Chapter Thirty-Six
September 1927...
The old pick-up truck ambled along the dirt road, kicking up dust and causing the chickens in the back to cluck irritably. The skinny man lying on the truck bed with his hands behind his derby clad head, didn't care for the road conditions either. But gritted his jaw shut and remained quiet. It just did not seem safe to have his mouth open around live poultry anyway.
A pothole jolted the vehicle and a caged fowl fell from the top of a towering pile of hens and landed on the man's stomach. Before he could curse, he got a mouthful of feathers.
It was not long before the old Ford was brought to a stop alongside a field. The passenger door opened and a plump gentleman, about the same age as the one screaming about how much he hated birds in the back, slid out. In his right hand he clutched a bulky carpetbag that was as worn and faded as he suit and top hat. "Thanks!" he called cheerfully to the driver.
"Now, this will help, right?" asked the elderly man at the wheel. In one hand he clutched a bottle that read "Queeg's Fix-All Tonic".
"Sure it will," the other man replied as he took some dimes from the old coot's outstretched hand. "Have a good day, sir!" He tipped his top hat as his skinny companion hopped out of the back. The two watched as the truck became a speck in the distance.
"So," ask the thinner of the couple, "what will that do anyway"
"Dunno. It gives cats constipation and dogs diarrhea. Who knows what it'll do to a person"
"Phinny, you're a sick puppy"
"It's 'cause I hang around you so much, E.," Phineas retorted with a chuckle. They looked over the familiar plot of land before them. "It's our old haunt"
Ezra nudged him with a grin. "And old friends," he added, pointing.
A bright red and white tent was being erected. An elephant refused to budge as several men tried to push it towards a large cage. All around, people shouted orders or dragged and pushed heavy equipment. The circus had come to Liberty Square.
"What do you say we pay our little gal pal a visit before we sit up shop?" Phineas suggested, a large, placid smile on his round face.
Ezra took off his derby and slicked back the non-existent hair on his head. "I'm always up for a visit with the lovely Miss Lily." With that, the half-brothers set off for the tent.
It was difficult to imagine that the two could be related in any way. Ezra Dobbins was tall, and thin to the point of looking starved. His wiry frame, he thought, was perfectly suited to jumping out of bedroom windows at five in the morning when "certain people" who were not supposed to be home yet, according to other "certain people of the female persuasion," arrived home early, and threatened to do extreme damage to "certain parts" of Ezra. Grudgingly, he would also admit that he never got to use this talent very often. Phineas, on the other hand, was a man of average height. That is, if he quit slumping his shoulders. He had always been on the chubby side.
Both were not exactly brilliant men, but they were smart in their own ways. Ezra bragged that he was "street wise," which meant that no matter what city he was in, he could find a garbage bin to hide in as the cops ran past. More apt to using book smarts was Phineas. He was good with chemicals and any bizarre ingredient he could get his hands on. Like some sort of grifter mad scientist, Phinny could fix antidotes that professional chemists could not even dream of concocting. If he wanted to, he could cure the common cold. The trouble was he didn't want to. It was much more fun to make a hair growth formula that made every follicle on someone's arm grow four feet long. The most striking contrast between the two was their smiles; however, the biggest similarity they shared was the reaction their smiles got.
Ezra had big teeth and a big grin that was unnerving. It seemed too large for his sunken face. It made people want to watch his mouth rather than, say, their wallets. Quite the contrary was Phineas's smirk. He too had a huge smile, but it seemed so genuine, so laid back, so sweet that there could be no doubt in anyone's mind that he was trustworthy. It was very easy to hand money over to Phineas.
They had known each other since they were ten, when Phineas came to live with Ezra and his mother Eliza. Only a couple of years after Ezra was born, his mother and father had gotten a divorce on the grounds of Mr. Dobbins's affair with a Ms. Queeg. It was about ten years later when a little boy showed up on Eliza's doorstep, searching for his father. His mother had died, he explained to her. Although Eliza was still bitter about the whole ordeal, she could not leave someone as pathetic as pudgy Phineas out in the cold. Despite little Ezra's tantrum about having to share his room, the two soon became friends. Even quicker they became partners in crime. It started out as simple small things. Ezra would proudly show his mother his newest marks from school. While Eliza was contemplating whether she should punish him for such bad grades or politely encourage him to do better, Phineas would steal a cooling pie off of the windowsill. Mrs. Dobbins knew exactly what they had been doing and never punished them because the pie was always for them in the first place, and Ezra's loud compliments trying to drown out Phineas's clumsiness were always a good show.
It wasn't long before they unleashed their honed talents on an unsuspecting public.
Ezra and Phineas passed a small trailer with faded posters on the side. One read, "See the amazing Lily O' Malley! Goddess of the tightrope!" Under the flashy print was a painting of a beautiful young woman, hardly past her early twenties. She had big hazel eyes and rosy cheeks. Her dainty figure and cute smile might have fooled most men, but Ezra and Phineas knew she was as tough as they come. They would freely admit to having crushes on her, like all the other men did, when they first saw her act. Much more reluctantly they would admit that a pretty young thing like her wouldn't waste any time on poor codgers like them. After they had gotten over the infatuation though, they realized what a smart, funny girl she was, and they soon became good friends. Phineas and Ezra made sure to pay her a visit every time they happened to cross paths.
Next to her poster was one that simply read in big, black letters: Madame Leota Sees All! There was no picture of the woman. Instead, there was a pair of shockingly bright green eyes with clouds of billowing purple smoke around them. "I don't remember her from last time," muttered Phineas thoughtfully.
"Must be new," Ezra shrugged and led the way into the tent.
Much like the outside, the inside was bustling with activity. The lion tamer was tossing steaks to his faithful pets as they performed their tricks. Clowns tried to cram themselves into little cars. Clowns, Phineas and Ezra thought, were the only people on the food chain lower than them. A man in pink tights juggled flaming torches while a woman rode a unicycle while twirling large hoops on her wrist. The only thing missing was Lily. And that guy selling popcorn who always ran away when Phineas walked towards him.
"How're you doing, m'boys?" a thick Southern accent drawled happily. The grifters turned to see a potbellied gentleman with a cigar dangling between his teeth and a welcoming grin.
"Sammy!" they greeted him, shaking his hands.
