The whole situation had become ridiculous, at least in her mind. With every passing day the guilt seemed to build and build. It wasn't that she'd even done anything wrong - at least she hoped desperately that she hadn't. She just couldn't rid herself of the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about it.

On this cold November morning she could barely sit in Diane's office across him - Brian that was - their overly eager senior associate. Whenever he entered the room these days she felt as though the air was being sucked right out of it. This had to end. She kept losing her focus because of the stream of thoughts that continued to assault her mind.

She told herself over and over as the meeting continued that she was being paranoid, thinking she'd get caught by Will for something that only seemed to exist in her mind. But that made it all the more troubling. Will had become her rock, her solid foundation, and yet the thoughts that crossed her mind meant she'd betrayed him, and it made her absolutely ill.

She hoped desperately that it was only the stress that had piled on in recent weeks since the hearing decision that had caused her mind to go seemingly crazy. Over the past few days she'd found herself scrutinizing every single little thing that happened at work. She didn't want to screw up. She didn't want for there to be any reason for her colleagues to doubt her abilities. But it wasn't really worrying about all of her colleagues' doubts that bothered her.

She hadn't paid much attention to Brian's behavior in the previous months. There had been the few days while Will was out sick where Brian had seemed overly eager to help her out, but she'd simply chopped that up to his desire to look good so they would consider his partnership the following year.

However, ever since the dreams had started a few weeks back, she'd begun to notice more and more his behavior around her, very friendly, eager to offer up his support of her studying for the bar exam. Stopping by her office first thing in the morning, and just before he left at night, to see if she needed him to do any more work on the case he was working on with she and Diane. Whenever they were in the same room together sometimes she felt like he had no boundaries for personal space, Maybe he was just a very friendly guy, maybe it was exactly what Will had said, that he was trying to make a good impression.

The other possibility haunted her, and had prevented her from reading any of her journal entries from the previous year. She hadn't told Will about the dreams, or flashes of memories. She didn't know if they were real or not. She hadn't kept everything from Will. She'd had a few memories of he and the kids come to mind in recent weeks, and he'd confirmed that those events had indeed happened. This should have been good news, lifted her spirits, but it only unsettled her more. That meant there was a good chance the thoughts she hadn't shared with him were also real.

When her meeting with Brian and Diane ended, she remained in her seat to jot down a few notes.

"Alicia, can we go over the deposition recordings this afternoon? Maybe around two?" Brian asked.

She glanced up at him. "Yes. But you and Kim should start without me. I have a few things I need to get done first."

"Okay, yeah, sure," he hesitated, glancing at Diane who was finishing up her own notes, and not paying much attention. "Also, I found some information I thought might be helpful for your studying. I could bring it by your office later if you want?"

"Okay, thank you." She looked back down at her legal pad, but she could sense his eyes on her. "Was there something else?" she said, gathering up her things.

"No, nothing else." He turned and exited Diane's office.

Her eyes remained fixed on him until he rounded the corner at the end of the hall.

"Alicia," Diane said, for the third time.

"Yes, sorry, what?"

Diane repeated her question.

"Yes, I can get to that this afternoon," Alicia replied. She turned her attention to Diane. "What do you think of him?"

"Who Brian?" Diane said.

"Yes"

The older woman sat back in her chair, pen in hand. "He's a good lawyer. He knows his stuff. He's been a real asset to the firm since we brought him on."

"How long has he worked here?"

Diane had to think for a moment. "Three or four years now, I think. Why?"

"Just curious." The appearance of Will walking down the hall towards them now caught Alicia's attention. "If you're not busy later, I wouldn't mind some company while the men are out tonight," she said, her eyes fixed on Will. "I can't promise anything too exciting, but I'd be happy to pull out a good bottle of wine once the kids are in bed."

Diane laughed under her breath. "That sounds like enough excitement for me. I'll come over around eight."

Alicia glanced back at Diane. "Okay, good." She stood to go meet Will just outside his office. She needed a break, and was hopeful he'd have time to get some lunch with her, even if she wasn't all that hungry.

