This is my second chapter for today.
On Sunday, the Wickhams sat next to the Egertons at their pew. Wickham ignored the service almost entirely, so caught up was he in his thoughts about the choice that awaited him. He was pleased to note, however, that after the service Mrs. Egerton made a point of introducing Lydia to other respectable ladies. Most of them were young women, but seemed from at least his first impression of them that they were quite respectable. They had a maturity that Lydia lacked, but were not dull. He noticed, too, that Lydia seemed to be emulating Mrs. Egerton in her decorum, modulating her voice for the setting and choosing more appropriate topics for conversation. Wickham was quite pleased to note such a change. He wondered, not for the first time, whether he should just forgo his wish entirely and stay with Lydia right where he was.
That evening, Wickham called upon Mr. Muckingham to ask him some questions. He summoned him simply by calling silently in his head, "Mr. Muckingham, I would like to speak to you." As before, the met in Wickham's room with it looking just as it always did, but in daylight instead of night.
Mr. Muckingham eagerly inquired, "Have you thought better about not seeing what else your wish can offer?"
"No I have not," Wickham replied. "I simply seek the answers to some questions that have troubled me. Is your name really Mr. Muckingham?"
"My name can be anything I wish it to be." Muck answered. "You can choose to be Mr. Darcy and how well you will sound to be addressed as such. A name does not define a person, but certain names engender more respect."
"But what is it really? Rebecca always calls you 'Muck,'" Wickham persisted.
"I am known as Muck, but in this time and era I prefer Mr. Muckingham."
This answer confirmed for Wickham that Rebecca was the more honest of the two, which of course he should have expected. It also occurred to him that he did not know Muck's true form. Muck had chosen a form to display to him, while Rebecca had let him chose the form he would see in the visions, perhaps so he would know that it was not his real form. Wickham imagined that if demons were merely fallen angels, they should look similar to one another. The only sense, however, that he had gotten that he might have glimpsed Muck's form was a darker darkness in his room, and that might have been merely his imagination. He did not imagine that either Satan or demons were how they were depicted in art. The most familiar images of the former was of a beast, often with horns. Wickham thought these depictions were more to scare people into behaving properly rather than to reflect reality.
He decided that if his thoughts were truly protected during this time as belonging to himself alone that it would not do for him to antagonize Muck by referring to him by that name as he might learn more if Muck thought he was still seriously considering letting Darcy die. While Wickham had not completely rejected making this his wish, it did not hold as much appeal as it might have at one time. He realized, Rebecca's visions have changed me, but whether those changes become permanent or are just a passing aberration is up to me.
"Mr. Muckingham, how is it that in your visions I was able to take the place of myself and act as I desired to do? In the visions Rebecca showed me, I could only observe and not act."
"Things that have occurred in the past, even just a day earlier are fixed until you wish," Muck explained. "Things that will occur in the future may still be molded and in interacting as you did with succulent, sultry Lydia, you did not make any large alteration." Muck calmly lied, providing the most reasonable explanation possible.
"So my interactions with the Lydia of the future were truly with her?"
"Yes," Muck answered. They were in a sense. If Wickham picked the future Muck had offered, all might occur as Muck had shown. However, the reality was that it was Muck that embraced Wickham in the guise of the Lydia that Satan thought Wickham wanted.
Wickham felt a bit reassured and resolved to think on that matter no more. "So I had two different mistresses between when I married Georgiana and when you showed me my future sons?"
"Yes," Muck explained, lying quickly and easily, "while your first mistress was certainly tantalizing and you enjoyed your time with her, by happenstance you met Lydia in London while she was visiting her aunt and uncle. She had no desire to marry an older merchant as her relatives were trying to negotiate and you offered her an alternative arrangement. For a time you had two mistresses set up in two houses, but eventually you decided that was too much trouble and sent off the first with adequate fund to choose a new role in life."
