Sorry it's been so long. I still plan on continuing this story, but it's a little bit on the back burner for right now. And my apologies for the formatting AGAIN. I thought I fixed it twice, but apparently not.
Also, after 5 years of writing fanfiction, and 7ish years of being married to a man, I have finally realized: I'm a lesbian. Always have been. It seems blatantly obvious in hindsight, but, well, here we are. No clue what to do now, but any advice appreciated. Enjoy this chapter! xx
"Hey, love," Olivia said, smiling when Alex called her. She settled into the bed, lights dim. "How are you, sweetheart? I miss you."
Alex let out a breath, and her heart leapt in her chest. Due to their schedules - Olivia getting called out on a case, and Alex having planned drinks out after work with some law school friends the one night Olivia had made it home - they had hardly seen each other, save for a few cuddles, since Monday. Alex had regretted her plans to drive up separately from Olivia, who'd had some loose ends to finish up at the precinct before the long weekend.
"Hey, Liv. I miss you too. I wish you were here already," she admitted. "How are you? Did you finish everything up?"
"We got Harding," Olivia said. "The DNA came back, and we went to track him down this afternoon after the last processing for Rikers left, so he's in a holding cell until at least Monday. Not sure if they'll process him before Wednesday."
"Great. Did you call Trevor? He'll be relieved."
"Not yet. Figured you might want to let him know. If you want we can call him together tomorrow. I'll give you the rest of the updates tomorrow. It's good to hear your voice."
Alex nodded and smiled at Olivia's admission. "Okay. I don't want to leave him hanging. I'm sure he's not having an easy time."
"You haven't talked to him?"
Alex shook her head. "No. I know he's taking a leave of absence from his firm, but I didn't want to bother him before we had information for him."
They settled into chatting comfortably about their weeks, but, as always, avoid talking about their cases or their work. Only in the office, not at home. Alex thought briefly about telling Olivia about the Harvard job offer, but thought it would be better in person.
"We're going to leave really early tomorrow," Olivia said finally. "I want to get out of the city before the traffic builds up, because it'll be awful. Casey is staying in Safa's bed after I changed the sheets, and Jake is officially staying on the couch, although he might be in Sarah's room."
Alex nodded. "Tell Sarah I'm going to officially give her a room upstairs and put Jake in the finished basement on the pullout couch. She can do what she wants, but I want her to have a private space if she needs it. Do you know if she's talked to him yet? She hadn't as of yesterday, and I got the impression she didn't want me to ask her again."
"I think… I haven't gotten her alone yet, but she was quiet at dinner. I'm starting to worry about her. I think she's putting a lot of pressure on herself. I don't know how much pressure Jake is putting on her, but she seems to be rushing into things. How long have they even been dating?"
"It's only been a few weeks. I'm worried too. She's been really focused on this relationship and I'm worried she's not ready," Alex said.
"Well, we've both talked to her and told her not to rush, but it doesn't seem to be helping," Olivia commented. "But it probably also doesn't help for us to keep asking if she's okay and if she's sure. You get annoyed when I do that."
"I know. I don't want to interfere, but I don't want her to hurt herself either. I'm not sure what else we can do."
"We've both already told her that it's okay for her to wait until she's ready and she can trust him. She's an adult, technically. If he's not coercing her, there's not a whole lot we *can* do. Except be there for her if it blows up."
Alex sighed. "I feel like... I'm supposed to tell her... she wants me to tell her how hard it's going to be, and how I coped, and how we... and I just can't. It's intensely personal, and I don't want to. And I feel terrible, but I'm starting to resent that she wants my advice," Alex said, choking up. "I mean, it's hard enough to talk about with you and with my therapist."
"Oh sweetie," Olivia said. "You're not under ANY obligation to..."
"I know I'm not," Alex interrupted. "But I still feel responsible for her."
"So, you know those nifty therapy exercises you're supposed to do when you're making yourself responsible for the whole world and everything is your fault? The ones that you've paid like $100,000 to learn? Maybe you should use one of those," Olivia said.
