AN: Thank you so much to those who are reviewing! I appreciate so much and I love hearing your thoughts as we go along in the chapters!
Music for this chapter (on repeat): I Grieve by Peter Gabriel.
THIRTY-FIVE
o
"All right Mom, enough of the suspense. What is this painting?" Sydney asked bright eyed the next morning when she joined everyone in the Throne Room after breakfast carrying the large paper wrapped item.
Irina's eyes immediately lit up with delight as she stood to take the painting from Sydney.
"Pierre said it and I quote, 'is worth more then you could possibly believe…' Are you sure you didn't steal the Mona Lisa?" Sydney smiled, teasing her mother and making everyone else laugh as she took her seat on Vaughn's lap.
"Yes. I'm sure I didn't steal the Mona Lisa but he was right," Her hands softly caressed the paintings edges with fascination and sheer joy, "It means a great deal to me." She turned her eyes up to find Katya's with a smile, "And you too."
Katya gave her a, curious smile in return having no idea what that painting was and Irina's peculiar behavior.
Slowly Irina slid her finger under the flap of brown paper, releasing its glue seal along the edge of the top. She grabbed a corner and again looked up at Katya with an enormous smile before tearing the paper away slowly.
Katya gasped instantly covering her mouth as tears filled her eyes. "You found it."
The woman in the painting was simply stunning.
"Is that um…who I think it is?" Marshall chewed his fingernail nervously looking to Irina and back again at the painting.
"Our mother." She smiled at him and then to Katya who was still too stunned to move.
"Wow." Weiss leaned forward to look closer, "She's so…Wow." He smiled, easily recognizing the woman as Irina's mother their striking looks hard to forget.
"Where did you? How?" Katya moved closer, kneeling down in front of the painting on the floor running her hand over the beautiful wooden frame.
"I finally found it three years ago, in Orleans after spending the last fifteen years looking for it. The owners had inherited it from their uncle who had gotten it from his wife's mother whose first husband was the son of Jean-Michael." She smiled radiantly in triumph looking over the painting and her sister's reaction.
"So, it was missing? And who's Jean-Michael?" Sydney wore a confused smile, just as in awe as everyone else staring at the portrait of Anastasia, 'her grandmother,' she smiled wider.
"Yes. It was missing." Irina shook her head with a smile, relieved to have finally found it. "When our parents fled Russia and moved to France, they lived in a small apartment in Paris."
Irina began the story with a smile, "The man below them, Jean-Michael, was a young struggling artist, who quickly became a good friend." Her smiled grew as she stared into her mother's eyes in the portrait. "He had thought, my mother to be the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen…" She laughed, her eyes dancing, "And told her often. He'd asked for two years if she wouldn't 'please' sit for him, be his muse and let him paint her portrait. She and my father were both nervous about the idea as they were 'in hiding' and no one knew my mother was still alive. She kept telling him she was too shy to sit for a portrait or have anyone see it that is how she had put him off for so long. Jean-Michael had no idea of course, who my mother really was and finally, she agreed to sit for him if he'd promise to never sell the painting. She was doing it for him, as a friend and he agreed. So, in the spring of 1920 my mother sat for this portrait. It was the first portrait she had sat for since Russia and before the Revolution. It was also that last portrait ever painted of her." She smiled warmly and everyone began to see 'why' this painting was extremely valuable; not only for sentimental reasons being Irina and Katya's mother, but because it was the first and last portrait ever painted of the Grand Duchess Anastasia. "It instantly became my father's favorite. He hung in their apartment for the first ten years of their marriage. Jean-Michael became crippled after a bout with polio and could no longer paint. He became very depressed and reclusive. Our mother saw him admiring it at their apartment one day with a smile. It had reminded him that at one point in his life, he was a brilliant painter and that his life had meaning. He had never kept any of his paintings, had sold them all so… my mother gave the portrait back to him as a gift. Our father used to talk about this painting in great detail all of the time when we were little and how 'beautiful our mother' was in this portrait, reminding him of the earlier years of their life together. He had it memorized down to the last detail."
Katya stood smiling and still in shock that Irina had actually found it. She grabbed Irina and hugged her fiercely. "Thank you."
Irina wrapped her free arm around Katya smiling, "You don't have to 'Thank' me. I thought it was time I brought it here, to hang in her favorite place now that Alexandra is finished. We've also decided to hang an identical replica in the museum with the rest of her portraits." She pulled back from the hug smiling. "So everyone can see it. We want to share after all."
"She's so beautiful." Sydney smiled getting up to inspect it further. The fact that her mother had trusted her enough to bring it here safely; was overwhelming.
"I can't believe how long Babushka's hair is!" Sofia was enchanted staring at her grandmother at the same age she is now.
"Certainly shows off those powerful Romanov eyes you inherited…" Marshall added smiling and blushing all at once looking at Sofia, remembering her response to his comment at the airport, "She's so…incredibly…beautiful…Looks like it could be a portrait of you." He turned his head and smiled to Irina shyly.
Jack agreed with Marshall's assessment. Upon first seeing the painting, his mind had immediately flashed to that night in Panama when he removed the tracker and Irina had her hair over one shoulder as Anastasia did in this painting, same dark seductive eyes. 'Irina was her mother's daughter…almost a carbon copy.' Jack smiled shaking his head. He could easily see 'why' this painting was Irina's father's favorite; how he could have memorized it down to the last detail when she looked so beautiful. Like the snapshot he had permanently engrained into his mind of Irina, from that moment she looked at him in Panama.
