Salem

I left Eamon's office and moved quickly through the estate...more quickly than I should have. I all but raced up the stairs, and paid for it when I reached the second floor. Fire raced up and down my back, shooting through my legs and sending me to my knees. I rested on them, arms crossed across my ribs as they ached with pounding fury that made my breath go shallow and become harsher and harsher as I struggled to breath past the pain. I shivered, remembering what had brought me to this point.

The feel of chains around my wrists, metal biting into my skin, Cauthrien spewing Loghain's rhetoric against me, trying to cut truth out of my body and read it in the blood that dripped on the floor. Fists, bruises, my body being destroyed on the whims of another. I wonder if I will ever know slumber free of nightmares.

Sorrow whispered through my thoughts, hurting my heart, burning it as it fought to beat.

How much of a burden will this be on Leliana. She left me in the Frostbacks. She left because she could not endure watching as I consistently ravaged my body, throwing myself on swords for all the world. What will she do now...when she sees the scars that remain, and knows that there will be more stamped on me by the end of this.

In my weakened state, I could not fight the images and thoughts that assailed me. I re-lived our argument in the Frostbacks, Leliana's accusations that were also truths, her soft admittance that she could no longer bear it. That our love was not strong enough to survive the burdens I carried.

Tears began flowing down my face, dripping on the floor, and my body shook and muscles spasmed with grief. Soft footsteps met my ears, but I could not stop crying, imagining a future in which I lost everything.

"Salem?" Wynne's voice reached my ears.

She rested her hand against my forehead, frowning when she saw my tears. I looked at her, helpless to stop weeping, feeling hope slip away sliver by precious sliver. Wynne offered me her hand and I took it, gasping as she helped me to my feet. Instead of wrapping her arm around my back, she tucked my elbow into her arm, supporting me.

"We need to get you into bed, now." she said as she began guiding me to her room.

"No." I protested, even though my voice was ragged. "No, please, Wynne, I...I cannot sleep. I do not want to dream I do not want to...I need...need to see...life. Need to...need to live."

I could see compassion bloom in Wynne's eyes. Acceding to my wishes, she led me into my room, past the bed and out, onto the balcony that overlooked the city streets. I gripped the stone railing, looking down. Wynne left my side, then reappeared moments later, carrying a chair. She brought it up behind me, rested her hand on my shoulder, and guided me into a sitting position. She rested against the balcony and scrutinzed me, watching as I wiped the remnants of tears from my face.

"Deep thoughts?" her musical, kind voice greeted my ears.

I stared into nothingness, the depths of my thoughts, fears, worries...my absolute dread of what the future might hold.

"Troubled thoughts." I answered, allowing myself to be honest with the senior enchanter.

Wynne knew the stakes. She knew me and Leliana well; loved us as she loved her students or, I imagined, as she would love her daughters. Only a mother could be as enduring and patient as she had been with me. Only a mother could repair the damage done to my body with a stern hand and a kind word.

The world will soon come to its end for me, be it through death or victory. I have no need to shield myself any longer. Not from those who have proven that they care. Not from those whom I have grown to love.

"Tell me how you are feeling." Wynne said, though I knew she spoke of the condition of my body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit.

"Fractured." I whispered. "Sundered. Split apart in so many ways and in so many places I am surprised to find all parts of me still...attached."

I could not bear to see the pity that would surely rest in Wynne's eyes. I turned my gaze to the streets of Denerim and frowned. I had always loathed those streets, the cloistered city air, the feeling of being swallowed alive by stone. I found my comfort in the wild places, surrounded by nature, away from the clamor of the "civilized" world.

A grim smile quirked my lips.

Yet another difference between Leliana and me. This is where she finds herself most at home. How many differences between us will be irreconcilable once this Blight is ended? Or will reconciliation even be a worry? I have come close to death so many times...and in truth once crossed that line. But to do so with finality, with no hope of coming back...am I afraid? I do not know.

"Tell me what is troubling you." Wynne sat beside me, placing her weathered hand on the top of my foot and looking down into the Denerim marketplace.

"Myriad matters." I attempted to sort out the chaos of my mind. "Foremost is the conversation I just had with the good arl."

"Oh?"

"He wishes to go before the Landsmeet and propose an alliance through marriage in order to gain support." I muttered, dark, still avoiding Wynne's eyes.

"Alistair and Anora?" Wynne questioned.

No. I bit the inside of my cheek. That grievous idea belonged to me.

"Not Alistair and Anora." I answered, sighing. "But Alistair and...me."

I at last looked down at the mage. Wynne pressed her lips together, considering the notion. I cringed inwardly as I waited for her words; waited for her to support Arl Eamon's claims in her rational frame of mind, to spell out for me the litany of reasons that I should forego my own desires and bend to the will of those older and wiser. For the good of Ferelden. For the good of Thedas.

The healer shook her head. "The very notion is preposterous."

The breath I did not know I had been holding rushed out in a sigh of relief. "I said as much." I replied, meeting Wynne's canny blue eyes.

"I hope you stated it emphatically." Wynne replied. "Eamon means well, of this I am certain, and the alliance he proposes would affect the situation in your favor, but it is will unwise. The arl does not know you as we do."

