A/N: Twilight and all characters associated with it do not belong to me. What I do have is bad case of the blues. Days like these make me wanna stay in bed, but I know better than that. These are the kinds of days that make me want to use pills again even though I know it isn't an option. I'm trying to remain strong, and writing helps with that so here we go. Song for this chapter-"Just Might(make me believe)"-Sugarland. (yes another country song)
I woke up the next morning alone. Edward had left earlier than usual for work to prepare for a teacher's conference they were having; which meant he'd be late coming home as well. I went to the kitchen and took my medicine, including the Xanax. Hopefully today would go better than yesterday had. I made my way back to the bedroom and pulled out some clothes for the day. I really wanted to take a shower, but I was too afraid to take one when I was by myself so that would have to wait. I got dressed and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I gathered up the dirty laundry, and made my way to the laundry room to start a load. That took all of five minutes. Fuck my life. What the hell was I supposed to do all damn day?
With a heavy sigh I went to the hall closet and pulled out some cleaning supplies. I went to the bathroom, and started scrubbing the bathtub. Once that was finished I scrubbed the toilet, and then the sink and countertop. I put the cleaning supplies away, and made my way to the music room/office. I straightened up the desk and cleaned out the shredder, and junk drawer. By that time the washer was done so I put the clothes in the dryer, and started another load in the washer. It was barely eleven o'clock. . I wasn't necessarily panicking, I was just bored. And sad…and lonely. I walked into the living room, and sat on the couch; letting my thoughts drift into unsafe territory.
If I were still pregnant I'd be preparing for her arrival. I'd be setting up the guest bedroom into a nursery, washing all of her clothes and putting them away, setting up the cradle and baby monitor. I liked to be prepared for everything so having a baby wouldn't have been any different. And then once she was born I wouldn't be sitting here by myself bored anymore. She would have kept me busy for most of the day, and when she was sleeping I would have been cleaning or cooking dinner for Edward. How different our lives would have been if I hadn't of let Jacob in that day. No, I didn't really believe that anymore. Like it or not I was starting to believe what Jan had said, and what everyone else had been saying all along.
It wasn't my fault. I had no control over what happened that day. I did everything in my power to stop Jacob, and that was all I could do. And they were right; at least I was still alive. I fought like hell to make sure I did survive, and I should be grateful to be. I couldn't save our peanut, but I saved myself. That would have to be enough. It was enough. I laid on the couch and hugged a pillow tightly against my chest and cried. I was alive, and that was all that mattered. I could mourn the loss of our child, and still know that life would go on. We would go on together, and eventually we could try again for another child. I wanted that with Edward more than anything else in the world. The dryer buzzing broke me free of reverie, and I wiped my face dry as I stood up. I switched the clothes over, started another load, and folded the basket full. Once that was done I pulled the left over Caesar salad from the fridge and ate it for my lunch.
After lunch I cleaned my dishes, and then went to sit on the couch again. I was still lonely. I needed Edward. I never felt complete unless he was with me. He was my everything, and I needed him now. I didn't feel as broken, or afraid, or alone when he was here. He made me feel safe, protected, and loved. One look from him and I knew we could conquer the world together. Better still, I knew we'd be alright. And that was all I was asking for right now. Just to know that everything would be okay. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, and finished my afternoon doing laundry and watching lifetime movies. I must have dozed off because the next thing I was aware of Edward was kissing my head.
I got up with a yawn, and hugged him tightly. I had survived a full day alone. "I'm sorry I fell asleep. Dinner will late tonight." I stated walking towards the kitchen. "I brought Chinese home actually. It sounded really good tonight." He replied. I smiled and rolled my eyes. I pulled our food from the bags, and we sat at the kitchen table.
"How was your conference?" I asked between bites. "Same old bullshit. They're talking about cutting the music program again because of budgeting. They always threaten to do that, but so far it hasn't happened so I'm not too worried about it." He explained. "What would happen if they did cut the program?" I asked.
"Well, I'd be out of a job, but there are other schools with music programs I could go to. We might have to move though if that happened." He replied. "That wouldn't be so bad." I shrugged. "Even if it meant moving out of state?" He retorted. I thought that one over for a minute, and then shrugged again. "I wouldn't mind honestly. I'd still have you." I stated.
He smiled and took another bite of his beef lo Mein. "I'd find another job before I moved you away from all our friends and family. That wouldn't be very fair to you, love. Not that it matters anyway; they aren't going to cut the program." He said confidently.
We ate in silence for a few minutes before I got brave, and decided to tell him what I was thinking about today. I swallowed my food, and looked up at him. "What if we went to the courthouse and got married Friday?" I blurted out. He stopped mid chew, and stared at me doe eyed.
"Want to run that by me one more time?" He finally asked. I took a deep breath, and eyed him carefully. "I've been thinking about this for the past few days, and especially today. I love you and I want to be with you forever, but I don't want a big wedding. I don't even really want a wedding. So, I just thought what's the point in putting off the inevitable? I want to be married to you as soon as possible, and I figured tomorrow was out of the question so I thought why not Friday? I mean, that gives you a couple days to get a substitute teacher and we could have a three day weekend together, and take a real honeymoon over the summer." I explained quickly.
