A/N: I want to take some time here to explain a few things...but AtanaM's review sums up my views on this subject so perfectly, I'll just copy and paste it:

"For chapter 36. I think people keep forgetting that the reason Pon Farr was so difficult on Amanda is because she is human. Vulcans are per canon several times stronger than humans and have a different physiology. Pon Farr is not rape and would not hurt a Vulcan woman. They have the strength and the stamina to deal with it. Human women being physically weaker and with a different physiology don't. Sarek under normal circumstances would be able to control his strength and his desire. He would not grab her too hard and he would have not expected her to "go" too long. Under Pon Farr all of those controls are gone and he treats her as he would any Vulcan woman. But Amanda isn't a Vulcan woman and what WOULDN'T hurt them DOES hurt her. He biologically can't help it and she went into it fully informed. That's not rape."

Just thought I should clear that up- it was consensual. Sarek did not rape Amanda. He was rough, yes, and she wanted it to end because she was exhausted and sore- but it still wasn't rape. She was willing, and had been all along, because she knew it would save his life. Hopefully, this chapter will clear that up a little more.

Now, on with the chapter...

Chapter 37: The Aftermath

The sun was hot, beating mercilessly down on Sarek as he traversed the desert, the sand burning his bare feet as they kicked up small clouds of dust behind him. He had been traveling for two hours and fourteen minutes now- jogging at times, but forced to slow down by the combination of the heat and his tiredness. Her weight was slight in his arms, but after the last two days of physical exertion, even that slowed him.

He walked through a naturally-formed stone archway, rounded a pile of boulders, and then climbed a tall sand dune. The mansion was in sight now- not even ten minutes away. Amanda's breathing was still uneven, her heart still sluggish- but she was alive. He held her unconscious form closer against him as he forged on, stumbling slightly as he made his way down the dune. He was almost there...so close...she must survive. If she didn't...his heart thudded sickeningly in his side at the thought, and fear rose within him.

At long last, he approached the gate, which opened automatically to admit him. He adjusted the woman in his arms, Amanda's head resting against his shoulder as he continued toward the double doors. She let out a moan, and stirred. He glanced down in time to see her eyes briefly open, and then close again. He quickened his pace, heart pounding faster. She was becoming weaker every moment, he could sense it...

The doors slid open as he neared them, and he crossed the threshold.

"T'Shan!" he yelled out as soon as he was in the entrance hall. His voice bounced off the expansive walls- but there had been no need. She was already there, undoubtedly seeing his approach from a window. He clutched Amanda tightly to his chest. His voice rose, dark with grief. "You must call for-"

"I have already contacted a physician, osu Sarek," T'Shan replied before he could finish. "She will be here soon."

He was grateful for T'Shan at that moment. He thought, despite no outward indications, that she may be as concerned about Amanda as he was. The Vulcan woman was looking at her now, brow slightly furrowed- as if she wanted to do something, but did not know what.

Other servants were gathering to look at their master- naked, and carrying his new wife, who was wrapped in a blanket. He had no patience for it. He was oblivious to his current state of undress and the sight of his staff observing the scene caused his own fury to rise to the surface.

"Go!" he barked angrily, and they scattered. He turned back to T'Shan, jaw clenched in anger. "I will take her to her chamber."

T'Shan nodded once, and he strode past her- through the gathering room, down the corridor and up the stairs until he reached her quarters. He laid her gently on the bed, stroking her cheek. Her eyes opened halfway.

"Sarek...is it over?" she mumbled.

"Yes, my adun'a. It is over," he whispered softly, a pain that was not physical shooting through him.

"Good..." she said weakly, and then drifted off again.

He was afraid. "Amanda..." he said, but she did not wake this time. He pressed his forehead against hers, which was hotter than it should be- she was running a fever due to dehydration and the harsh sun. He accessed the bond...but there was nothing but blackness in her mind. He kissed her tenderly, and then drew away. "I am sorry." he whispered.

"Sorry" was not a word used by Vulcans. At the moment, he couldn't care less what was Vulcan and what was not- or what was logical. What mattered was that his wife was injured and dehydrated- near death.