Muck embroidered his explanation in a manner designed to let Wickham see that Wickham was indeed not a bad fellow as he felt that Rebecca had caused Wickham to at least desire the window dressings of respectability. In fact, the idea that Lydia could be Wickham's mistress something Muck came up with spontaneously to combat Wickham's thought that he wished in this new future that Lydia could still be a part of his life.
Muck added, "While you might think that having a mistress is a bit immoral, your passions run to such a high degree that your attentions would be too much for Georgiana if you did not find relief with another. Too, bearing three sons was difficult on her and in this manner you may lessen the likelihood that she become with child for a while, which is a kindness to her and allows her to devote more attention to your sons. She knows you have another lover and it bothers her not in the least."
Muck believed that letting Wickham justify his behavior would make the tale Satan directed more palatable for Wickham, and he was right. Wickham began considering more seriously whether he might want to try for the future that Muck suggested.
"And Lydia, will she not end up with children from me?" Wickham questioned.
"Only if you desire it. There are special teas she takes that lessen the chances of that coming to be. Also, midwives know secrets for keeping a babe from ever quickening. Lydia has no great desire for motherhood."
Wickham was lost for a moment in considering the new life he had been offered anew. It did not seem right, but perhaps he could atone for not risking his neck for the man who hated him for it by performing acts of charity with Pemberley's largess, perhaps funding a foundlings home. Surely that would more than offset any sins he committed.
Wickham thought about little else the next two days. By Wednesday, he had moved on to considering what he should ask of Rebecca and Wednesday evening he called on her to attend them.
As with Muck, she appeared immediately and they seemed to be in Wickham's room.
"May we talk in that forest in Costa Rica again?" Wickham asked, "I should like to see it one final time."
Rebecca nodded and the mist came and went. Wickham could not help but compare how much easier this transition was to that of Muck's visions.
"Is this truly what this place looks like?" Wickham asked.
"Yes," Rebecca responded. "Each time I show you what the rain forest looks like earlier in the day that we visited it. You are fortunate that the rainy season ends in mid-November though of course I could have shown you a day from the previous spring if necessary. While we are here, would you like to see a tapir? One is quite close to here."
"Yes I would," Wickham responded, then following Rebecca a short way. She pointed. Though Wickham rationally knew that there was no need to be quiet, after all they were not really there, he could not help but be silent as he observed the odd creature with dark skin with a bit of fuzzy hair along its spine. It looked to him rather like a pig but for its short elephant style trunk-like nose. It also had rounded ears that reminded him of a bear. The tapir paused and lifted up its nose, sniffing around and moving it in multiple directions This allowed Wickham to see that the underside of its nose was rather pinkish, matching the flesh of its gums around its teeth which were now visible. He then saw the tapir use its nose to grab and tear off some leaves from a nearby tree. He quietly observed it for some time until the tapir ambled off.
"Thank you," he told her, "I have enjoyed the time we have spent here, both today and before."
Rebecca gave him a happy smile. "I am glad you like this place, too," she told him, "God's creation really is a wonder. However, I doubt you called to me simply to experience this particular forest once again."
"You are right," Wickham replied, "but I have enjoyed it nevertheless and will miss seeing it when all of this is over. Though I suppose if I choose the wish that Mr. Muckingham suggests that I might have the funds to visit Costa Rica someday in person."
"That is true," Rebecca responded. Something subtle in Rebecca's expression suggested that she did not like that idea.
"What is bothering you?" Wickham asked.
"I hope you understand that the alternative that Muck has offered you would not necessarily play out the way he has shown you. There are many possible outcomes and permutations of such outcomes if you change everything so drastically. I cannot say that it would not happen the way he has shown you, but it is far from the certainty that he suggested."
She looked sad, "But beyond that, it is a great evil to allow someone to die that you know you could have and did in fact save. His death affects many more than Darcy alone."
She was quiet for a moment and Wickham thought that in that moment she was praying.
