February 1986
She keeps her promise, she leaves Delphine alone. She sees her in the corridors, or the labs, but makes no real attempt to engage with her that goes beyond polite conversation or academics.
Truth is, she knows Delphine wouldn't let her. Her fantasies and dreams fixate on Delphine. Having Delphine. Talking to Delphine.
"Cosima, pay attention!" Dr. Barnes shakes her head of greying hair, "Where are you these days?"
"Sorry." She apologizes immediately.
"Don't apologize. Fix it. Your dissertation has stalled. You haven't done any work. Are you planning additional fieldwork? I do have to say I really liked your chapter on biases and the archeological record but your dissertation is no good to me incomplete. Or to you. Do you really expect to defend in the new year? You have to show me."
"Right. Right. I'm still thinking."
"We have a few summer/spring digs, are you going to sign onto one?"
"Umm I'm sorry I've been so distracted lately," Cosima tries a blanket apology again, before realizing it's not working. "I'm in the process of getting divorced and it's kind of -"
Dr. Barnes sighs, trying to temper her impatience, "I'm sorry to hear that. Are you asking to take another break?"
"Not really?" Cosima sighs, waving her hands dismissively, "We're in therapy, but it's ending and I don't need time off. I need to get this thing done."
"I like your dissertation too much to abandon it." Dr. Barnes tells her clearly, "I don't want to see it abandoned, if you need a break - a semester off, please take the summer one. I need this stack of papers graded for Monday. And you are teaching for two weeks in March, I'm going to be away. Please consult the syllabus - but if you go off-book one week? Fine by me."
"Okay, yeah, totally." Cosima nods, lecturing, she can handle lecturing. Maybe she'd use Delphine's trick of making them question assumptions
"When can I expect another chapter?" Dr. Barnes asks pointedly.
"Soon?" Cosima responds hopefully, "Give me two weeks?"
Dr. Barnes sighs, rubbing her temples, "Get it done before I retire."
"I will. I want to do this. I swear I do." Cosima promises vehemently. She needs to pull up her socks here and get this done, Delphine or no Delphine, her future in academia hinges on this dissertation.
"Okay, well..." The therapist clasps his hands leaning back in his chair. There's no desk between them, three comfortable chairs sit in the middle of the room surrounding a coffee table. Shelves around them are filled with books. David had permitted her to select the therapist, she'd chosen one of the more liberal ones she'd been able to find. All in hopes of avoiding more drama.
"Dr. -" David begins before he's cut off by their patient, soft-spoken therapist.
"Call me Mark." Their counselor reasserts himself, "So what I'm getting here is we prepare for a divorce."
"Yes." Cosima nods at the same time David shakes his head no silently.
"David, Cosima has told us three times in the last fifteen minutes that she is a lesbian." Mark tilts his head, rearranging his hands on his lap.
"It's not, I don't ..." David trails off miserably, he's accepted it. Cosima knows, but it's not going to be an easy road from here.
"I think the reasoning is quite clear here." Mark looks from her to David and back again.
"Are you biased towards divorce?"
Mark balks, "Why? Because I told you up front that I have been divorced and remarried?"
"So have I." David tells him impatiently.
"David, this isn't about Kathleen." Cosima shakes her head, "This is about..." She pauses searching desperately for a phrase, arms waving wildly as if that will help her to find it.
"What?"
"Totally incurable incompatibility." Cosima responds finally.
"You'd be surprised how often I have a couple in here, and one of them is homosexual." Mark shrugs, "It's the ultimate no fault divorce, if you let it be."
"David knew I was a lesbian from the beginning." Cosima insists.
"And this marriage happened because?" Mark asks, looking between them casually.
"Cosima!" David looks at her in panic.
"We were friends. I really do care for him. Easier for work. I have an insatiably curious mind and David has a cuckold fetish." Cosima responds simply, no longer caring to save face for him in front of Mark.
Mark simply nods calmly, "Why don't you both tell me more about that."
"Hey Felix." She drops her bag casually by the door, she's not living here, but it's somewhere to go where there's no pressure. A large hovering fear of death was easier that being at home. David would barely speak to her, except quickly in passing.
"Hi." Felix responds, he's painting, naked in an apron splattered with paint again. An odd habit of his that he'd never stopped, painting in the nude.
"Ah, method work?" Cosima makes a point of averting her eyes somewhat as he turns. That's something she does not need to see.
Felix shakes his head, "No... actually I'm branching out. Experimenting with painting the female form." "Very different for you. Sarah modeling?"
"Hahahah. Nope." Felix laughs, moving towards his room to dress himself, "Would you?"
"Umm yeah I guess."
"And your... Delphine?" Felix suggests, somewhat reluctantly.
"You want Delphine to model for you?" Cosima reiterates carefully.
"Well... you can't deny that she's physically..." He lets himself trail off, not willing to actually say it.
"Yeah I know. Trust me. God do I ever know." Cosima lets out a giggle for the first time all week, "She's not talking to me right now, so... not going to happen."