He did not move from the bed until the door opened with a hiss, and a Vulcan woman entered. He recognized her- her name was T'Ren, and they had attended the Vulcan Science Academy together- she specialized in xenomedicine. She carried a medical bag, a tricorder at the ready.

"I will operate with greater efficiency if I have privacy with the human," T'Ren said as she set her bag on the bed. "You should make yourself decent, Sarek," she added, not even glancing up at him. Vulcans were not perturbed by nudity- whether theirs or someone else's. It was illogical to be disturbed by their natural state.

"Her name is Amanda," he said, his jaw clenching once more. "Not 'the human'."

She stared at him, calculating, and then nodded once.

"Very well. I will tend to Amanda while you attend to yourself," she said.

Sarek did not want to leave Amanda's side, but he knew he must. His presence was not needed, and she must be treated. He decided he would return when T'Ren left.

He stood, and left the chamber without another word. He went across the hall, into his own quarters. Once there, he immediately headed for the sonic shower- he must cleanse himself. His skin was coated with a layer of sand, red blood smeared on his torso...her scent clung to him, and he wanted to be rid of it.

It was not only physical filth that he wanted to purge himself of. As the sound waves loosened the dirt and grime, he leaned against the shower wall, wishing he could just as easily dispose of the stain on his conscience.

They had both known he would likely hurt her, and they'd both thought they were prepared. But he was finding that knowing something would happen and seeing it happen were two different things.

How could Amanda ever recover from this? He had hurt her. Used her, and it didn't matter if she had been willing. He'd almost killed her- and there was still a possibility of him losing her...

He balled his hand into a fist and slammed it into the shower wall. The tiles cracked and shattered, littering the bottom of the stall with fragments of ceramic, clinking as they landed. He flexed his hand, staring at the green blood on his torn knuckles.

He should never have become associated with her. It was all a huge mistake- if he had not courted her, the link between them would never have been formed. He would never have been driven into early Pon Farr. She would never have to endure it. His Time would have come when it was supposed to, and he would have been bonded to a Vulcan woman, who could handle his strength. T'Nik had never been injured during their sojourns in the caves- Vulcan women were so much stronger than their human counterparts. They could withstand it- they even enjoyed the roughness of Pon Farr, even if they would never admit it- and were left with nothing but bite marks to show for it afterward. But T'Nik was not human, and Amanda was not Vulcan.

He should have thought more about Pon Farr when he chose her. He should have realized early on that she was too fragile for it. And as if this encounter was not bad enough...what about his future Pon Farrs? They were bonded now. He could not seek another mate. But he did not want to put her through this again, either. And what of when she became elderly? She would be even weaker than she was now. Humans aged faster, did not live as long as Vulcans. As long as he did not meet with unusual circumstances, it was inevitable that he outlive her.

He had walked right into this dilemma- and dragged her into it, too.

Sarek was realizing now just how hasty, how emotional his decision to have her as his bonded mate had been. He understood now- this was exactly why his ancestors had forsaken the ways of passion for logic: to prevent misguided decisions- such as the ones he had made- that could only result in disaster.

The sonic shower turned off, and he exited the refresher room. He pulled on pants and a tunic, before leaving his quarters once again.

He stood before her closed door, hands clasped behind his back. To an onlooker, he would appear to be calm, unaffected- but on the inside, he was anything but. The same thoughts, the same regrets, chased each other around in his head.

Sarek knew that it was illogical to regret actions that could not be undone. He had chosen her. He had bonded with her. Nothing could change that, and he wouldn't even want to if it hadn't been for this. It was too late now, and there was nothing he could do but hope their future was not as dismal as he now imagined it to be.

His musing was interrupted when the door swished open. He straightened, his shoulders tensing, as T'Ren came out. She paused before him.

"I have injected her with hydration hypos, as well as pain-suppressants and agents that will allow her to heal faster. She will awake soon, within an hour or two. She will still be in pain- I shall leave behind enough medication to assist her recovery. Her cracked rib will take longer to mend, but overall, she will be healthy again in ten days."

Cracked rib? Sarek hadn't even known about that particular injury...fresh guilt erupted within him. He looked away from T'Ren, towards the door behind her. The physician continued.

