A/N: Constant vigilence...the POV changes back and forth in this chapter...more than once!
As I Am (Kelani)
QUINN'S POV
Coming here was risky, I'm aware it could all blow up in my face but I am so tired of waiting for things to just happen one day.
I'm tired of watching her world crash down around her over and over again. I'm tired of seeing all of her talents and charisma wasting away while I am flying so high.
Every thing has been magical, perfectly perfect in my neck of the woods but every thing that I hear about her and the things that are going on because of Brittany's suicide attempt are bad and I have had to read between the lines to know that she's falling apart because no one tells me that and she is too attached to her pride to admit it freely.
From what I can tell, everyone is circling around Brittany like sharks, more than they did around me after my accident. Noah says its because they learned from their mistakes but I think it's because people are addicted to tragedy.
But Brittany did that to herself.
I didn't go out looking to have my spine crushed, did I play a hand in it by texting and driving? Absolutely, but I wasn't looking to break my back...she put a gun to her head, knowing what the outcome could be and pulled the trigger anyway.
Why is everyone overlooking that and treating her like some hero?
It's sickening.
No one ever notices the wreckage when it comes to Santana but I do.
And so even though my entire family is gathering in California for the holiday, I have decided that I would much rather do my best to let her know that I SEE HER.
When I walked in, the first thing that I noticed was that she had lost way too much weight. Her clothes hung off of her and her eyebrows were cinched up in concentration.
Way more concentration than needed to clean a glass, meaning she was trapped in the darkness in her head and it took everything in me to keep the smile on my face that I had walked in with because I just wanted to slap some sense into her.
This was not what she was meant to be doing and looking like this, so rundown, so exhausted just proved to me that she needed a wake up call.
Her reaction to my voice, gave me life!
Gaunt cheeks were filled with a blush and dark circled eyes lit up.
Proving yet again that Quinn Fabray's still got it. :)
I'm feeling tipsy after I've downed the most delicious drink known to man and she's watching me with a nervous smile and vigilant eyes.
"So when is your shift over?" I ask...trying my best to reign in the sloppiness that I feel coming on.
"Whenever I say it is." She said, looking over my shoulder at the only other people in the bar who had been singing Christmas carols for about a half hour at the top of their lungs. "Pipe down or take a hike!" She yells at them and they go silent for a micro second before breaking down into peels of laughter so loud and obnoxious that the singing was preferable.
I couldn't help but smile at her as she scowled at them, I was amused at her attempt to glare like me. I should mention that her glare has never phased me, it's like seeing a puppy when you deny it attention.
She's too cute to take seriously when she makes that face, which has been many people's downfall when it comes to her. She's cuddly and cute but she definitely has some claws.
"So if I were to ask you if we could leave, in say..." I looked at my naked wrist as if there was a watch there and looked up at her smirking face...she had noticed too. "Five minutes? Could we go?"
She thought about it for a moment and then stuck two fingers in her mouth and whistled over the continuing cackles.
The drunks stopped for a moment, completely attentive and she seemed proud of it.
"Alright ladies, last call. Bar's closing early."
"Awwww!" They both groaned before using each other as leverage to get out of their booth.
The less inebriated one staggered next to me, smelling to the high heavens and smiled slyly. If she wasn't so gross smelling, she might be marginally passable and from the looks of her companion, she was the ugly one. She looked me over and then slapped her hand on the bar.
A crisp hundred was put down and then she looked at me again.
"That should cover the bottle and whatever this lady had. Eh, Santana." She attempted to lean in to me and I did my best to lean away without falling off of my stool when a metal baseball bat came down on the bar with a bang.
Separating the leering woman from me.
I looked at Santana in shock but she wasn't looking at me. She looked at the lecherous drunk that was now backed up against the next stool looking surprised.
"What have I told you about harassing the other patrons?" She growled. "Do it again and you are banned from the bar. Got it?"
"Santana, come on!"
"Do you want me to use this bat because I'm in just the mood to shove it up your ass. Now apologize."
"Okay, Okay." She held her hands up in surrender and then nodded towards me, "I'm very sorry, pretty lady."
"Good, now get the fuck out." Santana said, pointing the bat towards the door. Right as they were headed outside, she chirped happily at their backs as she tucked the crisp hundred dollar bill in her bra. "Happy Thanksgiving!"
I don't know why I did it, maybe it was the way she shivered as we made our way to the train or it was the romantic in me but I slipped my hand into hers and pulled it into my pocket so that she was forced to walk by my side.