"And what is it that you know?" I asked, intrigued to know when her mind had changed.

Wynne smiled. "Do you remember what I said to you when your fledgling feelings for Leliana came to light?"

"Vividly." I laughed at the memory of her stern, yet caring condemnation.

She had taken me aside, and with flames inside her eyes, told me that I could not risk losing focus on the mission. That the Blight must take precedence over the desires of my heart...and my body. She had also informed me that Leliana's heart had been broken too many times for me to consider a cheap dalliance to ease the rigors of the fighting and the road. I had understood where her words came from. I had told her my intentions. We had left each other's presence with the matter unresolved, and had not spoken of it since.

The senior enchanter nodded. "I am not so old and set in my ways that I perceive myself to be accurate in all matters. I was wrong, Salem. I have witnessed and bear witness still to the fact that Leliana has not made you lose focus. If anything, you press forward in your mission with greater fervor because of the love you share. I know for a fact that had she not returned after leaving you in the Frostback mountains, we would have found you dead in Howe's dungeons. No person without something great to live for would have survived what you endured, Salem."

I nodded, meditating on the gravity of her words.

I feel for Leliana as my mother felt towards my father. She did not escape with me, even though she was given the opportunity. Without him, she knew she would be lost, adrift, dead of soul if not of body. When Leliana left me, I felt my soul begin to die.

"So very true." I worried my lower lip with my teeth, gazing to the skyline over the alienage.

Please be all right, dear heart. I hate that I cannot be there with you, guarding you as I should be, as I promised. Please, forgive me and come back to me.

Wynne rested a careful hand on my thigh. "You needn't worry, Salem." she comforted. "I am certain that Leliana will return, hale and hearty, as will the others. The Maker, it would seem, guides her fate."

"Even if her vision was untrue," I said, "she has been a godsend to me. You are right, Wynne. I would be dead a thousand times over had she not come with me. I cannot turn my back on such a love for...political strategy." I spat the last two words, unable to conquer my bitterness towards Eamon for even suggesting that I leave my love behind.

"Yet your brow still furrows."

I looked at the healer, setting my lips in a firm line. "If it seems we are to fail in the Landsmeet, if the bannorn retracts its support, or Anora betrays her word, I fear that Eamon will broach the idea without consultin gme. He is dogged in his determination to preserve Ferelden, and while his loyalty is reassuring, the man himself is not. I have already played Alistair as a pawn in this game...I realize now his taking umbrage at being so used."

Wynne nodded her understanding of my fears. "I see." she replied. "And will you speak of this potentiality to Leliana when she returns?"

"Of course." I said, even though I dreaded broaching the subject. "To do anything else would be cruel."

Wynne chuckled. "Then you are a far braver woman than I." she met my eyes. Her brows lowered and her lips turned down at the corners. "You look so tired, my dear."

She got to her feet and I heard her joints pop. She stretched, brief, and stood in front of me, tucking a finger under my chin and lifting my eyes to hers. Her frown deepened and she placed the back of her hand to my forehead once more. After a moment, her hand moved to my cheek, then her fingers to the pulse at my neck.

"Salem, I must insist that you rest. What with the recent emotional barrage and moving about, you are entirely too pale, your skin is cold and clammy, and your pulse is racing. It is too soon to perform more healing spells, and you cannot risk a relapse. I know that Leliana would prefer to see you in a better state than she left you."

"Certainly." I answered, Wynne's words making me aware of how truly awful I felt.

The senior enchanter extended her hand once again. I grasped it and she helped me to my feet. It took a moment to gain my balance and a wave of dizziness threatened to make me lose my balance. Wynne shored me up and I leaned against her as she guided me back to the room and the bed.

"I will need to remove your shirt, Salem." Wynne said. "I need to check the wounds on your back and change your bandages."

Wynne moved to my front and unlaced my shirt, lifting my arms as gently as possible and extricating them from the sleeves. I shivered, even though the room was warm, and Wynne frowned. She set my shirt aside and moved around to my back.

"You poor dear." Wynne murmured. "You must be hurting more than you know. There is quite a bit of blood on your bandages. Your movement must have reopened some of the deeper lacerations. Lie down."

Obedient, I moved onto the bed and lay on my stomach, listening to Wynne rifling through her pack, the sounds of pouring water, then footsteps.

"Salem." she brought my attention to her and pressed a cup into my hand. "Drink this. It is burdock root, mullein leaves, and goldenseal. It will help your body restore the blood you have lost."

I lifted my head and drained the tonic, lowering my head to the pillow and wincing as Wynne's deft hands began to remove the bandages. I knew that she tried to cause as little discomfort as possible, but some of the blood had dried, and I bit my lip as the cloth pulled away from the skin.

"Close your eyes and try to rest, Salem." Wynne counseled. "You need to regain your strength."

"But...Leliana..."

"If you are sleeping when they arrive, be assured that I will wake you immediately."

"Thank you, Wynne."

I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of Wynne's hands on my back as she cleaned the blood away from my skin and tended to the horrific monstrosity of the pulped flesh of my back. I did not think that I would sleep, but the dull pain became a lullaby and I fell forward into slumber.