Season 4, Episode 4: The Voltron Show! (aka Bradley needs a raise and I shouldn't be starting to ship my fucking OC with Alfor)

How...did this end up being...the second longest chapter in the fic. Holy shit.

Kinda-sorta-poll at the end of this chapter!

Behind the Scenes

"Sir," Bradley started.

"Don't."

Bradley pursed his lips. "Sir, this episode's script-"

"I am...very aware Bradley."

"Shall I get you the aspirin in advance, sir?"

"You're getting a raise, Bradley."

"The green clusters you see here, here, and here represent planets and in some cases entire sol-blah blah blah. Nope," Shiro chuckled. "Said that one too fast."

"This isn't even factually accurate!" Pidge protested.

"Well this is the LEGEND of Voltron, not the Documentary of Voltron," Coran scoffed. "Speaking of which, Allura, you'll be playing Keith."

Allura groaned and made a face, and Lance rolled his eyes back to hers, a tiny smirk on his face. "Hey babe. Back so soon?"

"If you try anything-" Allura teased.

"Nope. Shiro's bicep can rip me in half with one squeeze."

"...thank you?"

"Besides, playing Keith is easy. Just act really moody!"

"Hmm," Allura growled.

"There! You've done it! Right Lance?"

Lance gave a small grin. "Pretty much, yeah."

Behind the Scenes

"All right, what's up?" Shiro demanded.

Lance looked up from the snack table, where he was picking up his donut that the crew had brought him. "What?"

Shiro moved to stand next to him, grabbing his own donut. "Talk to me," he said softly. "Keith called yesterday crying, said he ruined things, and now you're in there not joking around about Allura having to pretend to play him. What happened?"

Lance winced and set his donut back down, suddenly not hungry anymore. "I don't really want to talk about it Shiro."

"Lance, whatever happened, I-"

"Please," Lance whispered, his fingers curling into his palms and his shoulders hunching. His breath caught. "I really...really don't want to have to explain to makeup why they have to do my face again."

There was a long pause, and then Shiro settled his hand on Lance's back. "Okay, buddy. But we're going out for coffee after this and talking, okay?"

Lance sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

"I will...save the princess...even if it means taking on the Galra empire with my bare...hand." Shiro sighed and rolled his eyes.

"You won't have to do it uh...alone, because you'll have me. Hunk."

"And me. Pidge."

"And me! Lance. Holds Bayard dashingl- oh!"

"And me...Keith."

"Thank you, team, for always being by my side. Through thick or thin. Uh...Now come along, together we'll-"

"Defeat Zarkon!"

Coran slid in on his knees, wearing a bad wig. "My heroes!"

"Cut!"

"Who wrote those lines? Like I know they're supposed to be bad but yeesh," Pidge muttered.

Bradley frowned. "I thought they were just bad enough."

"You did wonderfully, Bradley," Alfor reassured him.

"They seep! While you sleep! The price is 12,000 GAK."

Coran scowled. "Would you take a used left shoe?"

"I'll accept the yellow Voltron Bayard."

"How about 14 nose hairs?"

"I'll take your left arm plated in luxite!"

"A firm handshake and a pat on the back then?"

"I get to ride on your shoulders for one decophebe!"

"WELL HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU SIX HUNDRED GAK AND DON'T TELL THE STAFF YOU'RE RUNNING AN UNLICENSED SWAP SHOP IN AN INTERGALACTIC HOSPITAL?"

"DEAL!"

"Cut!"

"How do you IMPROV that?" Hunk wheezed.

Coran and the merchant high fived. "Practice!"

"That last show was pretty lame," Lance admitted. He paused, furrowing his eyebrows. "I don't know if you're cut out to be...I'm sorry, I wouldn't actually say that to Coran in show."

Alfor hesitated, glancing up in surprise. "What?"

Lance shuffled his feet. "I wouldn't actually be that mean to Coran. My character."

"Lance, it's a script."

Coran settled a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Lance. It doesn't bother me."

Lance sighed, slumping. "Fine."

Behind the Scenes

"Lance?"

