Ch.36: Different Lives
Trapped. The one seven letter word that could be used to describe how I felt, not only physically, but mentally as well. I either felt trapped or it was like I was in some sort of battlefield, but I couldn't decipher who was an ally or foe. Better yet, at times in my life and recently, it was almost like the cold war, with me being in no man's land, one side being my friends plus those I considered family, and on the opposite side was my inner demon; both I trusted to a degree, but I don't know who made my heart feel like it was in the right place. I mean it was how that one saying went, your heart is on the left side, which means that it isn't always right in some situations; mind you, I read somewhere that some people have a condition where their heart is on the right, so I wonder if that quote still applies to them or not. Anyways, I'm off topic and I suppose I have many different reasons on why I would trust either side, which makes current decisions difficult.
I do have good reasons for trusting both sides; I've shared a lot of emotions and memories with my friends plus family as well as my inner demon. In some sense, you could say that both parties involved were two halves of a whole to completing me. I'll start first with my inner demon, he's been there when my friends plus family weren't; when I would curl myself into a small ball with my arms wrapped tight around me as if shielding me from the cruel harsh world, as I held back tears and he was there for me in my darkest moments that I've ever had. He doesn't mean to appear harsh, he's just protective of me; he's like a friend, sibling, or even a protector as well as being a part of me. At the same time though, he gave off the vibe of both negative as well as positive feelings that I knew I had buried deep within me; after all you can't have darkness without a bit of light. With my friends and family, they supported all my decisions that I've made and defended me when I couldn't myself where bullying occurred.
Although, both sides shared me, among other things, in common with each other. They were both there for me when the funeral for my mother was held, a week or less after she was brutally murdered. Most of my memories I can remember clear as a sunny day sky since the good, the bad, and the in-between haunt me, always on repeat like a broken record. The issue, or rather problem, at hand was the amount of trust that I was willing to give and vice versa in response. Even if promises can be made, they end up being empty words until the actions behind the words are fulfilled and so far, I wasn't on the greatest terms with two members, Jacob as well as Scarlett, for one side that I supposedly had trust towards so promises have been broken among everyone, including myself.
I know that Scarlett went over to the Cullen's place to try to calm down so she wouldn't keep picking fights with me; it almost feels like we've grown distance from each other since how the events of last summer turned out as well as lately with everything that has been going on. The band moving to LaPush was like a symbol of peace in trying to fix the wounds that were made. As well as with Jacob gone, just sort of goes to show that my inner demon wasn't that far from the truth about trusting anyone again, but yet I was stubborn on proving him wrong and still am. My heart felt like it was just a piece of glass that had been shattered in a million pieces, as someone tried to fix it, but kept getting their fingers cut, causing me to feel as though I would never be fixed with any of the materials used to mend my heart such as duct tape or string. Although, as I look around the room, seeing the people apart of my life as well as my inner demon in my mind's eye, I felt like I could swallow down my fears and face them, since you are never too old to conquer your fears, right?
"Earth to Jaclyn? Are you there? Are you alright? You don't have to tell us anything if you aren't ready to yet. " Jayy panics, breaking me from my thoughts as I shake my head to clear my thoughts.
"No..no it's fine. I just got lost in my thoughts. We should build back our trust towards one another." I reassure him a best as I can as I feel the darkest memories that I have fighting their way to the surface of my mind. Those memories are like dying souls trying to crawl to the light of being alive once more.
"You don't have to if you aren't ready. We can wait for you.."Paul speaks, as if he can sense the rising fear that is trying to choke me from the inside out. I, myself, attempting to stomp it down as best to my abilities as I can. Honestly, this fear is mainly not wanting to become completely and utterly shattered once more which would jut cause me to isolate myself all over again from everyone, but instead of my father being the devil that haunts me and forces me to sell my soul, my inner demon plus myself would be the spawn of Satan himself and my darkest nightmares and fears would come true. I would go from good straight to evil, warm hearted to cold hearted in a matter of seconds.
"No, I'm ready. It's time that I trusted people again and someone knew the truth to my life story, instead of bits and pieces; why back in freshman year, I wrote a memoir that said: horrible past, but a beautiful soul and what it means to me." I clarify, my fingers tightening and opening as if to relieve the tension throughout my entire body.
