Harry stood waiting in a quiet room just outside the main foyer of the Ministry. He could hear the minister speaking and the shouted questions from the collected press. He could hear the clicks of cameras as they echoed off the high ceilings. The room he was in was large, there was a conference table in the center of it that could easily seat twenty people. Harry was in the back corner, he back against the wall and his eyes shut. He felt claustrophobic, he felt as though he was without escape. One of the doors opened and a nervous looking wizard poked his head in the door.
"Sir, they're ready for you now." The man's voice squeaked a little from nervousness, and when Harry looked at him he tried to smile.
Pushing himself off the wall he headed down the long room toward the man. As he approached the wizard opened the door wider and pressed himself back against it to give Harry as much room as possible. Harry looked at him more closely now. His hair was a dark brown and shaggy but not long, he wore glasses with thick rims and he couldn't have been more than twenty. Harry imagined he might have been this man, if he had been allowed to choose his own destiny. He smiled again at the man and walked past him into the foyer.
"…the Man Who Saved Us All." The minister's booming voice echoed again and he made a wide, dramatic gesture in Harry's direction.
The cameras flashed with an astounding speed and consistency. Harry kept his head down and made his way to the platform that had been set up. He stood behind the podium and looked out into the crowd. There were a few recognizable faces, Dumbledore stood off to the side along with several members of the Order, surprisingly, Alastor Moody was there scanning the crowd with his magic eye. His eyes traveled to the back of the room where Lily stood with Jamie on her hip and James next to her. Remus and Sirius stood a few feet away and Harry's heart gave a stuttered jump when he saw Alex's familiar curls bouncing up and down as the boy waved his arms over his head.
The crowd quieted down and the room filled with a tangible expectation. Harry took a deep breath and glanced at Lily once more, she smiled widely and gave him a nod. He performed a quick sonorous spell before speaking.
"I don't really have anything prepared to say, I know you all have some questions and I'll give you what time I can to answer them. But before we do, I'd like us all to take a minute to honor those who have fallen, or been gravely injured in this war, and for their loved ones who continue to suffer from it." Harry said. The room went silent and Harry closed his eyes fighting off the memories that were forever at the edge of his mind.
After a minute he opened his eyes and took another deep breath.
"Okay. Who has questions?" He asked. And immediately hands flew into the air and the screaming began. He held his hands up. "All right, I can only answer one question at a time, you there." He said pointing at a large man near the front."
"Alfred Tomkins. Wizarding World Magazine." The man said in a deep baritone. "I understand that there were some after affects of the spell that you used to kill him. Can you elaborate on the spell and the affect it had on you?"
"Well, the spell was actually a simple unbinding spell. It was simply scaled up by about 400 times. It essentially unbound every Death Eater still wearing the mark. The magnitude of the spell drained my magical reserves completely." Harry said calmly, "The affects were that my reserves were so low that my body began, what the healers tell me, was a protective shield. Essentially, what was left of my magic shielded me from further injury, but it also began to tap into my body's natural strength to do so. Slowly, my heart and lungs began to fail. The recuperation was slow, but I am doing well. You, Ma'am"
"Donna Kothworth. Daily Prophet." The young witch said, "There are some rumors that you're planning on taking over the Auror division, any truth to that?"
"I have been offered a position with the Aurors, though not as the head of the division. I have also been offered a few others, but at this time I haven't made any definite choice." Harry said and pointed at another woman near the center of the room.
"Caroline Marquis. French International News Room." She said with a light French accent, "You are very young to have accomplished what you have, some reports are coming out saying you've fought wars like this before. Can you tell us more about these experiences, and how you knew so much about Voldemort before most of the governmental heads did not."
"I can tell you that the wars I fought were far more devastating than this one, and that they were not fought in the same manner. I can tell you that I knew Voldemort from years of research and experience with his followers. I can't explain the government's knowledge or lack of." Harry said swiftly and ignored the woman when she attempted to ask a follow-up. "Yes, you."
"George Michaelson. Life and Time in London." The man shouted out, "Do you think that there is potential for something like this to happen again?"
