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The Light in the Darkness

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
I Grieve - Peter Gabriel

At some point during the tumult of tears, I had been dragged into oblivion with the darkness. The emotional breakdown I had known was coming had taken a hold of me more violently after my epiphany. I was aware of the cold droplets of rain falling on me now, but my stiff and aching body refused to move.

I was frozen in place, my arms and body, contorted around my legs as I lay above my dad. Even with the emotional breakdown, and the confusion of all of these years, I had woken up knowing exactly where I was. It was as though he'd been watching over me as I slept. I was so close to him I could almost feel the ease he'd always brought me.

Even in this state, in this place, he comforted me, and somewhere along the way I had lost sight of that. I could let it defeat me, or I could stick to the plan and choose to live, I could choose to find the only other person in the world that ever made me feel this safe. I could go back to Jasper and let him know exactly what I wanted, exactly how I felt.

My stiff body screamed as I tried to even myself out, and I gave up as my limbs refused to acquiesce to my request. It took entirely too much effort to even move my toes right now. My eyes were still swollen and sore from the crying, I longed to rub them gently but I couldn't move my hands so I pushed it aside. I had let the emotions pour from me, I didn't fight it as it had swallowed me whole. I let it take me, I let it drag me under. Now I was ready to fight.

For a while, I had forgotten who I was and where I had come from. I had let myself become twisted into an unrecognizable shell of the person I had once known I was. Being here had reminded me just how much of my dad I had in me, and I wouldn't let that go again.

I let the silence and darkness swallow me as I shivered slightly in the cool weather that surrounded me. The cold had made the ache in my body worse, but it was less than I deserved right now.

I recycled my own body heat in my frozen state, and through the slight numbness and fatigue I still wasn't able to stretch my frame out as I was beginning to wish I could. Even when the rain started coming down a little harder and the sound reverberated around the silent graveyard, I didn't move at all. At least not until I heard a rustling behind the shrubbery bordering another row of headstones.

My heart picked up it's pace as I let myself think about where I was and what I was doing. I had broken into the cemetery, but that was the least of my problems right now. Something was here with me, moving around in the darkness.

I opened my eyes to see if I could see anything, my head didn't move, it wouldn't, but my eyes followed the glow of light in the other side of the hedgerow, the beam moved around quickly, hitting a wind-chime in the tree sending light bouncing around the darkened area.

I knew I should attempt to move, attempt to hide from whoever was here, but I couldn't find it in myself to do it. Even after I had made up my mind to try, my body was too tired to allow even the smallest of movements right now. I was tired, and I wasn't willing to leave the solace and safety of being this close to Dad to run. I hadn't said goodbye. I wouldn't leave him again without a proper goodbye, so I stayed where I was. An odd feeling of calm embracing me.

I could feel my apprehension at the slight conflict between the calm and self preservation building a light sheen of sweat on my forehead as the beam reached the end of the greenery. It ghosted along a row of granite before turning towards me.

I watched as it ran along the headstones, one by one, footsteps made a squelching sound in the wet grass as it moved along with the light, it grew closer and closer to me, and it would only be a matter of time before it hit me completely.

I moved my arms slowly, unsure that I had moved them at all, except for the fact that my head descended towards the grass, my ear pressing tightly to the ground.

"I love you, dad. I will never lose sight again, I promise," I whispered under my breath, my fingers curling around the blades of slick grass. "Goodbye for now."

The white light flooded my entire body, the beam made a red light below my eyelids as I blinked slowly. My fear pushed a shiver through my body as the sound of a gasp cut through the silence. It seemed as though the last of my mobility bled from my body in that one moment.

"Bella, honey?" Alice whispered quietly. I could hear her moving closer, but I couldn't react. I involuntarily stayed frozen to the spot, my body shaking as the familiarity of the voice made my mind swirl.

"Edward, she's not waking up."