"Touché," Alex replied. "She just doesn't see... she doesn't know how hard it's been for me. For us. I mean, it's still not normal. It'll never be normal. I took *years* to be comfortable doing things that are pretty basic, and you've been nothing but patient, and supportive, and you've *never* violated my trust, and... I just... I doubt she's going to have that. And I don't know how to warn her without sharing things I'm not comfortable sharing."
"She doesn't know what happens inside our bedroom, love, and she shouldn't. She shouldn't be thinking about us in that way at all. But if she's trying to compare, or thinks that because we love each other, and we're in a relationship, that everything is perfect behind closed doors and we never have issues... well, I don't know what to say about that."
"I'm just afraid she's relying on me to be her personal therapist. I can't force her to see one, and I can't be one for her."
"Lex, sweetie, you've got more than enough to deal with on your own. You come first. You put yourself first. And Sarah... well, I think she needs to get out of her own head a bit. Stop focusing on the boy and focus on herself."
"Mmm," Alex said, distracted. "I miss you. I wish you were here right now," she said quietly.
"Me too," Olivia replied. "I can't wait until I can hold you tomorrow. We'll have to try to sneak away for a bit when everyone goes to the beach."
Alex blushed. "That's a good idea," she said.
"So…" Olivia said slowly, pausing. "What are you wearing right now?"
"Oh, just some leggings and my Property of the US Marshal Service t-shirt," Alex answered. "Nothing fancy…. Oooh," she said, pausing and blushing as she realised what Olivia was implying. "Liv?"
"And… what are you wearing *underneath*?" Olivia asked, her voice low.
Alex felt herself turning pink and she chuckled. "Um, Liv? Am I supposed to give you the real answer, or a sexy answer?"
Olivia laughed. "Whatever you want, sweetie. Are you okay with where this is going?"
"Where *is* this going?" Alex asked.
"Well," Olivia said. "I want to describe in vivid detail what I imagine doing to you, and what I imagine you doing to me, while I touch myself."
Alex felt herself getting warm with embarrassment - or was it arousal? - as her breathing got shallow. It's just Olivia. If she were here right now you'd probably be having sex. You can talk about it...
"Lex? Sweetie?" Olivia asked after a moment. "It's okay, love. Another time, maybe."
"No — yes —Liv," Alex said abruptly. "It's— I want to."
"Are you sure?"
Alex swallowed. "I'm sure, Liv. I want to do this with you." She took a deep breath. "I don't know if I'll... but I want you to enjoy yourself." She took a deep breath.
"Stop me if you're uncomfortable, okay, Lex?"
"Okay." Alex inhaled and put her hands on her stomach under her t-shirt, already starting to feel her skin tingle as though Olivia were really touching her. "I'm wearing those blue lace panties you got me for Christmas. No bra," Alex said quietly, her voice shaking slightly.
"Really?" Olivia asked, surprised.
"Do you really want to know?" Alex said, laughing. "You said I could tell you whatever I wanted."
"So I did," Olivia agreed. "I'm kissing you. Cuddling with you and tasting your lips, and feeling your tongue. Kissing your jaw, and your neck, and that spot just below your left ear. And your hands are in my hair."
Alex sighed happily, her eyes closed, as she visualized kissing Olivia. "Mmm," she murmured. "I love kissing you." She paused. "You didn't tell me what you're wearing."
"Nothing," Olivia said, grinning.
Alex giggled. "I can't say you weren't prepared," she said.
"You know me. I'm a regular girl scout. Always prepared. Now, where were we? Kissing." She moaned softly into the phone. "You know what I love when we do this, Alexandra? I love cuddling against you, and your breasts brushing gently against mine, and how good that feels."
"Mmm," Alex replied. "I love you. I love feeling you." She slid a hand under her shirt, up to her chest, and began gently touching her own breast.
"I want to taste your skin," Olivia whispered, closing her eyes. "I want to kiss you all over, and taste your nipples. I love how sensitive they get. Mmmm. How does that feel, sweetie. Does it feel good? God I missed you this week. Now, I want you to reach down and touch yourself. Are you ready for me, sweetie? Are you aroused?"