"It is fortunate that her most threatening affliction was dehydration, as it was quickly remedied and she is now stabilized. The rest of her injuries, while painful, would not have been fatal or even lasting," she said.

She was telling him it was not as bad as he had thought...but that did not help. The fact was, even though it appeared she would recover, she had almost died. If he hadn't brought her back himself, she would have been gone by the time their transportation came for them the next day. He repressed a shudder at this thought. He was being illogical again- there was no need to indulge in what-if scenarios when it was obvious that had not happened, and she was alive.

"I will return in three days to ascertain that her progress is as it should be," T'Ren now said. "I will take my leave of you."

"Thank you, T'Ren," Sarek said. She looked at him peculiarly.

"There is no need to express gratitude, Sarek."

He must have spent so much time in the company of a human that he had picked up some human habits...such as thanking someone when they were only doing their job.

Sarek bowed his head, and T'Ren then left him alone before the door. He watched her disappear around a corner before entering the bedchamber.

Amanda was precisely where he had left her, the blanket still covering her. She was pale, and had dark patches under her eyes, but her heart rate and breathing were now normal. He crossed to her closet, finding her nightclothes, and then gently dressed her in them, careful not to jostle her too much or touch the bruises. He then drew the blankets up to her chin, and sat in a nearby chair, his hands folded before his lips as if in prayer.

He watched Amanda silently, her chest rising and falling slowly. She had known all along how dangerous it would be during his Time. She could have backed out many times, and yet she had not. She had sacrificed her body for him. She had done so willingly, even if fearfully.

She had saved him. She had risked everything for him. She had forsaken a normal human life to bond with him, to help him through his Time. She loved him so much, she had been willing to die if need be. That idea was...humbling, to Sarek.

He would forever be in her debt. He didn't know if he could ever adequately make it up to her. He must attempt to show her how grateful he was, he must show how much he appreciated the sacrifice she had made. He did not know how he would do so, but he would. She deserved nothing less for the deed she had done for him.

He slipped into a light meditation in an attempt to focus his thoughts and emotions. It worked somewhat, for he was calmer when the door slid open again and T'Shan entered.

"T'Ren left these with me," she said, setting the pouch of hypos on a table. He opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Thank you for taking the initiative to call her," he said. "You may have been instrumental in saving Amanda's life."

"It was logical to do so when I saw you approaching," T'Shan said. "Is there anything you require of me, osu Sarek?"

"I have something I must attend to. Will you remain here while I do so?"

"Of course," T'Shan replied. Sarek stood, straightening his tunic and looking over at Amanda's sleeping form.

"If she awakens and asks for me, I will be in my office. If she does not ask for me, let her be," he instructed.

He would not force his presence upon her. He wanted to be present- but not if she did not want the same thing. This was her decision.

T'Shan nodded, and he left...hoping Amanda would ask for him, but sure that she would not.

Amanda was first aware of pain all throughout her body, and then she opened her eyes. She was in her chamber, but she didn't remember how she had gotten there.

She vaguely recalled the sensation of being carried, of hot sunlight beating down on her, and then asking Sarek something...and as for what had happened before all that, she tried not to remember. She had been exhausted and sore, but determined to endure it for his survival...

She had known what it would be like. But that had not made it easier. That had not prepared her for the real thing. And as for Sarek...

She struggled to sit up in bed, and pain shot up her side. She winced, laying a hand on her ribcage.

"Lady Amanda," T'Shan said, standing from the chair she had been sitting in.

"T'Shan," she said, laying back down and trying to ignore the dull aches all over her body. "Where's Sarek?"

"He is in his office, attending to business," T'Shan replied. "Do you require anything?"

"A pain-suppressant, if there is one," she said, laying a hand on her forehead and closing her eyes again. She still felt tired, and weak. "Is Sarek okay?"

"Okay?" T'Shan questioned, eyebrows rising as she went to a table where there lay several hypos.

"Is he well?" she amended.

"I find it strange that you would be so concerned for his welfare, when you are the one who suffered most," T'Shan remarked. "It is illogical."

"I just want to know that it wasn't all in vain," Amanda replied. She could feel her strength slowly returning to her as T'Shan leaned over and injected her.

