Chapter 36

Lou

I stretch and yawn as I wake up to a brand new day. A broad smile shapes my lips, welcoming the crisp morning, when I bring to mind yesterday's events. A few sneaky sunrays steam through the narrow gap between the curtains and light the bedroom. For a few minutes, I remain ensconced under the warm bedding and let my eyes dreamily sweep around me. Today everything looks more beautiful, brighter… just perfect.

Last night after talking to Rachel for hours, I stayed in her spare room. The day had been eventful, and even though I should have been tired, sleep eluded me. All I could think of was Kid and how much I longed for him. Earlier I had expressed my intention to run to find him, but Rachel had talked me out of it, saying I should let Kid stew and do the chasing. I wasn't convinced, but Rachel was adamant. I suppose he must have stewed and even boiled to a pulp, because chasing, he didn't do at all. I wondered how he could stay put after what had happened between us, and I silently questioned whether he really felt as strongly as me. It was just a kiss after all. My insecurities must have shown on my face, and Rachel guessed what was on my mind right away. "You were together less than two hours ago, Louise!" she said in amusement. "Give yourself a break! He'll still be around tomorrow."

I had to bottle up my desires, but that night in bed I considered sneaking out and finding him. Yet, I knew he'd already be sleeping, and if I dared to creep into the bunkhouse and wake him up, what could I say? I longed to see you? Can you give me another kiss? My wayward thoughts embarrassed me, and in the dark my face flustered and my heart fell with dismay as I admitted to myself I wouldn't move from Rachel's house after all.

The morning shines with possibilities, and I jump out of bed vigorously. As I yank the drapes open, my heart skips a beat when I catch sight of Kid, entering the stables. Not wasting a single second, I wash and quickly get dressed. I'm still doing up the buttons of my shirt when I dash down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. When I reach downstairs, Rachel emerges from the kitchen.

"Good morning," she greets me in a drowsy, tired voice. "The coffee's still hot and …"

"No, thanks, Rachel," I cut her off as I grab my coat and struggle to slip in it as fast as possible.

"Are we in hurry today or what?" she asks me with a sardonic smile.

I'm already at the door and stop to look at her. "I just need to see him."

"And I'd feel the same way as you," she replies, beaming at me. "Just go!"

I don't need to be told twice, and once out of the house, I run across the yards. My legs can't be fast enough, and curiously today the stables seem to be farther than usual, as if by magic the building had moved a few yards overnight. Breathlessly, I reach the place, and as I bolt through the door, an instant smile settles on my lips when I see him. Our eyes lock in a silent but meaningful gaze. Yet, the moment is broken when other voices sound around us, snapping me out of this enchantment. Three other riders are also there, and as I notice their curious, indiscreet looks and grins, I mutter a soft greeting and scurry to the back of the building where I start to collect my tools to start today's work.

I try to direct my entire attention to my chores, but who am I kidding? I'm too aware that Kid is just a few feet from where I stand, and I long so much to go to him. I keep sending him surreptitious glances from across the stables. More than once he catches my eye, and embarrassed I have to look away. The riders are shoeing the horses today, which means they'll probably spend almost the whole day here. Hopefully, I'll be able to grasp a few moments alone with Kid. I imagine he'll want to talk to me after what happened between us yesterday. I just hope the kiss meant as much to him as it meant to me. Otherwise, I'm up for a very bitter disappointment.

I'm positive Kid ain't the kind that kisses women gratuitously. Yet, can I honestly say that our kiss was more than a friendly peck? Now that I think about it, I don't know why I'm so thrilled. My giddiness and excitement suddenly crumble. What if I'm reading more into this than what there actually is? Kid never said he liked me, just a whole speech about how different I was, which incidentally was true. Maybe he was trying to cheer me up or perhaps he was thanking me for going on the picnic with him. Distraught by my thoughts and renewed fears, I retreat inside a stall. The sight of Kid before me hurts, and I don't want to lose it and cry in front of him and the others. I try to distract my black mood, but the voices coming from down the corridor don't help.

After the bell announcing breakfast peals outside, I hear the riders ready to leave. The clatter of hammering has stopped, and Buck's voice calls, "Lou, are you coming for breakfast?"

I swallow, trying to tame the lump in my throat. I'm close to tears, and if I speak, I'm sure they'll follow, but somehow I manage to muster the strength to talk. "Don't wait for me. I'll be with you in a minute."

