"Sam," Phantom – no, Fenton – said.
I watched those familiar hands reaching for me, an embrace that I would have willingly run into had it been any other situation. But it was this circumstance, it wasn't me looking into the face of the one I had fallen for, the one I had given my heart, soul and body to. This was me looking into a mask. Phantom was nothing more than an illusion. I had fallen for a lie.
"What the fuck?" I spat. "What the actual fuck?"
"Please," He begged but I couldn't stand to hear the voice I knew as Fenton's come out of Phantom's lips.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I not have seen this? How could I have spent multiple hours out of every day with Phantom and not have seen that he was Fenton? How could I have lain there, in his arms, night after night and listened to his lies and believed them? How could I have possibly never questioned it?
But how and why could he have not told me?
"Change back," I ordered, shielding my eyes from the body in front of me. I was sinking into the chair, too weak to move. I could feel myself slipping further and further down the chair as if it were a deep black bottomless pit; I had no will to pick myself up. My thoughts were spinning so wildly that I thought my head was simply going to detach from my neck and roll into my lap.
As I tried to muddle through what I was feeling, trying to come to some sort of understanding, I realized it just wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to be able to sit with my legs curled up to my chest and think my way through this because I didn't understand him. I didn't know him in the way I thought I did because I really didn't know him at all. All along I thought I was with Phantom – a ghost, someone who I could never truly have and hold as my own – but that wasn't the case. I was with Fenton, who had continually gone out of his way to glare at me and make my life feel like hell; him and his girlfriend.
"Paullina!" I blurted, dropping my hand away from in front of my eyes. I looked at the male in front of me, once again with dark hair. "You were with Paullina while I was with . . . " I could bring myself to say the name, "him."
"I told you I made a lot of really fuckin' stupid decisions," Fenton sighed. "The moment I realized that I wanted you I should have left here, because she never could have meant half as much to me as you do."
I stared at him for a few seconds. "I have to go," I said evenly, surprising myself with the calm in my voice.
"Sam," Fenton's hand stretched out, touching my arm.
I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach; there was a familiar chill residing in his fingers. My body was reacting to his touch, confirming what my mind would not accept. The ghost I loved and the human I hated were the same person.
"Don't touch me," I hissed.
Fenton's arm collapsed back by his side. "We're not done talking," he breathed.
"I can't talk right now. I can't even think." My hands shook as I put my coat on. I needed to get home, to get somewhere safe before I completely lost it.
"When can I come see you?" He asked.
"You can't!" I spat, feeling a wave of anger beginning to come over me, "What would ever make you think that I would want to talk to you?"
"Because," he floundered for a minute, his cheeks puffing out, "because we love each other."
"I don't love you! I don't even know you. You were just using me –"
"I WAS NOT USING YOU!" Fenton interrupted with a shout. "I would never dream of such a thing."
"Then explain it to me," I returned. "Explain why you never told me who you were. Explain why you were always so cruel to me. Explain why you were with two girls at the same time. And for the love of everything, why the fuck would you break my heart right after I gave everything to you?"
Fenton closed his eyes. "You need to let me explain more."
I shook my head. "I've heard enough. I know you lied to me. I know you pretended to be someone you're not. I know you didn't give a fuck about my feelings. I know I'm done with you."
"I'm telling you the truth now. I was more real with you than I think I've been with anyone else; despite the change in appearance I was never anyone else." He took a step closer to me and I drew in a breath.
I tensed because I knew what was coming next. I had seen that look before; that expression before. Same face, different details. I held my breath as Fenton's fingers – cold against my skin – tilted my chin up, making me look at him. I was statue still as he pressed his lips to mine. Despite myself I felt myself leaning into the contact: I knew this kiss, I craved this kiss. I had woken up to this and fallen asleep to this. I had felt this fluttering along my collarbones, tattooing this feeling along my skin. It was easy, with my eyes closed, with just feeling him there, to think that nothing had changed. That I would open my eyes and it would be Phantom like it had always been.
But I knew it wasn't. My brain pulsed and my heart ached with this horrible truth. It wasn't Phantom, it was Fenton and I just couldn't take this. I opened my eyes and pushed him away. Tears were beginning to prick painfully at my eyes. I turned away so Fenton wouldn't see me cry. I had my hand on the knob of his front door when Fenton spoke again.