My heart sank as quickly as it had fluttered to the surface. Why I had assumed Jasper would come looking for me after everything I had put him through, I didn't know. He was justified in not being here. I had broken him, much like Renee had broken Charlie, and I hated myself for it.

I felt warm arms wedge themselves under my knees and at my back, but I still couldn't force myself to move. My body was still frozen, curled into a ball of defeat. I wanted to call out in happiness at seeing Alice, I wanted to thank Edward for his concern, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't make myself move.

"I think she's in shock. You'd better call the others, tell them to meet us back at the car."

Was I in shock? Had I pushed myself too far too quickly?

I tried to tell my fingers to move, but they stayed frozen, locked in a ball. My fingernails stabbing into my palms. I assumed it should be painful, but I felt oddly numb, only the warmth of Edward's arms seemed to seep into my body, it was the only recognition I had that he was even holding me.

I could see everything, but couldn't will my eyes to move. I could only stare straight ahead, the top of Alice's head coming into view as she walked beside us. I was aware of the warmth that filled my cheek, but couldn't feel the chest below it.

I concentrated on my hands, once again willing them to move, but there was still nothing, still the same ball of tension they had been. I knew I was scaring Alice, but there was nothing I could do to change that, so I continued to focus on finding my movements again.

"We found her, we'll meet you back at the car . . ." Alice said into the phone, pausing for a reply. "I don't know."

Alice hung up the phone and sighed, her tiny hand must have picked up mine because the swimming warmth circulated around my fist and moved slowly up my arm. I tried to concentrate on the warmth and move my fingers in response, but nothing worked. I was still frozen.

"Edward, what do we do? It's like she's catatonic."

"I don't know, Al. Let's get her back to the car and warmed up, see if that changes anything."

I counted the footsteps he took towards the car, my eyes catching the beam of light as it sporadically cast shadows around us. Alice continually caught my eyes, her tiny arm waving in front of my face to see whether I would react, but I was incapable, I couldn't even manage to blink.

I really couldn't understand my body's reluctance to react, had I not just moved to say goodbye to Charlie? Had I imagined the movement? There was an unnerving calm that ran alongside the numbness, I wanted to panic, but couldn't seem to find the ability to do that either.

Was this how shock was? Was it being stuck in your own mind while your body revolted?

Whatever it was, I didn't like it at all. I wanted to hold my friends, I wanted to step out of Edward's arms and tell him the truth, tell him how happy I was for him that Kate was back for him, that she'd never stopped loving him, just as I had never once stopped loving Jasper. That I knew he'd never stopped loving her.

We'd done so many things the wrong way, but I never regretted one step of it. If I hadn't have made the mistake with Edward, I would have taken my feelings for Jasper for granted. Now, after all this time, after everything we'd been through, I knew if Jasper offered his love I would grip it with both hands and cherish it, I would never let it go. I would never run from him again without fighting for us.

I heard a car door opening in front of us, but still couldn't force my head to look around at it. Quite frankly, I was becoming frustrated with myself. I had so much to say and do, but my own body was holding me captive.

Heat encapsulated me as Edward shuffled into the back of the vehicle awkwardly; my contorted body still hadn't moved since he'd picked me up, and my curled frame was now being enveloped by his arms.

"Bella, say something, please, you're worrying me."

Edward's warm breath danced over my cool cheeks, his arms tightened around me sending more heat throughout my body. It was such a bizarre feeling the warmth rolling across my skin yet not feeling the source. I was also highly frustrated with my body, because I longed to answer him. For now, I had to make do; so I answered him in my mind, willing my lips to move, but they didn't.

"Alice, I think we need to take her to the hospital. She hasn't even blinked once."

"We'll take her to Carlisle, Edward. She trusts him."

"He's too far away, something needs to be done now," Edward said, concern lacing his tone.

I could hear footsteps pounding the concrete in the distance and wondered whether Jacob was panicked about Alice. I'm sure he hated being split up from her, and I briefly wonder why she was teamed with Edward. I tried to move my eyes towards the sound, but there was nothing, not even a twitch.