"You're serious?" He asked setting his fork down. I smiled nervously, and nodded. He sat there staring at me for an immeasurable amount of time, and I thought for sure he wouldn't go for it. But then he looked up at me and smiled widely. "Okay. I'll make the arrangements for school tomorrow. What are we going to do about witnesses?" He asked. I sighed in relief and clapped my hands excitedly. "I thought we could ask Esme and Carlisle to go with us, and keep it a secret. And then we could invite everyone else over Friday evening and tell them." I explained.
"You've really given this some thought haven't you?" He laughed. "Oh you have no idea." I muttered. "I thought you wanted to wait and take things slowly?" He asked softly. "I did, and then the whole Jacob thing happened, and that sort of opened my eyes. I mean, we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, Edward. I don't want to have any regrets in life, and if I don't marry you as soon as possible I may regret it later on. Besides, we're practically married anyway why not go ahead and make it official?" I explained.
"You aren't doing this because you're afraid are you?" He whispered. "No!" I practically shouted. "I just don't want to put things off anymore. We've done enough of that already." I continued. "Okay. In that case I can't wait until Friday." He said with a smile.
The next couple of days went by in a flash, and before I knew it Friday had arrived. I woke up bright and early, excited for what lay ahead of us. I took a quick shower, and put on some light makeup. I curled my hair and left it to hang around my face. I wore a white knee length dress with three quarter sleeves, and the zebra pumps Alice loved so much. Edward wore a pair of black slacks, and a white button up shirt. We'd gone ring shopping the day before and purchased a white gold wedding band for him so I grabbed that and put it in my purse. Carlisle and Esme met us at the courthouse, and we went in.
An hour later we walked out, marriage certificate in hand. We had done it! We were married! I could barely contain my excitement. Carlisle and Esme took us out to lunch in Port Angeles, and then came back to our house. Once inside I followed Edward to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine, and some wine glasses. Before I could walk back into the living room Edward grabbed me around the waist, and kissed me passionately.
"I love you, Mrs. Cullen." He murmured in my ear. "I love you husband." I replied with a smile. We walked into the living room together, and I sat on the couch with Esme while Edward sat on the floor beside me. He opened the wine bottle, and poured us all a glass.
"Here's to the newly weds. May your lives be filled with blessings and happiness throughout the years. Congratulations to you both!" Carlisle stated raising his glass. We all raised our glasses in a toast, and then took a drink of our wine. "I can't believe you two are finally married!" Esme squealed in excitement.
"I can't believe it either." Edward said with a smile. "After everything that's happened these past few months I'm so happy to have something good to celebrate." Esme stated with a warm smile. "What made you change your mind, Bella?" Carlisle asked.
"Well, like I was telling Edward last night we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow. The whole thing with Jacob made me realize that, and I agree with Esme. We needed something good in our lives. And I just got tired of waiting. We love each other so why wait any longer when we both knew it was what we wanted." I explained. Esme hugged me tightly, and kissed my cheek. A little while later I excused myself, and went into the bedroom. I pulled out the picture frame I'd bought for our marriage license, and walked back into the living room. Edward helped me get it into the frame, and then I set it on the table. The plan was to hang it up in the living room tonight after everyone saw it.
We sat and talked for awhile before there was a knock at the door. My stomach felt like there were a million butterflies flying around inside as I walked over to answer the door. I smiled widely when I saw Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper standing there. I let them in and went into the kitchen to grab some more wine glasses and a bottle of water for Alice. I walked back into the living room, and handed everyone a glass, and Alice her water. She looked so confused bless her heart.
"What are we celebrating?" She asked taking a drink. Edward stood up beside me, and squeezed my hand in a comforting gesture. "We have some good news." I said with a smile. And then Rosalie screamed and bent down to pick up the framed license.
"No fucking way! Is this…it is! Oh my god! Congratulations!" She screeched running over to hug us both. "What is going on?" Alice demanded, grabbing the frame from Rosalie. "We got married today!" I exclaimed.
"Shut the front door! You did what?" Alice screeched waddling over to me. She pulled mine and Edward's hands up to her face. "Oh my god! I can't believe you guys got married without me!" She exclaimed staring at our new wedding bands. "Are you mad?" I asked her, biting my lip. "What? No! I mean, I'm a little upset that I don't get to plan a wedding now, but you have to renew your vows eventually anyway so that's no problem. I can't believe you guys got married today! Congratulations!" She exclaimed clapping her hands together. I hugged her tightly, thankful that she wasn't upset.
"Oh, we are so going out tomorrow night!" Emmett boomed. "Yes! Absolutely!" Jasper agreed excitedly. I laughed and shook my head. "Guys, Alice is pregnant. She doesn't want to in a club surrounded by drunken idiots if she can't be drunk with them." I stated still laughing.
"Oh, don't you worry about me. I'll be fine for one night, Bella. We have to go out and celebrate properly!" Alice exclaimed quickly. "Yes ma'am!" I declared giving her a three finger salute. She laughed and waddled over to the couch to sit down.
We sat and talked for hours. Laughing and celebrating our marriage into the late night. It was wonderful to be surrounded by my family, and I was soaking it up. I was starting to feel lighter inside than I had in months, and I knew that was partially because of my family, and also because I no longer blamed myself for what had happened with Jacob. I still had a long ways to go, but I was getting there slowly, and that's all that mattered.