"I never cared about anything but your feelings. I know my timing is shit and I should have told you months ago, but I couldn't let this go any further without being honest with you. And I need it to go further. I know you need time, and I respect that because I was the one who fucked up. I would be an idiot to think that you could forgive me just like that, I know you're not. But you can't just be done with me, Sam. I can't handle that."
"I am done." I said, voice so forceful even I believed it. "How could I ever . . . " I let my sentence trail off as my mind came up with too many options for the blank.
How could I ever trust him again? How could I ever love him again? How could I look in his face and not feel betrayal? How could I ever heal from this? How could I live my life knowing that the one person who had seemed to understand the most had been the one to hurt me the most?
"Goodbye."
And I walked out the door. It felt satisfying to slam it shut behind me. I let the wind rip across my face, relishing in how alive the cold made me feel. I shuffled to my car, dragging my heels on the sidewalk. The noise grated on my ears and the petty annoyance helped to keep my mind from what transpired. I got into my car and cranked the radio. Before I pulled out of my parking spot and headed for home, I looked over my shoulder, back at Fenton Works.
He was standing at the front door, his face framed by the window. I couldn't stand to see the look on his face –so sad, so destroyed – when it was he that brought it upon himself. He had no right to look at me like I was the source of his pain when all of this had been his fault. I didn't tell him to lie to me. I didn't tell him to be two people at once – lead two separate lives.
I think the part that bothered me was how he dared look heartbroken when he was the one who destroyed me.
I drove home quickly, not caring about the slippery roads and the bad weather conditions. If I crashed, I crashed. It wouldn't hurt me any more. I made it home safely, breezing through the front door. I was glad that, for once, my mother was more absent than present. I darted up the stairs, throwing myself into my room.
Once I was inside, I paused and took a deep breath. I felt . . . disappointed. I don't know what I expected. I think I was expecting Phantom to already be lounging on my bed, white hair in his eyes, peering up at me, a grin on his face. He would look so happy and carefree and ask where I'd been and I would complain about Fenton because things would be normal and my life wouldn't have been a lie. I wouldn't have fallen in love only to find out that the person I loved was not the person I thought he was at all.
As it was, my bedroom was empty. There was no Phantom waiting for me because he was Fenton and Fenton was in his own house where I had left him.
I peeled off my clothes and climbed into bed. I let the blankets settle around my body and tried not to think of the night before when it had been his arms around me. Yet, it was impossible not to think about. It was impossible not to be caught up in the past, going over and over the past few months, and realizing what an idiot I'd been. Now that I knew the truth, now that it was staring me in the face, I couldn't look back at all of my memories with him – I'd even dreamed about it! – and see Fenton staring back at me.
It was terrifying that I had not seen, or had subconsciously chosen to be blind to, who he realize was. I had spent time with Fenton; so much time that I had unwillingly learned the nuances of his speech and his movements. I had spent time with Phantom, had learned him from the inside out. And yet, even when it had occurred to me that there might be some kind of similarity there, I had brushed it aside. I had bought into the stuttering lies that had been so easily fed to me because I hadn't wanted to know the truth.
But now I did.
Now I had to wrap my head around the fact that there wasn't a Fenton and a Phantom. They were the same; they were one. It wasn't Phantom. It was always Fenton. Fenton with his lying lips that had kissed me after leaving Paullina's side, or vice versa. I felt a tug of sympathy for the cruel girl; neither of us had deserved to be cheated on, especially by one who did it so easily.
I curled into a ball, my arms locking around my pillow, bringing it to my midsection. I just wanted comfort. I wanted to escape from my reeling thoughts; thoughts that seemed to have no beginning, no end. There was no purpose to these thoughts except that they brought me pain every time they floated across my mind.
I let the tears fall, grieving for what I had lost. I had lost a loved one; Phantom was truly dead. He was an illusion, a trick brought on by Fenton's lab accident. He wasn't real, didn't exist. He was just a façade of Fenton's. I had loved someone who was no more than a negative image of Fenton. Except Phantom had been the positive. He had constantly been the light in my day when Fenton had been the dark.
I sobbed, bitterly.
I couldn't do this; I couldn't lose him but I couldn't love someone who wasn't there.
I don't own anything recognizable. Thanks to my betas: foreversky. Don't forget to vote on the poll: Danny's companion is winning at 52%. Get your votes in before it closes – only about 3 chapters left of Reflections!
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