"Bella," Jasper said, his voice catching me off guard. I couldn't have been more exultant, and when he appeared in my line of sight, I almost expected my body to react. I could feel the same electricity flow through my body as his hands gripped my face tightly. His eyes were wide and full of panic as they swept over me in a three second assessment. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but my body had other ideas.

"What's the matter with her?" he asked. His eyes darting from mine to Edward, then to Alice.

"I don't know, I think she's in shock."

"From what?"

The silence was filled with sarcasm. I hated that there was still this rift between them, that they still found the need to be discourteous to one another.

"You know what I mean, Masen, is she hurt? Was there anyone around?"

"No, Jasper," Alice interjected, I could see her hand touching his arm in my line of sight. "She was curled up on her dad's grave, soaking wet and well, just like this. She hasn't moved or said a word since we found her."

I drank in Jasper's face as he looked me over again, there was so much concern and fear laced into the blue I knew so well. I wanted to reassure him, I wanted to reach out and run my fingers along his jaw and tell him everything I had just discovered. Silence hung in the air again as he stared into my unblinking eyes. In the quiet, I could sense someone else outside of the car, but couldn't see a thing.

"Let me see her."

My heart cracked a little as the new voice mingled with the faces surrounding me. I should have known they would go to him, that they would expect me to go to them. Brian's voice was as filled with concern as each of my friends, and it did nothing but stir a deep seeded guilt within me.

It was only seconds until I saw the face that matched the voice and the pain I had been suspecting was worse than I had imagined. Something shifted roughly in my body as I took in his tired eyes.

"We need to take her to the hospital. I know you think she'll be okay until you get to Forks, but I can't, in good conscience, let you go while she's like this."

My hands fell open at the words, my eyes then widened and blinked surprising myself as well as everyone else. My body seemed to react freeing me from my frozen state, I pushed myself to say what I needed to, and the words broke through my lips. "N n no hospitals, please."

Brian's arms wrapped me in a hug as he pulled me into his chest. A relieved chuckle falling from him as he gripped me tightly. I could do nothing but breathe in deep breaths as the relief swept over me.

"You always were the most stubborn creature I ever knew," he sighed, kissing the top of my head.

"I'm sorry, I just . . ." I wasn't sure how to finish that sentence, I wasn't even sure why my body had reacted the way it had.

"We all need to grieve sometimes, it just took you a little longer."

My arms wrapped themselves around Brian, my fingers clinging to his shirt as my tears spilled over again. I knew I hadn't grieved before because I was too angry. Tonight, I had said my goodbye and made my peace with my dad's death. Perhaps it was the grief that had stolen my ability to move, held me captive in my own mind, because I had let the pain take me so completely. I had let it eat me alive and my body had needed the time to move past it.

Whatever it was, I was glad it was over, I was at ease finally being able to think of my dad as he had been. The tears I shed now were for the loss of a great man, not my own selfish needs.

"Debbie is plenty upset about that stunt you pulled young lady. That note you left didn't help either. You can't keep running from things, we would have found a way to keep you there, Bella. Debbie wanted me to find Renee . . ."

"No! I will not have that woman in my life."

"I told her the same thing, calm down," He said, holding me against his chest, tighter than he had been. "I know how you feel about her. Debs just doesn't want to see you on the streets anymore. It seems your friends here have a solution. I'm reluctant to let you go with them though."

"Sir, we . . ."

"I know, Jasper," Brian said, reluctance and defeat in his tone. "If this doesn't work out I expect you to call me, do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Jasper relied.

I looked at Jasper curiously, he was avoiding my eyes, and I could understand why. I was starting to think I had lost him altogether. I couldn't understand what had just passed between him and Brian though, and being held tightly against Brian's chest, I couldn't see his face to determine what was going on.

"I am trusting you with our Bella. I don't like it, and I would prefer to confirm everything before I let her go, but considering the hour, and the fact that she seems to trust you. I will wait until the morning. If you're lying to me, I will look you up in the system, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir." All three of my friends replied.