"You're being overly cute, you know that." She said, a shiver going through her as the wind blew past us so hard that my cheeks felt like blocks of ice.
"For the record, I've always been overly cute...you just happen to noticing for once."
"I notice more things than you realize, for instance, I noticed that you don't happen to have any luggage...so either you have a hotel in the city or you were just fucking with me about staying."
She turned her head slightly, just enough that I knew she was listening for my explanation.
"I've got my toothbrush and my wallet...I figured you would provide me with everything else." I admitted bluntly. I didn't want her to misinterpret my intentions even a little. I was definitely here to be with her.
I was here to steal back into her heart by any means necessary and if that meant walking around her apartment naked for the next three days, then that was what I would do.
"Oh...I guess I should get some laundry done then."
"Or not."
She stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk and then looked over at me with yet another glare, her face pale and her eyebrows cinched so tight they were practically touching.
She had yet to move her hand from mine, they were still linked in my pocket which saved her from falling on her face but she looked slightly resentful and so I knew that I needed to come on a little less strong.
We continued walking but I could tell that the wall between us was still there, despite my best efforts it seemed a little too impenetrable at the moment.
With all that's going on, Noah had warned me that she would be on her guard. I just didn't think it would be this bad.
This wasn't like old Santana, who I could slap a few times and brow beat into submission, this new version of her had been through some shit and I needed to be mindful of that if we were ever going to get past this "will we, won't we" stage.
I just want to love her and I need her to see that.
She wasn't kidding about laundry, in fact...the laundry was the least of her problems. Her place was a mess and she had the nerve to just ignore it, like it was nothing but I couldn't just ignore the sink full of dishes and the way I could almost smell the dirt and booze in the air.
Santana has always been a bit of a slob but this was beyond messy. It was borderline...unhealthy.
I had gone into the apartment ahead of her and was standing in the living room, staring at the full ashtray on the coffee table next to two empty rum bottles. Now that I took a breath, I could smell the cigars and marijuana and knew immediately that bringing Santana back into my life permanently wasn't going to be as easy or fairy tale like as I had expected.
She needed to heal from the wreckage that Brittany had left on her life and from what I could see, she wasn't doing it the right way but this was Santana, this was the way she coped.
Being a hermit, a slob and a curmudgeon.
Now that I had Beth, I couldn't just throw myself into a relationship that had no potential, especially not one that could be a bad influence on her and while Santana would be so important in my daughter's life normally, this was not going to work.
But I wasn't going to give up so easily...because being with her and around her...just feels right.
And after losing the one person that my teenage self thought she'd marry and grow old with because for me Finn had been that for so long, I can't lose her too.
So many times I've wished that I could conjure up these feelings for someone safer...someone like Puck or even Lydia but my heart...it wants Santana and I know that hers wants me too.
I've just got to get her started back on the right path...somehow.
SANTANA'S POV
I'm off my game and absolutely unsure of how to handle her.
Years spent pining after her secretly, always thinking that I was never good enough for the great Quinn Fabray and now here she is, practically throwing herself at me and I am completely unprepared for it.
How I had forgotten how disgusting my place is, I have no idea. Maybe I've just been drifting through it, knowing that I wouldn't have company kind of made me lazy.
And I'm tired but I can't just tell her to fuck off while I sleep, not her.
She's...everything that I've ever wanted and I can't ruin things before they even get off the ground.
I let her into the apartment first and she has stopped shy of actually walking completely inside and I don't blame her.
The night that Whitney took Brittany home, she had stopped by looking for more of Britt's things and I tried to tell her that I had nothing but she still barged in and practically tore the place apart looking for this imaginary stuff.
Once she was gone, I saw that the "stuff" she'd been looking for was the emergency money that I keep in my dresser drawer. There was only my most recent tips in it, maybe a thousand bucks but once she was through, it was gone.
Dummy me, I had just sat on the couch like a cocky motherfucker and let her rummage through my place and then once she was gone and I went looking for my stash...I flew into a blind rage.
I trashed the place and had yet to clean up...too upset that I'd need to take every single shift until nearly Christmas to be able to afford January's rent. Thankfully, Papi had paid December's as a Christmas gift to me.
Otherwise...I'd be evicted and what a Merry Christmas THAT would be!
And the crazy thing is that I didn't even go after her because I knew that she'd use it to get home and away from me. Knowing that, I just let it go...let them get as far as they could away from my life.
I was resting against the door, watching her survey the damage and waiting for the inevitable snarky response when she turned and looked at me with tears in her eyes.