Lance glanced up from where he was getting his makeup touched up for the next scene. Alfor hovered over him, hands tucked in his pockets and brows drawn together. "Yes sir?"

"Are you all right?"

Lance blinked. "What?"

Alfor shifted, pulling his hands out of his pockets and crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not like you to contradict your lines in that manner."

Lance shrugged, looking back to the mirror. "I'm fine."

Alfor pressed his lips together and slumped, running a hand over his beard. "Lance, if-"

"Can everyone just get off my back?" Lance snapped. He jerked away from the makeup artist, making her pause, and slid out of his seat, ripping the cloth from his neck and taking a breath. "Just...let me do my lines and go home."

He stormed off, leaving Alfor and the artist to look at one another nervously. "Bradley?" Alfor called.

Bradley stepped over, eyes flickering between Alfor and Lance's retreating form. "Yes sir?"

"Get me my phone, please."

"I don't know if this place is the best to get our message out to the widest audience," Shiro mused.

"Shirroooo, baby!" Coran drawled. "You're right! And I want what you want man! Why are y'all laughing?"

"What the fuck is that voice?" Hunk wheezed.

"My cowboy voice!"

"Coran, we asked you for a talent agent voice," Donna said, her tone filled with exasperation.

"Listen, it's what the people want, Donna!"

"I would fire you if I could."

Take One

"OH NO. A LASER EYED MONSTER! WE NEED THE PALADINS OF VOLTRON!" Coran shouted.

Shiro and Allura leapt from backstage, flipping and leaping across the stage until landing solidly on the front. Shiro's foot slipped off the edge as he got too close and he yelped, falling into a crowd of pedestrians.

"I'm okay!" he called out.

Take Two

Hunk rolled in from the side, using multiple somersaults to get across the stage, but his momentum carried him too far and he knocked into Pidge, who squawked and fell into Lance as he landed between them, who tumbled over and smacked into Shiro, who fell off the stage once more.

"Are you serious?" he groaned from the floor.

"KEITHINEEDYOURHELP!"

"I'MMONIIITTT!"

"LOOKOUISFIRINISLASERSSSSSS!"

Laughter came from the sidelines, and everyone froze, letting their weapons drop and turning to stare at Alfor, who was cracking up in his seat. "Oh my god we killed my father," Allura whispered.

"Holy shit," Hunk and Pidge said in unison.

Shiro sliced through the robot cleanly, somersaulting off the floor and popping back up onto his knee, once again too close to the edge of the stage. He didn't even try to stop the fall.

"Someone seriously needs to make this thing bigger."

"Bi Boh Bi Bi!"

Hunk spit his water out of his mouth. "Oh my god I was not expecting that," he choked.

Pidge just stared at the long, flexible, stick like object. "How the fuck?"

"Dave is up in the rafters," Alfor explained. "Bi Boh Bi is a puppet."

Everyone looked up and Dave waved down. Lance nearly fell over. "DAVE COULIER?"

"...yes?" Alfor managed.

"HOLY SHIT!"

"TONIGHT. THE PALADINS TAKE ON ZARKON. ON ICE!"

Bi Boh Bi scooted over to the podium, and his headset slid off of his head and onto the floor without warning. The puppet bent at the waist, staring at it, and Dave sighed in the rafters. "Can someone get that for me?"

"Soon you will defeat the paladins, and Voltron will be yours!"

"Not if I have something to say about it!" Hunk shouted, skating in. "Take that Zarkon! Ah!"

His legs slid out from under him and he went flailing into the wall. After a moment, he tilted his chin back to look at Alfor. "Did I forget to mention that I can't skate?"

"Oh no! The witch's magic has counteracted Pidge's math! WHAT are they going to DO?"

"How many pranks did Keith LEAVE?" Pidge grumbled from where she was tied up on the ground.

Alfor pressed his lips together. "That wasn't a prank. I just wanted a genuine reaction."

"I'm quitting."

"No you're not."

"Fine."

"Does anybody else feel kinda stupid right now?" Hunk whispered.

"Yup."

"Totally."

Of course."

"I'd be insane if I didn't."