Harry looked again toward the back of the room. "I would like to believe it won't. But it is up to us to decide. You see, Voldemort accomplished what he did, not because he was the most powerful wizard, because we have seen that he was not. Not because his numbers were so great that it was impossible to overcome, because it was shown that it was not. But because, you, me, all of us, we stood by while he gathered his Death Eaters, and began killing people."
No one spoke and Harry shook his head before continuing, "In the Muggle world, they had a great war, led by a man who was able to gather a great many followers, and he captured and killed thousands upon thousands of innocent people. And there is a quote, which explains why this main, who was at the beginning, nothing more than a failed painter, nothing more than average, was able to gain such a following and commit such evils, and hold such power. And most of you wouldn't understand the context of it, but let me put it in perspective for you. For us, the quote would say: "First they came for the muggles, and I was not a muggle so I did not speak out. Then they came for the muggle-borns, but I was not a muggle-born so I did not speak out. Then they came for the squibs, and half-breeds, but I was not one of them so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me." We cannot be bystanders to atrocity, we cannot be witnesses without voices to the wrongs of this world."
*
The press conference went on, he spoke about the time he spent searching for Voldemort, he spoke about the 'last night' and the weeks of recovery that followed, he glossed over questions about his past, and answered what he could about the upcoming Inquiries by the Ministry. And all of the questions that had been asked, were planned for and expected. Up until the very last one.
"This will be the last question, you there." He pointed to a young woman with horned rimmed glasses, she looked familiar somehow.
"Rita Skeeter. Witches Weekly." She said and her voice made Harry flinch, twenty years younger his worst nightmare. "I wanted to ask you, there are some rumors that you are single is this true? The ladies would like to know." She gave a disgusting and suggestive wink at the end that made Harry cringe.
Harry glanced back to where Sirius stood, Sirius looked at him but Harry couldn't read the expression before the other man turned away. He looked to Remus who shrugged.
"No. I'm sorry, I'm not single." Harry said and took a step back from the podium but the screeching voice boomed out anyway.
"So who is it then?" She asked and Harry once again looked to the back of the room but Sirius was gone.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to say anymore on the subject." Harry said. "Thank you all. Good Evening."
Harry left the stage with his heart thundering in his ears and a strange bitterness welling up in his mind.
He made his way into the quiet room and closed the door. He leaned against the wall and slid down until he was able to rest his elbows on his knees, he cradled his head in his hands as the painful scene replayed in his mind over and over.
"Sometimes, it's impossible to care about you." Sirius said and his voice was dry and harsh, "You fight without saying a single word, you don't seem to care what I do, or how close I get to walking away. You don't want to commit to this, you don't want to put anything of yourself into it. I'm beginning to think you're only humoring me."
Harry had said nothing. He had opened the door and walked out. The next day Sirius said nothing about it and Harry didn't either. They ate breakfast together, kissed each other, went about their day, the slept in the same bed that night but there was a foot of physical space between them and it felt like miles. And after a few minutes of silence, Sirius' had spoken out in the dark, his back to Harry.
"I don't know how to stop loving you. But right now, there is nothing more I want in the world than to hate you." It was a whisper and something in Harry broke.
He wanted to turn to the man and hold him, apologize, make promises, anything, something. But he didn't. He lay in silence and listened to Sirius' unsteady breathing all night.
*
A soft hand on his shoulder pulled him from his thoughts and he met Lily's beautiful green eyes.
"Hey Lil." He said weakly.
"Hey, yourself." She said. "How are you?"
"I'm okay." He said standing up and pulling her with him. "I'm alive."
"That you are." She said with a hint of a smile. "Now, there's a boy out there who is just about ready to explode if he doesn't see you. So come on."
Harry let Lily pull him out of the room and the minute he stepped through the door he was hit by Alex and pulled into a firm hug. Harry held on and smiled into Alex's curls.
"Hey, little brother, you're smashing the air out of me." Harry said and after a moment Alex let go.
I always knew you were coming back. Because you promised. And that was all Alex signed to him, no accusations, no dramatic anger or sadness. And Harry welcomed it.