/

Once the kids had gone to bed, Alicia and Diane sat in the quiet family room talking. "Alicia, has something been bothering you today?" Diane asked. She'd noticed more than once during the day that Alicia had seemed preoccupied with something.

Alicia took a long sip of her drink, before meeting Diane's gaze. "How much do you know about what was going on between Will and I before my accident?" she asked.

The question caught Diane somewhat off guard. "Has Will talked to you about it?"

"Yes, some, a few weeks ago."

Diane relaxed a bit at hearing this. "I don't think I know anything other than what Will would have told you. I didn't know anything was going on between you two until after the accident."

Alicia sighed, placing her drink on the coffee table. "So you don't know if I cheated on him or not?" She looked across the room at the wedding photo of she and Will on the fireplace mantle.

Diane leaned forward placing her own glass on the coffee table. "I thought Will had figured out that you hadn't. He confronted Peter about it, and Peter denied it." Alicia even bringing this up was beginning to concern her.

Alicia looked down at her hands, biting her lower lip.

"What's going on Alicia?"

Alicia wiped at the few tears that had fled her eyes suddenly, and inhaled. "It's probably nothing. Just stress." Her eyes met Diane's again. "I keep having these...dreams, or memories. It's always the same. Will and I are arguing at work. That's the thing that seems to always change, what we're arguing about. But you know how dreams can be. The conversations don't always make a whole lot of sense. But then the dream changes and it seems like a whole new day. I'm standing by the bookcase in my office looking for something." She pauses, her gaze moving back to the photo of her and Will. If she didn't trust Diane so much she never would have brought this up. But she needs some advice. She doesn't know what to do, and the last thing she wants is to hurt Will unnecessarily if she's made all of it up in her head.

She continues. "While I'm standing there someone comes up behind me, wraps their arms around my waist. I think it's Will, so I turn to face him and..." She inhales in an attempt to keep her emotions under control. But it's impossible. A few more tears fall from her eyes. "It's not Will and...he kisses me. For a few moments I feel like there's nothing else in the whole world I want. I let the kiss linger."

She looks back at Diane, agony completely filling her eyes. "But then his hands move to my jacket, and he tries to slip it off my shoulders, and I pull away from him. I tell him we shouldn't be doing this, that it's not right. That it was just a moment of weakness. He looks surprised, but turns and leaves my office." She wraps her arms tightly over her chest as if that will make her feel more secure, but it doesn't.

"Do you know who this other man is?"

She nods. "Brian"

Diane looks away for a moment. "Alicia, it's probably just your mind playing tricks on you. You've spent a lot of time with Brian in the past few weeks. I don't think it means anything. Everyone has dreams like these sometimes. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, or that you love Will any less."

"But what if it's not just a dream?" she said, desperately. "What if it's a memory and it really happened? What if I did have an affair? What if Will's accusations were all right and it wasn't Peter, but Brian I slept with? What will happen if we find out it is true after everything we've been through in the past months? How will we ever move past that?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry for bringing you into this, but I don't know what to do. I can't just walk into Brian's office and ask if we had an affair. And I can't just admit to Will that I've been dreaming about other men kissing me. Even the thought makes me nauseous. I don't want to hurt him like that!"

"I don't think you're giving him enough credit Alicia. And nothing you've just said means you had an affair. It was a kiss, and you ended it, right?"

"Yes,"

"I don't think you need to tell Will. It sounds like a dream to me. And if for some reason you find out it was true, that he kissed you, or you kissed him, just tell Will. He knows you were struggling mentally during that time, and it was one kiss. It might make him uncomfortable, it might bother him for a few days, but it's forgivable."

"Is it?" she shot back. "How would you feel if Kurt came home one night and told you that one of his co-workers had kissed him?"

"I'm not saying I wouldn't question it. I would. I would wonder what he'd been doing that would make his co-worker think she could kiss him. I'd be hurt. But it would be far better than the alternative, and I'd be glad he was honest with me, instead of trying to keep it a secret." She reached her hand out placing it on Alicia's wrist. "But until you have something solid to back up this dream of yours, I don't think there's any point in telling Will."

Alicia let out a tiny sigh of relief. "You're probably right. I just can't get those images out of my mind, and the feeling of guilt that comes with them."