Just as I finish speaking, the front door bangs open, making my already tense body grow completely rigid at the sudden noise. A sickly sweet strawberry vanilla scent fills my high sensitive nostrils after I hear the feather light footfalls and just before my eyes capture and lock onto the black and neon-coloured streaked haired hybrid, who sits elegantly on the arm of the chair belonging to her imprint. She acts as though she's been sitting there all this time but that was far from the truth. Now, seeing everyone, except the Cullen's, here almost makes me want to crawl into the isolated world that I created to protect myself, but the stratosphere of my mind was already on it's last strands of strength, for I have been strong and alone for far too long. A familiar, sudden pushing on my mind sends me out of my current thought state as my defence shields go up automatically as someone attempts to look inside my mind, knowing exactly who this person is and I know that there are potholes in my shields, but nothing extremely noticeable. I hold back a glare as the pushing stops, just as a smirk appears on Scar's lips.
"So, what are we all talking about again?" Scarlett questions the room and I hold back from rolling my eyes dramatically as she looks so innocent, but she is everything but that.
"Well, JC or rather Jaclyn here, was just going to tell us her life story or something along that line, right guys?" Embry answers, looking all love-stricken as he stares lovingly at her, while sending us all a nervous glance as though he's unsure of himself and the answer he provided, looking like a child who got caught stealing from the cookie jar; although I don't blame him considering he was a lost puppy with her gone and that's usually how imprinting is for most couples. After a few seconds of no one answering, Scarlett doesn't seem too bothered about wanting a reply, likely due to getting practise on her mind reading ability with Edward, so she opens her mouth to speak.
"Well, this should be interesting." She comments, her voice sounding too sweet to be innocent. It's almost like she was too quick to respond, as if she knew the entire conversation that she missed out on, likely due to having Edward teach her more about her telepathy ability. As my mind comes up with that conclusion, my lips form into a tight smile so I don't send a sarcastic comment her way as a defence mechanism from all the emotional distress that I've suffered with lately.
"My father use to be a good and sweet man when my mom first met him in High School; since they were High School sweethearts, total prom king and prom queen material and everything. It was only a matter of time before all the happiness that they shared with one another would come to an end, like most good things in life. My father's job, at the time, became extremely stressing for him and with the increase in rent, my parents decided to move back to their home town, since my father was bound to be laid off, or worse fired, and the extra stress would only cause him more pain since he didn't have anywhere he could shift in the city. By the time that they had finished packing everything and moved into their new home, my mother was already halfway through her pregnancy with me. They moved back into the house where my father grew up in, since after the death of his parents, their will allowed him to be the owner of the place, and while my dad tried to find a job, as well as talk to the local pack and their leader, my mom found a doctor in Forks, who was willing to have her as his patient. That doctor was the one and only, Carlisle Cullen. At first, my father didn't notice that she had the smell of vampire on her, but soon enough, she told him, which he didn't like the idea of, but he knew that it was for the best for her and myself." I begin, my mind circling back to my memories then back to reality, before I can be chained down, like a prisoner, to my past. Overlooking the room, I notice that everyone is very intrigued in my story; a splash of a variety of emotions all over their faces, like rainbow colours splattered on a white, blank canvas.
"Wait, I thought you told people that you were born in Seattle? "Jared questions me and I give a small chuckle.
"Born, conceived- it's relatively in the same category in my opinion." I comment, making Scarlett roll her eyes as the others look completely dumbfounded by my answer.
"So. that's how you know about the Cullens." Paul asks quizzically and I nod my head as he understands just one of my many connections to them. The only reason they aren't in this room with us is because they are helping Bella and Edward with their wedding that is coming up in a few days or less.
"Yes, it's one of the many reasons anyways. Although I'm not the only person in this room who had parents that knew about the Cullens. Would you like me to continue the story? "I comment back, wringing out my wrists since the bones have tightened due to the pent-up emotions coursing through my vein; my eyes darting around the living room, seeing everyone say yes or nodding their heads in encouragement for me to continue. My heart racing as I try to remain strong in telling my story, although I do see Scarlett get a confused look on her tanned face after the comment that I made.