"Bella, you call me if you need anything, no more of this bullshit. Debbie expects a call in the morning."

"I'll call, I promise."

"You better, I'm not past hunting you down either."

I laughed and moved out of his arms. I could sense something else hanging in the air, and no one seemed to want to say it aloud. I was too tired to ask questions right then, and there were other matters I wanted to attend to first. So I let it go. I knew I would find out eventually, we had nothing but time on our hands.

"Love you, kid," Brian said, nodding at me. I knew he was silently asking me if I was alright, and all I could do was nod my ascent.

"Love you too, Brian."

I gave him one last hug before I climbed back into the truck, Edward had moved to the other side and left the space clear for me.

"I don't like this," Brian said again, glaring past me at Edward and then to Jasper. "It doesn't make me comfortable, but I am trusting you because I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I will be calling in the morning. You'd do well to remember that."

"Brian, it's fine. I trust them," I sighed.

"I don't!"

I rolled my eyes, before giving him a weak smile of reassurance.

"Call me," he said again, and I nodded as he pushed the door closed.

Edward sat next to me in silence as Jasper and Alice spoke with Brian some more. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't even know how to say thank you, especially when it was my fault we were all out in the middle of the night—in a graveyard no less.

I pulled my legs to my chest, laying my head on my knees as I looked out the window at Alice and Jasper as they seemingly said their goodbyes to Brian. I knew I was being rude; Edward and I hadn't spoken since Kate showed up at the football field. I owed him that much, I knew Edward well enough to know he was feeling just as conflicted as I had been.

"Edward," I whispered, my voice barely audible, even in the small space of the car. I turned my head to face him and was surprised to see his eyes light up a little.

"Bella, I'm so . . ."

I held up one of my hands, stopping the myriad of apologies before they started.

"Don't apologize, Edward. We can talk about this later."

He nodded and sat in silence again. I was collecting my thoughts, trying to find something to say. We would have to talk eventually, I would have to tell him what I had decided, what I had always known but chose to ignore. Now just didn't seem like the right time. We needed privacy; I needed time to tell him everything.

"How did you guys find Brian?"

"Jasper remembered his name and that he was a cop. After we drove around where you used to hang out, Jasper drove to the main Police Department downtown. We tried to get Brian's phone number from the desk sergeant, but he wouldn't give out personal information. Alice told him it was regarding his niece, but the guy wouldn't budge. When we got outside, one the officers followed us out, he said that Brian didn't have a niece, and asked if it was about you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, his name was Mark something."

I smiled, I remembered Mark, he had been with the unit for five years before Charlie had died. He was one of many guys that came and watched football at the house with us. He'd also been at the hearing when they'd determined what they were going to do with me.

"He called Brian from his cell phone, Jasper spoke to him for a little bit before he gave us his address. We all headed over there. Jasper rode with Brian when he said he might know where you were. So here we are. Brian pointed us in the direction of your dad's grave while they went and looked around the streets surrounding here. They figured you may wait until morning if you weren't in here. Everyone has been so worried about you."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't . . ."

The doors at the front of the car opened and Alice and Jasper climbed in. My head was still on my knees as I watched them, too afraid to even look at Alice, knowing how upset with me she would be. I had been stupid for running away. The tension filled the car with the silence that hung in the air like an anvil waiting to drop.

Jasper turned in his seat slightly so he could look at me. His eyes were filled with pain and concern, and all I wanted to do was crawl into his lap and never leave. I knew it wasn't something I could do just yet. I still had to speak to Edward, I had to talk to Jasper. I had to tell the truth, I had to tell them how I felt and let the chips fall where they may. If I was rejected, I would have to live with that, I couldn't keep running from my feelings.

"Bella, you better start talking soon," Alice said, pulling away from the cemetery.