I don't know if I'm in the mood to eat and sit in the bunkhouse with everybody, but what else can I say? I need to be on my own for a while. Silence lasts only a few seconds, and the echo of more steps resound nearby. I sigh tiredly, and when I look up, I'm surprised to see Kid standing outside the stall. His eyes, intense and almost dark, lock into mine. The strange expression on his face makes me shiver, and I realize I can't unglue my own eyes from his. I let go of the rake, which drops onto the bed of hay, and almost hypnotized by his presence, I open the stall door and step out. My eyes never leave his, and as I stand there before him, he takes a step closer, cups my face, and his lips engulf mine. The kiss is nothing like the one yesterday. He's actually revering my mouth with his sweet one. My whole face is burning, and a strange tingling sensation courses all over my body. It's pleasurable, but also weird. I'm so awed that I remain frozen, not sure if I should copy him, or do something else.

After a minute, I feel floored by the kiss and my own feelings, so I place a flat hand on his stomach and gently push him away. He smiles and says, "I was dying to kiss you again. I hope I didn't offend you."

I blush a redder shade if that's possible, and start giggling nervously. Finding the words to speak ain't easy. My whole being is in a chaotic state, ranging from excitement and fear to confusion, and right now I think I'm bereft of the temperance I need to handle this matter. It's imperative, though, I say something. I can't simply go canoodling with him whenever we feel like it if we don't set things right first.

"What does this… this thing mean?" I manage to ask, swinging a lazy finger between our bodies.

"What do you think it means?" he asks, and when I remain silent with no intention to speak, he adds, "I like you, Lou. I like you very much."

"You like me?" I echo. Rachel had already hinted at the same thing a few days ago, but I'm now as skeptical as I was with her.

"I do," he states, smiling from ear to ear.

I take a large gulp of air as my insides seem to be doing summersaults. His words are like music to my ears, but my insecurity won't let me relish the feeling. I'm still in disbelief, and even though I know that what I'm about to say could be taken as an insult, I tell him anyway. "You… you ain't saying that because you pity me, are you?"

"Lou…" he exclaims, clearly shocked and aghast after hearing me.

"I couldn't bear to learn later that you're just trying to raise my spirits."

"Can you hear what you're saying, Lou? Do you really believe anybody could pursue a woman out of pity?"

I shrug my shoulders, and a surge of shame tints my face. "I… I don't know. I… it was a stupid thing to say. I'm sorry."

After my blunder, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned on his heel and walked out on me. Yet, he takes my hand instead and says, "Lou, I'm crazy about you… totally nuts. I don't know how it happened. It just did."

I beam at his declaration, and I know it's only fair he also gets the same from me. "And I like you too," I whisper sheepishly.

"Lou, I'd like to court you as you deserve, but…"

"But what?" I demand to know, suddenly very fearful. I knew this was too good to be true.

"You've been through a lot lately, and the last thing I'd want is to complicate things even further for you."

He's so understanding. My fears vanish again, and his considerate words swell the love I already feel for him. However, I ain't sure I get what he means. "Are you saying we should forget about what… what we feel because of me and my problems?"

"No!" he exclaims a bit too loudly, and in a softer tone, he adds, "I don't think I could forget about you even if I tried." He pauses, and his gaze lowers to our joined hands. "Maybe it was wrong of me to kiss you, but…"

"It wasn't wrong. Please don't say that!"

He lifts his eyes back to me and gives me a goofy, little smile. "Lou, I want to be with you more than anything in this world, but I'll wait if you need time to deal with… everything."

"I… I don't know what I need," I say in a tiny voice, and feeling bold and reassured, I dare to lean my head on his chest and hug his trunk. "All I know is that this feels so good."

I inhale and relish his presence. This is like heaven… so perfect and safe. I could stay like this forever. A sigh escapes my lips, and it is then that he places his fingers under my chin and tilts my face to him. We gaze at each other for a few seconds, and my lids instinctively close as my lips eagerly welcome another longed-for kiss.

He starts softly and tentatively, but soon I can feel his fondness and maybe passion. Kissing him is so magical, as if I could touch the sky, and the new sensations are so powerful and intense that they completely daze me. I never thought this could be happening to me. I squeeze my arms more tightly around his torso. This time I ain't a passive character, and some kind of instinct pushes me to follow his lead, and promptly my lips move in perfect unison with his. I long to taste and explore his kisses, and at some point my mouth opens, possible to breathe, and I suddenly feel his tongue touch mine. In principle, this should disgust me, but in fact, I'm invigorated by his closeness, and I love to feel him as if we were just one.

