Chapter 35: What Have I Done?

Muffled sounds filled her ears as she remained in the darkness. Angry growls, desperate shouts, and tragic sobs echoed in what felt like a vast space of nothing. But there were no words, only frantic emotions demanding to be heard.

Slowly the darkness opened up to a bleary fog world where sounds once again formed into words. Samantha couldn't understand everything but she recognized Remus' voice. At his agonizing tone she forced herself to gain some sort of clarity.

She blinked forcefully at the blurry world, trying to make sense of his words. It took a moment to understand, but he was arguing and shouting while Sirius and James kept even reassuring tones. Remus wanted to take her to a hospital.

Hospital would be bad, she thought. She turned her head as her vision cleared and realized she was back in Peter's kitchen, lying on top of their long dining table. laying on a The table was laden with soft fluffy comforters and a goose down pillow with a quilted blanket on top.

"How can you tell me to calm down? How can I after what I did? I killed them! I killed them! They're dead. Don't tell me I didn't, I remember!" Remus' voice was frantic and uneven tainted with sobs. "And Samantha, what I did … I-"

"Everything is going to be okay, we're going to take care of everything." James tried to reassure him. "Aren't we Sirius?"

Remus began shouting at them with his cracked voice. "Let me see her then. Don't touch me! She's dead isn't she? I killed her and that's why you won't let me see her. What have I done … what have I done?!"

"Shut up will you, she's not dead!" Sirius shouted back.

"Would you both stop damn yelling? She said Sam needs to rest!" James growled back quite loudly.

Remus continued undeterred by James. "She shouldn't be resting here. She needs to be in a hospital, she has to. She'll die, please don't let her die. Not because of me … James how could you let him stop you? Is this revenge on me Sirius? Take it out on me, not her!"

"Shut. Up. If I didn't stop James when I did they would have killed her by accident." Sirius whispered loudly.

"That makes no sense. James you know it makes no sense, we have to take her. I don't care what happens to me. I don't care if they find out I'm a werewolf."

"I thought it was crazy too, but Sirius was right. Samantha's … she's different. The cuts needed to be treated differently. I promise if you calm down I will take you see her. Calm down."

"Ya, listen, I'm Sirius."

"Shut the hell up you moron. This is so not the time for that." James yelled followed by a loud smack.

"Right, right. Sam's all patched up and will be like almost new in a few hours. The woman I brought is an expert on stuff like this. She's done this before."

"She'll really be okay?"

"Didn't I say that already! I'm not trying to damn kill her to get back at you! She's just a friend to me … that's all." Sirius choked out.

"I don't believe you!" Remus retorted.

"Knock it off you two. Now that Sam is fine we have another problem to deal with. As soon as they come back we have to deal with the bodies, no one can find out what happened tonight." James commanded and probably trying to change the subject.

"But …"

"Remus listen, Lily and that Veela woman, Aria, don't know about our little dead troop of Death Eaters out there."

"But –"

"No! I am not going to let your life be destroyed, especially not by them. If you didn't step in when you did that monster, the real monster, would have killed her." James insisted with a touch of finality in tone.

"He's right," Sirius added. "It was that damn Death Eater or her. There was no other way. Everything's going to be alright."

"Nothing's alright. I believed you Sirius. I believed you when you said everything would be ok at the beginning. Everything is far from okay. Stop trying to shush me!"

James raised his voice again. "He's right Remus. I would have done the same thing, even without the whole furry part. You had to do it. To save her life you had to."

"No, no one has to kill someone else. It's not right, it can't be right. It just can't!"

As they spoke Samantha slowly stepped off the table, careful with each step and walked gingerly to the partly opened door. The light streaming from the living room frightened her. James knew. But Remus … he didn't. It was still up to her.

Her hand shook as her finger tips grazed the door still unsure of herself. But Remus' choked voice tore through her heart and she pushed the door wide open revealing her presence to the three boys on the other side. There was no going back now.

Before she could utter a word or change her mind and dart out the back door they saw her. Remus lifted his head away from his hands as he sat crouched down on the floor against the wall. He looked exhausted but in a flash he was on his feet quickly closing the distance between them.

"Samantha, I'm so sorry. I never meant- I …" He placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her temple. "What have I done? What have I done to you? I …"

"Remus," She clasped onto his wrists trying to calm him down. "I'm going to be okay."

"No … No! That's just it; you're never going to be okay." Remus backed away from her touch as if she was a hot coal. He paced the room holding on to the sides of his head. "I ruined your life! This is my fault. I should have stayed away. I should have-"

Watching him break down made her eyes water and she rushed toward him and embraced him trying to dissipate both their pain in the process. "I'm fine I promise. I won't turn into a werewolf. Remus."

He was shaking his head in disbelief. "No, even scratches have –"

"Remus, you need to let her talk." James talked slowly as he walked away from Sirius who was now in the corner of the room looking out through a small opening in the curtains.

Samantha held up her hand toward Remus then lifted the bottom of her shirt up ripping off the blood soaked bandages.

Remus' contorted from fear, to stunned, and finally to utter bewilderment. Her now exposed stomach showed the nearly healed wound where bright red streaks replaced the once grizzly open gashes that tore into her belly.

A deafening silence filled the room. Samantha slowly lowered her shirt not sure if there was anything she could say to her broken boyfriend. Her gaze shifted over to Sirius who was still gazing emotionlessly out the window. She blinked rapidly feeling desperate for help that wasn't coming.

As her eyes shifted back to Remus he turned to see exactly which of the two she was seeking help from. Looking at Sirius he gulped hard and turned back to her with narrowed eyes.

"I –I can't … There won't be any side effects. Even if you bit me I wouldn't be able to turn into a werewolf." The words came out quietly and strained. He fought the urge not to let her gaze drift back to Sirius.

