I own nothing.

In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it – Jane Smiley

Chapter Thirty Seven

Expectations

BELLA'S POV

I felt like I had been holding my breath since the moment that the last note left my mouth. The moment that I had saw that song, I knew it had to be the one I sung to Jasper. It was the perfect way to express so much that was inside of me that I wanted to articulate to him.

I was nervous for his reaction, but I never really got one. Things were a complete blur from the moment I stepped off the stage until we were safely alone in our hotel room.

About all I knew was Emmett and Rose went off in one direction, back to their room, and Jasper and I headed to ours and we were alone…FINALLY!

What a sweet wonderful word to my ears…alone. That was when it was not terrifying and overwhelming. There was nothing to distract us. No one to interrupt us. All I could think was now what? Now what were we going to do now that we were alone?

I mean, I knew what I would like to be doing but it was a two person event, so I had to consider whether or not Jasper was thinking that same thing I was. There was a possibility that he was, but there was a possibility that he wasn't.

Though we had shared a few amazing moments together the truth of the matter was that this relationship was very new for both of us. Honestly, we were still working on getting to know each other.

I mean, this was just our first date. What kind of girl would I be if I hopped into bed with him on the first date? I would be that girl who was about to spontaneously combust. My whole body was charged with sexual tension. It was all I had been thinking about. It was if my thoughts were single minded. I had never experienced such a consuming thought before. I wanted him, and I wanted him now.

It was just that we were not just talking about having sex. No, this was so much more then that. It would change everything between us. And I was ready for everything to change. I was beyond ready. I just had to let Jasper know how ready I was.

"This hotel is amazing." I let slip out as I circled the room. I softly ran my hand up and over each surface I came in contact with needing to touch something to stop me from grabbing him. I wanted him so bad it hurt. "The whole night has been amazing. Thank you for everything," I softly said finally coming to stand in front of him. He was leaning against the door jam looking hotter than sin. Would it be rude if I simply jumped him right there and then?

"Honestly, you need to thank Rose. I just showed up," Jasper explained to me. He looked as tense on the outside as I felt on the inside. Could he be feeling all the same things I was? Or was it that he could feel what I was feeling and it was making him completely uncomfortable? Honestly, I thought that he would be attacking me in the same way that I wanted to be attacking him.

"I know. Rosalie was sure to tell me that you bought her off to get her to play nice with me today. I have to say it was money well spent. She was almost civil to me," I smiled for a moment before moving back into the room. I knew if I lingered that close to Jasper any longer, I was going to attack him.

"I sure hope that you did not do the same for Emmett because that was quite the waste of money. You will never believe the conversation that I had with him before we left," I explained to Jasper striping out of my jacket. I had not planned on sharing that conversation with Jasper, but it was a way of bringing up the subject. I needed to know where his head was on the topic. He was far too quiet.

"Unfortunately, I am well aware of that conversation. Trust me, you don't have to worry about him doing anything like that again," Jasper assured me. I was wondering how it was that he was still standing motionless talking to me. It was as if he was bored with all this.

By now, I had made my way to the bed where I sat down on the edge pulling off my boots and socks. Once that act was done, I pulled myself up on the bed until I was comfortably lounging on a sea of pillows. I looked completely as ease, but looks were deceiving.

"I will admit that at the time, it was rather embarrassing. Now that it is over, I have to admit that I am quite thankful to Emmett for butting his nose in."

"And why is that?" Jasper dared asked.

"Well the truth is that I have been stressed out about the whole thing. I know what is meant to happen, but beyond the basics, I am in the dark," I whispered fiddling with the ruffle on the pillow I was holding in front of me like a shield. "Emmett was kind enough to give me a book that went into great detail on well…everything." I swallowed. By now, I was not looking at him at all.

"Bella…"

"You do realize that Edward and I never…" I said.

"I am aware," Jasper almost hissed just by the mention of his name. Or was it at the mention of doing it?

"And I never with anyone else either…so that means that I don't have a clue what I am doing when it comes to this. Other then the fact that I want to do it with you," I said as I stared at him, waiting for him to say or do something. I had just laid it out there, praying that he would tell me he wanted all the same things I wanted.

"Bella…" Jasper said. Once again his voice had taken on a hard edge.

"I am going to take a shower and you can just relax," I announced suddenly rushing off the bed and into the bathroom.