"Yes, she was quite beautiful, hard to forget. She was so enchanting." Mikhail smiled softly at his memory of the woman trying to remember that last time he'd seen her. "I can still see the last time I saw her in my mind so clearly; that big beautiful smile. Your father teasing her making her laugh. It was my birthday; do you remember? We all had dinner together." He looked over at Irina smiling when she nodded she did.
"Your mother burned your cake." Irina laughed, as did Katya and Mikhail, "Which was odd, since she never burnt anything. She is a domestic Goddess!"
"She was a great cook." Mikhail smiled softly, his eyes diverting to the floor thinking about her.
"She still is." Irina added softly with a smile. "She will be so excited to see you again.
"You're going to see her?" Vaughn looked at his father with questioning eyes.
"I'm going to see her today." Mikhail answered with a hint of nervousness at seeing his mother and brother again.
"I was hoping that you'd come with me. I just thought it would be nice if we went together. Rina told me how much it meant to my mother meeting you. If you don't want to, I understand."
"No," Vaughn furrowed his brows in thought speaking softly, "I will come with you. I promised her I would visit again when I had the chance." He smiled softly.
"Good. Thank you." Mikhail smiled warmly.
*I Grieve*
"Sydney," Her father's voice broke her dreams with a gentle shaking of her shoulder where she'd fallen asleep on the couch. "It's time to go." He offered her his hand and then pulled her into his arms.
"Where's Lena?"
"With Sophia in the garden." Jack nodded in the direction of the window revealing the beautiful snow covered hedges that surrounded Alexandra Palace in the winter.
The sun was shinning brightly and a warm breeze kept the air from being too cold. Sophia suddenly appeared in view of the window, the baby wrapped in a white fur blanket nestled in the crook of her arm contrasting sharply with the black she was wearing.
"Dmitri's pulling the car around front."
Sydney's mind was reeling and she felt as though her heart had just stopped watching as Jack pulled on his heavy winter coat. When he was finished he stopped and looked at her funny expression, waiting for some kind of response.
"Ok Dad." She finally acknowledged him barely above a whisper. Jack gave her a small smile and left the room leaving Sydney firmly planted the spot beneath her feet as her eyes flew back to the window and Sophia and Lena in the garden. Her heart began pounding rapidly in her chest and she felt as though she couldn't breathe experiencing déjà vu'
'Am I dreaming now? Or was that all a dream? Did my mother really die? Was she really executed and I just dreamt these last couple of months?'
Sydney felt the tears burning in her eyes as she looked at Sophia who was apparently talking to the baby and began pointing to a group of geese in the sky who had waited too long to fly south for the winter. It was the same as in her dream.
'Or was it a dream? Or is this the dream? Or is this reality?' Sydney shook her head in confusion as her palms felt sweaty.
"Mom?" She cried out softly to no one before running as fast as she could up the stairs trying to figure what the hell was going on and praying that she hadn't dreamt her mother's last minute save and these last few weeks. She couldn't focus on anything but one foot in front of the other as she ran.
"Katya," She burst through the door of her mother's massive bedroom and Sydney stopped frozen, instantly with horror when she saw that her aunt 'was' standing by the window, picture frame clutched to her chest, watching the snow start to fall outside.
"No! No,no,no!" Sydney's tears turned to sobs as she dropped to her knees, realizing that she'd dreamt everything about these last couple of months, realizing that her mother was really dead. "She can't be gone! She can't be!"
Katya whirled around quickly to see what was wrong with her niece.
"Sydney who? Who can't be gone?" Katya didn't know what was wrong and started walking slowly toward Sydney, confused.
"Sydney?" Irina opened the bathroom door and stepped out, having heard someone crying she saw her daughter collapsed on her knees in front of her door, bawling her eyes out.
"Mom!" Sydney jumped up as fast as lightening and threw her arms around Irina sobbing. "You're alive! You're alive! I wasn't dreaming! You're alive!" She held Irina tighter then she ever had before and seeing Sydney's distress and hearing her frantic tone and words, Irina returned the tight embrace.
"Of course I am, Sweetheart. Shhh." Irina ran one hand over the back of Sydney's head, smoothing her hair trying to calm Sydney down as Katya came to stand by them concerned. "Sydney what happened?"
She asked softly in her ear as she maintained her tight embrace.
"I had…I had…" Sydney sniffled through her erratic breaths, "I was sleeping…and when I woke…it was all the same."
She cried hard again and Irina's heart felt heavy at not knowing what was making her child so upset. "Sydney, what was all the same?" She asked softly.
"Dad and Sophia and Lena and the geese. Katya standing in your room by the window with the picture frame."
Sydney kept crying as Irina's eyes immediately went to her sister's who shrugged that she didn't know anything, holding the picture frame in her hand.
"What do you mean they are the same?" Irina pulled Sydney's head back with her hands on both sides of her head, searching Sydney's blurry eyes for understanding.
