Disclaimer: Do you love Twilight? I do too... but I do not own it.

Chapter 37

The rain was beating down on the windows of the Jeep Cherokee. The raindrops fell, one by one, from the sky above onto the glass pane. Their still, quiet thump echoed in the hum of my thoughts. I watched the windshield wipers as they traveled left to right, right to left. I peered at them as if I expected them to break the cycle, knowing that it was impossible. Somehow I held out hope for the impossible. For me, impossible was an oxymoron.

"You know, you spend a lot of time staring at random objects," Jake's voice interrupted my intense thoughts. I guess he made a valid point. When my mind was clogged with too many thoughts I focused on inanimate objects. Just knowing that the world was filled with simplistic randomness somehow eased the enormity of my problems.

"Perceptive," I mumbled.

"Well it's kind of obvious," he said mocking my intense gaze.

I made a fist to hit Jake on the shoulder with, but thought better of it. I'd probably just break my hand. His entire body was rock hard. Dynamite probably wouldn't destruct him. As I released my fist, I was distracted by the glittering rock on my third finger. I had learned that the ring actually belonged to Jacob's mother, and Billy had saved every penny he earned for almost a year to buy it. Jacob's sisters and Billy both agreed to allow Jake to give it to me. Although I was surprised and humbled by their acceptance, I was not deserving of it, or Jacob.

I had promised to marry Jacob. I was crazy, certifiably crazy. Renee had routinely distinguished to me the hazards of marriage, especially marriage at an early age. But, if I wanted to keep Jake in my life, I had to marry him. At least by the time he was twenty-one-It was a werewolf stipulation, and I wasn't in any position to debate. If I wanted Jacob, and I was sure I did, I had to accept the time line. It was a small compromise to make in order to spend my life with Jacob, and yet here I sat with concern and fear.

I stared out the passenger window for what seemed like miles. I watched the beads of rain as they slowly floated into oblivion. I seemed to suffer from internal conflict much like I suffered from lack of coordination.

In just a short while my life would be void of Jacob's sunny presence. Our time together was sacred and I was busy trying to numb my mind, trying not to think about marriage.

"Bells, do you need a stretch break?" he asked mid-yawn.

"I suppose," I answered dryly.

"Next exit, then?"

I nodded, still watching the windshield wipers.

As promised, Jake pulled off the next exit into a gas station. I got out to stretch and made a bee line for the bathroom. On my way back out, Jacob was standing in line to pay the cashier. The sight before me brought a smile to my face. Jacob had gotten very good at attracting female attention. He was, of course, unaware of it. Every girl in the place was gawking at him like a prized piece of meat. I giggled to myself. The girl beside him, about my age and blond, was fighting to get his attention, and he was none the wiser. She finally got courageous enough to bump into him.

"Oh, excuse me," I heard her say delicately, working her lips into a pout. She casually started sipping through the straw of her Big Gulp, and her eyes bore into Jacob. She looked him over once and then again. I moved closer.

"S'okay," he retorted. Not deterred by his obvious disinterest she tried to start a conversation.

"Are you traveling?" she asked. Jacob only nodded without making eye contact, then he moved forward to pay the cashier. The cashier flashed him a big grin and took his money. When he turned to walk out of the store, the persistent blond had inched closer and he bumped into her, spilling her drink in the process. He absorbed most of the liquid and his shirt was sticking to him, making him look that much more appetizing. I was in the aisle behind them laughing hysterically.

Jacob shot me a dark look, only adding to my entertainment. Blondie was mortified. Her face was a bright pink. I knew her dilemma; I had been there many times. Embarrassment was as much a part of my everyday life as breathing or eating. She kept apologizing, rubbing her hand over his wet shirt. Jacob was gracious and kind, never less than a gentleman. I continued with my quiet charade of laughter as I walked out to the truck.

Before Jacob got in he took his shirt off and tossed it the backseat. From the front window I could see blondie's eyes widen as she watched him get into the car, shirtless. I erupted into laughter once again.

"What is wrong with you?" he asked scornfully.

"Nothing. Just, well...nothing," I said still in hysterics.

When Jacob had settled into the driver's seat, I leaned over and gave him a small kiss on the lips.

"I'm very lucky to have you. By the way you were just ogled, I'd say I'm extremely lucky to have snagged you up."

"What are you talking about?" he asked annoyed.

"You're impression on that poor girl. You don't know what kind of effect you have on women."

"Are you jealous?" he asked as we pulled onto the interstate.

"Healthily," I said.

"What does that mean, exactly?"

I leaned over my seat and planted my lips on Jacob's chest. I kissed every visible inch of skin. I grated my teeth along the waist of his jeans, nipping and biting at the skin beneath them. Jacob growled from deep in his chest, only intensifying my urges. "I find you very desirable when I'm jealous."

"Don't make me pull over, Bells."

I quit groping Jacob. I thought it best to avoid any possible accidents. He seemed relieved and rejected all in one motion. I nuzzled my head into his broad shoulder and let the still quiet take over my mind.

My cheery mood dissipated, and soon enough I was back to staring and billowing in my desolate thoughts. I moved my head to rest on my seat. Right to left, left to right

"Bella, are you thinking about us?" Jacob asked, his voice dripping with concern.