They went for lunch, there were reporters trailing them but it only took Harry's polite request that they stay back from them, to keep them at a distance. At lunch Alex's spoke non-stop about what was going on at school and everything he hadn't mentioned in his letters, he tried to ask Harry questions about his time away but Harry kept his responses quick and without substance. When they finished Remus took Alex back to Hogwarts and Lily, James and Jamie went home. Harry walked the distance from the small pub to Mercer Street.
When he entered the house he heard Sirius singing in the kitchen and made his way to stand in the doorway. Sirius sat on the counter like usual strumming his guitar. His eyes were closed and his voice was deep and sad.
Harry couldn't comprehend the words beyond the melancholy tune and the outright pain in his voice. There was something shocking in seeing him this way, and watching it was like a train wreck he couldn't yell out in warning of, and he couldn't make stop. He stood as he watched the man he loved unravel his pain with a haunting beauty and a terrifying finality and Harry for once was able to break this seeming insurmountable silence that had washed up between him and Sirius since he'd come back. He moved quietly and slowly towards the place where Sirius sat and Sirius did not once look up at him. He kept playing in his tortured oblivion and every sound, and every word sent another searing pain into Harry's heart. As he reached him, the placed a hand on Sirius' strumming fingers. And he felt the hot tears welling up behind his eyes, but he pushed them back and when he looked up into Sirius' face, he nearly lost all control.
Sirius's features were stone, set and clear and unreadable but his eyes were a storm of dark thoughts and a wave of self-loathing rose up in Harry like a tidal wave.
"Stop." Harry whispered, and it was barely a sound.
Sirius looked at him but there was no response or recognition apparent in his clouded eyes or his stoic expression.
"Please. Don't." Harry whispered again.
Sirius didn't move and he didn't speak.
"I know you told me I had to learn how to live. And I've been trying." Harry said. "I'm sorry. I'm trying."
Sirius looked away and shook Harry's hand off before getting down from the counter, setting the guitar on the top. He spoke with his back still turned and his words carefully chosen.
"We are so bad for each other, I don't know how we even got here." He said, "But I do know, that we are here, and I'm so far into it that I'm not sure I could ever find a way out."
"Do you want to?" Harry asked.
"Sometimes."
Harry nodded more to himself than to Sirius, who still wasn't looking at him. He turned to walk away but before he took more than a step, Sirius exploded and slammed his fists on the countertop.
"Damn you! You're always walking away." Sirius said his voice white hot with anger, "For once, just for once, I wish you'd stay and fight. You fight for everything else, you fought for custody of Alex, and you fought the Order and the ministry, and fucking Voldemort. You've fought for everything and everyone in the whole bloody world, and yet you can't fight for me."
"This is a battleground I'm not familiar with." Harry said his voice a little stronger, but his heart constricted.
"You need to get familiar with it Harry, real quick. Because we're losing." Sirius said and finally turned to face him. "I'm not strong enough to keep doing this. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for someone who isn't willing to do the same."
There was a heavy and brooding silence that followed.
"You scream in your sleep." Sirius said his voice softer, "And you call out my name. Your voice is so desperate, as if you don't expect to find me. But that is all I have. That's all I have to hold on to."
"Are you leaving then?" Harry asked his voice dull and unfamiliar to him.
Sirius walked over to him and met his eyes. He grabbed handfuls of Harry's shirt and pulled him close, kissing him roughly. He leaned in and whispered in Harry's ear.
"No. You want me gone. Say the words. Tell me to go." Sirius said and there was something hard and distant to his tone, "I'll go and I won't look back. But it will be because you asked for it. That decision will be yours, and so will the consequences."
Harry didn't move or say anything as Sirius pushed by him. He didn't turn when Sirius spoke again from the doorway.
"I have as many scars from this war as you do, it's just that not all of them are on the outside." Sirius stated quietly before the sound of his footsteps led out of the room and up the stairs.
*
It wasn't until a week later that Harry had found himself at Hogwarts. He had come through Dumbledore's office and chatted with the headmaster briefly before making his way out onto the grounds and down to the lake.