"The night of your Execution, I was sleeping," She started crying again looking at her mother in front of her, "I was dreaming but I didn't know it at the time. We were here because you died." Her face contorted as she held back a sob, "We'd just buried you and Dad woke me from where I was sleeping on the couch to say we were leaving and I asked him where Lena was and she was outside with Sophia in a white blanket showing her the geese," Sydney started to hiccup her breaths between her words as Irina tried to follow along, "I came upstairs to say 'goodbye' to Katya and she was standing right there by the window, holding that same picture frame," Sydney's eyes darted to the frame in Katya's and Irina followed, "She was…was standing by the window crying, holding that frame and watching as the snow covered your grave under the tree." Sydney sobbed and turned back to Irina, "And just now, downstairs Dad woke me up the same way telling me we were leaving and I asked where Lena was and saw Sophia in the garden with her pointing to the geese!" Her voice raised as more tears fell with the fear still inside, "I didn't know if I was still dreaming or if I was awake and just dreamed that you survived and these last few months, I didn't know so I…I ran as fast as I could up here and when I saw Katya by the window with the frame…I thought you died! That it was all a dream, these last couple of months, you were really dead!" She started sobbing and Irina pulled her tightly to her chest with tears in her eyes, realizing now, why her daughter was so frantic.
The obvious fear she still had inside her from the execution and losing her mother again.
"Shhhh." Irina tried to calm Sydney, holding her tightly as Katya's eyes filled with tears as well, "It's ok, I'm not dead. I'm here with you. Always with you, I'm not going anywhere ever again." Irina choked down her own sob, trying to stay calm. "Shhhh. Sydney, sweetheart it's ok. I'm alive. I didn't die; you aren't dreaming."
"I was watching Sophia and the baby, Sydney, I'm sorry." Katya felt helpless and sorry for her part in her niece's panic attack.
Jack walked into the room holding Lena and looking for Sydney. He stopped immediately seeing Irina holding Sydney so tightly with obvious tears in her eyes, upset and hearing Sydney still crying; his gaze rapidly shifting from them to Katya who stood clutching a picture frame and crying as well. He had no idea what the hell was going on or why Sydney was so upset.
"I was so scared." Sydney said barely above a whisper into Irina's dark tresses as she began to settle down and Irina ran her hand in circles over her daughter's back, looking into Jack's concerned eyes.
"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean to scare you." Irina whispered into her ear and pulled her back to wipe her tears, with a small smile. "I'm sorry." 'Sorry for leaving you twenty-two years ago and again in Panama, sorry for almost dying and leaving you alone again. Sorry because all of those things had built a terror so deep inside her daughter of abandonment she was afraid to believe her mother wasn't going to leave her again whether by abandonment or in this case…death.'
"It's not your fault." Sydney sniffled and Irina grabbed her face and kissed her cheeks, hugging her again until Sydney had completely stopped crying.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Jack finally spoke, asking softly from where he stood by the door.
"It's ok, Jack." Irina looked deep into his eyes trying to assure him everything was okay. "Sydney's ok, we're ok. I'll tell you later."
Seeing this was obviously something neither of them wanted to talk about right now, Jack accepted that answer.
"Ok, I just came up here to see if Sydney was ready to go. Everyone else is waiting in the car already." He shifted the sleeping baby in his arms. "Do you want to still come into town with us for a little while?" They had planned on taking a short trip into town to see the city decorated for the holidays as Marshall and Weiss had never been, swinging by a restaurant on the way home bringing dinner. Mikhail and Vaughn had left hours ago to Gyrady.
"Dad, I want to stay here, with Mom." Sydney sniffled and wiped her tear tracks with her hand as she turned to face her father who was obviously concerned. She was still reeling from the panicked thought and feelings of believing Irina had really died.
Jack saw Irina nodding behind Sydney with a look that said, 'yes, go…we need to be together right now.'
"Ok." He offered Sydney a small smile as he handed Irina the baby. "We won't be gone long."
He kissed Irina on the lips softly and then Sydney's cheek.
When he had left the room, Irina motioned for Katya and Sydney to sit with her on the bed.
"Are you ok?" Irina reached out with her hand, clasping Sydney's forearm softly as she sat in front of her on the bed, Irina and Katya leaning back against the pillows and headboard.
"Yeah, I'm sorry." Sydney smiled embarrassed as she wiped her eyes with a tissue Katya handed her. "I just panicked at the thought that you were gone." She'd stopped just short of again, and Irina's heart broke with how haunted her daughter was by the past even if they'd moved forward. Some hurts, would never really go away as she learned with Jack. Even though he knew now, her reasons for leaving them, that'd she'd had no choice. It still didn't take away the memories from that time period, the hurt that went with them.
"It's ok." Irina smiled warmly, "You don't have to be sorry for anything."
"I guess its just all the media coverage and film files and photos," Sydney reached over to Irina's nightstand retrieving the latest magazines featuring Irina, "From your Execution that have reminded me how close I came to losing you again…bringing back all those old feelings." Both magazines were covering time periods when Sydney had either lost, or came close to losing her mother.
The first was about the day of Irina's extraction when Sydney was only six and the second, was covering her execution. Weiss and Marshall had picked them up for reading in the plane on the way to Russia. Sydney took a deep breath staring at the covers having read the articles herself, in magazines on her flight to and from Paris.
"It's understandable, Sydney," Irina swallowed hard staring at the face of her child so innocent and unknowing on the magazine cover. An immediate reminder staring from the photo of that child, to the woman in front of her now of all the years she'd missed in between the two faces. "Those are both, two very traumatic times in your life…in all our lives." Irina reached up and cupped Sydney's cheek, brushing her thumb over the smooth skin with a smile.