Not one for impersonal pleasantries, Sam McGinnis grabbed them both into a bear hug. He was almost bald, save for two patches of greasy black hair on either side of his head. His boots were filthy from helping clean out the elephant cage. A thin, little black mustache sat under his nose. With his big, black top hat, white trousers, and bright red shirt, it was clear he was the ringmaster. After finally letting them go, he asked, "Setting up shop, boys?" He winked.
"Soon," answered Phineas, who wondered if the smell of pachyderm would ever leave him. "We just came by to see Lily"
The smile on Sammy's face fell. Thoughtfully, he puffed his cigar, as if contemplating what to say. After nearly a minute of suspense, he finally confessed, "She left"
"Wha'?" both men demanded, dumbfounded. Lily had been the star of the show. She couldn't be gone!
"Such a shame really. Well, for me anyway. The crowd always came to see her. But I suppose she's happier now"
"Did she die!" cried Phineas.
"Nope, she got married"
Ezra nudged Phineas in the ribs with his elbow playfully. "Just as bad, huh"
"A little more than a year ago, this blue-eyed young man stops by to see the show. Never saw someone watch her so intently." He tapped off the excess ash from his cigar. "Never saw Miss O' Malley blush before, neither." He smiled. "Their eyes met across a crowded tent. It was love at first sight. She got so flustered she fell right off the rope and onto his lap. How's that for fate pushing you in the right direction, eh?
"Every day we were in town, he came by to see her, bringing flowers and chocolates. Had a lot of money, that boy did. "On the last day, he came again, this time with a diamond ring and a question." The ringmaster sighed. "She made her choice." Chewing his cigar, he mumbled sadly, "I'm gonna miss 'er."
"Well, at least she found herself someone who can provide for her," Phineas said helpfully. "And someone who obviously loves her"
Sam looked up at him and blinked. "Yeah, yeah, there's that, Queeg." Another puff on the cigar. "She and her hubby paid me a visit last week when we were in Yale County, across town. He's a nice guy, really. Definitely an aristocrat. Not a snob, mind you, but he's got that... look, you know. Nice suits, speaks like everybody's listenin' to him, that sort of thing. Nice boy, though. And Lily, well, she had a belly out to here." Chuckling, he held his hand out nearly a foot past his stomach.
Ezra and Phineas didn't know what to say. It was just too hard to imagine impish Lily, the same Lily who beat the strong man at arm wrestling, like that.
"There's something that troubles me, though," said Sam thoughtfully. "They left with Leota"
"We saw the poster," Ezra felt the need to explain. "What is she anyway? Some kind of fortune teller?"
The cigar smoke moved up and down with Sam's head. "A Creole from New Orleans. She came to me askin' for a job. Looked like she'd just outrun a lynch mob. Probably did. Started out bringing in a lot of money. She has a gift, or she's a really good guesser. But..." he paused.
"What?" prompted Phineas.
Sam tapped off more ash and watched disdainfully as it fell onto his boots . "Now, you boys know I ain't no bigot. So long as you can do the job, I don't care what color you are or what god you pray to. Just so's you know I ain't sayin' this out of prejudice. But that woman, there was something off about her. The way she would look at you, like she could read your mind. Gracey, that was the name of the feller Lily ran off with, offered Leota a job at his mansion, talking to ghosts or something. Rich folk are weird like that. But the thing is, despite all that money she made, I was glad to see her go. I just wish it wasn't with Lily. I don't like the way she looks at her"
He blinked. "Of course, maybe I'm just being a superstitious fool." After one last puff, he tossed the cigar stub down onto the dirt and ground into it with the toe of his boot. The mood suddenly seemed to somehow be dampened. In a way that suggested Sam was just trying to cheer the others up, he advised, "If you boys want to catch the pre-show crowd, you best find yourselves a stage fast. They go quickly, and the prices shoot up faster than fireworks on the Fourth of July"
"Yeah," muttered Ezra. "It was nice seeing you, Sam." Feeling downtrodden, although they did not exactly know why, he and Phineas shuffled out.
"Good seein' you boys, too. Good luck today"
"Thanks!" Phineas called over his shoulder with a wave. "Seems so odd, doesn't it"
With a sigh, Ezra thrust his hands into his coat pockets. "Yeah. Come on, let's go find us some suckers."
While Phineas was in charge of procuring a stage, Ezra was working the crowd.
"Step right up! It's easy to play! There's a little stone under one of these shells." He took a rock and put it under half of a walnut shell. "Then it gets switched around." Five halves were lined up on a small metal fold out table in front of him. He hoped the sword swallower wouldn't miss it. Deft with years of practice, his thin fingers swiftly spun the shells around one another. It's like a ballet, thought Ezra. A ballet of round, brown, wrinkly, smelly things that have been in my pocket for two days. "Correctly guess where the stone is, and you win all the money in the pot!" "The pot" was his derby with the nickels of paying customers in it.
Unknown to his patrons however, the rock was tucked into Ezra's palm, held fast in his tightened hand.
It was an old ruse, one that had been around for centuries. Perfectly justified, he thought. If they were stupid enough to pay, he deserved that money. Had he been nearly caught a few times? Sure! But the point was "nearly".
Ezra had a feeling that this was going to be one of the "nearly" moments. Standing before him was a huge, burly man, watching a walnut shell with piercing beady eyes.
Ezra gulped.
Mr. Mass had kept his sights on where the pebble was, or rather, where it was supposed to be. And when the cover was lifted and he saw nothing…
Ezra didn't want to think about it. This looked like the type of guy who arm wrestled grizzly bears and won. A bead of sweat formed on the con man's brow as he continued to switch the shells, faster and faster.
And that big ape still followed it! Dobbins was a dead man. Only help from above--or below, he wasn't picky and below was more likely to help--could save him now. Saying a speedy prayer, he knew there wasn't any more point in stalling. Everything stood still. His heartbeat pounded in his ears. Tha-thump tha-thump.
Suddenly he could hear a whistling shriek. Ezra looked up in time to see a smoking beaker falling towards his face. From somewhere in the distance, he could hear Phineas yell, "Hit the deck!" In a second's time, he dove under the table, taking his derby with him. The beaker smashed and smoke oozed in all directions. Grinning, Ezra crawled out and to a safe distance away as people around him coughed and tried to wave the dense cloud away.
Good ol' Phinny! He must have noticed Ezra getting nervous. Sure enough, there was Phineas standing on a short stage and smiling like a fat cat who had just gotten away with eating a parakeet. Someone always set up a few stages when the circus came in. He jumped down as Ezra ran up.