My defenses were immediately on alert. I expected her to be an asshole and berate me for letting things get like this but instead, she looked incredibly sad.
She stuffed her hands in her coat pocket and stepped closer to me, until we only had about an arm length of space between us.
"I didn't know it was this bad...would you mind...if I cleaned up?"
"What? Why the hell would you want to do that?!" I snapped, she flinched but I could tell from the spark in her eye that she wasn't going to back down.
She reached for me, her hand now resting on my upper arm as she stepped even closer.
"Believe it or not, this is how things would have been for me had Beth not been in my life when things went down with Brittany. She saved me and I got lucky but nobody is seeing you or saving you. At least, not without judging the hell out of you. Let me help you?"
"I'm not helpless! I'm not some weak, pitiful, little shit that needs to mothered by you! I'm not your little charity case, that you come and patch up for the holiday and possibly fuck senseless before you go back to your perfect, vanilla existence. This is my LIFE. This is it! You can't fix this shit because..." I couldn't even think of anything to go after that because I knew that everything I was saying wasn't true. Brittany and her mother had ripped me to shreds and my pride is too valuable to go running to my parents. I sighed and dropped my hands. Her face was flushed but she didn't let go of my arm as she waited for me to continue. "I have to save myself, Q because...I created this mess. If I had just stayed away from you, everything would be fine. My marriage would be fine and Brittany would be able to dance. Don't you see that? Your charity will be ruined the moment you head back to Philly and I am here alone again because this is what I am...I ruin things. I deserve to live like this because I'm NOT good enough to be anything more."
I moved away from her, my hands gripping my hair as I let out a sob that I'm sure my neighbors in the next building would hear. I was frustrated. I was tired and every single emotion that I had packed in these past few months was now coming out of me and I couldn't make it stop.
Way to go Lopez...tell her you aren't weak and then start crying like a fucking baby.
Good job!
I'm falling back into that blind rage when she smacks the shit out of me but instead of slapping back, I fly straight at her, my hands on her shoulders as I push her back but then there's panic is in her eyes and I remember her delicate back.
And I catch her just before she falls over one of my discarded shoes, using my own body to break her fall as we tumble to the ground together with my arms wrapped around her.
Her face is against my neck and she's shaking.
"Fuck...I'm so sorry." I say to her as she shakes against me. "Q?" I say as she lays on top of me, her body against mine so perfectly but I need to stop that line of thought immediately. I rub at her back with hopes that the shaking will stop. "That slap hurt..." I say and then she raises her head and I see a grin on her face...she was shaking because she was laughing because of course she was.
Her hand raises to my burning cheek and the coolness of her palm instantly takes the sting away.
"I shouldn't have hit you. That was wrong, it's just I hate what she's done to you. You're fucking pathetic living like this and whining like that. The person you are is so much better and stronger than you're acting. I'm fine. You can let me up."
I drop my arms and she used me for leverage as she got back up and then extended her hand to me.
Once I'm up again, I push my hair back with my fingers, reminding myself of Papi and from there, my mind is thinking of how upset he would be to see my apartment in this state and suddenly I'm feeling like Quinn is right and I'm not acting like someone who doesn't need help. I'm being pathetic and I need to do something about it if I don't want to feel like a charity case.
So I dig that hundred out of my bra and hand it to her, she looks down at the money in her palm and then back at me, a look of confusion is in her eyes, even though she's still smiling.
"There's a Thai place across the street. Can you get me Pad Thai and a Ginger Ale...I'm going to give you a second first impression of my place. Okay?"
She looks around the apartment and then back at me, not completely trusting that I'm telling the truth but she nods and then turns towards the door, pausing just before opening it.
"San...I know..." She drops her head, her back still to me. "things haven't been the best for you and I've been distant, doing my best to give you your space. Just know that I'm here now and I'm going to help you whether you like it or not and you know it. So save us both some trouble and just accept the help."
Before I've formed a response, she's pulled the door open and left without another word.
The first thing that I do when she leaves is open up every single window in my apartment, even if it is freezing outside, it's the best way to get rid of any smells while I take all of my laundry to my hall closet and stack it next to the washer/dryer. Next I scoop up all of my shoes and dump them into my closet that is emptier now that Britt's stuff is gone.
I pause as I look at the empty hangers and feel a knot in my chest loosen a bit.
The first step in ending my marriage was already complete and once she signs those papers, if she EVER signs those papers...I'll finally be able to rebuild.