"It was kind of strange to read about that day as an adult now, I only remember it as a child." Sydney looked down at the magazine covering Irina's extraction. "Reading about the events from your point of view; I hadn't yet asked you what exactly happened to you, that day, and the days following until your imprisonment." She looked up at Irina and the corner of her mouth turned up in a mischievous grin. "Did I ever tell you how I knew you were still alive? How I figured out how you'd done it? Escaped, survived the accident? "
Irina and Katya were both surprised, especially Katya who still had no idea how Irina faked her death other then she 'died' in a car accident. In their newfound relationship, they hadn't yet gone over those details, there was still so much to learn.
"No, you've never said anything." Irina cocked her head to the side, intrigued with the story she knew was bound to be interesting if it was Sydney.
"A few months before Taipei, the second time, not the first." Sydney sighed and shifted on the bed, bending her knee and pulling it up under the other leg. "I was a fugitive on the run." She smiled and quirked her eyebrows seeing the obvious surprise and then worry on her mothers and aunts' faces.
"Why? Why were you a fugitive?" Irina felt her chest instantly tightening even though she knew these events were in the past, she couldn't help but worry about her daughter.
"Because the US government had decided 'I' was The Chosen One in Rambaldi's prophecy, which I knew nothing about at the time," She narrowed her eyebrows, wishing she'd never heard the man's name, "And because The Chosen One was deemed dangerous with the way the prophecy read, that bringing the 'world utter desolation' part scared them, I think." She laughed and Irina smiled shaking her head at her daughter, "Anyway, so they wanted to lock me up and throw away the key. Dad and Vaughn broke me out and I was on the run. I needed to get to Mt. Sabasio and 'prove' to everyone, I wasn't The Chosen One."
"Why did you have to go to Mt. Sabasio to prove you weren't The Chosen One?" Katya asked confused, having only heard the brief overview of this crazy Rambaldi Prophecy and her family's role and especially her sister's part in it.
"Because the Prophecy reads that The Chosen One will never have witnessed a sunrise over Mt. Sabasio, so the easiest way of proving I wasn't her was by going there." Sydney ran her hair behind her ear and lay backwards, propped up on one elbow sprawled across the bed in front of them.
"Ah, ok. So you've never been to before then? If you're The Chosen One?" Katya turned her attention to Irina with rapt attention finding all of this more and more interesting.
"No, I haven't been and not for lack of trying. Something always seems to happen that keeps me from fulfilling my plans." Irina shrugged and adjusted Lena in her arms so that she was now sleeping against her chest.
"See! That's because you are The Chosen One and were never meant to see it." Sydney smiled at Irina, "Fate kept intervening to keep you away."
"Ok, so you were on the run. Then what?" Irina got them back on the original track.
"So, I was on the run and spotted by police and 'one hell of a' car chase ensued with the police and FBI all over Los Angeles." She smiled again, loving the surprise and horror she was able to evoke out of her Mom and Katya.
"She is your daughter!" Katya mocked whispered under breath nudging Irina and making them all laugh.
Sydney sighed, sobering up with what was coming next. "The only way I was going to be able to escape was to drive off the docks into the ocean. So I did." She looked softly at her mother as Irina's eyebrows shot up but remained silent. "I knew they would be waiting for me to surface if they believed I escaped the car and was still alive. I knew I had to wait a long time so they would think I drowned."
Irina found it hard to swallow and Katya's eyes were racing back and forth between her niece and sister.
"I knew I needed air to do that, so, I thought about how you would have done it that night of the accident if you really were still alive. Suddenly, I knew." She smiled softly to Irina, her eyes never leaving her mothers. "I swam out the window and breathed air out of the tires for over ten minutes; and while I was down there waiting, I just knew. I knew you were still alive. That was how you faked your death. That's how you did it, didn't you?" Sydney's eyes searching her mother's, waiting for the verbal confirmation she knew she didn't need having watched Irina's reactions while she was telling the story.
"Yes." Irina answered softly, shocked that her daughter had done the same thing and in doing so, had realized her mother was still alive.
"I surfaced after I knew they were gone and went straight to Dad." Sydney continued softly with the story, "Told him I knew, without a doubt that you were still alive and how I knew that. He argued you couldn't be, there had been an investigation into your death for just that purpose, to see if you had really died or just used it to escape; they'd told him you were dead." She twirled the edged of Lena's blanket between her fingers thinking about the look on her father's face when he realized her mother was still alive. "He was arguing that you were dead because ,I could see, the look on his face like all the wind had been sucked right out of him. The thought of you still being alive after all these years," She knew she didn't need to elaborate on what state her father would be in to her mother, "Well, you know Dad. He had to know for sure. So he broke into the records room and found the file of the investigation into your death, he'd never been allowed to see before. They'd lied to him." Sydney found it hard to swallow seeing the look of anguish running through her mother's eyes, "The file said you were alive. They knew you were still alive but they lied to Dad because they knew how much he loved you." She paused, speaking slowly, "They didn't want him to go after to find you. In those files, were the names of the agents that had been assigned to investigate your death, the agents that lied to him." Sydney looked down to the blanket in her fingers and then back up to her mother, "Sloane was one of them. He knew all those years that you were still alive, watching Dad going through hell over not only finding out about, who you really were, but dealing with your death, which was equal anguish because he still loved you; and Sloane had let Dad believe you died."