"Glad you got my message."
"Message? I thought you were saving my life."
Shaking his head, Phineas explained, "I just wanted to let you know I've got everything set up." He gestured to a little table on the stage. Glancing down at the hat held in Ezra's hands, he asked, "How much did you make?"
"Couple of dollars." Emptying the money into a hidden compartment in the carpet bag, he continued, "Almost got busted."
"By who?"
"Big guy. Little piggy eyes. Watched me like a hawk." Ezra put his derby on. "All right. Let's get cracking." He disappeared into the crowd as Phineas began to empty his wares onto the table. As he shuffled through the throng, Dobbins made a show of pointing at the stage and muttering "Ooh! Look!"
Soon, Phineas had a captive audience. Standing behind his table with the jars and bottles around him, he was in his natural element. Ezra made have liked working one-on-one with his games of no-chance, but Phineas loved working a crowd. A mob seemed to share only one brain, and if he could entertain that one brain, the dough would be rolling in.
He cleared his throat.
"Come one, come all!
Ha ha! I'm Phinny Q,
And I've got a Q for you!
Do you suffer from unease?
Feel weak in the knees?
Think you're allergic to bees?
Well have I got the exlixir
That's sure to fix your
Troubles and woes!
Just take a sip,
And in a nip
You'll be right back on your toes!"
The crowd was enthralled. People had their fancy cinema and their "talkies", but nothing could ever beat live entertainment. Especially when that live entertainment promised you a wonder cure.
"Yessiree folks, I have the cure-all
For all your aches and ills.
Trust me, and you'll see
It works faster than any pills!"
Scanning his eyes over the crowd, he spotted Ezra. Phineas rubbed his hands together and Ezra winked back, subtle signals that no one would pick up on.
"Now anyone out there feeling sick?"
Among the crowd of yelling people, Ezra called out, "I am! I am!"
"Get up here on the stage boy, quick!" After Ezra scrambled up, he asked, "What's your name son?"
"Dupe'd," the skinny con replied weakly. "John Dupe'd."
With a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, Phineas asked, "Are you feeling sore, Johnny boy?"
"Oh, more than I can bear!" Ezra cried dramatically, putting a hand to his brow. Limping to the table, he moaned, "Doc, I can't hardly walk. There's a pain in my back, and when I walk it makes a loud 'crack!'." Straightening up, his spine cracked. "And I don't know what I'm gonna do!"
Beaming, the salesman picked up one of the bottles and handed it to Ezra. "Well, I'll tell you! I know your pain is rather bad, but cheer up lad! You'll be fine if these directions you follow. Here, take my tonic and give it a swallow!'
Taking the elixir, "John" put it to his lips. Adam's apple bobbing up and down, he pretended to chug it. Then he put it down and wiped his mouth with an exaggerated sigh of contentment. "I feel--" He gagged. "Phinny," he hissed into the other's ear, "I think a drop got on my tongue! That hot dog's coming up!"
"Shh! Stay in character!" Louder, for the audience to hear, Queeg, asked, "Sir, how do you feel?"
"Like my shoes are gonna be wearin' my lunch any second…er, I feel dandy!" Just to show how dandy he felt, Ezra did a cartwheel. Springing back up, he announced, "All my pain is gone! Thank you, o kind and wonderful stranger!"
The crowd was jubilant. Cheering and shouting, they held their hands up in the air, cash in their fists. Saying his thanks, Phineas exchanged the money for bottles of his tonic. As the crowd cheered, he and his half-brother did their own little dance on the stage, singing a ditty that no one seemed to catch the words to.
"Ezra and Phineas"
"Phineas and Ezra"
"Wheelin' and dealin!
Griftin' and driftin!
You think we be sellin,
But we be 'a' stealin'!
"Scammin' and shammin'
Schemin' and plannin'
'Till the day we die!
We--"
Ezra stopped mid-jig. An all too familiar looking vehicle was creeping up behind the circus tent. Recognizing that particular style of Ford immediately, he tugged on Phineas's sleeve. "Buddy, we got trouble! Flivver!"
Looking down at the stage, the pudgy one remarked, "Where's a fiver?"
"No! Flivver!" Grabbing Phineas's head, he turned it to the cop car. "Look!"
"You don't think…?"
A voice from the crowd called, "You two are under arrest!"
Looking down, they saw the man with the beady eyes. He was holding up a shiny badge. "We've been on your case for a long time now. On a personal level, taking you in is going to be the highlight of my career!"
"Why's that?" Phineas giggled nervously.
"Three months ago, I bought a hair growth tonic from you…" Reaching down, he pulled up the ankles of his pants clear up to his knees. His legs were covered in thick, curly black hair.
Snickering, Phineas joked, "Looks like a couple of poodles fell in love with him."
Not wanting to waste valuable time with one-liners, Ezra shouted, "RUN!" Phineas grabbed the bag and together they took off.
"GET BACK HERE YOU LOUSY BUMS!" The police officer gave chase. They could hear the cars not too far behind, either.
"I take offense to that," muttered Ezra. "Vagrant, maybe. Sleaze sure. But 'bum'? I work hard for my money!" Getting an idea, he turned to his half-brother. "Hey, you remember how you called me a lazy good for nothing beggar this morning?"
"Not really, but--" He was suddenly tripped.
"Don't have to outrun the cops, just gotta outrun you!" Ezra called over his shoulder, carpetbag in hand. "No hard feelings, buddy!"
Spitting out dirt, Phineas pushed himself back up and ran after Dobbins. "None at all!" He grabbed the waist of Ezra's trousers and yanked them down. Watching him try to scramble with his pants around his ankles, Phineas laughed and took the bag. "Nice underwear! Those hearts are you!" Still laughing and looking behind him, he didn't see the cop car.
BAM!
Shaking his head, he looked up to see a gun pointed at him. "Uh-heh. Hi officer." Ezra had the barrel of a revolver jammed against his back.
"Phineas Queeg and Ezra Dobbins, you're under arrest."
"At least let me pull my pants up! Ow! Careful where you're jammin' that thing!"
"This is cruel and unusual!" Ezra cried, raking his tin cup along the bars of his and Phineas's jail cell.
"Aw, pipe down!" a guard yelled. "Or you won't get any dinner!"
"Oh yes, flavorless gruel and stale bread! Be still my beating heart!"
A chunk of stale bread was flung at him and clocked him right in the face.