"It's probably just stress. It will be good for all of you to get away next week. I bet after a few days with Will's sisters, Brian will be the last thing on your mind," she chuckled.

Alicia laughed lightly picking her wine glass back up. "If they get to be too much, I can probably fake a headache and disappear into a bedroom for awhile."

The two women chatted for some time before Diane got a message from Kurt saying he was on his way home. After she left Alicia sat on the couch mindlessly flipping through television channels in an attempt to keep her mind occupied until Will got home. She looked at her watch for the millionth time sighing and decided to go to bed. As she turned out the light in the kitchen the sound of the garage door going up filtered into the house.

She was glad he was home. She didn't even let him remove his coat before she captured him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck when he walked into the house. Inhaling the faint scent of his cologne, she buried her head against his shoulder.

His arms wrapped firmly around her. "Everything okay?" He didn't mind the affection, but the way she seemed to be allowing her full weight fall against him, made him wonder if something was wrong.

She held him there, not meeting his gaze. "Yes. I just missed you. I'm glad you're home."

He wasn't completely convinced of her words as they stood there quietly in each others arms for a few moments before she finally pulled away and they headed for bed.

Hours later Will woke up and watched her for a few minutes. He wondered what it was she was dreaming about that was causing such a fitful sleep. This hadn't been the first time in recent weeks where he'd woken from the restless movement next to him. He wondered if the outcome from her disciplinary hearing was bothering her more than she was letting on. He was tempted to wake her, but decided against it, turning the other way in an attempt to fall back asleep.

Alicia's dream continued.

- It was late, and cold outside. Early January, the dead of winter, a miserable time of year, she thought to herself as she stepped out of her office. She briefly glanced around to see if anyone was still working at this late hour before she stormed into Will's office. Startled he looked up from his desk as the door closed loudly behind her.

"So this is what things have come to, you flirting with young associates! Did you really think I wouldn't notice?" she said angrily, hands on her hips, glaring at him.

He held her gaze with a look as though he was at a loss for words. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Andrea, tonight in the conference room. It was as plain as day the flirting that was going on between you two."

He sighed heavily. "I don't know what you think you saw, or heard, but it wasn't flirting. We have a good strategy for court tomorrow. We were discussing it, that's all."

She rolled her eyes which he didn't appreciate, so he got up from his desk to stand in front of her.

"You really expect me to believe that?" she said.

"Yes! You of all people you should know what flirting looks like. You're the one who cheated, not me!" he shot back.

"Are you really going to bring that up again after two months? How many times do I have to tell you I didn't cheat? Do you really hold so little trust in me that you think I'd sleep with another man?" The idea stung right through her, just like it had when he'd accused her of an affair the first time. Her eyes filled with hurt, but he didn't seem to care.

"Is it still going on?" he accused.

The accusation made her furious. "No! There never WAS anything going on!"

"Really? Because you never want to talk to me anymore! You barely let me touch you! Alicia, we haven't slept together in nearly three months. What else am I supposed to think?"

Her features turned cold. "Is that what this is about? Sex?" She rolled her eyes, laughing spitefully under her breath. "Is that what you want? Is that what it will take to prove to you that I'm not, and never have cheated? Because if that's it, then let's just do it right now!"

Her hands moved to undo the buttons of her blazer, as she stepped closer to him. "It won't mean anything right? It's just sex? And if that will take your male ego down fifteen notches, then we should do it!" Buttons all undone, she went to slip the blazer off her shoulders. But he grabbed her arms pulling her close to him.

"Stop it," he said, a little more calmly.

She pulled away from his grasp. "Why? I'm not good enough for you anymore? I can't turn you on the way that tall blonde can?"

His hands moved over his face in frustration. "Alicia, this is crazy talk! Will you listen to yourself?"

"This isn't my fault Will! This, this, thing we're in. You're the one accusing me of cheating. You're the one who doesn't trust me anymore. You know what I think? I think you're tired of me. You don't want me anymore, and it's easier to throw away our marriage if you believe I've had an affair."