I know it seemed like I was retreating, but the truth was I was just regrouping. Clearly Jasper was not going to take the lead when it came to us being intimate, so that meant I had to. God help me now.

Stripping out of my clothes, I hopped in the shower and tried to calm myself down, but it was not happening. I could not even touch myself to wash. Every touch was only adding the fact that I needed a release. This was so ridiculous.

I knew that Jasper wanted me too. So the fact that he was playing hard to get, or maybe it was more that he was playing the gentlemen, was making me question everything. Whatever the reason was, if Jasper was not going to make the next move, then I sure and the hell was going to.

God, I sounded like such a slut, but I could not help it. A girl has needs, needs that had not being met.

I could do this…right?

I turned on the cold water and let it fall over me, rinsing away not only the soap, but some of my tension. I never would have imagined that vampire could get over heated, but that was what I was right about now.

Shutting off the water, I stepped out into the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. Any insecurities I have about my body had left me when I was changed. My body was flawless.

That was not what I was worried about though. I didn't have to worry about what my body looked like, but I sure and the hell had to worry about the fact that I had no idea what to do with it.

I stood there staring into the mirror, panic and desperation finally over taking every other thought and emotion. What was I thinking? There was no way I could pull this off. Seriously….me seducing Jasper that just sounded ridiculous. I knew it would take more then putting on some lingerie I thought embarrassed just by looking at the barely there stripes of red fabric staring back at me, mocking me.

God, it was times like this that I really wished I had someone to talk to about this kind of stuff…other then Emmett.

My parents…both of them had been well, parents. Renee was the first to have 'the talk' with me. I would have been far better off with her just handing me a book. And Charlie had not gotten out even three words to me before he looked like he was going to die of embarrassment. He looked like I had turned the oxygen back on when I released him from his duty by telling him 'Renee already had the talk with me.'

Who else did I have to talk about this with? No one. I could never go to Carlisle or Esme since they were more like parents then my own.

That left Rose and Emmett.

I already knew how well trying to talk to Emmett about this had gone. In general, it was impossible to have a serious conversation with him, let alone about sex. Plus, he really didn't handle the idea of me being sexual.

I figured the only reason that Emmett was not here laying between me and Jasper, was he was more concerned about getting his then he was about me getting mine.

And Rosalie….I could not begin to imagine her reaction to me seeking out sex advice from her. Then again, she had been alright about taking me shopping. Sure, it had all been for Jasper, but this affected Jasper too. Just maybe….

I couldn't believe I was about to do this I thought as I dialed Rosalie's number. I had to be desperate.

"This better be good," she huffed into the phone sounding out of breath. I did not want to know what I had interrupted.

"I'm sorry Rosalie…I really am. It is just I don't have anyone else to turn to. Trust me; you would be the last person that I would call. It is just I'm standing in the bathroom wrapped in a towel staring at that stupid lingerie I got today, and I can't put it on. I can't go out there and face Jasper. You don't understand, I want for this to be perfect, but I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I was about to attack that boy, and he seemed to be somewhere between uncomfortable and bored. What if I go out there and he is repulsed by me? Or he laughs at me?" I questioned feeling like I was about to break down just thinking about Jasper not wanting me.

"Stay right where you are, and I'll be right there," Rosalie told me after a long silence followed by Emmett screaming, "Are you kidding me? We are in the middle of something."

"Nothing important," Rosalie threw back.

"Rosalie, if you are occupied don't worry about me. I am just freaking out and overreacting. I mean, does it even matter anyways? This whole night is one big freaking disaster. Jasper can hear everything I am saying. He can feel everything that I am feeling," I told her thinking I was ridiculous. I had ruined the whole night. I would rather face spending the night with Rosalie then a night with Jasper at this point. "I know you don't like me, and you are probably in your glory over me coming to you, but can you please take pity on me and let me stay with you tonight? I am just too embarrassed to face Jasper right now," I said thinking at this point I might never face him again.

"You can't hide from Jasper…he won't let you, for one and for two, he is way more understanding then you give him credit for."

"It is not about him understanding. It is about me being a pathetic idiot. I planned on seducing Jasper tonight and what am I doing now….hiding in the bathroom," I said thinking if I could cry, I would. This was just too much. I don't know what I was thinking. Not only had I ruined this whole night with Jasper, but I had called Rosalie to fill her in on all the gory details. I was never going to live this down.

"Open the door," Rosalie said.

"What?"

"I am standing outside of it so open it now," she huffed.