"That's …" Remus shook his head running a shaking hand through his chaotic hair.

"I can't because …. I'm half veela. That's why Sirius didn't want you to take me to the hospital and brought a full veela here instead to treat me. Normal healing potions … won't always work …"

She stood deathly still holding her breath as she watched Remus' reaction carefully. They all were.

He closed his eyes and took a deep shaky breath. As he opened his eyes his expression was a mix of hurt and betrayal. His eyes held locked on hers then her chest clenched painfully as Remus turned his head to look back at Sirius who kept his gaze locked on the floor.

Remus brought his hands to his head with his elbows high in the air as he stared up at the ceiling. He looked as if he was holding his breath or getting ready to yell. They all cringed waiting for him to explode. Instead he lowered his arms, holding it all in.

Remus took a few steps back so that both Samantha and Sirius were in his line of vision. "You are all …" The words seethed through his clenched teeth.

He groaned and brought his hand back to his face. He held the pose for an agonizing minute. Samantha and Sirius both held their tongues waiting for him to burst.

Remus brought his arms down his hands slowly uncovering his face, "I'm leaving."

His simple flat statement caught Samantha off guard.

James stepped forward taking long strides reaching for Remus' arm but he was quickly shrugged off with a menacing glare.

"Remus, please …" James pleaded.

Without looking back Remus walked calmly across the room, opened the door, and slammed it behind him. Through the partially opened window they could see Remus as he shoved his hands in his pockets and kept walking disappearing into the darkness.

"He'll be back." Sirius said with a not so convincing look on his face as his eyes dashed between the window and Samantha.

James walked over to Samantha ignoring what had just happened. "Come on, you need to lie down and get some sleep."

Sirius came up behind him with a look of guilt washed over him as he stared at Samantha with sad eyes. She didn't respond but stood there looking at the front door.

James herded her to a down stairs guest room and helped her get into bed while Sirius lingered in the background before leaving at the sound of someone entering the living room. For one blissful second she thought that Remus had come back but the air filled with Peter's voice and another woman. The Veela that Sirius had brought, his father knew her somehow but they both refused to go into details as far as she could tell from over hearing their conversations. She lay back down not paying attention to James' words as they flowed over her.

Remus didn't come back.

But Lily did.

Eventually, not that there was someone to watch over her James gave Sirius a knowing look. Sirius excused himself muttering something to Aria. He gave James one last look. Samantha saw his face clearly. His face was so overtaken by a mix of emotions but one was prominently clear, determination. As he left she knew he wasn't okay with what he was about to do, but his resolve was unwavering.

Time blurred, moving at an uneven rate for Samantha; but almost immediately after Sirius soon disappeared from her life. James visited often with Lily. Then, she wasn't sure exactly when it happened, but they changed too. Samantha figured Lily finally saw James in a way she never saw before; the loyal dedicated side of him with the ability to actually be tender. But soon they too disappeared. She didn't blame them. She had fallen back into the black void she had crawled out of allowing her escape from the Ministry.

Eventually after surprisingly being able to keep everything a secret with no one none the wiser about the truth behind her and Remus' fallout she found herself alone on in a stale compartment on the Hogwarts Express. However, she did have a sneaking suspicion that Dumbledore had at least pieced some of the puzzle together. Hector's demeanor took on a smug 'I told you so' expression. But she considered the sympathy from everyone else the most unbearable.

The grinding sound of the door sliding open caught her attention. She quickly lifted her foot up on the handle making it stop in its tracks.

"Would you stop trying to scare everyone away, open the damn door!" Sirius voice growled through the door.

This only encouraged her to push harder against the handle pushing it back shut as Sirius struggled to open it before slamming it wide open knocking her foot aside. He stood brooding and narrowed his eyes as he slid the door closed. He sat opposite of her slouched with his arms crossed as he watched her stare blankly out the window.

The train whistle blew and with a lurch of the train they were off chugging back to Hogwarts.

The door again began to slowly slide open.

"Out!" Sirius barked and the door quickly slammed shut.

There was more uneasy silence. He was trying to get her to speak first but she was having none of that.

"Forget him."

Samantha looked at him startled, "What?"

"Forget him. If he's too stupid to at least come and talk to you or even try to see your point of view, then screw him." Sirius scrunched his nose pausing then added, "Not literally."

She blinked then gave him a suspicious look.

"I'm not trying to trick you."

Sirius suddenly looked uneasy as he wrung his hands together in his lap fidgeting in a very un-Sirius fashion.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Fine, you said your piece. You can go and not worry about seeing me sulking around."

His eyes widened at her words, "Why would you-" He paused again leaning back straight in his seat. "You think I'd choose Remus over you."

"You're his friend."

"And I'm not your friend?"

Samantha looked back at him with ferocious eyes, a bit startled to see his hurt expression before he took his turn to stare out the window. She looked down at her crossed arms with nothing but the hum of the train filling the compartment.

Unable to bear the silence she looked back up at him to see him looking at her. For a brief moment she saw a familiar look on his face but couldn't quite place it.

"I'm going to go get changed." He stood and paused at the door. "He isn't the only damn person in the world." He reached for the handle and yanked the door open and slammed it shut, leaving her to her own self-defeating thoughts.

A/N: So, I hope I was able to get everyone's feelings across on this one without throwing it at your face.

I've already started writing the next chapter. This one might take a while (2-3weeks?) since I need a lot to happen in one chapter with out making it too horribly long. After that there will be an epilog of sorts in Remus' POV and THAT'S IT!

Yup, this story is coming to a close.

I've been toying with an out line for the sequel but I want to see what you guys think.

Billions of happy thoughts to all of you brave souls who have made it this far. I really would have never finished this story if it wasn't for every single one of you. You're amazing, remember that.