After a few moments Rebecca continued, "People as children of God all bear something of his image. At age eleven, you bore it closer than you do now. As it says in Romans 5:7-8, 'For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' You risked dying to save your friend, could very well have died, but instead of accepting the ugliness that followed and forging your path forward despite it, you allowed your anger to fester and rot at your soul. You could only save Darcy's body from the destruction of death, but God can save your soul from the external death of sin."
"Perhaps I do not deserve to be saved. Perhaps all I should have is joy in this life and then receive the punishment due me. If I am going to be condemned in any event, why not enjoy myself to the fullest in the meantime?" Wickham suggested.
"No one deserves salvation," Rebecca responded, "none is perfect save one. Jesus, who though blameless, who 'hath done nothing amiss' was crucified and even as he was crucified and dying said, 'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.' as recorded in Luke 23:41 and 34."
Wickham thought about that a moment. He knew that he was far from blameless, even when but a child. And now, his sins stacked very high indeed.
Rebecca continued, "As explained in Romans 6:23. 'For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.' The disciples of God were weak before Jesus appeared to them after his resurrection, Peter denied him thrice as Jesus foretold. However afterwards they were willing to lay down their lives in preaching the good news and asked forgiveness of those who killed them, like Stephen who as he was being stoned to death called upon Jesus to receive his spirit even while he asked God to not charge those who killed him with burden of that sin as recorded in Acts 7:60. Later, a man who witnessed that event, endorsing it, was converted when his figurative blindness was made literal and then when he could see again, he saw the truth of Christ's message. That was the disciple Paul."
Wickham did not like being preached at, but he did feel a bit of hope that he might not be a completely hopeless cause.
"If I make a wish other than the one Muck wants me to, what should it be?" He asked, curious as to what her suggestions might be.
"That is a decision you will need to make for yourself," she responded. "I believe you know other junctures in your life in which a change might be warranted. I will not suggest what you should wish for as I do not know the full effects of what would occur should you make such a change. However, if your intentions are good and you wish to improve, I am confident you can do so and good effects may be felt broadly. You will never be perfect no matter what you do, but you do not need to be."
"Thank you, Rebecca," Wickham told her. "I appreciated the time we had together, but I think I need time to myself now, to think things through."
She nodded and the mist took him back to his bed.
Later that week, as Wickham reflected on all that he had learned and the different advice that Rebecca had given him earlier. She had been full of advice on many occasions as he recalled, advice that at the time he did his best to ignore. He did not feel like following much of it now, either.
Rebecca told him that he needed to trust in God and rely on His strength as Wickham could not change himself on his own. He remembered specifically she had told him, "When you need wisdom, when you doubt, when you require help in making a decision, seek Him through prayer and the reading of his word. Consult with those that you know follow him. When you do so, Muck's lies will become apparent." She also told him, there were people in his life who have wanted to help him but he typically rejected their help.
It had been shortly after that when Captain Watts and Lieutenant Egerton had approached him about arranging for Lydia to work on mending with Mrs. Egerton. So far, this had been nothing but a grand success and Wickham did feel grateful that Lydia was no longer bored and needing to seek attention during the day in all the wrong places. This had greatly benefited him.
Too, Wickham recalled that Egerton seemed to see straight into his Wickham's own heart. He had told him frankly that he believed Wickham preferred strong drink, gambling and whoring to honest work. He guessed quite accurately that he was paid for the posting by someone in his wife's family and should now take this opportunity as a married man to settle down and work hard. In the last few days, though Wickham had been distracted by the decision he needed to make, he had applied himself and Egerton had seemed pleased with him and how Wickham's performance reflected on him. Egerton had even gone so far as to tell Wickham that if he kept working as he had, that he should be free of Captain Watts particular interest.
Wickham did not know Egerton well, but Egerton had treated him fairly and helped him out tremendously by having his wife take on the responsibility of supervising Lydia and educating her in wifely skills. The Egertons had been generous in each day in sending Lydia home with a proper dinner for the two of them.
