Chapter 37

Gray Days

Today is the first day of Christian's treatment, we arrive early at the hospital our first appointment of the day is for his final sperm donation we already have five deposits frozen and so will have the option of IVF treatment if the chemotherapy and radiotherapy do leave Christian infertile.

After leaving his deposit we are lead through into another part of the hospital and into a room with a bed, TV, books etc in it and once Christian has changed in to a T-shirt and sweat pants and is comfortable on the bed the nurse comes in and set his IV drip up, we will spend eight hours here today while the drugs start to poison my husband, I know it's silly to feel like that, they will cure him, after they poison him,

We have been warned to expect hair loss, nausea, excessive fatigue, and irritability, well we already had irritability before we even heard of cancer so the other three should be a doddle I joke with him while feeling like screaming at the unfairness of it.

Christian opens his laptop up and starts to upload the photos from our holiday, as we look at them all the memories come flooding back, who would have though just three short weeks ago we were strolling hand in hand through Madrid.

Asia has had a fantastic time in Canada with Samuel and his family she has been ringing regularly and will be flying into Boeing Field tomorrow evening and we both know we will have to talk to her. I don't know how the hell we are going to do that but I do know we have to make a better job of it than we did when we told her about our wealth.

The day goes slowly, taking its toll on Christian, he says he feels extremely thirsty and he does drink quite a lot of water, I help him to the bathroom a few times and he sleeps. I ask Jason to sit with him for a while once he is a sleep, I go into the hospital garden and allow the tears to fall, am I crying for me or him? I'm not sure. I soon pull myself together and return to Christian's room, he is still sleeping, Taylor leave us to resume his position outside of the door.

It's six o'clock and Christian's ordeal is over for this month, he is extremely tired and Jason helps him into the car for the short journey home, one thing to be grateful for still living in Escala. Once home I help him into bed he is quite irritable but that's because he really is not used to feeling quite so helpless, I put 2 bowls of macaroni and cheese on a tray and carry it through to our bedroom where I eat mine but Christian just picks at his, saying he is sorry but he really can't face food, this is a turn around it's normally me who can't eat but tonight I am ravenous

Christian falls asleep shortly after I finish eating. I take the opportunity to call Grace and bring her up to date on how he is doing.

On the second ring she picks up, she must have been waiting for my call.

Ana – "Hi Grace

Grace – "Hi Darling how is he doing?"

Ana – "sleeping, it took it's toll, he slept most of the last three hours of the treatment and he went straight to bed when we got back, he didn't want anything to eat not even his favourite, macaroni and cheese"

Grace – "that's to be expected, darling"

Ana – Oh, OK I just feel so helpless, I don't know what to do to help him"

Grace – "just keep doing what you always do, love him" And then I feel the tears start to run down my face again, gaw I didn't think there were any left I have sobbed so much since we got the diagnosis

Ana - "I'll do that alright, Grace"

Grace - "you sound upset darling would you like us to come over for a bit?

Ana – "no, I'll be fine; I think I will just have a nice warm bath and an early night"

Grace – "OK darling, but you know where we are if you change your mind"

Ana – "I do, thank you Grace, I'll get Christian to phone you himself tomorrow, night Grace"

Grace – "Night darling"

And then I hang up, I have never been a one for drinking alcohol but tonight I could be tempted to make an exception, but I don't. I pick the phone up to Kate, that was if anything a much more emotional call as I didn't feel I had to hold back with Kate she also offered to come over for a bit, even to stay the night if I wanted her too, but all I want is to feel my husbands arms around me.

Saturday I woke just after seven and Christian was still asleep I slowly made my way out of bed and to the bathroom, to use the toilet and clean my teeth, I then went to the library to find something to read and then I crawled back into bed and opened my book while keeping one eye on my husband, he opened his eyes just before ten, mortified he has slept so long.

He seems a bit brighter this morning and went to the bathroom before returning to bed with me, he pulled me into his arms saying "thank you"

Ana - "what for?"

Christian - "just being here, being you. What would you like to do today", I just look at him like he is mad,

Christian - "well we could go over to mom and dads, we could stay in bed, anything you like"

Ana -"If it wouldn't be to much for you I am sure Grace would love to see you, I could ring and ask them to come over here"

Christian - "No if we go over there I can sit in the garden and get some fresh air"

Ana - "OK I will ring them now and if it's ok we can go over after you have had something to eat"

Christian – "I'm not sure I could face food, this morning"

Ana – "what about just a little bit of yogurt and maybe some soft fruit"

Christian – "I'll try for you, but I just feel queasy" If it wasn't such a raw subject for both of us I may have made a quip about him having morning sickness.

He had about three teaspoonfuls of yogurt and then went to phone Grace while I got dressed, once we were both dressed we left the apartment to go to Grace and Carrick's they both seemed pleased to see us, Grace had made a light lunch and had it served on the patio, again Christian barely ate anything just a few baby new potatoes and a slice of ham, he didn't touch any of his salad

We moved from the patio down to the pool Christian lay down on one of the loungers and within minuets he was asleep, Grace said "don't worry, he will sleep a lot for the first few days and he won't have much of an appetite either"

We left Grace and Carrick just after 4pm, Christian just wanted to go home and go to bed even though he had slept for nearly two hours in the garden, once we arrived home I again tried to tempt him with macaroni and cheese, I was pleased to see he ate about a quarter of a small bowl, but at least it was something, we then went to bed Christian slept and I read, thank goodness Asia is not coming home till tomorrow and hopefully he will be feeling a bit better or she will know the second she catches sight of him something is very wrong with him.

Sunday morning Christian does seem a bit more like himself, I awake wrapped in my Christian flag with the flagpole at full mast, I giggle to myself at that thought "something amusing you Mrs Grey?" he asks "no" I splutter "Hmm I think there is Mrs Grey" and he proceeds to tickle me "no no no don't tickle me" I admonish him "I will tell" he then moves his hands up the sides of my body teasing but never more than a feather light touch till he is holding both my wrists in one of his hands my arms above my head, his other hand is tracing lazy patterns up and down one of my sides starting at my arm pit and ending at my knee, "tell all Mrs Grey" I giggle "I am wrapped in my Christian flag and the flagpole is at full mast" he claims my mouth with his before proceeding to claim the rest of my body with his.

We lie in each others arm sated by our lovemaking, we talk about how our lives are going to be for maybe up to eight months, we have been warned the after effects of each dose will get progressively worse, and we discuss Asia, she is going to be absolutely devastated, she adores her father, and it's not long before Christian is asleep again.

I make my way into the kitchen to find Gail making batches of pastry both sweet and savoury as well as bread dough. I say "Gail its Sunday go find that man of yours and spend the day together" She replies "he's running to blank it out and I'm baking, it's what we do" I pull her into a hug and say we all love you all too, you know" she laughs and says "we know" I leave her to it and go into the playroom where no one can see or hear me howl and curse at the world, which I do loudly once I have locked the door behind me, I feel so much better for doing that.

Christian gets out of bed just after 11am and he does eat a little better today, we spend the afternoon snuggled on the settee watching 'Gone with the Wind' I am a blubbering mess by the end of it, then it's time to pick Asia up from the airport.

A/N if you want to see Christian's holiday photos you can find a link to my pinterest board on my profile page