And cleaning up my act is only the beginning of that process.
It's been ten minutes and I know that I've got at least five more before she's back and I use every minute wisely. Bagging all the trash and emptying and stowing away my ashtrays with the exception of one.
The smoking had started recently and this was a good opportunity to try and not do it so much but I was only human. Maybe, I'll just not do it while she's here, in the spirit of second first impressions and all.
By the time that she is at the door, the apartment looks much better and looks a lot more like a home.
When I pull the door open, I step back and let her walk in without me standing in her way and like before, she stops short and looks around...this time the look of disgust isn't anywhere in sight.
Success.
"You did a good job...just...it's colder in here than outside, how is that possible?" She says and actually steps into the living room this time, headed for the windows. Once she gets to one of them she hesitates and stares out of it in awe before looking back at me. "How did you not tell me that you had an ocean view apartment?"
I shrugged, smirking to myself. "You never asked."
She pulled the window down and then moved to the other one and pulled that one down too.
"I'm incredibly jealous!"
"Don't be...it's so hard to heat this place because of the cold air coming off the ocean."
"Oh poor you! The beautiful Atlantic Ocean is at your disposal and you're too cold to enjoy it!" She said, chuckling and shaking her head as she stared out at the view that I had begged and pleaded with Papi to get me. "You know, once you get yourself together...maybe for Christmas...you'll let me bring Beth up here to see this view?"
"Um...sure. She can come anytime." I practically stutter before moving towards my room... "I'll be right back. The plates are in the kitchen, I'm going to go close the other windows and pump up the heat."
Once I'm in my room, I can't help but beam from ear to ear, just thinking of how excited Quinn seemed to bring Beth here to be around me. Talk about motivation to get my shit together faster.
Maybe the chance to be a part of Quinn's perfect family wasn't so distant after all.
QUINN'S POV
Once her apartment was cleaned up, it took on a complete different feel and so did she.
It was like the time that she took out to clean while I was gone did her some good and maybe that's just it. Springing up on her seemed to do the opposite of what I had intended, instead of being a happy surprise it just seemed to maximize her stress.
Lesson learned.
We ate dinner in relative silence and then she loaded me down with boxers and a big Louisville Cardinals Cheerleading sweat shirt and then told me to take my time showering because she needed to make a private phone call and having absorbed the lesson of giving her the space that she seemed to crave, I did what she asked and lingered in the shower and then took extra long getting dressed before actually heading back to the living room.
I stood in the hallway watching her as she stood there with her phone clutched in her hands staring out the window...seeing her like this made my heart ache.
She's just so naturally beautiful, no matter how sick she looks and in this moment, there is a peace on her face that she didn't have when I first walked into that bar earlier. Even if she still had so much darkness just floating in the air around her.
There was so much that I didn't know and that she seemed to want to keep from me, I wanted to be patient but seeing her like this made me feel like I was going to lose her to her own demons and that was the last thing that I wanted for her...for us.
So, I decided that where she needed space and I had given it to her, she also needed comfort and I knew that she would never ask for that.
Even with me, she tries to hide how much she needs to be held but the very evidence of her letting me hold her hand for just about the whole way home, told me more than enough.
Without hesitation, I stepped behind her and wrapped my hands around her waist and rested my head against her shoulder. The smell of smoke was in her hair and faintly on her clothes and I knew immediately that the break had been for more than a phone call and I couldn't be mad at her for that.
She sighed and remained stiff for a moment but loosened up and settled into my embrace pretty quickly.
"Did you actually make a call?" I asked, even though it was none of my business.
"Yeah." Her voice sounded very far away as she stared at the blackness outside the window. "Um...it was my dad...he and my mom went to Whitney's and got Brittany to sign the papers."
"Papers?" Okay...wait...she actually served Brittany with papers?
"So that was true? The rumor that you gave her divorce papers as soon as she woke up from her coma?"
She stiffened in my arms and I held on tighter not allowing her to pull away...note to self, don't mention the rumors that I've heard.
"Seriously? Shit, I waited for her to be able to talk...she'd been awake for a month and I had been talking to her about the divorce. I asked her if I gave the papers to her, would she sign them and she nodded so I did but once her mom found out...let's just say Brittany suddenly changed her mind." She sounded bitter and I didn't blame her.
"So Whitney has been making this hell for you?"
"Ha...that's not even half of how bad she's making everything and with the doctors saying that Brittany probably won't be able to walk again and that she's not going to be able to care for herself properly for a very long time, she's in diapers for Christ's sake, I am the antithesis of evil."