Phineas stared at the floor thoughtfully from his seat on the lower cot of the bunk bed. "Whining only makes it worse."
"Yeah, well," Ezra rubbed the bruise on his forehead, "the governor will hear about this!"
"Yeah, and he'll laugh, too. We sold him some cough syrup last year."
"I wonder if he ever got his voice back…"
They listened as the door to the jail creaked open. There was scuffling and the sounds of a struggle. Whoever they just brought in had to be huge! From the skirmish, they could hear a guard yell, "We got one in from the nut farm! Seems he was too much for them to handle!"
The guard who had thrown the bread sighed. "I hate it when they do that!"
"Well," the one out of sight said, "he's calmed down a little. Got a shackle on 'im! Hold still!" He grunted with effort at something. "There! We got someplace to put 'im?"
Smirking evilly at Ezra and Phineas, the other guard said, "We sure do! Just toss him in the cell with those two tramps!"
Paling in fear, the two con men looked at each other in shock. "No! Please don't!" they screamed.
"Phinny!" Ezra clung to him, shaking. "Is it true what they say about crazy men in prison!" Both praying for mercy, they trembled and sobbed, cowering in the far corner. They shut their eyes tightly as the shadows of the guard and their new cellmate appeared on the wall. The cell door squeaked open. A shouting, cussing thing was flung in. Then the door was quickly shut again.
After a few seconds of nothing happening, the brothers slowly opened their eyes. Blinking confusedly, they stared in incomprehension at the man who stood before them.
He was short. That was an understatement. He wore a grubby long shirt and a pair of smudged pants and shoes. A messy mop of hair sat on his head. Trailing from his face to his toes was a thick, scruffy beard. The ball and chain around his ankle seemed too harsh for the little guy.
Laughing, Ezra asked, "Who's the midget?"
Taking up the chain in his hands, the man raised up the metal ball and clobbered Ezra with it.
"Aw!" Phineas gushed as Ezra collapsed unconscious on the floor. "He's so cute! Like a big, furry hamster! What's your name?"
Stepping over the comatose thin man who was mumbling incoherently, he stuck out a small hand. "Gus Gracey!"
Shaking the offered hand, Phineas introduced himself. "I'm Phineas Queeg and that's Ezra Dobbins." He pointed to the latter.
"…mommy the waffles are cold…"
"He'll wake up soon. In from the mental ward, are you?"
Gus nodded.
"Welcome to our little corner of purgatory! Since E's sleeping on the floor you can take the top bunk. Dinner's at six."
"…don't look at me, Sammy. I don't know how the elephant got that bullwhip…"
"Face it, you're not that skinny!" Phineas chided, dipping his bread into his gruel.
Grunting, Ezra tried to reach a little farther. He had managed to wedge himself in-between two of the cell bars and was now trying to reach the keys. They were dangling tauntingly from a nail hammered into the wall that their room was adjacent to. His fingers brushed against the iron! He just about had it!
"Uh-uh!" Chuckling, their new friend Joe the guard picked up the keys and tossed it on his desk. "Nice try." He walked away, leaving Ezra to curse under his breath.
"Smug sonofa…" He grunted and wriggled. "Uh, guys, I'm stuck."
"Maybe," Phineas said, "we should just wait a couple of days for our trial. Then we can plot how to get out of prison. Or better yet, let's plead insanity!" He looked at Gus, who shook his head. "Yeah, we'll probably just end up back here. Hmm…"
"Can someone please pull me in? This is really painful!"
"Fine!" Grabbing Ezra's legs, Phineas and Gus pulled.
"No! Wait! Push me out!" But he was tugged back in. "I said push me out! I was already half way there!"
"Only a third," sighed Phineas. "We'd probably break a few of your ribs in the process. Your moaning and whining is bad enough without you actually in any kind of pain." He suddenly got that look on his face that suggested he either had an idea or indigestion. "I wonder…" Rapping his fingers against the bars, he listened to the answering pings. "Gussie, give this a little love tap, would you?"
Gus scampered up. He spit on his hands and picked up his chain. After a few good swings, he slammed the metal ball against a bar. It shifted, just slightly. The trio waited for the ensuing footsteps of Joe. When they didn't hear anything, Gus hit the bar again and again. The third time was the charm. It fell and Phineas grabbed it before it could clatter on the floor.
"Now Ezra!" he hissed.
Shimmying through, Ezra tip-toed to the desk and grabbed the keys. Hands shaking, he jammed one into the lock. It didn't work. He tried another.
In the near distance, a toilet flushed.
"Holy--!" Furiously, he put in another, and another. A door opened and closed. The last key! It had to work! Footsteps came closer. Phineas and Gus frantically wrestled with the bar and shoved it back in placed. The lock clicked. Ezra opened the door.
"What is the bozo trio up to?"
Ezra ran into the cell and slammed the door shut. He thrust the keys into his pocket just as Joe walked by. The three convicts tried their best to look casual.
"Well boys," said Joe, "my shift's over. Bob's going to baby-sit you now."
"Is Bob as kind and caring as you?" Phineas asked.
"Oh no. Bob's much, much meaner. Goodnight!" Laughing, he left them. He hadn't even checked for the keys!
"Let's hope Bob's just as stupid," snickered Ezra, patting his pocket.
They waited until midnight to enact their plan. Just like some cliché cartoon, Bob fell asleep in his chair, feet propped up on the desk, snoring loud enough to keep Ezra, Gus, and Phineas wide awake. Carefully, Ezra unlocked the door and they quietly slunk out. Gus even held the ball so it wouldn't drag on the floor. Unfortunately, none of the keys seemed to work on his shackles.
"Wait," whispered Phineas. "My bag!"
"Leave it!"
"No, it has our money!"
The carpetbag was tucked under the guard's desk. Crawling on his hands and knees, Queeg approached the desk. Bob shifted in his sleep, making the pudgy felon halt in fear. When nothing further than a scratch on the nose happened, Phinny reached past the guard's feet, slowly pulled out his bag, got up, and then dashed away with Ezra and Gus at his heels.
Snorting, Bob woke up to see them running around a corner and out of sight. Baffled he shot a look at the cell. The door was wide open with the key still in the lock. Trying to get up quickly, he fell.
"BREAKOUT!"
All of the lights turned on in the city jail and the cops on duty sprang into action. Not ones to surrender, Phineas threw random jars, Gus knocked out a few police officers, and Ezra hurled insults. In what seemed like a blur of action and near heart attacks, the trio was outside.