"You guys!" Alfor whined.

"And last but not least, Shiro the Hero!" Coran shouted. He jumped up and held Shiro's arm into a muscled pose.

Shiro glanced at him, scowling. "Who said that thing earlier about my arms being able to kill someone?"

"Point," Coran chuckled, letting go.

"Zip it, muscles speak louder than words, that's always been my motto!"

"You're holding my arm again, Coran."

"Right."

Behind the Scenes

"Lance...it says here in your profile you took...pole dancing lessons?"

Lance grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, why?"

Alfor tugged on his beard, a twinkle in his eyes. "How do you feel about ribbon dancing?"

"Like...on the ground?"

"Not quite."

Lance descended shakily from the red lion's mouth, twisting his body around the rope he held and curling his legs outward.

"Rrrroow! You're great, Loverboy Lance!"

"Thanks Red."

"Cut! Perfect! Come on down, Lance!"

Lance swallowed and looked down at the ground fifteen feet below him. "No can do."

"Lance, there's a mat."

"No, I mean my harness is stuck."

"Seriously?" Alfor groaned.

"Bi Boh! Bi Boh Bi!"

"I have no idea what Bi Boh Bi is saying," Lance said.

Bi Boh Bi came flying up into his face. "How rude."

Lance yelped and shoved it away, turning to glare at Dave in the rafters. "Seriously? And wait...are these things made out of pool noodles?" he demanded, grabbing at Bi Boh Bi and studying the prop.

Alfor shrugged. "Budget cuts in the props department."

"That explains this whole episode," Hunk muttered.

"I'm so sorry guys. I shouldn't have trusted that strange Unilu," Coran said.

"Don't do drugs, kids," Shiro chuckled.

Behind the Scenes

"Shiro, you didn't have to actually take me out for coffee," Lance grumbled, crossing his arms and staring out the window as they sat in their booth.

Shiro had changed into jeans and a plain white t-shirt, and now he fidgeted with the hem before he spoke. "Lance...did you and Keith break up?"

Lance flinched and drew into himself, wrapping his arms around his torso. "Not technically," he murmured.

"Technically?"

Lance squirmed and looked down at his coffee mug. "We had a fight," he said finally. "Or I guess...I guess not a fight. I'm...I'm just a huge idiot."

"What makes you say that?"

Lance frowned and picked up a spoon, stirring his coffee aimlessly for a moment. It was well blended, didn't need it, but it gave him something to focus on. "I...without him here, I just feel like...like, I don't know. Like I don't...have anyone? And I took it out on him and...shit. God, he probably hates me now, I made him cry, and I snapped at Alfor, and I'm just-"

"Hey."

Shiro had moved to the other side of the booth so that he was sitting next to Lance, his knee lifted up onto the seat so that he was facing him. Shiro put both hands on his shoulders. "Lance. Keith does not hate you. He's terrified that he's going to lose you. Alfor talked to him during filming today."

Lance swallowed, looking up. "What?"

Shiro smiled, a little sad. "He called him. That's why Donna took over for a bit. He wanted to see if something was wrong, and then he talked to me about it later. Lance, I might not have known that you guys were dating for...well, for a long time. But I know my brother, and he loves you to pieces. And I care about both of you. You're clearly beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault. Talk to him. Long distance relationships are hard. And I'm sorry if-"

He paused as the waitress set down their orders, and when she was gone he turned back to Lance. "I'm sorry if we ever made you feel like we don't care about you on set. I know that...with how your character arc is going in the show, that's probably even harder. But we all care about you. You just gotta talk to us."

Lance shuddered, and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. Shiro pulled him in tightly, setting his chin on top of his head, and rubbed his back. "Call Keith tonight, okay? He needs you. His search...isn't going super well, and I think he's starting to give up."

Lance swallowed and nodded, pulling back and frowning. "Okay. Okay, I will. Thanks, Shiro."

"Of course, buddy."

So next chapter...the next episode, or Alfor's phone call to Keith followed by Lance's phone call to Keith? It'll be out either way before Season 7 (!) next week.

:)