The 'what ifs' came roaring to both Sydney and Irina's minds with the thought 'if only' Jack had known she was still alive then. Would he have saved her from Kashmir? She would have never had to go through that? Sydney would have had her mother… Would he have left the CIA? Would he have used Project Christmas on Sydney? She probably wouldn't have become a spy. Irina probably wouldn't have isolated herself within her organization. Oh the 'if only' game. It was dangerous to play and meaningless.
"Sloane. I can't imagine why I'm not surprised by that." Irina hissed with sarcasm.
"Well, he and Dad had words after that, I think. Sloane spinning Dad some bullshit answer why he believed it was better for Dad to believe you'd died." Sydney added obviously annoyed. "But, I was 'intent' on finding you after I realized you were alive and Dad was adamantly against it trying to say that if you were alive all these years and didn't contact us, your life as 'Laura' was, just a mission, nothing more. That you never loved us…me." She swallowed hard noticing the tears slowly start forming in her mother's eyes. "He said he didn't want me to set myself up for the eventual disappointment I would have if I found you because the person you were now wasn't the mother I knew. He said it was better to remember the lie of the woman I knew… then the reality of who you really were." She stopped twirling the blanket and found Irina's fingers instead, holding them in her own for support. "Obviously that's not the truth but we had no way of knowing at that time. Dad absolutely refused to help me find you so in my desperation, I went to Sloane." She sighed thinking about that time frame, "Up until that time frame, where I learned you were still alive…I hated Sloane for what he did to Danny and he knew it but I knew, he had to know something about who 'Irina Derevko' was if he'd been assigned to the team investigating you. That he could tell me something and if I wanted to find you, I had to go to him for help. Believe you me, that about killed me going to 'him' of all people for help." She mock gagged and made Irina smile, "But, finding you was worth it so he and I struck a deal. I would do what he asked and he would help me and together we'd both get what we wanted…because he was looking for 'The Man," Sydney smiled emphasizing Irina's name and earning another smile, "And all things Rambaldi and I was looking for you. At that time, we thought that Khasinau was 'The Man' and that you were working for him so, it was in both our interests' to work together."
"Somehow, I don't think your father was pleased when he learned of your agreement with Sloane." Irina spoke with an arched eyebrow, as she ran her hand over Lena's head.
"Oh no. Dad was livid." Sydney rolled her eyes with a deep laugh, "But he couldn't do anything about it, since I was hell-bent on finding you."
"And you did." Irina sighed, "And the first thing I did was tell you I should have killed you when you were a baby and shot you in the shoulder." She said rapidly turning her gaze from Sydney and blinking rapidly at the tears threatening to fall.
Katya's eyes were wide in horror at Irina's revelation. She knew that her sister had shot Sydney at some point, saving her from Cuvee after capture, but never knew all of the details surrounding it. She certainly never knew what that the first words Irina spoke to her daughter in over two decades were telling her how she could have killed her when she was a baby. Basically telling Sydney she had meant nothing to her from the moment she was born.
'It must have killed Sydney, to hear that coming from her mother after wanting to find her for so long, and Irina, for having to say it…'
"God that was terrible…I'll never forget that look on your face." A tear finally escaped and she quickly brushed it away.
"And knowing now, that you were looking for me then…what a shock that must have been to you... I bet in that moment you'd wished I had died." Irina turned her gaze back to Sydney's with sorrowful eyes.
"Actually no, I didn't think that. Which I'll admit, is even surprising to me." Sydney shook her head in thought,
"I think I was too stunned to form coherent thoughts at that time. I think in the span of five seconds my emotions ran the gauntlet. The internal dialogue went from, 'oh my God, she's alive, I'm so happy, she's standing in front of me, she's still so beautiful' to, 'holy shit, she's 'The Man,' she's looking at me like I disgust her, she wishes she'd killed me as a baby, she never loved me, she's holding me hostage, she hasn't seen me in years and all she wants is information, she's the one who kidnapped and tortured Will, I'm her prisoner, she's got a gun, she must really be evil,' and then to, 'well fuck her I'm not giving her anything!" She smiled as she exaggerated her recanting of telling Irina to fuck off mentally, squeezing her mother's fingers with a small laugh, finding it laughable now, knowing her mother didn't mean it but was saving their lives and earning a tiny twitch of a smile from Irina's mouth. "Then you shot me and it was shock, 'my mother shot me! She actually shot me, holy-fucking-shit that hurts,' then back to disbelief of 'she shot me! Christ, that was a 'warning?!"
The way she was humorously recanting it, earning her chuckles from Katya and finally a small smile from Irina, which was her intent.
"When you left the room it was, 'I'll never talk so that means she'll come back and kill me, I have to get out of here', which I did somehow by blanking every emotion out of my mind other then survival mode on adrenaline. I called Dad, didn't tell him anything, only asked if Vaughn made it to the plane," She paused, "He hadn't, so I went back to your lab to try and find him much to Dad's dismay."
"You went back to the lab before you got medical treatment?" Irina grasped her arm, immediately concerned and horrified that her daughter escaped them, shot and bleeding only to head straight back to their lab without treatment.