"How's the divorce coming along?" Felix asks flippantly, "Nearly done yet?"
"Well... it's like a separation right now. I'm renting a room in Berkeley as of March, best I can manage on short notice."
"Where are you going to put all your stuff?"
"I'm not. David is keeping the house, although legally I think he has to buy me out. 50/50..." Cosima twirls her fingers absently, that money will help her certainly, "But I'm not asking for alimony or anything."
"But you could." Felix points out, "I mean... extra money showing up every month."
"And we don't even need to get into everything you've done for money." Cosima reminds him.
"So?"
"So I don't want to be tied to David or his money for the rest of his life. Legally, I have to let him buy me out of the house." Cosima shrugs. "Some like legal shit 'primary dwelling' it's not optional."
"Well how much is that worth? Enough for a downpayment?" Felix quickly pulls on a pair of pants, working his arms through the sleeves of a shirt.
"I...I don't know actually. But I don't have a job, so no mortgage. Not happening." She waves it off, so far outside of anything she's considering.
"What if we rent a house?"
"What?"
"You, me, Sarah, Kira... just until..."
"Until what? Until you croak? You aren't even sick yet." She is becoming exasperated with his doomsday tactics, as sympathetic as she's tried to be. As scared for him as she is. She doesn't want to limit herself by trapping herself into a lease with Felix anyways.
"Well... I love this apartment, but with Kira and Sarah here permanently," Felix shrugs, "Might be nice to get a place where they can have their own room. Or rooms."
"What is Sarah doing for work these days anyway?"
"Part-time, record store." Felix laughs, "She says the pay is shit, but she meets a lot of interesting people."
"I can't believe she's actually working."
"Instead of conning men out of money, chasing around bands, or dragging Kira cross-country? Neither could I. But we know why." Felix grimaces, "Kira has kindergarten, and I have AIDS."
"My therapist thinks I have intimacy issues."
"Who doesn't? Is that even a real thing? Sounds phoney." Felix slouches onto his couch, "Do you want to go with me to pick up Kira? Sarah's working til six."
"Umm maybe not today."
"Why? What's better than picking up Kira with me?"
Cosima considers carefully, "I think I have to do something drastic."
"Oh god no… not another perm." Felix groans, throwing his hands in the air.
"No.. not a perm." Cosima cannot stop herself from chuckling at her friend's confusion.
"What is it now?"
"I need to go." It's obvious once she thinks about it. There's only one thing left to do.
"Okay... like now?"
"Not...exactly?" Cosima smiles, an image coming so clearly to her mind.
May 1986
Delphine wakes up in her cabin, blinking at the early sunlight, the chirping and sounds of unfamiliar birds. A dig without tents, it wouldn't be her first, but she hoped she didn't get too accustomed to the relative comfort of staying in the village and riding out in trucks to the dig site.
"Dr. Cormier?" A quiet voice calls through the door.
"Yes, Kate?"
"Umm there's a late arrival, says she's here to see you."
"Whose TA is she?"
"Dr. Barne's but Dr. Hamilton has borrowed her for the dig."
She knows before she even dresses that it's Cosima. She doesn't remember seeing Cosima's name on the list of faculty, but of course as PhD candidate she's not really faculty at all. By the time she gets outside, Cosima is waiting for her, her large backpack leaned against the stairs of her cabin.
"What are you doing here?" Her arms are crossed, defensive, but she knows that as soon as she sees that grin again, those wildly gesturing hands, that her resolve will falter.
"I signed on for the dig. Before March, one last bit of field research for my dissertation."
"You're writing your dissertation on the forgotten women in the archeological record."
"I'm sorry," Cosima sasses her, "Were there no women in Peru?"
"Brat." She mumbles under her breath. Cosima hasn't really changed, and neither has she.
"Yeah, can we talk privately, just for a minute?" Cosima looks around, it's not busy yet, today is just mapping, introductory business, but it's true that they cannot have this conversation openly.
"Yes." She ducks into her cabin, leaving Cosima to follow.
"Ooh.. how'd you score this to yourself?" Cosima looks around the one room cabin, two bunkbeds to the side, the little kitchenette, the wooden table.
"Can't room with students, all the other profs are paired off." Delphine shrugs, "So...what is really going on?"
"So I went to couples' therapy." Cosima says finally, once the door is firmly shut. Though, from previous experience being alone like this is risky behaviour. She resolves to keep a full metre distance between the two of them.
"And how did that go?" Delphine cannot resist from asking cooly, crossing her arms. Not well she knows, with Cosima standing in front of her. Or perhaps, very well, if separation was the end goal. She isn't sure though, what Cosima has done in her absence. If by taking this break, she pushed her away forever.
"Very well actually," Cosima grins, "I'm a lesbian. I like women. I like women's bodies. I like sex with women. Men are like... kinda hot... but no. Oh and I'm getting divorced."
Delphine uncrosses her arms, but makes no attempt to stand closer, not yet willing to close the distance between them."So why are you here? Peru is a long way to go to tell me that." She's still hurt, she cannot deny that, but a part of her is so happy to see Cosima here. Could she really do this again? Could they? Cosima had come all this way, and she doesn't need this dig. It's at best an add-on to her academic career, useful, but not essential.