"Alright. Although with the acknowledgement of vampires still being seconds away, it triggered my father's inner wolf to want to shift even more, which only caused my father more pain and him to become more insane by the minute, since he didn't completely want to go back to the pack life, especially with my mother. My father ordered my mother, that after I was born, she was to have no further contact with the Cullen's, or anyone for that matter. With this in mind, it was just one of the many stresses that my father had on him that would drive him to his final breaking point and far beyond it." I continue, my mind circulating back to the stories that my mother would tell me growing up and how I had soaked it all up like water to a sponge with how young my mind was.
"What are you talking about when you said that your parents weren't the only ones who knew of my cousins? Who else knew about them? "Scarlet demands, finally vocalizing the question that left her confused; the one that has answers to the information that only a small group of people know about. Apart from tying to raise me and telling stories that filled my imagination; my mother added to a book that links everyone and everything together, just like a puzzle being completed.
"Why didn't your father want to join the pack life, especially with your mother? Also, what did you mean by history repeating itself when you told us about the Alpha Protector legend?" Sam questions, not understanding the reasoning as to why someone would oppose the pack life, considering it's one of the only things he's ever known in his life, at the same time wanting to know more about the rare legend that hardly anyone knows about.
"Well to answer Scar's question, your parents knew about the Cullen's, considering you are only a cousin to them through the fact that your powers are similar to theirs and the fact that your mother was related to the by blood, but your shape-shifting ability comes from your father. Your parents knew about the Volturi and the Volturi knew about them. Your parents and my parents knew each other, plus they got along. Haven't you ever wondered about who your parents were and why they disappeared from your life? "I direct at Scar and she ponders for a moment before bobbing her head up and down.
"To answer your question, my father didn't want to join the pack life because he had already joined a pack once before and things didn't end well. My father knew your father and from my knowledge, two male Alpha's can't be in the same pack; even though my father was a Beta for the longest time for Sam's father. There was a huge fight that broke out between our fathers, causing the rest of the pack to become divided, which resulted in my father leaving to College; where he met my mother, and that in time, forced things to go back to normal. My father knew that, after years of living in Seattle, once he shifted in his hometown, everyone would know that he was back and he didn't want to face his problems and the mistakes. As for history repeating itself, it's said in the legend that if an Alpha Protector uses their ability too much, or they use it on themselves, they could die, since the ability is very powerful if it isn't harnessed properly." I explain, turning to Sam, who was paying attention to the words I spoke. I lean my head against Paul's shoulder as my body feels drained out of energy from finally letting things out in the open and putting my trust on the line.
"What happened to my parents and who are they? Although, more importantly, how the hell do you know all of this information?" Scarlett asks me, getting over the initial shock of the overload of knowledge that I told her; asking the billion-dollar question.
"Most importantly, have you always kept this all to yourself and kept all of these secrets way from all of us?" Paul questions me finally directing a question straight to me, like a bullet to the heart, but the truth must come out to prepare for the future. I let out a sigh and move my head away from the security blanket of warmth coming off Paul's shoulder as I turn to face everyone, leaning instead against the corner end of the couch. Should I lie? No, they do deserve the truth, even though they broke their promise to me, but they did come back. I just wish Jacob was here… Although I wonder how the Cullens are making out with Bella's wedding. I still have to talk to Paul about that.
"What was the argument between our fathers about?" Sam ask me. It's almost like I'm being tested, but I'm second guessing the answers to give, considering I've been protecting this book, like my ancestors before me, keeping it safe under my wings; some of the secrets I question letting others know for they don't feel like mine to share, or I fear that I will be treated differently.
"Was there any information that you know about regarding the rest of us, like the secrets that you kept from Scar and the pack?" Jayy demands on behalf of the Band, a teeny tiny amount of anger coated in his voice with an undertone of the Alpha command, and I know that he still has a soft spot for me, since he was the first male I trusted with my life story, but I didn't tell him everything either.
Trust is like paper, once crumpled, it can't be the same again. Although with the questions I'm faced with, like knives pointed at me, it helps to turn the tables so that I don't have to face the pressure of a gun pointed at me, metaphorically speaking.
