The challenge

On the floor, lying contorted on a board of twister, were both the queen and her sister, with beatific smiles on their powdered faces. The queen's red wig was fashioned in such a way it towered high on her head, and upon this mass was seated a beaded crown. Despite her visage not being of the youngest nature, she carried herself well with her scintillating eyes and rosy lips.

'Ah! Burgette! How thrilled we are to see you! What good tidings do you bring?' her voice broke out in a grave but nonetheless feminine tone.

Burgette giggled, again. 'I bring you fairies! They wish to speak to the king and─'

'The king! Why does every visitor always want to speak to that boar of a man!' the queen exclaimed, straightening up on both feet, causing her sister to capsize and hit the ground with a loud thud, which was even louder to tiny Harlette's ears.

'Ow, watch it, Aggie!' the queen's sister complained, rubbing her soar bottom lost in the many skirts forming her gown.

Aggie dismissed her sister's comment with a wave of her manicured hands. 'Important royal meeting going on now! Annys go whine elsewhere!'

Annys muttered insults under her breath.

'Burgette, where are those strangers?' Aggie, the queen, asked, her heavy gown swaying like a pendulum as she drew closer to the village idiot.

'Here, in my pocket,' Burgette replied.

Aggie fell silent and grew suspicious, and before she could remind Burgette of her sheer stupidity, the 'fake fairies' were placed delicately on the floor at her feet.

The queen squinted and, pulling out a pair of large spectacles, shoved those up her scrunching nose. She grimaced.

'You are right. Those are definitely not fairies. They've got no wings!'

'We are not fairies,' Thranduil agreed impatiently.

'And what are you then, man?' Aggie uttered disdainfully at the sight of a male.

'Visitors in need of answers,' was the elf's curt reply. The vision of that clownish royalty caused Thranduil's patience to melt like snow under sunlight.

'Answers? Well, I can't answer anything till you take up a challenge,' Aggie responded casually.

Thranduil gritted his teeth, and his eyes turned black. Harlette, Goldie and Bernard drew back at the sight of the irate elf.

'A challenge?' Thranduil echoed questioningly.

'To hell with that! We are solely looking for explanations. Just give them to us and we'll be on our way,' Harlette interrupted boorishly.

'How dare you raise your voice to me, girl!' the queen let out crossly. Harlette stepped back timidly, her back against Thranduil's chest. Aggie strong voice carried on: 'The queen answers to no one before the test is passed. That is the rule!'

Annys chuckled. Aggie whirled to her sister and asked her about the reason of her sudden amusement. 'A test? Really? You just made up that rule up now, love. Just admit it, you are bored and in need of distraction,' the queen's sister whispered laughingly.

'Who gives a damn! I'm queen! I do whatever I want!' Angie yelled, the crown atop her wig quivering. 'Anyway,' her voice softened. 'A challenge is perfect, for you must deserve a woman's attention,' she said victoriously.

'That's true!' Annys agreed, snapping her fingers and winking.

Aggie turned to the miniature. 'If you want my answers, my attention, then you must deserve it, and thus must pass the test. That is the new rule.'

'I'm out of here! This story is too crazy for me,' Harlette confessed and turned to leave, but a huge foot blocked her way – it was Burgette's.

'I'm sorry, little one, but none leave here till I say so,' the queen leered.

Thranduil was livid. 'Pray tell me what must I do to earn your attention?'

The queen began to laugh, a laugh so grave and hearty it sent the chandeliers shivering and the dogs yammering.

'This is no challenge for you, useless man! Men are utter fools and could never make an effort to earn my attention!' The queen dismissed at last.

Thranduil smiled. 'You might be surprised.'

'Men are too busy reveling in their own masculinity which dictates them to worry only about shagging and drinking!' The queen exclaimed with a flourish of her hand.

'That's so right!' supplemented Harlette all of a sudden, much to her companion's anguish. The queen beamed at the romantic novelist; indeed, great minds thought alike!

'Men never make any effort for women. They don't want to marry, but they still expect to get all the privileges!' Harlette complained, arms crossed over her chest.

'Men are swine indeed!' the queen agreed, much to Thranduil abomination. Goldie and Bernard chose to stay out of that discussion.

Aggie clapped heartily. 'I like you, little girl! And because of that, you will be the one to face the challenge!'

Harlette nodded contently. 'Yes, yes, I─' she stopped herself. 'Wait, what? You mean, I must take up the challenge…as in…me?'

Thranduil gazed at Harlette, and somehow, despite the situation being a desperate one, he could not help but smile evilly, his eyes fluttering innocently in her direction.

'Yes of course, you. You are in Girly. You are a woman, and by the look of things you are very bright indeed and will overcome the challenge quite easily, I'm sure. If you survive it, all questions you have will be answered. And who knows, we could throw a party!' replied the queen hideously gleeful.

'Survive...' echoed Harlette. Thranduil glared at her, 'see where your idiocy gets you,' he seemed to say.

'Can't he take up the challenge?!' Harlette pointed at Thranduil who crossed his arms over his chest and said through a snicker: 'I'm sorry, but I fear I am too frail for such a task which requires the brave soul of a romantic novelist.'

Harlette manifested her discontentment and insisted on having the elf go through the challenge in her stead.

The queen replied immediately: 'You are in Girly, my dear. A man taking up a challenge is unthinkable!'

'But...but...I'm not at all─'

'What will come to pass if she should fail the test?' Thranduil asked gingerly.

'You all die.'

The poodles in the room all licked their lips hungrily.

Goldie paled. 'Woahh, hold on a second! I got nothing to do with them feckers! I'm the golden hen, I lay golden eggs,' Goldie argued. 'Coward,' muttered Bernard.

'Not anymore, you don't, guardian,' the queen sniggered.

'Why can't Bernard take up the challenge?!' Harlette suggested much to Bernard's horror. 'After all, she's all woman, every day of the week!'

The queen's purple lashes fluttered dementedly. 'Bernard? Bernard! A female bearing a male's name is a traitor and letting a traitor take part in the challenge is unthinkable!'

'What about Goldie, the golden hen who lays no more golden eggs?' Bernard's lips curled up in a vicious sneer.

Goldie flapped her wings over Bernard's face, chiding her for having such an idea.

The queen dismissed this prospect straight away. 'A hen? Lunch material is not allowed to participate in any form of challenges. That is unthinkable; one simply cannot play with food, that is the rule!'

'Excuse me?' Goldie choked, feeling vulnerable and insulted.

Before the queen could react to Goldie's manifestation of shock, Thranduil raised a question: 'What exactly is the challenge?'

The giant queen shrugged. 'The girl is to save you.'

'I beg your pardon?' Thranduil said in utter bewilderment and through a sputtered laugh.

'You heard me, man; you will be the one to be rescued by her. The exact nature of the challenge is yet to be decided, and for this, both men and women of far-Flunga are to be present. We must issue a letter to the men, and we must wait for them. In the meantime, you will be shown to the waiting room, and then you will be taken to the common room, where the you will told of the challenge. '

'But wait!' Harlette emitted in a gush. 'He is king of Mirkwood! You can't do this to us!'

'Mirk-what?' Aggie said condescendingly. 'I'm sorry, but you are in Far-Flunga, not in Mirkland. So I suggest you all bow down to my decision or I'll declare war on Mirkland and have it trampled on by Burgette's smelly feet.'

Burgette haw-hawed, and so did the queen, and her sister and the poodles.

'This challenge will make corpses of us all,' the elf thought, his eyes lingering upon the human romantic novelist.