"Osu Sarek is well," she said. "Despite the fact that he walked two hours and twenty-seven minutes in the desert to bring you here."

"He did that?" Amanda asked, her voice rising in wonder.

"Is that not what I said?"

Amanda pressed her head back into her pillow, looking up at the ceiling. He had carried her across the desert, to safety. The idea filled her with wonderment and awe. He had done that, for her. True, it was the least he could do after what she had done for him, but she was grateful that his Fever had broken and he had immediately taken it upon himself to get her medical attention.

"Is he going to come see me?" she asked.

"Do you wish for him to?" T'Shan asked. Amanda considered it. Part of her wanted to see him...but another part did not. That part was not ready to see him yet. What should she say to the man she loved after what they had just been through together? She shouldn't let it change things- they had known it was coming and that it would be bad, but...

"I suppose," she said, pulling her blanket up higher. The words came from between her lips before she had even completely thought it through, and she immediately regretted them. What if she wasn't ready to see him yet? But T'Shan was already heading for the door, and then she was gone.

Silence fell. Amanda swallowed hard, and laid her head back, pressing her lips together. She took a deep, shuddering breath- letting it out forcefully when one of her ribs burned from the action. Her skin was still tender, and she forced herself to look down...her arms were dotted with finger-shaped bruises, and she bit her lip. She didn't have the courage to lift the blanket and look at the rest of her body, although she did note that someone had dressed her in pajamas- probably Sarek.

After several minutes, the door opened again, and Amanda looked up. She experienced conflicting emotions as Sarek paused just inside the door to look at her: Relief, in knowing that he was fine. Dread, for the things that must be spoken of. And...fear. But fear of what? Was she afraid that he would relapse at any moment? That it wasn't really over? That she would once more have to see those familiar eyes black with fathomless need? That she would once more feel those hands that were so calmly lowered to his sides, gripping her ferociously?

As if he heard her thoughts, his hands flexed, and then he clasped them behind his back. Amanda froze- she had completely forgotten about the bond. He was in her mind- in the very back, a buzzing presence that had been there, but was unnoticeable until that moment.

"Perhaps I should not have come," Sarek said quietly, and he turned toward the door. She felt a pang within her, and wasn't sure if it was hers, or his.

"Wait!" she called. She wasn't sure why she said that- it would have been easier to just let him go. He turned back. "Don't go yet," she added softly. He looked at her, his eyes searching her face, before he lowered his arms to his sides again and crossed the room to sit in the chair T'Shan had vacated.

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. She looked at him, but he was looking straight ahead, his hands folded before him. He had not been nearly as calm the last time she had seen him...she tried to shove away the image she envisioned of him looming above her.

The rational part of her brain knew he was not to blame, that it was not his fault. It knew that the man who had used her was not the same one before her. They were two separate beings, within the same body- one, whom she loved; the other, lying dormant, biding its time...

The irrational part of her brain, however...would not let her forget how she had felt. Tired, thirsty, in pain. Longing for it to be over, just so she could rest. Frustrated that it was lasting so long, and there was nothing she could do to hasten the ending. This man- even if it had not been his mind, it had been his body that did it to her. How could she look at his face again, and not remember how feral it had once looked, no matter how placid it now was?

"Is there anything you require?" Sarek's voice- far more gentle than usual- broke through her reverie. He was looking at her now.

"No," she said, but part of her wanted him to hold her. She just didn't want to ask it of him, nor did she know how.

"Amanda..." he shifted in his chair, clearing his throat slightly. This display of discomfort was unusual, and for one wild moment, she feared that it wasn't over..."I have no words to describe how much I regret what I have done to you."

Surprisingly, what she felt at this statement was...anger.

"Don't you dare, Sarek!" she snapped. He looked at her, confused, his eyebrows drawn together.

"I do not know-"

"You're blaming yourself! You're feeling guilty. Well- don't!" she said fiercely, struggling to sit up, despite the burning in her ribcage and her protesting muscles. He stood, as if to prevent her from it, but it was too late. She was sitting up now, the pain far from her mind as she glared at him. "I knew what I was getting into. I've known since before you proposed- when you gave me the chance to leave you. And I didn't. I knew Pon Farr was dangerous, and it didn't stop me. I was willing, because I knew it would help you! You couldn't help it, Sarek. It's your biology, and you can't feel guilty just for being Vulcan."