Wickham thought, Perhaps, Egerton is one whose advice I should seek. From what he could gather, Egerton took church and God seriously. Wickham had never had many friends. In the militia and elsewhere there were people who may have thought of Wickham as their friend, such as Denny, but Wickham always held something back, never told them what was in his heart or his true plans. Instead he enjoyed their company and looked for ways to exploit their friendship while he had it. Perhaps Egerton as his superior could not be one, but Wickham resolved he should see whether he might not learn something from him by seeking his advice and being honest with him. He could not help but long for a true friend, as Darcy had with Mr. Bingley.
The next morning Wickham asked Egerton if he might not have time to give Wickham advice later. Egerton considered for a moment and said, "I will send word to my wife that I have invited you and Lydia to stay for dinner tonight and you have accepted. We can then have some time to talk to each other afterwards."
That evening, instead of taking Lydia home Wickham arrived for dinner. Lydia was in a good mood. She told him, "It will be ever so nice to talk with the Egertons and later Mrs. Egerton without having to work. It was fun to cook a grand dinner with her, as well."
Wickham, who had barely talked to Mrs. Egerton earlier, found her to be a good hostess and set a fine table. Of course he had already sampled her cooking previously, but she had cooked a more elaborate meal for them to share. The two little girls joined their table and it was a merry party and Wickham enjoyed himself. He had almost forgotten the purpose of the visit when the meal ended and Egerton suggested they keep with the tradition of the separation of the sexes for the evening. Neither Lydia nor Mrs. Egerton had the slightest objection and were already animatedly talking when the men exited.
"What is it that you want advice on Wickham?" Egerton lost no time in getting to the point. This was the way he was when they worked during the day. Wickham liked his no-nonsense approach and that he did not believe in prettying things up.
"I want to change, I am trying to change, to be a better man, the husband my wife deserves, but it is harder than I anticipated. Someone has suggested that I need to rely on God to help me change, but I am not sure that I want to do that," Wickham confessed. "I am so used to acting just as I want to without any consideration for others that it is strange to be burdened with a wife and responsibilities that I cannot just walk away from on a whim."
"Change is not easy," Egerton acknowledged, "and your friend is right that you cannot do it alone. Relying on God is helpful, but relying on other people is helpful as well."
"I am grateful for all you and your wife have done by taking on responsibility for Lydia during the day. I have already seen many positive changes in her. It seems that it may be easier for her to change than for me to do the same."
"Lydia is not a bad sort," Egerton told him, "she just needs guidance and to mature. She is not too proud to work. She can be an asset to you. I am already thinking that we may have gotten the better part of the bargain, though the meals my wife has been sending home with her are probably equivalent to what her wages for mending would be. But my wife has grown fond of her and her society is certainly welcome."
Egerton considered further before he added, "I am happy to take on a similar role for you, Wickham. I want you to succeed. If you will let me, I will try to give you sound advice if I think you need it and you should feel free to ask for it. Is there anything in particular troubling you right now?"
Wickham wanted to share with Egerton, but he knew it would sound as if he was insane and should be bound for Bedlam if he told him about his adventures with Rebecca and Muck. So instead he said, "I have been struggling with a bit of a moral dilemma. I have been offered an opportunity to change my life which could benefit me greatly, but would be harmful to others. However, no one but myself would ever know what I had done."
Wickham planned to say more on the topic, but Egerton responded without needing to reflect.
"The fact that you consider it a dilemma shows that God has already been speaking to you. If you had no conscience, you would not see it as a dilemma. You know what is right. Just because a sin is hidden, does not mean that it is not a sin. You know what you should do."
"You are right," Wickham told him.
They then talked about other things. When they were walking back to rejoin the ladies, Egerton patted him on the shoulder and said, "I have faith in you that you can make the right choices and will do so. I am here if you need me and I am glad you sought me out to guide you."
Wickham felt more at peace that night.