"Liv…" Alex said softly. "This, you… you feel so good, Liv. I wish you were really here. I wish I were touching you, too."
Olivia let out a low moan as she reached down and touched herself, sliding a finger through her folds and up and around her clit.
"Do you remember what we tried the last time we were at the house?" Olivia asked gently. "Let's try imagining it together."
Alex hesitated. When they did try new things, step out of their comfort zones sexually, they tended to do it at the Vineyard house, where they knew they had complete privacy, and nobody would call them out or interrupt them during their lovemaking. Plus, Alex felt safe there. Her ability to relax and let her guard down in her own house, her sanctuary, meant she had an easier time focusing and letting go.
The last time, though, after a gentle round of lovemaking, Alex was still sensitive when Olivia had tried turning around, spreading Alex's legs, and positioning herself over her lover's mouth. Alex, feeling tender, was overwhelmed by trying to pleasure Olivia at the same time Olivia used her own mouth, and she disliked that she couldn't see her or communicate with her as they made love that way. In the end, when Alex attempted to close her legs, Olivia had realized Alex's discomfort and stopped, murmuring apologies and reassurances about trying another time. But even when Olivia was more than willing to stop, Alex still felt pangs of guilt that once again, her past was getting in the way of something she truly wanted to enjoy with her soulmate.
"I like being able to see you," Alex said softly.
Olivia's heart melted. "Me too, love," she said. "I wish I could see you now."
"I love when we just hold each other and, um, rub against each other," Alex said quietly, blushing.
"You mean clit to clit?" Olivia clarified. "That's one of my favorites," she breathed. "I love holding you close and kissing you and watching your face while we do that."
Alex closed her eyes and listened to Olivia describe their lovemaking, how she felt when she held Alex and brought her to orgasm. She enjoyed Olivia's shortness of breath and low moans, but although she felt aroused and touched herself briefly, she couldn't bring herself to go all the way. She didn't understand why it felt safe to have Olivia touch her, but she still couldn't manage to touch herself, or to feel safe in her own body when Olivia wasn't there.
As Olivia's breath got short, Alex whispered words of encouragement and I-love-yous, realizing how vulnerable Olivia was being with her.
"How do you feel, stud?" She finally asked, after Olivia had let out an "oh, Alex" as she came.
Olivia smiled and let out a breath. "I love you. Thank you for doing that with me."
"I love you too, and I'll enjoy the real deal tomorrow even more. Sleep well and drive safe," Alex said.
When Alex woke up the second time during the night, Lexie had climbed into bed with her, snuggling into her back, and when she woke up the third time, at 5:30, she decided to get out of bed, grab a towel, and meditate on the beach.
She returned to the house to make coffee, to find Rym on the porch swing, looking out at the ocean. There was a beach towel next to her as well, and Rym had a scarf that she had put on her hair.
"Good morning," she said quietly, going to start the coffee pot.
Rym nodded at her, mumbling a greeting without making eye contact, as Alex got coffee and sat down with her journal at the porch table. Alex noticed the tears on her face and contemplated saying something, but left the woman to her own thoughts and a cup of coffee, as she processed her own feelings from the night before, from Safa, and from Sarah in her journal.
Rym stayed quiet, and Abbie come down shortly, surprising Alex, as she was not usually an early riser, especially on nights she had been drinking. Abbie, taking her own cup of coffee, went to sit next to Rym on the porch swing, and, after a moment, tentatively placed a hand on the younger woman's back.
"Good morning," she said gently. "Did you sleep alright?"
Rym nodded, tears still spilling down her face.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Abbie asked.
Rym stared off into the distance a while longer, before pulling the scarf off her head and wiping her tears, as she turned to Abbie.
"I couldn't pray," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I came down to do my morning prayers, and I just... I couldn't do it. I can't."
And Abbie took her hand, and let Rym lean on her shoulder, not asking for any other explanation.