"Can I ask though...why you did it now? It's not like she's much of a threat any more."
She pulled away from me but only to turn around and face me, there were tears in her eyes and anger all in her features.
"Because, Q...your recovery was a miracle but this...what Brittany did to herself...they don't think she's going to bounce back from it. The longer that I waited the harder it was going to be to walk away and I couldn't do that...I couldn't stay with her just because of this."
"Is that the only reason?" I crossed my arms over myself and tried to not take anything personally but I'm vain and a bit selfish by nature so it was hard not to but I still tried.
She shook her head and shrugged.
"That picture you sent me...the one in front of the LOVE statue...I wanted to be in that picture and every other picture forever. Getting trapped with Brittany meant that I'd be choosing her once again, instead of choosing you and I just couldn't make that mistake again."
SANTANA'S POV
I couldn't take the silence, I had to do something.
So I gripped my old college shirt that hung off of her so well, pulled her against me and pressed my lips against hers...hoping to God that the vibes she had been throwing my way all day were leading to this point anyway.
Her lips pressed back against mine soft at first and then more urgent as her hand now gripped the back of my neck and held me in place. She nipped at my lips and let out breathy moans as she pulled away for only split seconds to breathe before kissing me even harder.
My hands were every where, her hips and then her ass, more moans, more nipping and I can't help but allow myself to enjoy this moment. The papers were signed and her conscious was clear as I walked us towards the couch, not wanting to move to the bedroom just yet.
I wanted her bad but I was hoping that I would have her forever and there was no need to rush it.
If I had my way this would be a normal thing between us, kissing and touching like nothing else mattered, even though with us everything always does.
I had kissed her first.
I had moved us to the couch but when all was said and done, it's her that is hovering above me, knees on either side of my lap...hands resting on the back of the couch as she continues to kiss me like this is the only thing that she's been thinking about since forever.
My hands are on her hips gripping her tight and waiting...so patiently for her to make the next move because if I've learned anything at all from the way that Brittany can make you feel utterly powerless, Quinn needed more than anything to feel like she was in control of this situation and I would NOT take that from her.
She put up a front but I know just how fragile she is, just as much as she knows how much of a sap I am under all my bullshit.
Match made in the stars, we are.
How is it possible that she's melted my heart so quickly?
Maybe because she's never left it, even for a second.
Her kisses are on the move now. The way that the softness of her lips travels to my ear has me tilting my head to give her more space to do whatever she wants with me.
I'm at her mercy and I like it, apparently so does she.
"I've wanted this for so long." She whispers. "Every time you put your hair up, I always found myself wanting to nibble on this ear."
"Just this one?" I chuckle and she bites down, just enough to sting and I hiss in pleasure...because none of this could hurt...not with her.
"Hmmmm...no. How's that song go...I wanna lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes..." She sang and I felt every nerve ending in my body sizzle with sensations that I haven't had in a very long time. "I wanna move from the bed, down to the, down to the floor...I wanna uh...uh...make it so good you don't wanna leave..." And she's kissing again.
"Just let me know, know...oh God...what's your fanta-tasy." I mutter just as she bites down on my neck hard enough to mark and then kisses the spot in apology.
"Is this okay?" She asks me, pulling back so that we are face to face again. I should be the one asking this question but apparently, in her eyes, I'm more fragile that she is.
And she's probably right.
"Honestly..." I'm not sure what comes next but I don't even get a chance to decide because her phone started chiming and she doesn't even try to ignore it.
"Hold that thought." She says, jumping off my lap and stumbling to the kitchen where she left her phone.
While she's gone, I sit up and straighten out my hair, doing my best to be my sexiest when she returns.
But reality has different plans.
I'm sitting there...getting restless after at least five minutes, when she finally returns to the room.
The first thing I notice is that she has her coat on over my sweater now and has somehow managed to get her pants and shoes on while keeping the phone pressed between her head and shoulder.
Was she leaving?
"It's going to be take me some time but if it's an emergency...are you okay...oh...well no, I can't then. Because I'm in New York." She looks at me and bites her swollen lips. "Never mind why I'm in New York...it's not important."
Ouch.
I tune the rest of her conversation out and grab the pack of cigarettes that I left on the coffee table. Her eyebrows go up as she watches me pull one out and put it to my lips.
All while she stares hard at me.
If this is a test of me being able to read her mind, then I'm failing as I light it and inhale all the toxins that will calm my frayed nerves and release all of my pushed buttons.