"Hang on, aren't we getting off track? We were getting Jaclyn to talk to us about her life." Embry comments, the pressure disappearing enough for me to taste freedom before it hit me ten-folds. I can see a spark in his bark brown eyes that reminds me of when I had that close call with the school bell saving me from answering questions aimed at me, it's almost like this is his revenge towards me. I want to send him a dirty look his way, but I don't have the energy to and from the corner of my eye I see Scar giving him a death glare, since she wanted to know more about the parents that she has few memories of.
"My father and mother kept hidden in plain view until the day I was born. When my mother's water broke, my father was fixing up their vehicle because it wasn't in the greatest condition. My father was forced into a tight spot once he saw that my mother was going into labour; he could either call one of his old pack member for help or he could go into wolf form and take her to the hospital or the Cullen's, both options risking exposure to him and my mom. My father decided to take my mother by wolf form since he could block his mind from others, plus being in his animal form was faster then any motorized vehicle. What my father didn't realize on his way to the Cullen's was that due to the stress of the situation, his thoughts were able to be heard from any of his old pack members that were still alive as well as any members of the next generation pack, since at least two or three members patrolled the reservation on that day. Once I was born and Carlisle gave me a clean bill of health, my parent went home; although it wouldn't be the last time that the doctor vampire saw both my mom and I." I explain, taking a small breather before I continue my story, the memories sliding across my mind just like one of the first movie projectors; slide by slide, memory by memory.
"I don't remember how old I was when the abuse first started towards my mom and I, but I can recall my mom shielding me until she lost all of her strength to depend the pair of us. When my mom passed out from all the pain, he would use me as a small punching bag, blaming me for my mom being on the floor covered in bruises and blood, when he was the one to do that to her. Once he got all of his anger out on me, he left the house, neither of us didn't know or care when he went, since that was usually when one of us would call the emergency ambulance, which would take us to the hospital that Carlisle worked at. If we got questioned, we would create some false story, so lying became second nature to me. My mom would often make up the story and I would always go along with it, not wanting to disappoint her or have my father kill us or anyone who found out about what went on behind closed doors. The torture lasted so long that we were basically treated as regulars by the hospital staff in Forks. There were many times that my mom allowed me to visit with my friends as well as you, Sam and Emily, because she knew that I was safe and I would be okay for the most part."I continue, tear prickling at the corner of my eyes, but I push them back a I catch my breath from talking, waiting for someone to ask me the many questions they all must have, considering everything that I just said has been under lock and key for a good portion of our lives. Around the room, an array of emotions are sprinkled across my family' and friends' faces, one being betrayal. I didn't mean to make it seem like I betrayed them on purpose, but it was for everyone's safety and my mother plus myself just wanted to live as normal as we could, having a little piece of heaven through facing hell every waking moment. I really do miss my mother; she always knew what to do in any given situation, plus her sense of the future, like mine, was hardly ever wrong. The anniversary of her death is just around the corner.
"How bad did the abuse get? Also, umm, what about the death of your mother? Why did the police rule it out as just an accident?" Collin questions, surprising me since I didn't really expect him or Brady of being interested in my story, considering they are the youngest ones in the house and I didn't realize how close I am to them, and it's rare to see either one of them being serious. His voice almost sounded like it wanted to crack, but he must of stopped it, not wanting to get embarrassed at this very serious moment in time.
"Was that the reason why you wear or have worn long, warm clothes despite the weather being hot or cold as well as your ability to moderate your body temperature?"Brady asks as well, proving that even if someone is younger, it doesn't mean they can't use a dictionary.
"If that monster wasn't using us as punching bags, he would find some other demented form of torture for sick, twisted mind; such as using a knife to cut us, as well as burning me with cigarettes and cigars, any form of torture you could think of he did to my mother and myself. With the amount of abuse that my body took, my ability to heal myself became sort of messed up; sometimes my bones repaired themselves quickly, other times the skin tissue didn't fully heal. I have small scars and burn marks all over my body from that demon. The police rolled out my mother's death as an accident because they were friends with my father, even including Chief Charlie Swan. Besides doing bribery with an officer of the law, he made me clean up all the blood and damage that was done. Once my mother was out of the picture, my father became an even worse alcoholic and if I thought I was going through hell before, then I was going through the seven levels of hell after that. To answer your question, Brady, the abuse was the main reason why I wore long warm sleeved clothing during any condition of weather, plus if it wasn't warm clothes, I had make up as well. Although, I didn't really find out about my body temperature changing ability until later in life when I had a shattered shoulder blade. Any other questions or can we take a brief break?" I state, brushing away any stray tears that might have slipped past my barriers.