He stood in the same spot that had so many twisted memories attached to it. This was where he had seen himself cast a patronous for the first time, and saved his and Sirius' life, this was where he and Ron had gotten drunk when Hermione had died. This was just a few feet from where Dumbledore's body had been entombed in a future that no longer existed. This is where Firenze had approached him and asked for him to give saving the world another go, this is where he had made a choice to change the course of his life, and everyone else's. This is the place where he and Remus had come the day they skipped class, and the place where James and Sirius had arrested him.
He looked around him, there was nothing remarkable about this place. At Hogwarts, everything was grand, the castle, and the magic, the ceiling of the great hall, the talking portraits and the ghosts. He remembered back to the first time he had seen it all and remembered how it had all seemed so extraordinary but this place, in comparison was simply a spot of grass near a dark lake. Yes, the lake was home to mermaids and the giant squid and so many other magical things, but none of those things were extraordinary to him anymore. There was no spark to this world, this child's fantasy.
"Time only travels in circles for those who understand that what is and what could be are either synonymous are or contradictory." A deep and musical voice came from behind him, and Harry did not need to turn to know who it belonged to. "You could spend the rest of your life sorting out what the past was, and what the future will not be."
Harry turned and looked at Firenze, he looked no different than he had when Harry had last seen him some twenty years in the future.
"Do you think, Firenze, that knowing the future denies you the ability to live in the present?" Harry asked and a compassionate look overtook the centaur's sculpted features.
"Traveler, I don't know the future, I see what I have been shown but it is messages and it is cryptic, and I do believe I am shown so little with so little context, for that very reason." He responded. "Even the best Seers do not know the future in its entirety. "
"I feel like I should have died in this war, or in the war I came from." Harry said looking back over the lake. "I feel like I was never meant for life, as if I was only ever born to die fighting."
"We all have our place, but every path that is taken is plotted by something far greater than ourselves." Firenze's voice was still soft and almost soothing, "We do not, any of us, really choose the course of our lives, we are meant to arrive at a predetermined destination, it is only our choice how we get there. Perhaps death by war is your destination, but you have not yet arrived."
Harry ran a hand through his hair and took in a deep breath.
There was some shuffling and Firenze spoke again. "Cursed is he who knows the destination but not the path to get there."
Harry turned to respond and found that the centaur had fled back into the forest.
*
Harry was familiar with nightmares, he was familiar with the cold sweat and the hoarseness of his voice when he woke up. But this was something different, something he had never experienced before.
There was a dream, a nightmare, but he only recalled the most singular aspects of it. The way the blood he saw pooled on the grass in which seemed such a subdued, almost grayish color compared with the bright red, the faceless bodies that were twisted and broken and the unending flashes of light that came from every direction. And the screams, the unending screams of terror and pain.
He felt Sirius shaking him violently, he heard him screaming Harry's name and the door open as Remus came it but it was all distant. When he opened his eyes, the dream itself faded but in its place was something far more horrifying. Sirius was before him and Remus at his side. But behind them, were the older versions, the now non-existent future versions of these men. Remus with blood seeping from a wound on his neck and his right harm broken and bent at a disturbing angle, Sirius's form was pale almost translucent and had the deadened eyes Harry had glimpse before he faded into the veil.
And Harry could not stop screaming. Remus had come to him and grabbed him into a tight embrace whispering into his ear things that Harry couldn't comprehend as his eyes remained fastened on the ethereal images that stood just a few feet away.
They had called in Lily and they had given him a dreamless sleep potion which only trapped Harry in the vivid hallucination. It wasn't until Lily had given him a calming drought that Harry had silenced. When the potion had worn off, no one had asked him about the nightmare, and Harry hadn't said anything.
He had not slept since then. It had been five days.
*
Harry paced the floor in the living room at Mercer, he had poured himself a glass of firewhiskey but he was distracted and the glass sat untouched and sweating on the side table. The floo flashed and Remus stepped forward brushing soot off his jacket. He looked the part of the erratic professor, hair mussed and jacket with elbow patches, books and papers stacked haphazardly and clutched in his hands.
He looked at Harry and gave him a lopsided smile and then cocked his head to the side in question of Harry's disheveled state and pacing.