"Why do you ask?" I asked shocked. I wasn't fooling him.

"Well you keep twisting your face and biting your lip. You do that when you're worried about something," he informed me.

"Oh. I'm sorry," I apologized.

"No need for an apology, but if something is bothering you, you can tell me."

"I know," I replied.

"Well, spill it already," he scowled impatiently.

"I'm fine. Really," I lied.

I couldn't tell Jacob that I was having second thoughts about marrying him, or second thoughts about marriage in general. I had to figure this out. I didn't want to worry him with all of my incendiary nonsense. I twirled the ring around my finger; I had memorized every line and flaw in the metal. Since Jacob gave it to me, all I could do was stare at it. Although it was only a half-carat, it felt like it weighed a ton on my pale, bony finger.

I was still complacent when we arrived back at my apartment. I couldn't get the key to fit right, I kept struggling with it. I was trying to analyze every aspect of my life. I wanted to be the happy fiancé that Jake needed me to be. But everything seemed so permanent. Where was the spontaneity, the rebellion, the free-falling lack of control? I was nineteen, and I craved all of it. And yet I was absolutely, consummately promised to Jacob. The reality of it all slowly settled into my mind, spiraling me into bouts of anxiety. I let out a heavy sigh before collapsing onto the sofa. I hated having the fight or flight mentality; why couldn't I embrace happiness? I was fortunate to have Jacob, more importantly, a forever commitment to him. So why was I vacillating between extreme happiness and extreme tension? What was I holding onto? Edward, perhaps, but I didn't think so. I was still trying to get the key in the door.

"Here, let me," Jacob insisted. I huffed and moved out of his way.

In a second he had the key in the lock and the door open. My jaw dropped at his svelte movements. And before I could pick it back up, I was being carried through the doorway surrounded by the robust, sinewy muscles of Jacob's arms.

"Jacob Black, what are you doing?" I screamed.

"I'm putting you in a better mood. You've hardly spoken to me since we left La Push. So now, you must pay." He kicked the door behind him closed.

"What exactly do you plan on doing?"

He gently put my feet on the floor and helped me stand straight. I still nearly fell over when he let go of me.

"Wrestling," he smirked.

"Uh, NO! I don't really think so."

"Are you ready to catch the bus? 'Cuz your about to go to school!" He crouched and started circling me with an impish grin on his face.

"No," I said between giggles. On a whim, I charged Jacob, hitting him in the stomach. I bounced back like a ball and ended up in the floor.

"Must you be so hard?" I asked dejectedly.

"Sorry, but I'm pretty sure you like it most of the time." He started flexing his muscles and rubbing his chest. He looked like an ostrich on the verge of mating. I waited for his neck to turn red. He squatted down to meet me at eye level.

"You really are a narcissist," I said sheepishly. I crawled over to him and playfully pushed him back, falling on top of him. Jacob nuzzled my neck and softly kissed me. I really wanted this feeling forever, so why couldn't I acknowledge marrying him? It was just a ceremonial affirmation of what I knew I wanted; what I knew I needed. Why was I being so irrational about it?

"Bella," he whispered, "I have to get going if I'm going to get home at a decent hour."

Jake and I both had school the next day, but I didn't want him to leave. I held out the goodbye as long as I could.

After he left, Jake called every thirty minutes. He missed me as much as I missed him. Jake really did make me happy, but marrying him would be epic. Was I ready for that?

I did a quick clean-up of my already tidy apartment and sat down at the desk to check my email. I smiled at the pictures of me with Jacob. The controversy within me was only tearing me further and further apart. My focus was clouded by my lack of perspective. I responded to an email Renee sent me, keeping it very short. I was glad I didn't have to tell her about my engagement. Jacob wanted to keep it hushed for a little while. Since he was only seventeen, he feared that by announcing our engagement, he might alarm folks on the reservation. He was trying to protect his secret and he certainly didn't need any extra attention being focused on his life. I was relieved, since I still had not accepted the engagement for myself. I was certain I wouldn't be able to sell it as absolute in my current frame of mind. I was staring at the weighty rock on my finger when the phone in my pocket started vibrating. It was Jake.

The next morning, I woke up later than I needed to. I had fifteen minutes to make it to campus for my first class. I hated being rushed for anything. I took one look in the mirror, just to make sure I was actually dressed. Not my best look, but I wasclothed. I looked down again to the diamond on my finger and without really thinking, I pulled the ring off and put in the drawer beside the money Alice gave me. I took in a deep breath. It would be safe there until I could convince myself that I was making the right decision.

I opened the drawer back up, thinking I should be wearing the ring. Jacob gave it to me, I should wear it. It symbolizes my commitment to him, my promise. I looked at it again, shining and gleaming in the morning sun, then I slammed the drawer again. The ring was heavy and I really needed more time. I agreed too hastily. The moment was too beautiful, too perfect. I got lost in it, swept away by Jacob and his charm. He shouldn't take advantage of me; I was defenseless against his charisma. How could I have possibly said no? Why would I even want to say no? Jacob was perfect. But, I wasn't perfect. Damn this indecision! I was entirely confused.

I had some major thinking to do, but I couldn't think now. I was late for class.

End Notes:

Well wouldn't you know Bella would become indecisive and crazy...Review anyway...it will get better.