Before anyone can give me an answer or objection, I swiftly stand up and walk into the kitchen. I grab a glass of water and slowly drink it, listening to the quiet murmur coming from the previous room. I take slow, calm breaths in and out, shielding myself against my own memories that are trying to overpower me and take control over and poison my mind; the poison of the horrible flashbacks slowly killing me from the inside out as I try not to relive them again, like a demonic creature attempting to escape my body. At the same time, it's more agonizing to talk about everything, because when you bottle up the pain inside you get used to it and it won't hurt anyone else. Talking about every little detail is like a knife twisting and turning slowly deeper into the unhealed wound. The only pain that goes away with letting everything out into the open is the pressure of the world on your shoulders vanishing for a time.
At least the journal is kept safe and hidden from prying eyes; it's like a companion to me because we share the same deadly secrets inside us. I take small sips of water from the clear glass that I hold with one hand, my other hand clenching onto the side of the kitchen counter as I lean against it; as if it's a life line that will save me from slipping into the bottom of the deep, dark ocean of negative, horrifying memories, not wanting the cement blocks attached to my legs to pull me down into a depression spiral once more. After the talking in the living room as died down, I put my glass in the sink and go back to sitting on the same piece of furniture as Paul, ready for the next wave of questions, feeling like I'm being integrated, but I deserve it. Realization has dawned on me that it's as if I've been living more then one life with each group of individuals I've been around, always a different personality of me being shown; basically a coping mechanism that I picked up. At the same time, deep down, they all saw the same broken girl acting strong. If I think long and hard on myself with every group I've involved myself with, they've helped to reborn the phoenix, the happier and stronger version of myself.
Spending time with the Cullen's, I was taught how to physically fight as well as how to defend myself, plus I learned how to control my powers. While learning to fight, I got better control over my anger due to the fact that I never wanted to injure or kill the vampires that looked after me all my life. The Cullen's helped me to gain back my fighting spirit that was in ruins from my father alone. They also taught me that it was okay to cry when you couldn't help yourself. Around them, they saw more of the caring side of me, the one that I showed off. They were the needle and thread that were used to be the stitches that would repair my heart; where I tried to act like it was brand new, but of course that didn't last long, just long enough.
With spending time with the Band, my rebel chick personality came out a lot more, it was dying to be let out since I kept it hidden for the most part in front of everyone that wasn't the band; the only portion appearing was my sarcastic, funny attitude, which was more of a defence mechanism used to protect the broken girl barried deep within me. The trouble maker in me was unleashed the moment I set foot in Seattle, where I first me the Band. Around the Shifting Forms, my talent for music was able to shine brightly, mesmerizing all that heard the band perform at the gigs we played at. They taught me that it was okay to not fit in with society, as well a how to really defend myself verbally. I also learned the hard way that getting into trouble has its pros and cons to it. My heart felt damaged even with the stitches that the Cullen's added, but with the Shifting Forms, they added their own unique parts to it; like the Cullen's stitch work, I merely pretended that everything would be okay with the added parts.
With time spent with the Pack, they saw me as an innocent, goody-two shoes, and one of their best friends. I always got high grades and was considered a teacher's pet as well. The guys always had to convince me to play truth or dare growing up as well. It was why they were so surprised when I did a three sixty turn around, polar opposite to what they had seen when I was with them. The Pack taught me about friendship and loyalty as well, plus how to have fun in life. Even with the home-made stitching and added parts to my heart, the Pack was the duct tape to keep everything together, where I hoped and prayed wouldn't tare in two or more again.
Every individual member taught me different, separate lessons and I have memories shared with them. Before I started to patch things up between everyone and myself, my heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces, just like glass breaking, but with all the stitching, duct tape, and added pieces all of it together was like a casing of super glue, keeping it in one piece. I hoped and prayed hard for everyone's sake that it all wouldn't unravel, with all the hard work that was done, along side the cuts upon people's skin. I hope that even if things did, that I would still come out stronger then ever before, since I've only just begun telling my side of things.