"Afternoon, Harry…" He said uncertainly, Harry nodded at him.
"I've invited Lily and Severus over and Sirius should be here soon." Harry said his voice tense and carrying a slight tremor.
Remus hadn't moved he looked at him for a moment before shaking his head and making his way to the stairs. "All right then, I'll just tuck this away and change and be back down."
Harry nodded absently and finally took a drink from the glass on the side table. He continued his pacing and within a few moments Sirius had come through the floo. He was startled to see Harry pacing, and did not hide it as well as Remus had. He brushed himself off with quick, tense movements and walked over to Harry, keeping an awkward distance between them.
"You okay?" Sirius asked, Harry turned to him and nodded.
"I invited Lily and Severus. Remus is upstairs." Harry said and took another drink. Sirius looked at him concern etching his features creating lines that Harry wanted to smooth out.
Sirius sighed deeply, "Okay...I'll just go change then."
Harry nodded and returned to his pacing. Sirius stopped at the foot of the stairs and turned back to Harry.
"You sure you're all right." Sirius asked and Harry looked at him.
"No." Harry said unexpectedly.
"Okay." Sirius said softly. "I'll be back down."
*
Lily had gone to the kitchen immediately after she had arrived. She had tried to coax Harry from his pacing by asking for help with dinner, but Harry had shaken his head and continued . Severus arrived with his robes billowing in a familiar way that made something relax in Harry. Harry had explained that Lily was in the kitchen cooking. Severus had looked at him and was about to ask a question when Sirius and Remus came down the stairs.
They all made their way into the kitchen. Severus first and Harry behind him, Remus and Sirius hung back and were whispering intensely.
Harry set the table for dinner and they ate, Harry said nothing. Remus and Lily and even Severus chatted about Remus' successes and challenges as he worked on the cure. Sirius talked about the Ministry overhaul on Auror training and how the new recruits were all in it for the glory. They kept glancing at Harry but he kept his head down.
When the meal finished, Harry stood and asked everyone to come into the living room.
They all sat around the living room and Harry stood with his back to the fireplace. They looked at him expectantly and Harry took a deep breath before beginning.
"I..I owe all of you some explanations." Harry said his voice not as confident as he would have liked, "I haven't invited James, because I'm not sure how he will take it. But Lily, you should feel welcome to tell him if you wish."
Lily's brow furrowed but she nodded.
Harry continued, "Before I start, you should also know that I plan to leave the wizarding world, at least for a little while. I will go into the muggle world, maybe to America. "
There was a sudden silence and then Remus spoke.
"What about Alex?"
"I will ask him if he wants to come, if not, I will allow him to remain at Hogwarts and he can come to me over break. Muggleborn students do it all the time." Harry said and Remus nodded.
"And what about me?" Sirius said his voice low and dangerously close to anger.
"I had planned to ask you to come, as well." Harry said not meeting the other man's eyes.
Silence fell again and Sirius studied his hands.
"So. I'm going to ask that you all let me talk, and that you wait until I'm finished to ask any questions." Harry said and they all nodded. Harry caught Severus' eye and the man nodded.
"On July 31st, 1980, I was born. My mother named me, Harry James Potter."
*
Harry spoke for hours, he started at the beginning from his very first memories in the closet under the stairs and live Privet drive, to the strange things that begun to happen around him. He talked about the letters from Hogwarts and the first time he met Hagrid, and his introduction to the wizarding world. He spoke of his awe and joy when he first saw Hogwarts, his first impressions of Professor Snape, which earned a huff from the man himself. He talked about his friends, and Professor Quirrel. He talked about the troubles of the defense job, Quidditch, and Dumbledore's strange presence. He explained his loneliness, and desperate longing for his parents. He talked about Remus, and his lessons, with some laughter in his voice. He met Sirius' eyes when he spoke about how he had learned of Sirius and his imprisonment, he talked about the events that followed. He talked about the Tri-Wizard tournament and Cedric's death, and what the newspapers had written.