"I had to find Vaughn. I wasn't leaving without him." Sydney said firmly, looking into her mother's eyes. "But, he wasn't there so I met Dad and Will on the plane. Dad immediately started stitching me up and asked who shot me. I told him it was you and that you were actually 'The Man." She sighed before continuing, "Then I think we both kind of sat there in disbelief, especially Dad because for all the ranting he did to me of you weren't the mother I remembered, in his own heart and mind, he knew you did love me. So when I told him it was you that shot me, you were the head of this large organization…I think it kind of floored him trying to see 'Laura Bristow' the wife and mother he remembered, as 'The Man' and someone so evil she'd shoot their own child. Will, poor Will," She smiled shaking her head thinking about her poor friends remarks on the plane, "He was 'really' confused because he knew nothing about you, except your name was Laura, you were a teacher and loving mother that I adored and you died when I was little, so when he suddenly heard that you were alive, had been that one that shot me and had him kidnapped and tortured he was just as floored as Dad and I. The flight home was fairly silent." She shrugged her eyebrows and bit her lip. "What about you?" She suddenly asked Irina, realizing she had no idea what her mother must have been going through then. She'd been reading the journals her mother gave to her, but these events and how Irina felt about them would be near the end and Sydney was no where near there yet. She was only up to the time frame of nine years old in her reading.
Katya remained absolutely silent, listening to the details of their traumatic reunion.
"Well," Irina swallowed the dry lump that had formed in her throat. "Before I walked into that room, I had to take a deep breath stuff every emotion I was feeling violently down knowing I had to do this, and do it quick if I was going to do it. I'd deal with my own emotions later but at that moment, it was about getting you the 'hell out of there' and not getting myself killed in the process." She took a deep breath and a small smile came to her lips. "My thoughts were much the same as your initial thoughts when I walked into that room and saw you. 'My baby, so beautiful, all grown up, sitting right in front of me, God I want to hold her in my arms, tell I love her and never stopped," She found Sydney's hand again and held it in her own, running her thumb over the back for comfort. "Then it was, fear and horror, worry. You were bleeding, and then anger for having to do, to say, the things I was having to say, seeing your face fall as I told you I could have killed you as a baby. Your tears about killed me, I was just going through the motions and saying the script I'd rehearsed in my head from the moment we captured you and I knew I had to find a way to get you out." She took a deep breath and blinked back the fresh tears starting to form in her eyes. "I knew I had to say things that would provoke you quickly, so that I could do it and get out as fast as possible because every moment in that room with you was torture under the circumstance. So, when you took the bait, I fired…and almost lost it right there." She batted quickly at a fallen tear and forged ahead, "I was so thankful that Cuvee and Khasinau were so busy being impressed that I actually shot you, they didn't hear the tremor in my voice when I told you to 'think about it, I'd come back later." Irina's voice trembled again as she spoke and batted at another fallen tear frustrated. Her version wasn't as humorous as Sydney's because she was the mother and no matter her reasons, destroying her child in that moment would haunt her forever.
"I walked back into the hallway and when the door was shut, Khasinau slapped me on the back with a smile and said, 'Well done Irina. Well done.' Like the slimy bastard was happy with the proof that they'd been able to re-educate me all those years before and make me the heartless machine they saw in front of them." Her tone became harder as her anger began to rise. "You escaped and they left the office to find out what they could. I went into the bathroom, shut the door, and immediately started vomiting, sick with what I'd done, what I'd said. I couldn't stop crying or shaking." Irina's tears fell again, one by one down her cheeks and dripping onto Lena's hair.
Sydney's eyes shot up in surprise learning just how upset her mother had been for what had happened; her actions and words towards Sydney making her physically ill even though she was doing it to save Sydney's life.
"I vowed right there in that bathroom that I would make them pay for forcing me to do that to my child. There were so many horrible things they'd done to me over the years and deserved to die for, but that was the last straw. Everything I'd compartmentalized and hid down deep about you for so many years erupted after that." Irina smiled softly through her tears at Sydney, "When I saw you in Barcelona, realized you were a double agent and then saw the look in your face when you turned around. You thought I was going to kill you and when I fired seeing that instant flash of fear, you thought I'd shot you and then the confusion at why I would shoot Khasinau and not you again."
"Oh yeah, when I heard your voice and saw Khasinau smiling before I turned around." Sydney shook her head with a small smile, "I thought for sure I wasn't walking out of that one. Then you fired, and for an instant thought you had shot me again and then you smiled at me, and I realized you'd killed Khasinau… Yeah, I was very confused."
Irina shook her head remembering how cute Sydney's face looked in her moment of confusion as she'd smiled at her for the first time in twenty-one years.
Sydney took a deep breath and sighed, rolling forward slightly onto her elbow.
"And then when you ordered me to my knees, hands on head, face to the ground. I thought for sure you were going to kill me Execution style. But instead, you picked up the case and told me, 'Truth Takes Time.' Which stunned the hell out of me, and confused me even more as to what that could possibly mean on top of not killing me," Sydney smiled softly with a soft chuckle, "And when I looked up, you were gone. Just like that."
"In that moment, I knew I had to find a way of explaining myself to you someway, somehow, it didn't matter. I knew I had to see you again. I'd already planned to turn myself into the CIA, finding out you were an agent with them too. It all fell into place," Irina smiled at Sydney. "I guess that was 'fate' working again…even if it was working in strange ways."
