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Guest: Why Kiefer knows is covered in chapter 38

This chapter contains Elizabeth's discussion of her childhood. While the discussion is not graphic in nature it, may still be disturbing.

Chapter 37

Elizabeth took a deep breath to steady herself and began talking. "My mom and dad divorced when I was really young, I don't even remember him. We have some pictures but that's all, mom and Steven never talked about him. After awhile I stopped asking. My mom remarried when I was six that was when we moved to Colorado, my stepfather said it was a new start. Steven had just left for college so I was the only kid in the house. We lived just outside of Boulder. My mom was a nurse and my stepfather is a photographer. I never really like him, neither did Steven. But our mom loved him and he made her happy in the beginning then they got married. They had a lot of friends and everyone always talked about how perfect they were together. They said we were the perfect family, but we weren't."

Jason watched her and tried to swallow the bile that wanted to rise in the back of his throat. He had only ever heard her talk in such a flat tone once. When he asked her if Lucky had been the first person she had sex with.

"My stepfather has a very violent temper. He was always very even tempered in public but at home he terrorized us. I have almost no memories of him that don't involve him hitting my mom or yelling at us. Even when we did exactly as he expected us to something always managed to set him off. My mother never felt like she could go to anyone for help I never understood why until I was with Kiefer. I felt so ashamed and stupid when we were together. I should have known better but I let myself get stuck in the same situation as my mom. I swore I would never let it happen and then I did." She told him.

"Ella don't beat yourself up. You got away. You stood up to him and you got away." Jason reminded her.

She nodded at his words. "My dad never hit her where anyone would see, and he rarely hit me. Always shots to the body and even if he did hit us where someone else could see, it wouldn't have mattered because we never went anywhere without him. It just got passed off as us being clumsy. When I turned eight he made my mom take me out of school to home school me and he made her stop working at the hospital. He had told everyone that I was sickly and had to be cared for around the clock by my mother. He even told everyone that I went to a specialist in another town. Everyone pitied him. They all said how great he was to care for a sick child that wasn't even his. But I wasn't sick. He didn't want me to be able to tell anyone what was happening."

Elizabeth paused to take another steadying breath. It humiliated her to have to admit that she'd been so badly treated by a member of her own family. This time however was so much worse, because she'd waited for the man sitting beside her forever. "When I turned nine he started coming into my room at night. I knew it was wrong even at that young age, but I didn't know who to turn to for help. I didn't know what to do. He'd call me his special girl. He said what we were sharing was special." Elizabeth paused fighting to keep from crying. "I learned not to cry when he hurt me. Crying only made him angry. And I was too scared to fight back."

"You couldn't tell anyone?" Jason asked not in condemnation, but trying to fit the pieces of what he was hearing into his mind. Ella just shook her head slowly. "Did your mother know about the abuse?"

"I never said anything he said he would kill Steven. I believed him. She knew that he was a monster and I think she knew but she was too afraid to do anything. If he'd told her the sky was pink she would just agree." Elizabeth finished quietly. "She was his victim too."

"When did it stop?" Jason asked working hard to keep his voice level. He'd never been so fucking angry in his life.

"When I ran away from home at fourteen. I couldn't stay there anymore, so I hitchhiked to Port Charles." Elizabeth told him. "I showed up one day on my Gram's door and I begged her to let me stay. I wouldn't tell her why, but something made her say yes. He called a lot and said to send me home. Gram always said no. She told him to stay away, but eventually he came to Port Charles to get me and they had a big fight. Steven was there and he threatened to kill our stepfather. I was hiding in my room too afraid to come down."

Jason felt his anger morph into rage. A rage unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. A rage so deep he was literally seeing red. He wanted to find the son of a bitch and kill him with his bare hands. Jason had figured that it was going to be bad, but not this. Never this. It made what he felt for Kiefer look like mild annoyance.

Jason slid slowly closer to Ella, stopping when she flinched. He knew that the reaction was involuntary, but it still gave him pause. He wanted her to acknowledge him by looking up. The entire time she spoke she had looked down and had her arms wrapped tightly around her. He had barely been able to keep his hands to himself as he promised to do. But now he needed to hold her desperately. "Baby can I hold you now?" Jason asked as he held out his arms to her and waited.

Elizabeth had been sure that he would be completely disgusted with her when she was finished; instead he opened his arms offering comfort. It may just be pity, but right now she just didn't care. Right now she just wanted to feel safe, if only for a little while. So when Jason opened his arms she went to him. She didn't even think about it she simply crawled into his lap then wrapped her arms around him.