Even though my body is on fire, and my mind is mired by the plentiful sensations I'm experiencing loose thoughts don't stop coming. I think of Cody, and the time I caught him with that girl in the hayloft. Back then, I was shocked, and yes, quite revolted by what I'd seen. Little did I know I'd be experiencing the same and I'd feel so wonderful about it. I also think of Esther, and the stupid stunt I played at the social. How could she say I kissed her? This is a real kiss, and in comparison, that peck I gave her is nothing.

"Oh Lou…" Kid moans against my mouth. "Oh Lou…"

Lost in the moment and in the fog my mind is surrounded by, I unexpectedly whisper, "I love you so much, Kid."

My words still his movements. He pulls away and gazes at me with an expression I can hardly decipher. Is it disbelief? Or maybe amusement? My cheeks light with embarrassment, but now that I've left the cat out, what can I do but tell him the truth? "I… I've loved you for a long time, even before I discovered I was a woman." My face feels hotter and hotter by the minute, and even though a voice in my head orders me to shut up, I just can't. "It was a horrible nightmare to realize I had feelings for another man, and even when I learned I was a girl, I never thought you could be interested in someone like me."

Kid smiles and his hand raises to caress my flushed face. "You're so unique and special. How can I not love you?"

Now it's my turn to look stunned. "Do… do you love me?"

Kid nods, and I can see his cheeks have a cute pink hue on them. "And every time I am with and talk with you, I fall more and more in love."

Without stopping to consider what my books described to be proper behaviour in ladies when in love, I push myself on my tiptoes and start kissing him again. The intensity of the kiss is as powerful as the last one, and we get lost in each other. Yet, an unexpected knocking sound startles us, and we both lurch apart. To our utter dismay and embarrassment, we find Rachel standing a few feet from where we are. "Ain't you two having breakfast today?" she asks.

I can feel Kid's mortified, and I'm also chagrined to realize Rachel has caught us in the middle of our heady kissing. He clears his throat several times and keeps his eyes down as he mutters, "Yeah, yeah." And without looking at me, he adds, "Let's go, Lou."

"You go ahead, Kid. Lou and I'll follow presently."

I frown, wondering what Rachel wants from me now. Kid gives me a look and shy smile before he dashes out of the stables. My eyes turn to Rachel, who smiles and says, "So?"

"So what?"

"You and Kid…"

I start walking because I can't have this conversation looking at her. It's too embarrassing. "I guess… I guess we're courting."

"From what I've seen, there's no 'I guess' here," she quips and I simply shrug my shoulders, but inside I'm filled with utter delight. We're already outside the stables, when her hand grasps my wrist and stops me. "Lou, do you think it's sensible of you to get into a romantic liaison so quickly?"

I stare at her in confusion. "You were the one who encouraged me to seek his company!"

"Yes, but I thought you'd keep it platonic, or friendly."

"I love him, Rachel! And surprisingly, he loves me too. Why should I keep him or myself at arm's length?"

"Getting involved in a romantic relationship is more than a few cuddles or sharing some private moments together. It's a real challenge, and I fear you might not be ready for what that implies. I ain't saying you shouldn't show your fondness in a more … more innocent way, but I didn't like what I've witnessed just now."

Her words infuriate me. Being with Kid is what I most want in the world, and no one is gonna put me off or soil what we have. "I ain't an idiot, Rachel! I grant you I've been more than confused about my femininity, but I'm as much of a woman as you, Esther, or any others! I'm the woman Kid wants and I'm not planning on walking out on him. He makes me happy, Rachel. I've been too miserable, not just in the last weeks, but for years… long before I came to Rock Creek, and for the first time I'm feeling over the moon, and contented. And now you go and tell me I have to look the other way because you don't like me and him together."

Rachel shakes her head. "I didn't say that. I think you make a lovely couple, and I'm glad you feel happy. All I'm saying is you shouldn't rush into anything you can't handle. I care about you, Lou, and I don't want you to suffer."

"Kid would never hurt me," I state stubbornly.

She smiles. "I know he wouldn't, but sometimes things are more complicated than that." I frown in confusion, unsure what she mean, and I stare at her, expecting a further explanation, but she only says, "Just promise you'll be careful, Lou. Come and talk to me whenever you have a… something to say."

I nod, even though I'm not sure what kind of thing I might want to say to her. I love Kid, and he loves me back, and we're good together. What else should I have to consider or be careful about?