They couldn't believe it! They had gotten out! They had just broken out of jail!
Panting, Phineas grinned. "We make a good team!"
"GET THEM!"
"But congrats can be said later! Book!"
Through the night and into the early hours of the morning, they ran. They found a patch of woods just as the sun was rising. Hiding there, they managed to catch a short nap. When he spied a cute, cuddly forest creature, Gus killed it and they cooked it for breakfast. Plenty of the concoctions Phineas had made caught flame easily enough to burn down the entire forest. Thankfully, that wouldn't be a problem. It soon started to rain. Grumbling, the three soon set off again in the after noon.
By sunset, they had found a road and followed it out of the woods. Thumbs out, they tried hitchhiking with no luck. The downpour made any on-coming traffic difficult to see. They were starting to worry when thunder crashed above them. Lightning was the last thing they needed.
A streak of brilliant light lit up the night sky, illuminating their surroundings for a brief second.
"Ezra," Phineas peered ahead of them, "did you see that?"
"What?"
"A house!" He waited a few seconds and the sky was lit again. "There! It's a mansion!" They ran up to the wrought iron gate. On either side of it were brick columns with bronze placards on them. Peering closely, Phineas could make out the imprinted letters as lightning flashed again. "Gracey Manor? Do you see this? Do you know what it means!"
Ezra had seen it. He had also seen the graveyard. "Creepy rich weirdoes?"
"No! Sam said Lily had married some guy named Gracey! That's his mansion! It has to be! Lily will let us stay, and if Gus is who he said he was--"
"Twinkles, Happy Fairy of Everlasting Rainbows?"
"No, before he ate those berries. He said he was--"
Gus jumped up and down excitedly. Thanks to the shackle, he couldn't get very high. "Gus Gracey!"
"Exactly! So even if Lily's hubby doesn't want us there, he would have to take us in!"
"Or he could kick us to the curb and just take in Gus," Ezra pointed out flatly.
"Nah. That would make him look bad. Rich people are all about appearance and pretending to care about the poor. Trust me, nothing can go wrong!"
A pair of headlights suddenly rushed into view. With a scream, Phineas and Ezra flung themselves into a ditch.
Gus didn't act in time.
"NO!" the brothers cried out. They jumped up as the car slowed to a stop. It was a maroon BMW, long and sleek. The windshield wipers whipped back and forth, like the tail of an agitated cat. A dent and a red stain now adorned the front left headlight.
Phineas approached Gus's still little bloody body. The dwarf had been facing the car and had caught the headlight right in the teeth. Knowing it was pointless, Phineas held a hand over Gus's mouth to feel for a breath. Then he felt his wrist for pulse. "He's dead!"
"Oh God," Ezra mumbled. "Poor little guy. Without him we…" He turned an angry glare to the car. The driver couldn't possibly have seen Gus, really. But he felt like he needed to blame someone, especially because he wanted to stop feeling guilty. If he had not wanted to break out so badly, this wouldn't have happened.
Ezra and Phineas heard the whirring of the window rolling down. Stepping up to it, they could make out the face of the driver. It was a dark woman, with a bandana adorning her head to keep her hair down, and large gold hoop earrings. Her eyes were oddly familiar. They were an unnatural green. Not only should genetics have dictated that they be brown, but this green should only show up on poisonous frogs found in rain forests.
Staring at them disdainfully, the woman asked in a New Orleans accent, "Do you have any idea how much this car is worth?"
Ezra's jaw dropped in shock. "The car? You're worried about the car! Lady, you just killed a man!" he screamed. "My friend is lying dead on the road now!"
"Did I?" she asked calmly. "Well, he shouldn't have been in the way." With that, she began rolling up the window.
"Wait!" shouted Phineas hesitantly. "Do you know who that man was?"
"Do you know who I am?"
Ignoring her question, he continued. "He was Gus Gracey, close relative and friend to George Gracey! We were stopping by for a visit." It wasn't a total lie, but the ring of truth to it was dull. "I don't know if you know this, but George Gracey happens to be a very wealthy, very influential man around here!" He wasn't exactly sure what scam he was trying to pull. It just seemed like a good idea.
The driver was visibly taken aback by this. "Gracey you say?" She frowned. "Put him in the backseat and get in. I'm on my way to the mansion."
Surprised and still stunned by the events, the cons carefully hoisted Gus up. Solemnly, they gently placed him in.
"Be careful you don't get too much gore on the cushions."
Ezra shot another glare at her as they climbed in. He had known her for three minutes and he already hated her. She started up the car again and rolled through the gate and up the long driveway.
"By the way," asked Phineas, "who are you? Have we met before?"
Those piercing eyes flickered up to the rearview mirror for a second. "Leota."
"That's it?"
"Madame Leota. I am Master Gracey's live-in medium."
Crossing his arms over his chest, Ezra mumbled, "Rich weirdoes."
Trying to be friendly, the pudgy man said, "Uh, I'm Phineas Queeg, and this is my business associate and half-brother, Ezra Dobbins."
"What's in the bag?"
Clutching the carpetbag tightly, Queeg simply answered, "Necessities."
She didn't question further, or even speak for that matter, as she parked. When she got out, the others took it as a cue to, too. Following Leota up the front steps, Phineas held his carpetbag and Ezra carried Gus. Before she could unlock the front door, it opened.
Before them stood a young man not yet through his mid twenties. He was slender, with a thin face and neatly combed dark brown hair. Like Leota, his eyes stood out above his other features. They were a bright cerulean.
Shyly, he peeked around Leota's shoulder at Ezra and Phineas. "I take it the store had a sale on men. Buy one get one free?" Looking down, his gaze caught the form of Gus. "What happened!" he cried out in horror.
Leota brushed past him, water dripping off her coat and onto the foyer carpet. "They were out of sea salt and chalk. I'll have to check back tomorrow."
"No, what happened to him? Oh you poor fellows, come in, come in!" the aristocrat ushered them in and then offered to take their coats and hats after Gus had been cocooned in a blanket and set on the couch.
"I'm afraid it's all my fault," Leota sobbed. "These poor gentlemen were walking in the road and I accidentally hit him!" Face cupped in her hands, she bawled.
Ezra and Phineas shot looks to each other as the man tried to comfort her. "Psycho," the skinny one mouthed.