"Jasper is out there."

"No, he isn't. I sent him to keep Emmett company," Rosalie explained to me.

I tucked the towel tighter around me and slowly open the door. Standing there was Rosalie looking somewhere between amused and pissed off.

"Take a seat," she ordered sitting on the end of the bed. I took a seat in the chair across from her not daring not to.

"Jasper is panicking about your little melt down in the bathroom. He thinks it is his fault, and I assured him that he was right."

"It is not his fault…well not really," I told her defending Jasper. It was not his fault that he didn't want me as much as I wanted him. It was not his fault that I was irrational.

"Yes, it was. It is always their fault. That is rule number one. Rule number two, is honesty. No matter what it is concerning, the best thing you can do is be open and honest. I learned that the hard way, so trust me. What you need to do is talk to Jasper about what you are feeling and what you want. He can't read your mind. He can't even read your emotions if you don't want him to. Which means if you want him to lick every single inch of you and then fuck you until you can't breathe, then tell him that," she bluntly told me. I knew I was blushing fire engine red on the inside as I felt like I was burning.

"If you can't talk to him about sex, Bella, then you are not ready to be having it. If you are worried about him not wanting you, don't. Men never turn it down. If he seemed hesitant, it was probably because he was worried about what you were thinking and feeling. See how that open and honest thing would have taken care of both of your worries?"

"I agree with you, and I will be honest from now on with Jasper. I am just not use to having someone I can confide everything into, especially on a subject like sex."

"Jasper is not, nor ever will be, Uptightward."

"That is what I am worried about."

"What?"

"No…it is just that with Edward, he was as inexperienced as I was, and I never had to worry about being in way over my head. All I ever worried about was him rejecting me…which happened every time I pushed for something more then a kiss. Rejection is a hard pill to sallow, especially coming from someone you want so much. I could handle it from Edward, but not from Jasper. So when he seemed uninterested, I freaked."

"Seriously… Is that what you really think? Because you are wrong. I have never seen Jasper more interested, and I am talking about something more then sex. He is completely in love with you."

"He is?"

"Duh!"

"I love him too."

"I know this now, but I wasn't so sure," Rosalie informed me and then added. "I mean, it was not that long ago that you were insanely in love with Edward."

"I…it…" I struggled trying to explain my feelings concerning Edward.

"No, you don't have to explain to me. I knew from day one that you and Edward were not meant to be together. Why do you think I was always so against you being together? It was not love that you were experiencing, it was more like infatuation. But you can't be blamed for that. We can be pretty persuasive when we want to be, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Edward was determined to possess you. It was only about control with him. He never loved you, but Jasper does. And I am finally seeing that you love him too. Which means I am not going allow you to fuck this up," Rosalie informed me firmly. "Where are your clothes?"

"In the bags over there," I told her.

Seconds later, she came back throwing me a pair of yoga pants and a tank top. I stared at them for a second before staring back questioningly at Rosalie.

"Jasper loves you, not a skewed version of you. There will be a time and a place for sexy red panties, trust me. After a few decades, you find you need to spice it up a bit. Now go get dressed, and then I will help you with your hair," she ordered. I couldn't help but smile at her as I disappeared back into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later and dressed comfortably, Rosalie had brushed my hair until it gleamed in perfection, hanging in long waves down my back.

"I'll be right back okay?" Rosalie said and was gone before I could answer, only to return seconds later carrying a bottle of nail polish.

Oh shit. I think I just created a monster. If she thought for one minute that I was going to let her use me as a dress up doll the way Alice had, she was out of her mind.

"I see that look. I am not Alice, and I have way better things to do then play dress up with you. In case you forgot, you are the one that called me begging for help. Something that I am not about to forget. Now, just so you know, if you want to use red to stimulate Jasper, it can be done with something other then lingerie," she explained to me starting to paint my toe nails in fire engine red. "Now, I don't think that Jasper has the kind of foot fetish that Emmett does but…"

"TMI!"

"You are going to learn that in this family there is no such thing. Alright, I'm all done. So, are you ready for me to send Jasper back over here, or would you like to hear more about Emmett and my sex life?"

"Jasper, please send Jasper back," I told her thinking that Rosalie wasn't nearly as bad as I always thought. "Rosalie, thanks for…well, thanks for being here for me when I needed someone."

"What are sisters for?" she simply said adding. "Rose, my family calls me Rose."

"Thanks, Rose."