My eyes flickered to the darkness once more as we moved, and I said another silent goodbye to my father, promising once again to come back and see him more often. I wouldn't leave him alone for that long again. I couldn't, forgiving him meant I still needed that link to him in my life; I needed a place that I could talk to him, even if there was never any response.

"What do you want to know, Alice?" I sighed, my eyes stilling on Jasper again.

"Where did you go? I thought you were with Jasper, Jasper thought you were with me, what happened?"

"I hitched."

"Dammit, Bella, are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"No, I just . . . I needed to get out of there. I was so . . . I can't explain it. The guy, well . . . I got away and called Brian. I overheard him and Debbie talking, and I couldn't let them risk everything for me so I left."

"Edit much?" Alice asked. I could hear the impatience in her voice. She wasn't trying to be cruel; I had upset her by leaving in the first place. Something I had said I wouldn't do.

"Lay off her, Alice. She's had enough to deal with. She doesn't need to relive that right now," Jasper said, his voice gentle

"I'm sorry, but my friend just said she got away, which implies she had something to get away from."

"Yes, but now isn't the time or place to talk about this. She hasn't slept in a while, she needs rest. Let her sleep and we can talk about it later," Edward said quietly. For once he and Jasper seemed to be on the same page.

I closed my eyes as the debate continued on, just listening to their voices going back and forth as they talked about what was best for me. It should have upset me, but I knew they were only trying to do the right thing. They were both right, I owed them all an explanation, but I really wasn't in the best state to rehash everything I had gone through in the last 48 hours.

It wasn't until their voices started raising that I finally stepped in.

"Guys, I will talk about this and tell you every detail, but I can't do this right now. I need to think. Being with my dad made me realize some things and I need to talk but I can't do it here and now, I'm sorry."

The car fell into a semi awkward silence. The air was thick and palpable as they each held in what they wanted to say in that moment. As much as I loved them all, things would have to change. I had made my decision to be who I always was, that I would stop letting the traits I had inherited from my mother overwhelm me. She was nothing but a surrogate, a woman who had carried me around for nine months with no emotional tie to me whatsoever.

With that realization, I realized I wanted nothing more than to talk to the men in this car and tell them everything I was thinking and feeling. I couldn't do it with them in the same space though, it was awkward enough without the added tension I was about to create.

Alice would get her explanation, and I knew I would never live it down. She and I had spent hours talking about what I had been through and she'd promised I would never have to go through anything like that again. I knew that I wouldn't while I was with her, but that had been my decision and my mistake to make. If I had just spoken to her like I should have it would never have been an issue.

As my thoughts continually made plans for my future, my eyes became heavier with every blink. I was fighting a losing battle in this constant darkness. The sleep that had consumed me in the cemetery had been restless, here in the comfort of the huge SUV and surrounded by my friends and the ones I loved, I found it easier to slip into the unconscious. There was no fear or panic anymore. I knew my own mind.

A/N: Sorry, not one of the better chapters but there were some things that needed to be cleared up and I hope that this was able to do that. There will be more in the next chapter, and Bella will come clean to everyone.

I know it seems a little odd that Bella was so umm, Frozen? but it had to happen, she had so much going on in her mind that her body revolted, and I couldn't have her relax at seeing Jasper, because he's part of decision. Brian is another adult figure, and although her wake up seems abrupt, I think it was always on the surface, she just needed that push.

Thanks as always to my super beta, the woman is amazing, and works incredibly hard and still finds time to beta for me. Thanks Cravingtwilight, you are awesome!

Miztrezboo and bendingmirrors, I love you guys! You're always there to talk me off the ledge and I hold my hand when I want to run and hide :) If you guys haven' read their fics, you're really missing out :)

To the Forum girls, you are all amazing and you keep me smiling ;) Bob!! You know I love you more lol, so give it up! A/N wars are over ;)

Thank you so much to each of you that take the time out to review. Every week you make me smile and blush and really think about the characters. You are all amazing and I wish there were something I could do to show you how awesome I think all of you are :) I love you guys.

Much love and big hugz

~Weezy :)