"I like women," Cosima pauses, "But I love you, Delphine."
It's true then, Cosima is here for her. Her resolve crumbles, she gathers Cosima into her arms without another word, but after a quick squeeze and a kiss to the forehead she loosens her arms.
"Je t'aime aussi." She reassures her, pressing their lips lightly together once, pulling back before Cosima can deepen the kiss. Not here, not now. Surely, they can both wait just a little longer for that. It's not the most important thing, at least it shouldn't be.
"I wish…. I wish I'd been better for you." Cosima admits, "I wish things had been easier. I should have done this in '79."
"What? You mean refused to leave Paris?" She cannot deny amusement at the thought.
"You were crying and I didn't want to go but I didn't have a choice. I mean, not an easy one anyways. What could I have done?"
"You could have told me." Delphine offers, voice breaking. She remembers that particular trauma all too well. Finding Cosima, only to have her leave her life far too soon. At least it hadn't been permanent, though her younger self hadn't known that.
"Even though it wasn't possible? I mean, I couldn't do what Jamie and Luca did, could I?" Cosima's voice breaks slightly alongside her own. She's not alone in this at all, Delphine knows this now. It's the two of them.
"Jamie and Luca?" Delphine still remembers that night, when Karen had had to crash in with them. Remembers the other romance burgeoning, much more openly, alongside their own. "What do they have to do with this?"
Cosima laughs, tears in her eyes, "They're married. They got married less than a year after the dig."
"Really?" How strange to have such different fates, when their beginnings had been so similar. And she and Cosima had more in common, she was sure of it, even not knowing Luca.
"Yeah. They live in Torino. Jamie works at the Egyptology museum there. They have a little boy, Matteo. He's like 3 or 4 now."
"Really?" She finds herself stunned, that these people from her past have built a life together in the last seven years.
"Yeah. Because they could get married, right? So Luca sponsored her for citizenship, or permanent residency, I'm not even sure which anymore. And she moved to Italy like a lovesick idiot."
"But it worked out." Delphine smiles, "They have a life together, a son." Perhaps her romantic side wasn't entirely wrong, the feelings that pull you so strongly to act may have some purpose. Some cosmic goal. She giggles at the thought, but chooses not to share it with Cosima.
"There was no guarantee of that. Could have been a total disaster."
"It could have been." Delphine admits readily, "But it hasn't been, at least as far as you know of Jamie and Luca."
"And either way? I couldn't do that for you. There was no way to get you citizenship, or have you get me French citizenship. Nothing... I couldn't do it. Born with the wrong parts to be useful to you there."
"Non, you were born with exactly the right parts." Delphine corrects soothingly, "I wouldn't change you, not at all."
"Would you have, if we could have?"
She hesitates, remembering all too well her 21 year old self, "Yes."
"Me too." Cosima nods her agreement, "At least… I would now."
"Maybe," She grips Cosima's hand tightly in her own, "It's now that is the important part?"
"I am getting divorced. Total free agent once it comes through. And I'm renting a room near Berkeley until it's all settled. No alimony. Just… I have to go through the process, right? Legal shit." Cosima explains apologetically.
"Good." She smiles, unable to prevent tears from forming in her eyes, the delight of seeing Cosima. And hope, hope for the future.
"Can we try again?" Cosima looks at her pleadingly, as if she hasn't already melted for her enough.
"Yes... " Delphine nods happily, "But… the dig has to come first, okay? It's not safe here to be what we are."
"We?" Cosima looks at her appraisingly at the term.
She can't help but smile, "Yes, mon amour, we."
Before they have a chance to say anything else they're interrupted by a knock on the door, "Dr. Cormier we're going to leave for the site shortly. Dr. Hamilton told me to tell you to just let Cosima ditch her stuff at your cabin. We'll sort it out later."
"We're coming, Kevin." Delphine responds, "Just let Cosima put her stuff inside."
"I just arrived," Cosima whines, but Delphine can tell she's teasing, "I'm still jetlagged."
"Come on… Miss Niehaus. You don't want to miss this."
Cosima tilts her head but opens the door to drag her pack inside before following Delphine out into the sun. "Actually, mapping is always my least favourite part."
"You will make a very lazy archeologist." Delphine teases back, squeezing her hand quickly, "Don't forget a day pack, you'll need water, we have to carry everything in. We can only take the trucks so far."
"Ooh… just what I always wanted, a woman to boss me around." Cosima jokes.
"Get your stuff together."
"It's been waiting thousands of years," Cosima argues, "It can wait until I get my stuff ready."
"Ah, Cosima, good that you could join us." Dr. Hamilton calls up, his voice carrying well, "Are you ready to join us?"
"Sure thing. Just let me get a day pack together."
"I'll start packing the trucks." Delphine offers moving over to her smallish group of students.
The rest, Delphine reasoned, could wait until later. Both she and Cosima were here, everything else would come in time.