"You almost died," he said, his voice dead-quiet. He stood at the foot of her bed, watching her with eyes full of sorrow. "You were severely dehydrated, and even now you are in pain, with a fractured rib and bruises all over you. How can I not hold guilt?"

Amanda knew that she must have been close to death, so that was no surprise. But what mattered was that she lived.

"Then I guess we learned from this experience. Next time, we know what to expect. We know what to prepare for. I can deal with pain, Sarek. And as for dehydration- that's what hydrating hypos are for. We'll just bring a med-kit with us next time."

"Next time," he repeated, his voice laced with contempt at the thought.

"Yes, Sarek, next time," Amanda said. "As in, your next Pon Farr seven years from now, which I will help you through. Just like I did this time- because I love you and don't want you to die!"

Her voice was steadily rising, and angry tears were stinging her eyes, but they had not yet fallen. She struggled to keep them at bay as he spoke.

"I feel your pain, and not only that which is physical," Sarek said calmly. "You are in torment. You cannot see me without thinking of what happened, of how I was. That is worse than knowing that I injured you, and that you came near death."

"My torment is irrelevant," she retorted. "I know, like you should, that what happened was no surprise. We talked about it before, we had a general idea of what to expect."

"You are rationalizing, for my sake, to make me believe you. But you do not believe it yourself," Sarek said stonily.

"Get the fuck out of my head!" she yelled, and the link deadened. She was breathing hard, her rib aching. "There's enough pain in this situation without you adding to it, which is exactly what you're doing! Stop blaming yourself, damn it!"

She honestly believed that any blame belonged to her- she could have refused him long ago. It was her fault for getting into this mess. She had known what could happen, and she had not heeded the warnings given to her. T'Pau had been right- she was not adequate for the task. But she had risen to the occasion anyway, and survived.

"You should rest," Sarek said, his tone still even. "You must still be tired, and this discussion is not conducive to your recovery."

"Then go!" she snapped. He paused, as if about to say something, and he looked at her with sadness in his eyes before he did what she ordered, and left.

She sank down onto the bed, pulling the blankets around her. She let the tears escape, coursing down her cheeks freely. She stifled the sobs, because they only hurt her cracked rib more, and she took deep, calming breaths.

Now was not a time to fight with him. She regretted the argument already. They were both hurting, and she had attacked him for being concerned about her. He'd been right...everything she'd told him, she had not fully convinced herself of yet. She had been trying to alleviate his own distress- she had tried to make it so at least one of them was not suffering. She had wanted to take the burden on herself, but he would not allow it.

Amanda didn't know whether she loved him or hated him for that.

She was still crying silently when T'Shan entered. She stopped short when she saw the state Amanda was in, but then came toward her, setting the tray of food she had brought on the night table.

"T'Shan?" Amanda murmured, wiping away the wetness on her cheeks.

"Yes, Lady Amanda?" T'Shan asked.

"I know Vulcans don't talk about personal matters. But...I need someone to talk to. To confide in," she whispered. She needed to get this off her chest.

"You may continue," T'Shan said. "What you say will not be repeated by me."

Amanda took a breath.

"If I had known months ago, when I first met Sarek and we started dating, that he was capable of this- I would have thought twice about it. I would never have married him. But by the time he told me, it was too late..." she forced back a sob, and buried her face in her arm. "He told me to make a decision based on the facts, and I didn't. I made my decision based on love. It would have been better for me, but even better for him, if I had said no."

T'Shan did not reply- perhaps she did not know what to say to such an emotional and private confession. No matter...Amanda hadn't been looking for sympathy, or for any words at all. She had merely needed to tell someone, anyone, what was plaguing her. She had, and now...she felt better.

Despite her silence, Amanda felt a growing kinship with the Vulcan woman now helping her sit up, and setting the tray of plomeek soup on her lap.

Her new marriage was off to the worst possible start, and she knew there was a lot of work to be done on both her and Sarek's part...but maybe she had found a friend on Vulcan at last.