Okay guys I need to get something off of my chest. The past couple of weeks I have been battling a serious bout of anxiety and depression. Writing this story has given me the chance to safely express those feelings through Spencer and Ashleigh. That being said, I want to apologize for allowing it to get this dark. I am starting the process now of healing them and bringing them out of the darkness, rebuilding trust, etc.
I just thought I needed something to show you guys that Spencer is still in there and fighting to get back to himself, just as I am. I hope this chapter shows you guys that! Please review!
Chapter Thirty Five
When I walk through the door I go straight to the closet and pull out one of his shirts for the first time in a week. It's one that he wore for a couple of hours and hung back up. I wrap it around myself like a safety net and when I go to take my jeans off, his note falls out. I had almost forgotten it. It's not a note at all. It's a small envelope that's been rolled up to fit in your hand without being seen. I unroll it and find my name scrawled across the front in his handwriting. I take a deep breath and curl up on the couch before opening it.
Ashleigh,
Part of the process is acknowledging my own wrongdoings and making amends with those that I've hurt. I realize that I need to start with you. I have damaged our relationship and broken the trust you have in me, for that I am sorry. I beg for your forgiveness. I know that it won't happen overnight, but I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that you will be mine again. All mine.
I think back as the drugs leave my system and I am disgusted in myself. My actions are inexcusable. I swear to you that I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I want to thank you for being my rock, my shoulder, my God given solace. You are the most amazing woman in the world. You are kind, loyal, and way more compassionate than I deserve. I know now how bad I've fucked up. I know that you don't have to give me another chance. But I'm begging you. Please don't give up on me. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. I want to have children with you. I want to buy a house with you. I want to create a life together. I want you to check me, double check me for honesty. I swear I haven't not taken so much as a Tylenol. And I won't. I will never take any type of pain medication whatsoever if I can get you back. I know you never ended it to the first place, but I can feel you drifting and pulling away from me. Part of the reason I went away was to give you some space. I know you need it. But please don't shut me out. You are the love of my life and There isn't a doubt in my mind that I would die without you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Please believe me. I know I am rambling. I know I am repetitive. But I just needed to tell you how I feel and apologize. My heart is shattered and I am so remorseful and regret everything I put you through. I love you. I'll call you tonight. I love you. So much. Please never forget that.
Love,
Spencer
Tears spill across my cheeks as I hold his letter close to my chest and lay down on the couch, letting my sorrow consume me. It's bittersweet. This letter is MY Spencer. HE wrote it. Which means that he is still in there.