am really sorry for your loss," he said.
"You and everyone else," I said. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn't face him. He could think what he wished of me but I didn't want the pity. Especially not with the looks as if they thought I would break in any second. I'm a lot stronger than I may look and I was prepared to show them that.
"Will you be alright?" he asked. I sighed. This was the usual questions. How are you? Will you be alright? Do you need a friend? Etc.
"Oui, it's not like I don't have any choice, do I?" I asked. He didn't answer and we returned to just being quiet. All of a sudden I felt like telling him about Francis. I knew that they had been allies in the third world war.
"Francis was the one who taught me to play the piano," I said. "He would sit with me by the piano for hours until I got it right."
"You really like music?" he asked.
"It's the love of my life," I replied.
"Do you miss it?" he asked.
"Like one would miss their heart," I replied. "I'm going to take a walk and I wish to be alone."
He nodded and let me wander by myself. I walked to the end of the garden but decided to continue into the forest. I didn't walk too far. I didn't believe that it was filled with dark magic that Norway says but I know for certain that there are animals that I wouldn't want to meet. Since the sun wasn't setting I wasn't too sure what time it was but I suspected it was past midnight once I returned.

Fleur met me as soon as I entered the garden. If animals could speak I suspected that she would tell me that she had been worried about me or maybe she was just upset because I didn't bring her. She walked ahead of me with light steps like she knew a secret. Fleur had always been a bit strange to me. Something about her way made me think that it was more to her than what catches the eye.
When I entered my room it seemed smaller. A lot smaller and both to my surprise and delight I saw a piano placed on the right side of the room. For the first time since Francis died, I felt a bit happier. I almost ran over to it and sat down. My fingers felt so natural on the keys and I just began to play. It was a relief to know that I hadn't forgotten how to play. When I had played for a while I began to wonder who would give me such gift. My thoughts turned to Russia and our conversation earlier that day. Could he be the one to have arranged this? If so I would be forever grateful. My brother is dead and I attended what could be called his funeral even if I never saw the coffin getting buried but I knew that I couldn't let the grief consume me. I had to harden my heart and move on if I would ever be able to save the land he now left behind. To do that I had to find a way to get out of here, find Magda and make everything right.