Jason gathered her to him as gently as he could. He needed to be careful since his emotions were in such turmoil. He could very easily unintentionally hurt her. She felt so fragile, as she trembled in his arms. He knew that she was holding her emotions in. It was her way to cope, her default for dealing with painful things. He placed a soft kiss on her hair as he settled her more firmly in his lap. Ella's head naturally came to rest on his shoulder. "Let it out baby. I've got you and I'm not going anywhere." He urged rocking them both.

She started to sob. Knowing she need this he tightened his grip and held on and let his own tears come.

Elizabeth had no idea how long she had been crying. She had years' worth of suppressed pain inside. No doubt that this had helped, but she suspected that there were many more tears to come. At this moment she just felt drained, she wanted to stay right where she was.

She became aware of a couple of things in rapid succession. The first was that she was clutching a hand full of Jason's shirt in her fist. Almost as if she where anchoring him to the spot. The second thing she became aware of was the fact that for the first time since her life had spiraled out of control she felt completely safe. A part of her was convinced that one day her stepfather would show up again. She relaxed her body and sagged against Jason's greater strength. "Jason." Elizabeth said softly.

"Yeah baby?" He answered.

"Are you all right?" When she had finally relaxed against him she became aware of a fine trembling running throughout her body. She assumed it was her and set about using the relaxation technique that Gail had given her during one of their earlier sessions. After her third go round she became aware that it was Jason who was shaking not her.

"Isn't that supposed to be my question to you?" He asked as ran his hand slowly up then back down the length of her spine.

"You're trembling." She pointed out.

Jason slouched further down, shifting Ella slightly then dropped his head back to rest on the couch. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in then slowly exhaled. He loosened his grip slightly which Elizabeth took to be her cue to get off of him. At her movement he tightened his grip once more. "Where are you going?" He asked opening his eyes. He wasn't sure he could handle having out of his arms. He needed her as close as she would allow.

"I must be making you uncomfortable." Elizabeth answered.

"You're joking right? You're fine right where you are. Unless you want you move." It occurred to him that being so close might make her uncomfortable. Jason hoped not because he didn't want to let her go. He waited and instead of answering she leaned back into him. With her snuggled up to him he tried to relax.

"Um Jason…you're still trembling." She pointed out again.

Jason knew that he needed to calm down. He didn't want her worried about him but he suspected that calm was not going to happen. At least not right now. "I'm angry." Which was a vast understatement. Under his rage however he was also feeling a sense of helplessness. He knew that he could never completely take Ella's pain away. He could make her happy and love her with everything in him, but the memories of what that bastard had done to her would always be in her mind.

Jason would give just about everything he had for ten minutes alone with her stepfather. He would show the asshole just what happened when he took on an opponent of equal size. He wanted revenge, but he needed to be smart about it. With him now officially retired he had to be careful and smart about how he handled this. But he already knew he would make sure payment was issued before they left for Italy. Ella's question brought him back to the present.

"Are you angry at me?" She couldn't bring herself to look at Jason.

"Why would you think that baby?" He asked as he once again brushed his lips softly across her hair.

Every time Jason spoke she felt the rumble of it in his chest. She loved being here in his arms. "Because I didn't tell you sooner."

"I'm not angry with you. And as for not telling me sooner I completely understand. You weren't ready. Do you need anything?" Jason gently lifted Elizabeth's face and cupped it with both his hands. "Do you want anything?" He saw the emotions swirling in her eyes before she closed herself off again. "No Ella, don't hide from me. What is it you need?" He asked gently.

Elizabeth thought of the shower at home in their bedroom. She felt a desperate need for hot water. She felt dirty. She always felt dirty when she thought of her childhood. "Could we…." She paused to gather her thoughts.

"Go ahead baby ask. If I have it or can get it, it's yours." He told her. "Whatever you want."

"I want to go home and take a shower." The tears started again and her voice shook."I want to feel clean."

"Okay, come on." Jason wanted to cry again as he picked his girl up. Looking over he saw Dr. Baldwin, he'd completely forgotten she was there. "We need to go home." He told her.

"I completely understand." She was heading home as well. Despite all her training Gail had been unable to retain her professional detachment listening to Elizabeth talk about being so badly abused as a small child. This was her best friend's granddaughter, and a young woman she thought of as family. That connection made it so much harder to bear witness to Elizabeth's pain. "She can call me if she needs to talk."

"Thank you." Jason told her before he walked out of the office.

When Jason stepped into the reception area with Ms. Webber in his arms Cody could tell it had been bad. He didn't say a word but just followed them to the elevator. He drove them back to the Towers and when they reached Elizabeth's apartment he turned to his boss. "If you need anything call me, I'll get it so you don't have to leave her."

Jason simply nodded and stepped inside.

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