"And here we are today!" Sydney smiled laughing that deep giggle that Irina loved to hear as she rolled over onto her back on the bed.
"That was all very…fascinating." Katya finally spoke using a serious tone as if in thought before breaking into a beautiful smile of her own. "I think, I am very happy that I didn't go into espionage and stayed in the safer realm of modeling. Where the only danger I was faced with was breaking a heel on the runway and falling face first into the crowd."
Irina and Sydney both broke out into laughter as Katya smiled madly at her joke. Sydney rolled over and onto the magazines that lay beside her, she sat up and placed them on the nightstand with the others. The Russian one on the top of the pile caught her eye. She smiled instantly recognizing the photo of her mother from the night in Moscow at the ballet and realized this was the magazine that Mikhail had seen that led him here.
"So this is the magazine that led Mikhail to you?" Sydney pulled it off the nightstand, smiling as she looked at her mother on the cover.
"Yes." Irina sighed and adjusted Lena thinking about how fate really had worked out to bring all these little things together. Like, if Irina hadn't been kidnapped by Sloane, Jack and the CIA wouldn't have come to save her, she wouldn't have been arrested and sentenced to death, Putin wouldn't have had to reveal who she really was in order to save her life, the press wouldn't have gone crazy with publicity and snapped that photo and Mikhail would have never seen it, wouldn't know she was still alive and he wouldn't have come home to his family, yes fate was turning out to be interesting. Sydney read the headlines on the cover asked her mother the same question her father had.
"Mom, how do you feel about all of this? I mean, the entire Russian population seems to want the monarchy brought back with you on the throne in the official capacity. But how do you feel about that? Both of you?" She looked over her shoulder to Katya and then flopped back on the bed propping herself up, intent on listening to what they had to say.
"Well, ideally, I would like to keep things the way they are." Irina spoke softly, stroking Lena's soft hair, watching how the tiny mow-hawk would instantly bounce back into place after her fingers had passed. "With Vladimir as President and me working with him behind the scenes."
"Do you think that's best?" Katya turned slightly, crossing her arms over her chest, eyeing her sister intently, as curious as Sydney to see how Irina felt about everything. "I mean people know now…that you're the one with the 'real' power behind the decision making."
"Well, its been working well the way things are set up now. Why change what works?" She looked up to Katya, "We've accomplished a lot of things over the last decade."
"Yes, you have." Katya smiled and nodded agreeing, but she could see her sister avoiding how important her role really is. "But think of how much more you can accomplish with a united people behind you Rina. Russians are tired of being loners; they want to feel the pride and love that comes from feeling like they are all family. A family with the same 'Mother," She smiled turning on her side and resting her face against her fisted hand, propping herself up like Sydney and Irina felt like they were closing in on her. "A 'Mother' who will take care of them, lead them, someone who will make them feel, as though they are apart of something greater then themselves again they are yearning for it."
Irina didn't respond only looked down to Lena's hand who, was holding onto her finger tightly in her sleep.
"If I allow myself to think about it," Irina ran her thumb over the tiny fingers around her forefinger. "Honestly, Iit terrifies the hell out of me."
Sydney blinked in shock. She hadn't known her mother to be 'terrified' of much, if anything. Neither did Katya.
"Why Rina? Why does it terrify you?" Katya reached her hand over and placed it lightly on Irina's forearm. "You are already the leader."
"Yes. But I am 'behind the scenes.' No one knew who I was or what I was doing. Less pressure without millions of eyes on you watching your every move. With Vladimir as the official leader, I can still keep my private life." She looked up finally, meeting Katya's eyes. "And think what that would mean for your life, and Sergei's and Sophia's." She turned her eyes to Sydney, "And what that would mean for you life and your father, for Lena and now Vaughn. A whole lot of responsibilities and demands come with being a member of a ruling Royal Family."
"Your choices in life become limited. If I am behind the scenes, I am the only one that's life is affected, not my families'. Your father, you and Vaughn would all for certain, have to leave the CIA. You can't work intelligence for one country and be the ruling royalty of another." She raised her eyebrow stressing her point.
"I'm leaving the CIA as soon as we get Sloane and Cuvee." Sydney responded quietly and saw the flicker of surprise in Irina's eyes, "I'm sure Dad will too. He's only there because I am and Vaughn too. We want to finish what we started with Sloane and of course, find Cuvee and make him pay then we're done. So that makes no difference."
"Your every move will be followed and photographed, documented. You won't have much of a private life." Irina raised another point; still internally thrilled to hear her daughter say for certain that once they had the Sloane and Cuvee she was leaving this dangerous life.
"I don't have a 'private' life now. The CIA follows me, documents everything I do so that won't be a hard adjustment." Sydney bounced back at her, trying to dissolve Irina's rebuttals and get to the real truth of why she didn't want to be the official ruler of Russia.
"And I agree with Sydney." Katya smiled seeing what her niece was doing, "It wouldn't be that hard of an adjustment for me or the children either. I have been photographed and had my private life invaded since birth. We both did as our mother's daughters." She challenged Irina with her look and one eyebrow narrowed.
"Sophia as a model too, is used to being in the public eye, having her photograph taken. I really don't think she'd mind," Katya laughed at how attention hungry her daughter was, "And Sergei certainly wouldn't mind. He has always gone with the flow of things. My family wouldn't be as affected as yours, you know as the 'spare' mostly reaping the perks from it," she laughed smiling. "Its the 'heir' and her family as the direct descendents, that the majority of the responsibility and sacrifices fall upon. That is why this is up to you, Rina."