Excusing herself, Leota left. She wiped away tears that never filled her eyes as she went.
"Pardon my rudeness," the blue-eyed man stepped up to them. "I'm George Gracey. You are?"
A squeal interrupted them. "Ezzie? Phinny?" Before they could react, someone had run up between them and wrapped her arms around their shoulders.
"Lily!" they called out happily, each pulling her into a hug. After what they had been through, she was a welcome sight. Other than the obvious pregnancy, she hadn't changed much. Her hazel eyes still twinkled in that same mischievous way.
Looking at her belly, Ezra joked, "We leave you alone for a little bit and this is what happens? Shame!"
Chuckling, she retorted, "Not much to do around here without you boys for entertainment."
George cleared his throat. "Care to introduce me?" He quirked an eyebrow.
"George," Lily beamed, "these are two very good friends of mine: Ezra Dobbins and Phineas Queeg."
"Howdy-do?" asked Phineas, shaking George's hand.
"Phineas is a…" She faltered. "Chemist, of sorts. He and Ezra used to stop by the circus and sell their tonic."
"Grifters," George stated.
Smiling his laid back smile, Phineas chirped, "We prefer entrepreneurs." When George didn't laugh, he continued nervously. "The reason we're here is that Gus wanted to visit you. You see, he's a relative of yours." Phinny pointed to the bloodstained lumpy blanket on the couch. Behind him, Lily gasped.
With a heavy thump, the metal ball rolled out from under the blanket and hit the floor.
"What was that for?" asked George.
Looking down at it, Ezra quickly answered, "Jogging. He liked wearing weights whenever he went out walking. Keeps the legs strong."
George arched an eyebrow dubiously. "Other than me, did he have any family?"
"Not that we know of," said Phineas. "He never mentioned them to us. I think we were his only friends, too. Pathetic, isn't it?"
Master Gracey sighed. "I'll put him in one of the crypts out back tonight and tomorrow we'll give him a proper burial." He looked as if he was going to regret what he was about to say. "Do you two have any place to stay for the night?"
"No," they both quickly answered at once.
Sounding even more regretful, he shot a look at Lily and said, "You two can stay as long as you need to rest and recuperate. The storm has calmed, so if you would please, help me with the body. Then I can get you a meal and a couple of rooms."
Lily smiled at them and they grinned back. Too low for the married couple to hear, Ezra whispered to Phineas, "Moochie moochie! We have hit a gold mine, my friend!" Phineas smirked back at him. Despite their humor though, their gazes couldn't help but wander in the direction where Leota went.
The funeral was brief and took place without any problems. Leota showed up with every inch of her body covered in black. She even had a long black lace veil that hid her face. After everyone else had left, Phineas and Ezra lingered behind to say their own prayers for Gus. They mainly consisted of apologies and thanks.
Two more weeks went by and it seemed George had become accustomed to the thought of the two vagrants hanging around. He didn't ask them if they would be leaving soon or if they could find somewhere else to stay. With his wealth, he could have paid for fancy hotel rooms for them for a month. Instead, he came to like their company as much as Lily did. They found out that when you got past the pretentious façade he put up around business partners and clients, he was actually a fun guy with an unique sense of humor.
But "unique" was a mild term. Master Gracey's eccentrics was something they had to get used to. They figured Gus must have been right about being related to him because weirdness had to run in the family. George's obsession with the supernatural was a bit off-putting at first, but they soon got used to it. Now, they didn't even flinch when they passed by the ancient Egyptian sarcophagus, complete with mummy, on the way to the bathroom. Although, they had to admit they were a bit grateful when George put it in the backyard as a Halloween decoration.
The longer they stayed, though, the more it seemed they were drifting apart. They didn't talk as often anymore. Phineas had not made any new concoctions for them to sell and no new scams had been planned. Life at the mansion was comfortable, Ezra had to admit, but it was a bit dull. At the same time, however, he still had a sense of unease that wouldn't leave.
His brother, the only person he would have confessed these feelings to, was too preoccupied to hear him out. Lately, almost all of Phineas's attention had been placed on someone else.
Amelia Audley.
According to social standing rules, she was out of bounds for him. But he didn't care and neither did she. She was about middle aged, pleasantly plump, and had a head of beautiful bright red hair. Phineas loved her vivacious and outgoing nature. And she was every bit as scheming as he was! When she had whispered to him that she was secretly part of a bootlegging ring, he nearly dropped to one knee and proposed to her right there. For hours, they would chat in their own corner of the ballroom, downing bottles of wine.
Ezra had to find his entertainment elsewhere. Usually he played games of darts, poker, or pool with George and Lily. He found out that if you steered the aristocrat away from the topic of the occult, he could tell you interesting facts about the legal system. He would lecture about things like loopholes and defense strategies as easily as one could discuss the weather. And he would do it without pocketing the cue ball. Fresh out of law school, he dreamed of one day becoming the state's most famous attorney.
It was during the third week of their stay when things began to go downhill.
The day had gone on normally. Ezra and George were playing a game of darts. (Lily was resting). Right now the discussion was on George's impending fatherhood.
"Soon Dobbins," George grinned, "I'm going to be a father! Me!" He hit the bull's-eye. "Can you imagine it?" He laughed giddily, just glowing with joy.
Ezra could imagine it actually. What he pictured was a carousel slowly twirling above the baby's crib. Instead of stars and a sun and moon, though, there would be shrunken heads, a rabbit's foot, and an ankh. He had to stop himself from snickering when he thought of the kid being baptized in sheep's blood. Hopefully, Lily would stop George from warping their child too much.
"And he'll go to only the best schools," George prattled on. "And I'll read to him every night and play games with him every day. This Gracey generation isn't going to screw up!"
Ezra wasn't sure what the young man meant by that. Rather than question it, he stepped forward for his turn. Taking careful aim, he smiled slyly. "Congratulations! Not just on the kid, but snagging Lily." He whistled. Pushing George's buttons was a pass time for him. It was all in good fun, of course, but it was so funny to watch him get flustered. "Man, you're a lucky guy. I mean, even with one in the oven, she's smoking' hot. I could watch her walk the tightrope any day--YOWCH!"
"Bull's-eye," George chuckled. "Be thankful you weren't facing me."
Ezra reached behind him and pulled the dart out of the seat of his pants. "Okay, maybe I deserved that." He stared at the tip of the dart. "You drew blood, you pompous windbag!"