He went on to explain about Voldemort's second rising and the Order and the battle at the Ministry and there were tears in his eyes as he spoke of the veil. He didn't mention Tonks to Remus in hopes he could avoid changing that happiness any further than he already had. He talked about the change in Hogwarts and Dumbledore's removal and then his return and ultimately his death at the hands of his trusted spy. He explained the search for the horcruxes and the battle that they expected to win but had instead lost greatly. He spoke about the death he had seen, and the friends he had lost. He talked about Voldemort's disappearance and the hopelessness that had followed, and then he talked about Firenze and his request and offer.
When he finished Lily was in tears and Sirius sat tensely in his seat. Remus had stood up and rested now with his back against the wall and his eyes closed.
Severus sat in the same place his eyes on his hands and his face unreadable. Harry looked at them all, his throat sore from the long hours of speaking.
"I am sorry, for keeping it all from you. I…thought it was best." Harry said trying to catch Sirius' eyes without success. "I know that this may change the way you see me, or perhaps how you feel. I'll understand if you need space from me, or if you don't want to be involved with me anymore. You all deserved to know, and so I've told you."
Still no one spoke, but Remus looked at him with a deep sadness in his eyes and Lily muffled her sobs with her hands.
"Why did you do it?" Severus said breaking the silence. "Why did you agree to come back?"
"I had nothing to lose, everyone I had loved had died. I had no future then." Harry responded.
"And what happens now? Do you go back?" Remus spoke out in his gentle way.
Harry shook his head, "No. There is nothing to go back to anymore. I was never born, I do not exist anymore in the time I came from."
Lily's head snapped up and she calmed herself enough to speak. "But…Jamie?"
"Jamie isn't me. He doesn't even look like I did before, he won't lead the life I did." Harry said, "He would even be a full year older than I would have been."
Silence fell again.
"So, what now? What will you do?" Lily asked after a moment.
"I will live my life, and then I will die." Harry said. "I had no future then, and now I have no past. From the second that I arrived here, I was no longer Harry Potter."
After awhile Severus excused himself stepping up to Harry and putting his hand on Harry's shoulder.
"Thank you." He whispered before passing by him and stepping into the floo.
Lily was the next to leave, after she had calmed herself down. She pulled Harry into a tight embrace.
"I love you, Harry. And none of this changes the reasons why. You come say good bye to us before you leave." She said tears still shining in her eyes.
Harry nodded.
After Lily left, Harry, Remus and Sirius remained in the living room.
"Harry…" Remus started looking from him to Sirius.
"It's okay Remus, you can go." Harry said softly. "We'll talk later."
Remus nodded and made his way out of the room.
Sirius and Harry remained in an excruciating silence.
"Did you love me?" Sirius said his eyes still on the floor, "Did you love me in your time?"
"As much as I could have." Harry said. "I didn't get a chance to know you. And not like this, not how I love you now. I didn't know myself then. I never had the chance to find myself."
Sirius said nothing.
"I'm leaving at the end of this week." Harry said. "I understand if you don't ."
"Do you?" Sirius said with a sharp sarcasm. "Bloody hell."
Sirius ran his hands through his hair. "My godson."
"I'm not." Harry said.
Sirius looked at him.
"I'm not your godson. My godfather died, years ago." Harry said. "You are not that man, Sirius, and you never will be. Jamie is your godson."
"And who are you?" Sirius asked.
"I don't know yet." Harry said. "But now I can finally find out."
"And what am I supposed to do?" Sirius said, "How am I supposed to love you now?"
Harry closed his eyes to the pain in his chest when Sirius said that, "The same way you did before."
"And if I can't?" Sirius asked with a distant desperation to his tone.
"Then, I say good-bye. And life goes on."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
AN: All right, well you all asked for it. There is the next chapter. I toyed around with doing a Sequel but..eh..I think I'll just keep along with the same story. The title fits nicely still I think.
So. Here's the deal guys. I am holding the story hostage. And by that I mean, I'm only going to keep going if you guys want to read it. So review please, if it gets to the point where there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of interest I'll wrap it up and we'll all move on.
I love you all fantastically. Thanks and Thanks. And tell me what you think.
PS- I had to re-upload this because I forgot to spell check. So sorry.