"Sydney is the Tsarevicha Katya, don't you see?" Irina looked expectantly at her sister, stressing her words, "She wasn't raised to be the next ruler of Russia. She was raised as an American, who became a spy working for the CIA of the United States of America. I don't see how that could work exactly to have an American spy take over as the ruler of Russia? It just won't work…I'm sorry Sweetheart." She looked over quickly to Sydney finding her hand and squeezing it with apologetic eyes, hoping she didn't just crush her daughter anymore, but it was the truth.
"Mom," Sydney smiled softly seeing how concerned her mother was at the possibility of hurting Sydney's feelings with what she said, "Don't apologize my feelings aren't hurt." She laughed and returned the hand squeeze. "I've already thought about that and I agree with you with for the same reasons. I wouldn't want to take over after you." She added softly, smiling shyly. "But, I've been thinking about it, more in the last couple of days and especially after last night that…it makes sense for Lena to take over after you and before you interrupt," She smiled holding her hand up seeing Irina's shocked face about to say something, "Hear me out. Please?" Seeing her mother nod she continued, smiling, as she looked at the tiny baby asleep on Irina's chest, "I believe that Lena has a bigger purpose in this world. If you think about, all that she survived to get here and how miraculous that all was. All of what she represents to our family, how she brought us all back together, our second chance." Sydney smiled softly, "When the priest was talking about the baby Jesus last night and referencing him with Lena during her baptism, I couldn't help but think how alike they really are. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Lena is equal to that of Jesus but to us, to Russia. She is in our own way, our little Savior. Jesus was conceived and born in the most unlikely of experiences and places, so was Lena." Her smile grew as she laughed softly. "You and Dad hadn't been together in what, twenty-one years as far as I know, unless there were other incidences I don't know about while you were in custody?" Her eyebrows furrowed as she gave Irina a stern suggestive look, teasing her.
"No, there were no other 'incidences." Irina laughed, stressing Sydney's use of 'incidences' when describing her parents' love life.
"Just checking," Sydney grinned smugly, "So, the night she was conceived was the first night you two were together after all that time apart. That alone was a highly unlikely miracle, an immaculate conception. She was born in one of the most 'unlikely places' I've ever heard of: a CIA cell." She laughed thinking about that insane day of Lena's birth. "Her birth united so many people who were there that day and changed Kendall's entire perspective on you and believe me, that was no 'small' miracle!" Sydney laughed, as did Irina. "She was my powerful 'tool' of persuasion to get President Bush to meet with Putin and let's face it, without her I would not have been able to make such an impact on his conscience, to call Putin and give you a pardon." She cocked her eyebrow and shrugged with a smile, "She's the one that brought you out of the coma after your execution and back to the land of the living, with her strong little loving heart. Her presence in our lives," She paused, "Has completely changed our lives and for the better. Last night, she became the first Romanov to be baptized in an Orthodox church since Alexsei and the Revolution. You saw what that meant to the people; they were all moved to tears because they are finding hope for their future through her. For those couple of hours, her tiny presence united hundreds of people." Sydney smiled, leaning over to run the backs of her fingers of her sister's soft hair. "She's already got a lot going for her that would make her an excellent person to follow in your rather large shoes," She looked up smiling to her mother's eyes, knowing just how massive her mother's touch on Russia had been and would be in her lifetime. "For one, she's going to have you as her mother her whole life. You aren't going anywhere, Dad's not going anywhere. She'll have both parents and a 'fantastic' older sister," She laughed, "To guide her, take care of her, and most importantly…love her unconditionally all the time. If you are the Tsar, she'll grow up watching you…learning from you over the thirty years, however long your reign is. She'll be ready to take over, fill those big shoes, and walk in your footsteps. Since she will be so young when she takes over, she'll have a nice long reign as the ruler of Russia and in doing so, will be able to accomplish many things for a country that will be hers'…because she's going to be raised with such a strong Russian influence. I'll be your American daughter, she can be your Russian." Sydney smiled accentuating her accent as she'd said the entire thing in Russian. "I think it makes perfect sense. I think you were born for this, and so was she. After all, you are 'peace' and she is the 'light."
"I couldn't agree with you more Sydney." Katya smiled brightly, impressed with her niece as she'd been having some similar thoughts but Sydney had put them into excellent context.
Irina had listened intently to everything Sydney had been saying but she also couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for the baby in her arms if 'she' chose that path for her.
"Sydney, you make an excellent argument, but if I did this, if we decided that Lena would be the Tsarevicha, I would be taking away her choices in life, I'd be deciding her future." Irina shook her head at the thought, turning her intense gaze from the baby to Sydney, "You of all people know what its like to have your choices in life taken away from you. I don't want to do that to her. I don't want my choices for my own life affecting hers like they have yours. It wasn't fair to you to be thrust into espionage and it won't be fair to her to be in the limelight all the time growing up royal!"
"But think about it, Mom. She's already 'never' going to know a time when you 'weren't 'the Romanov' or the 'Empress of Russia' whether you take on the role officially or not." Sydney added softly, Katya nodding she agreed, and Irina looked defeated having not thought about that until just now.