"That isn't true! I'm not the one throwing our marriage away. You haven't shown me one shred of evidence to prove you haven't cheated."

She shook her head. A thin line crossed her lips. "Why is giving you my word, not evidence enough? And when did our marriage become one of your cases? You want evidence? Do you want a print out of my schedule, and all of the work I've done in the past three months? When would I have had time for an affair? Between managing OUR children, and working here alongside you and Diane eighty hours a week, I barely had time to sleep. Let alone sneak away for one hour rendezvous' with some made up lover!"

"Our marriage is not one of my cases! And I can think of plenty of times in the past few months where you chose to stay here instead of going home when I did. All the late nights, it isn't fair to Grace and Zach."

"Don't you dare bring them into this! I'm not the only one working late nights."

She bit her lip turning away from him. She was so hurt, so lonely, and yet so angry. But she wasn't about to let him see she was near tears. She thought after so many weeks of distance between them, that it would change, and that they'd find some way to reconcile things. But here he was accusing her of an affair all over again. She'd watched him closely the past few days. The smile, the flirty little laugh, and the look in his eye she could recognize a mile away when the tall, thin, blonde associate was in his presence. She felt hopeless, absolutely hopeless.

She sensed him stepping closer. In a matter of seconds she knew he'd reach out his hand and try to touch her.

"Alicia," he said, calmly. She stepped away, and didn't look back. "We need to,"

She cut him off. "No, don't say anything. I hear you loud and clear. You don't believe me. If your behavior around Andrea the past week was meant to get back at me, or hurt me because you think I deserve it, then you should know it worked."

She couldn't hold back the defeated tone in her voice as she stepped towards the door. "I'm going home now. Don't forget that we're meeting with Grace's teacher after school tomorrow."

She refused to glance back at him, she couldn't bare it. She didn't want to see one more time the look of disappointment, mistrust, and anger that had been burned into her mind over the past weeks. She'd tried to deny it for weeks now, but somehow she felt in that moment that he didn't love her anymore. Everything they'd had was lost, and it shattered her into a million pieces. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stepped back into her own office.-

Hearing her soft whimpers caused Will to roll back over in bed. "Alicia, wake up." He shook her gently to rouse her from sleep.

Her wet eyes opened darting around the room until finally resting on Will.

"You were crying. What's wrong?" he said, running his hand soothingly over her arm.

She sat up trying to wake her body some more. Reaching he hand to her face she felt the tears. He sat up next to her wrapping his arm across her back.

After taking a few deep breaths, she looked into his concerned eyes. "Had you given up on us? Last year I mean, when things were bad between us. Did you stop loving me? Did you want out of the marriage?"

"What?" he was thoroughly confused.

"Had you fallen out of love with me?"

His eyes narrowed, taking her hand into his. "What were you dreaming about?"

"We were having an argument, and when it was over I felt like you didn't love me anymore."

He looked down at their hands running his thumb over hers. "Things were bad between us during that time." His gaze met hers again. "But I never stopped loving you. I never wanted for our marriage to end."

Tears spilled from her eyes. He reached his hand to her face to brush them away. "Leesh, it was a bad dream."

"I don't think it was just a dream Will. I believe what you just said. But the argument was awful. I've been having dreams like this for a few weeks now, but none as bad as this. I need to know exactly what happened during that time so I can figure out what is real and what isn't in this mess spinning around in my head. I've been avoiding having us read through my journal together because I've been afraid of what might be in there. But I need to know the truth." She took in a few deep breaths to help calm herself again.

"Okay. Let's start going through it tomorrow night."

She nodded. "Okay"

"Do you need anything? Some water?" he asked.

"No. Will you just hold me? It'll help me feel more secure."

A loving smile crossed his lips. "I can definitely do that," he said, wrapping his arm tightly around her, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. They settled under the soft bed covering together once again. He held her close long after she'd fallen back asleep.

A/N; Thank you all for reading! In case any of you are wondering, the fight Alicia dreamt about was a memory, and did really happen. I know it's mean, but I'm going to keep you all guessing on the affair. Many of you have asked when Alicia and Will are going to read through her journal entries from that difficult time. It's coming up next chapter.