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37. Swing on the playground
Dean breathed a sigh of relief. After almost an hour of searching, he'd finally found Cas sitting on the lone swing at the local park and he approached his angel, whose shoulders were slumped and head was bowed.
"I was worried about you, man," he said when he drew level with Cas. Cas didn't reply. "What's up, angel? You vanished for like two hours and then you came back and barely spoke to me before zapping out again. What the hell happened?"
Cas said nothing at first. Then he heaved a deep sigh, though he still didn't look at Dean.
"I was recalled," he said. "A rebellion had broken out between Heaven and several angels who shared Raphael's affiliations and ideas."
"And they just had to call you back? Why couldn't they handle it themselves?"
"It was a large rebellion, Dean. When I say a few angels, I mean close to a third of Heaven rebelled. Not to mention that I am the – what would you call it? Their poster boy. God has brought me back twice, so I 'must be doing something right'."
Cas snorted darkly.
"I had to kill so many of my siblings, Dean. After we banished Lucifer back to Hell and I remained with you, I vowed not to kill any of my brothers or sisters if I could help it. And – and now I was forced to kill so many angels. It was only two hours to you but in Heaven, it was so much longer."
Cas' shoulders began to shake.
"My hands are dripping in blood," he whispered. "And not just from this. The entire Apocalypse was my fault. If I hadn't let Sam out of the panic room so that he could kill Lilith…every life lost as a result of Lucifer's release is my fault. Dean, I'm covered in blood."
Dean's heart shattered at how broken Cas' voice was. He kneeled down in front of Cas and carefully lifted his angel's chin until he could see Cas' dull blue eyes.
"You listen to me, Cas," he said quietly but firmly, taking one of Cas' hands with his free one. "We forgave you for that Sam stuff ages ago. And it's not just your fault, okay?"
He hated to blame Cas at all but it was the only way Cas would take him seriously. If he absolved Cas of all the blame, the angel would stop listening and he wouldn't get through to him.
"It's my fault for being weak and breaking the first seal in Hell. It's Sam's fault for trusting Ruby and killing Lilith. It's Ruby's fault for messing with Sam's head and getting him to kill Lilith. It's Lucifer's fault for coming up with the whole plan. It's Azazel's fault for infecting Sam with the demon blood. It's the angels' fault for letting that crap happen. You fucked up but so did all of us, Cas. So stop blaming yourself for that!"
Cas' face remained blank.
"And you did what you had to do. Sam and I – we've killed so many people while trying to save them. I mean, I get it isn't the same thing but – y'know – you had to. Please, man, quit beating yourself up over it. They would've killed you if you hadn't killed them."
Cas still didn't look convinced. Though he hated to do so, Dean pulled out his trump card.
"What if they'd won, Cas? You know the first thing they'd do is come after me and Sam. And I dunno about you but if I was in your position, I'd rip them to pieces before they even had a chance to look at you. So if you think about it, angel, you saved me."
He nearly gagged at the typical 'damsel in distress' thing but it did the trick: a fire seemed to suddenly ignite in Cas' eyes, brightening the dull blue.
"I would utterly destroy anybody who dared to touch you, Dean. If they had come after you, I would have done far more than kill them."
"Y'see? You stopped them from wrecking the world again and from getting to me and Sam. You didn't wake up and suddenly decide to ice them all."
Raising himself on his haunches, he placed one hand on the back of Cas' neck and used the other to cup his angel's cheek and draw him in for a gentle kiss.
"You're amazing, angel," he murmured, resting his forehead against Cas'. "Seriously. You keep complaining that I can't see how awesome I am like you can but you never stop to think that maybe – just maybe – you do the exact same. And it drives me insane because dammit, Cas, you deserve so much! You deserve to have a father who gives a damn and a family that doesn't want to kill each other every other week and a boyfriend who can actually tell you that – that –"
"Stop right there, Dean," Cas said firmly. "I know that you love me. Don't ever feel ashamed that you can't say it. And I love you too. I'm sorry for causing you this distress."
"Don't apologise. Don't you dare apologise for being the best damn angel out of the lot. You think those other douchebags would grieve like this? You think they'd care about humanity and Earth if God hadn't brought you back? They're only stopping another Apocalypse because we threw Michael and Lucifer into Hell and God brought you back twice, so they think this is what He wants. There's a reason I like you and not those others, Cas. Just remember that."
Cas gave him a soft smile and leaned forward for another kiss. Dean closed his eyes and when Cas let out a small, content noise into the kiss, he shivered and resisted the urge to press closer and deepen it. Instead, he broke away and stood up.
"I know what'll cheer you up," he said to a puzzled-looking Cas. "I did this to Sam all the time as a kid when he was upset."
He positioned himself behind Cas and grabbed his angel's waist. After taking a moment to gently run his hands up and down, relishing in the feel of his lover's warm body under his fingers, he stepped back, pulling Cas and the swing with him. Then he let go.
"Dean, what is the purpose of this?" Cas said in confusion as he swung away from Dean and then back. Dean grinned and planted his hands on Cas' back to give him a stronger push.
"It's fun. Sammy used to love swinging. Apparently, it's like flying."
"It's nothing like flying." But that didn't stop a small laugh from escaping his mouth as he swung higher and Dean's grin widened. Mission accomplished.