George's laughter was interrupted by a shriek. Both of the men ran out to see what the commotion was. They followed the scream to the hallway, where Phineas lay on the floor, smirking. Leota's door slammed in his face.
"That woman cannot take a joke!" he laughed.
"What happened?" asked Ezra.
Phineas stood up and dusted himself off. "This morning I gave the Madame my sore throat remedy."
Ezra put his face in his hand. "Why?"
"She had a sore throat. Anyway, the side-effects started kicking in." His smile grew wider. "All this morning she was croaking like a toad, and now, her voice is completely gone! Oh, boy is she miffed! She grabbed me as I was walking by and shook me and then flung me down on the floor." Laughing again, he continued on his way to the ballroom.
A few days later, they had company over. It consisted of three English siblings: Dustin, Asher and Bea. Asher, who worked with George, had to leave early. The other two stayed well past midnight. Dustin was true to his soft spoken nature and remained quiet most of the night. Bea and Amelia had gabbed on incessantly until the young woman had decided to lay down in a guest room.
Phineas had undergone a change. He was pale and clammy. Even at Amelia's insistence, he would not eat. Even though he had only skipped meals for a couple of days, it looked as if he had dropped considerable weight.
Ezra was worried. When he was worried he was agitated by the littlest things. Tonight, the radio was getting on his nerves.
"Ain't never anything good on at this time," he griped. "No one plays new music this late." After flopping down on the couch, he'd gotten into an argument with Phineas over what kind of music was better. Lily had calmed them all down by singing. Right after the song, she and George had nodded off. Amelia and Dustin went to the kitchen to discuss something in private.
Uncomfortable with the quietness, Ezra turned on the radio again. Instead of music he got a news broadcast. "This just in. Liberty Square police have once again resumed their search for the three escaped convicts, Gu--" Ezra quickly shut it off with a curse.
Shaking his brother's shoulder, he hissed, "Psst! Phineas! Phinny, wake up!"
"Huh?" Phineas stared at him blearily.
"We need to talk."
After they had gone into Phineas's room and the door was shut, the thin man took on a look of panic. "Phinny, we need to leave!"
"Why?" he blinked and yawned.
"The cops are after us again." Ezra had to fight to keep his voice low and steady. "We need to get your bag and get out."
Phineas's was now fully awake. "I don't want to leave."
Ezra sputtered. "What? Are you stupid? They're going to find us!"
"They're not going to search here! The police don't bother rich folk."
"What if they start asking around? Asher, Bea, and Dustin know we're here. How can we trust them not to blab? I mean, Asher looks like the type of guy who'd turn his own mother in if it meant a cash reward!" He scowled. "This isn't about the police at all, is it? It's about that woman!" He pointed an accusing finger.
Phineas glared back at Ezra. "I happen to love that woman! I'm staying!"
"Fine!" Ezra snapped. "Then give me the money and I'll leave!" He picked up the carpetbag. Phineas had always left it under his bed.
"What! That money's mine!" Phineas tried to grab the bag back, instead they ended up in a tug of war.
"After all those times I had to drink that junk and humiliate myself in front of the crowd, I deserve it!"
"If it wasn't for me, you'd be asking for handouts on the street!" Phineas pulled.
Ezra tugged back. "I would be fine without you! My pick pocketing and games are what bring in the most cash, anyway!"
"Okay then, I'll keep the money and you can make double it by yourself!"
Suddenly, they stopped. The perfect solution popped into their minds. "Let's split it," they said at once.
"Fine," grunted Phineas. "Forty-sixty!"
"That sixty better be mine!"
"Dream on!"
There was a soft sound right outside the door, a quiet shuffling. Slippers on carpet.
Letting go of the bag, Ezra muttered, "We'll finish this tomorrow." As he stepped out, he almost bumped into Madame Leota. "Sorry."
Her green gaze followed him for a while and a wicked smirk danced across her face.
The next day, Ezra heard news that left him reeling.
Phineas was dead. He'd passed away sometime during the night. Not only that, but when the coroner came by he had recognized Ezra (he'd bought a hair growth tonic last year), and had alerted the authorities.
Ezra's bad luck didn't end there. While he was sitting in jail awaiting his trial, an autopsy revealed poison in his fat friend's system. Now he was suspected of murder!
Looking out through the bars of his cell at his attorney/friend, Ezra moaned, "I didn't do it, George!"
Shaking his head, Gracey sighed. "I know you didn't. I just have to prove it to a jury. I won't lie. It's going to be tough. Leota says she heard you two having an argument the night he died. She's going to testify for the plaintiff."
Ezra glowered. "She hated him!"
The young man shrugged. "Yes, but she feels compelled the let what she heard be known."
"She hates me too. Probably wants to have me hanged." He noticed that George looked tired and nervous. He had a feeling it wasn't due to the case. "What's wrong?"
Looking down, George mumbled, "Don't worry about it."
"Of course I'm going to be worried! You're the only thing that stands between me and life in prison! I can't afford to have you upset!" Bars clutched tightly, he tried to shake them. "Spill!"
With a sigh, George confessed, "I think Lily's due soon. I'm worried that while I'm here, I'm going to miss my child being born. Leota was going to stay with her as long as she can, but with the trial tomorrow, she has to leave tonight."
Shoulders sinking, Ezra stared down at his feet. "I'm sorry." He sat down heavily on his cot. "I know you'd want to be there with her more than anything." Secretly, he was glad Leota would be leaving. He didn't want that witch around Lily and the baby. If he was going to go to prison at Leota's word, at least it would mean Lily would be out of danger for the time being. "I'm so sorry."
George put on a fake smile. "Don't think on it for another moment. You just get some rest for tomorrow. You'll need your wits. I know you have plenty of those. You'll be fine."
Ezra watched his friend leave. That night, nightmares kept him awake.
Things had spiraled from bad to worse. Asher was the prosecuting attorney. He may have butchered the English language around family and friends, but when he wanted to, he could be eloquent. Looking at the jury, Ezra wondered if his accent made him sound smarter. Asher was smug, conniving, and confident. It was like seeing a different man when he was sober. The only similarity between that Asher and the Asher at the get-together was that cruel look in his dark eyes.
Past customers of Phineas's wonder cure had been called and came forward to talk about their horrible experiences. The cops had testified against Ezra in regards to the breakout. When Leota came forward, he knew he was sunk.
