A/N: Let's take a moment of silence for Lawrence Kutner...
Recap: Kutner commits suicide. House is obsessed with finding out why, any signs he was depressed that he missed. Wilson first thinks it's about the puzzle, then thinks House is worried that he's losing his touch. The only clue House finds is a single picture of Kutner looking sad amongst the dozens of him looking happy.
Simple Explanation
...
What is there to say?
There was no way I could have known. There was no way any of us could have known, but I should have. But I couldn't have. He had friends, he stayed close with his parents. He had people he could have talked to. He didn't. He didn't want anyone to know.
I should have known anyway.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't have done anything differently.
I could have left suicide pamphlets on the table in the conference room, but Kutner's not an idiot. He's seen after school specials. He knows what's out there. He could have fixed this if he'd wanted to.
He was the last person any of us expected. Taub hates his life, Thirteen's already dying, Foreman doesn't seem to care about anything. Kutner appeared happy.
There was one thing...
This patient kept attempting suicide. He was in pain, like me only different. He didn't want to live with it anymore. So he tried to die. Taub kept judging him for it. Kutner was very defensive of the whole suicide thing. Maybe not...supportive of it. But defensive.
I couldn't have known just from that. And it was months ago.
He was...bubbly. He was a little kid. It was easy to forget his life sucked. Well it seemed that way on the outside. But his life didn't suck anymore. He loved his job, he had people he loved, he had fun. Why now?
I couldn't have known. But that doesn't help.
Nothing will bring him back, but knowing why would help. Getting closure would help. Knowing if I did anything wrong would help.
My life sucks, but I'm still gonna keep living it. I'm not gonna die on purpose. If it happens, it happens, but I'm not gonna...
He had more to live for than I do. All I've got is my job and Wilson. If both of those things were taken from me, I'd consider it. Wilson was gone for awhile, but he came back. Maybe if he died...but Wilson's not gonna die. He can't.
He's depressed too. Or at least he was. But all that's happened since then is his girlfriend died. He can't be better. He's got to still be depressed. I'd hate him if he killed himself.
Why'd he do it?
It must not have been worth it. The job, the people.
Why not? He liked his job, and for god's sake, we're doctors, we save lives. It's fulfilling, if you're into that kind of stuff. And he had...loved ones. Maybe not a girlfriend, but he was young, there was plenty of time. What was so wrong with his life that it wasn't worth living anymore?
This sucks.
I'm smart. I figure out people's motives all the time. I'm usually several steps ahead of them. If it's interesting enough for me to care, I figure out why people do what they do.
At least if I lose a patient, I can do an autopsy. Figure out what we missed.
Kutner...I'm not just baffled. I don't know now and I never will.