"No." She says as she walks towards me casually. I'm thinking that she's going to sit on the couch so I move over to make room when the cigarette is taken from my fingers. I want to snap at her but then I see her put it to her own lips and then hesitating. "Damnit, Mother...no. I will not stop what I'm doing to come back to Lima." She says and then takes a long drag.
Bliss is on her face as she holds in her breath before letting out the smoke. I feel like a bad influence on her but shit, I don't care at the moment.
Neither of us has quite been ourselves these past few months and we had been on our way to fixing it before Judy decided to tear our fantasy apart.
"I answered because my child is not with me and I can't miss a call that might actually be urgent. Russell is not urgent. Ever." She kicks off her shoes and sits down next to me...her hand on my thigh as the cigarette dangles from her lips.
I reach for it but she turns her face and squeezes my thigh before moving her hand up between my legs and resting it there. I know she can feel the heat coming from me, even in these jeans and I boldly push against her. She looks at me and raises an eyebrow as she listens to her mother go on and on about whatever family emergency there is.
She pushes her hand down and I feel a jolt of pleasure as she does it in just the right way. I bite back a moan and she can tell because there's a sneaky little light in her eyes.
I snatch the cigarette back since both of her hands are occupied and she presses her hand down again in response. I nearly drop the thing and set us both on fire but thankfully I don't because that would really mess the mood up even more.
"Okay...look...Beth wants to spend Christmas in New York, every year Shelby took her to Broadway and to skate at Rockefeller plaza and I'd like to give her that." She moves her hand from where it's been resting at the mention of Beth because the conversation has turned serious. "No. I don't care if I'm her birth mom, Shelby was the only mom she knew until recently and I'm not going to erase that part of her life. Look, I'm busy...I'll call you when I get home. I don't need the lecture. I'm an adult...no...no...I don't care. Yes...I always think about Beth. No. Enough, mother...goodbye...no. Bye!"
Okay...maybe I am important after all. She hangs up the phone and puts it on the coffee table before sitting back and staring at the ceiling.
"What happened?" I ask, handing the cigarette back to her but she just takes it and puts it out in the empty ashtray. Whatever moment of rebellion she was having has passed and she's back to being in this moment...at least...for the most part.
"It's dumb and not worth repeating. She knows I'm here...she knows I'm with you and by tomorrow...the whole town will probably know. Namely Brittany and I'm sorry if being here fucks up the divorce but I couldn't let you spend this holiday alone and-" She's babbling and I can't help but to lean over pull her lips against mine.
Maybe it was to shut her up or maybe, just maybe I don't care about anything other than the fact that she chose me right back and God help me, I think I love her even more for it.
"What was that for?" She asks as I pull back and look into those amazing eyes.
"For loving me as I am...and meeting me in my darkness and turning the light on."
She kissed me back and then smiled. "You're such a sappy dork, you know that right?"
"Shit...did my face turn into a mirror again?" I teased and she let out a giggle...like a legit all out giggle and it was the cutest thing that I think I've ever heard.
"I will always turn the light on by the way. I'm always going to love you as you are and give you what you need. Even when you don't know you need it. You were right earlier, I see that now. I don't want to save you, I want you to save yourself. Because you are way too flawless-"
"We are too flawless." I corrected.
She rolled her eyes but didn't miss a beat.
"We are too flawless to be damsels in distress. We've got to save ourselves..."
"Even if I've been doing a shitty job of that."
She looked around the room and then back at me and shook her head.
"No...that's not true. Stop beating yourself up. If you want to be in that family picture. If you want to be more than stolen moments then you already know what you need to do to get there and I know you will do it in your own way but the Santana that I love, gets what she wants in the end."
"Do I?"
"You already know the answers to the stupid questions. I love you and I'm going to keep loving you...even through your darkness...just like you loved me, pink hair and all."
A/N: This chapter feels like a fever dream. I have been writing it for three days and it is the longest chapter thus far. I hope you liked it. I hope...I hope that it gives you a little happiness. Yes I said it's a slow burn and yes I realize how far in we are but I hope you'll stick it out with me because we've hit bottom already so I'm just writing our way up! :) Next chapter is Christmas...fitting because as I type this, Christmas is seven days away. I didn't look for errors because I never do...I'm feeling slightly better so I might just be back by the end of the weekend. Would you want that? Something short and light and fluffy?
Let me know! Review...I put my heart into this one and I want to know if you felt it. Thanks for reading! Hasta Luego!