She spoke softly, still healing from the syrup. In detail, she recounted word for word the argument the brother had the night of Phineas's death. George's only real defense was pointing out that she had heard what had gone on behind a closed door.
Ezra was sweating bullets when the mortician took the stand. It turned out Phineas had suffered from a mild case of pneumonia, probably due to running out in the rain. It had been the poison, though, that had actually killed him.
The jury was glaring at him now. He could see the wheels turning in their minds. Of course he would kill Phineas! They were on the lam! Phineas had wanted to stay and keep the cash for himself! Ezra wanted to sneak away while he had the chance! There were his motives. He had the means. Phineas kept all sorts of bottles and ingredients in his bag. He would have gotten the poison there!
But Phineas had not kept poison in his bag. He might have had a mischievous streak and a rotten sense of humor, but he would not actually hurt anyone. It was a rule they both followed.
"Would the defendant like to speak on his behalf?" the judge's voice interrupted Ezra's thoughts.
George gave a short nod. This was Ezra's chance! He just had to tell them how much he had loved Phineas and how he was not only his brother and business associate, but his closest friend. Yes, the justice system would prevail and the truth would set him free! Well, actually, the truth would get him a heavy fine and a few years in prison. But there was always time off for good behavior.
"Yes, your honor," Ezra declared. "I would like to say a few words!" He stood up, his coat brushing against the desk.
Plink!
"Wha'?"
"What do you have in your pocket?" George hissed.
"I didn't put anything there! You brought me my coat this morning!"
"Mr. Dobbins," the judge commanded, "empty your pockets, please."
Reaching in, Ezra felt a glass bottle. Completely bewildered, he took it out. A guard rushed forward, took it, and then brought it up for the judge. Adjusting his spectacles, he read the label out loud. "'Exterminex Brand Pest Poison for Household Vermin. Warning: Can be lethal to humans. If consumed, contact hospital immediately.'"
The entire courtroom was in an uproar. "I wouldn't be that stupid!" Ezra screamed. George had to restrain him as he struggled. He didn't know where he would have run to. The front of the room to protest his innocence? To the jury box to punch each and every member? To strangle the judge?
"Order! Order!" the black robed man banged his gavel. "This court will go into a short recess while the jury reaches its verdict."
At first the time had dragged on. But now it blazed by, an hour passing in what felt like five seconds. George kept trying to comfort Ezra, but it was no use.
"Court is now back in session. Would the jury please read its verdict?"
The oldest man in the jury stood, paper in hand. "We find the defendant…"
Please God grant me some luck!
"…guilty of all charges, including petty theft, grifting, plotting and commiting a jail escape, and first degree murder."
The judge banged his gavel.
Ezra went numb. "I DIDN'T KILL HIM!"
"Mr. Dobbins, be quiet!"
"Who the hell would be stupid enough to bring a murder weapon to their own trial!"
"Mr. Dobbins--"
"Shut up! I loved him! He was my brother! My friend! I wouldn't have hurt him for all the money in the world!"
"Ezra!" George hissed.
He ignored him. "We saw each other through some tough times, and I am not about to--"
Banging his gavel, the judge shouted, "Mr. Dobbins, I hereby sentence you to execution by electric chair!"
"NO!" he and George screamed. When Ezra tried to run, two guards grabbed him by his arms and hauled him away.
"NO! STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'M AN INNOCENT MAN! PLEASE!" Tears poured down his cheeks. He was going to die! He was innocent and he was going to die! "What about Sacco and Vanzetti! They were innocent! You don't want that to happen all over again, do you!" Frantically he cried for his friend. "George, help! Please, George! Asher, you know me! How could you do this? I thought we were buds!" Digging his heels into the floor, he continued to scream.
"Sorry mate," said Asher, patting him on the shoulder as he was dragged past. "It's my job. Too bad." He smirked.
"I HATE YOU, YOU LIMEY TEA SUCKING, DRUNKEN BA--" The courtroom doors slammed behind him, cutting off the rest of his insult.
George stood there, numbly staring. He had failed his friend when he'd needed him most. Turning, he saw Asher walk out with Leota.
Winking at George, he said, "Those are the breaks, mate. Part o' the business. Either way, we still get paid!" He laughed, arm in arm with the medium.
When the rest of the room was empty, George was still standing there. "I'm sorry Ezra"
"And then," Phineas smiled at Destiny, "E. ended up joining us shortly after. We found out Gus had been here from the moment he was hit. It's weird. We didn't see any of the ghosts when we were alive, and the instant we were back, it was like, 'Whoa! Where did these guys come from!' After seeing them again," he put his arms around Ezra and Gus's shoulders, "it really puts into perspective what the important things are."
Ezra laughed. "Just had to cram in that little nugget of moral joy, didn't you?"
"Well we have to make sure the kids learn a lesson, don't we? You know things just can't be entertaining nowadays. Got to make 'em think a little." He tapped the side of his head.
"Yeah!" crowed Gus. "'Cause the more you learn--"
Phineas clapped a hand over his mouth. "No need to turn this into an after school special, Gussie."
"We were also the first friendly ghosts George ever saw," said Ezra. "After he died, he was completely clueless. We had to explain the whole 'you're-not-really-going-on-to-anywhere-when-you-pass-on' thing. Poor guy was so confused and scared."
Destiny thought on all of it for a moment. "And the hopping into people's cars thing?"
The trio looked at each other and shrugged. "For kicks," they answered simultaneously.
"What about the poison? Where'd it come from?"
"Oh," Phineas grumbled, "that was Leota. She was the one who had brought Ezra's coat when she drove up for the trial. Then she handed it to George to give to Ezra. I saw her put the bottle into the pocket myself. I would have stopped her. I tried. I was still getting used to the whole being dead thing. And George was trusting enough of her just to pass it on without a second thought."
The mortal still looked thoughtful. One part of their story was nagging at her. But it was something she would have to discuss with Dustin later.
"Sorry you guys went through all that. I never would have guessed. And here I thought you were just a bunch of goofs."
"Oh we still are," Phineas quipped. "Now we're just a bunch of goofs with a back story. And don't feel bad. They say things happen for a reason."
Destiny smiled and mused on this quietly. But she could hear Ezra mutter, "Yeah, even if that reason is to screw you over. Bleh." She tried not to laugh. He grinned at her and winked. "Gotta keep a sense of humor, kid. Otherwise life--"
"Afterlife!" cried Gus.
"Ain't worth livin'."