Hey again!!! Sorry for the really long delay, but I've got a couple of really good excuses – 1) I was caught up in the festivities of Christmas, and pigged out on turkey and pork, 2) I went with my family on a one-day trip and came back at ten at night with sore legs, 3) I was on YouTube watching random funny videos because I wasn't in the mood for writing, 4) a couple of friends called me and we chatted for two hours, and 5) I watched more TV. –Breathes deeply- Anyway, on with the story/show!!!
Disclaimer: Me?! Stephenie Meyer?! I don't think so…
TDIB: Guys…what part of "Don't Fight" don't you understand? Honestly, please stop the fighting!!!
TheImmortalKlutz: -shouts- HOW ABOUT…NO?
TDIB: -ignores TheImmortalKlutz- So our next guest today has only agreed to have an interview with us so long as his sweetheart shall be safe from the fans…and the ninjas…and me…and the camera…well, pretty much everything. Please welcome – Kim Obsessed Jared!!!
-The fans claps and cheers as KOJ walks on stage while carrying Shy Kim-
TDIB: -smiles- Hello Jared! How are you today?
KOJ: -briskly- I'm fine. –Looks around- Do you have another chair here? Kim needs one.
SK: -protests- No I don't.
KOJ: Yes you do. I don't want you're legs to be tired, okay?
SK: No seriously, I'm fine.
KOJ: (to TDIB) Can you get one?
TDIB: Um…sure…-Motions for one of the ninjas to bring a chair-
KOJ: -calls out- Make sure it has padding on both the seat AND the back, okay?
TDIB: Sure sure.
-The ninja brings a green chair over next to KOJ-
KOJ: -shakes head- No no, it has to be BLUE! It's Kim's favourite colour!
SK: -quietly- Er, it's okay Jared. I don't mind green an-
KOJ: -cuts in- But you deserve the best, my sweetest. Blue's your favourite colour, right?
SK: Yes, bu-
KOJ: Good. –Turns to ninja- A blue sofa please, with extra cushions. And a foot spa. And a hot chocolate fudge sundae complete with strawberries and whipped cream. And a professional masseur.
SK: -pleads- Jared dearest, please! I'll be fine just standing up an-
KOJ: No Kim, you will not be fine standing up. You'll get pins and needles in your legs.
Ninja: -heaves a large blue sofa over- Here it is, with the extra cushions and foot spa. Someone's currently making the sundae, so it won't take long now.
KOJ: -angrily- And where's the masseur?!
Ninja: -bows- He's coming right now. He practiced massaging and acupuncture in Japan as well as ninjitsu for fifteen years ever since he was ten. I hope that satisfies you.
Massuer: -bows- Konichiwa. -SK sits down, and the Massuer starts massaging her shoulders-
KOJ: -picks up red cushions- Um, don't you have any blue or white cushions?!
Ninja: I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any blue ones, and the white ones are currently in the wash.
KOJ: -throws cushions at Ninja, who catches them- Well that's not good, is it?! I NEED THE DAMN WHITE CUSHIONS!!!
-Meanwhile, in the audience…-
MRAJ: (to Naomi Cullen and LoveSinger12): Um, is it just me, or does Jared's over protectiveness reminds you of a certain vampire called Edward Cullen?
Naomi Cullen: -gasps- Oh yeah…it so does!!!
Bookluver142: -overhears the conversation- YOU IDIOT!!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN?!
TeamVampire: Who insulted Edward?! –Assumes Matrix fighting position and wags finger- BRING IT ON BITCH! BRING IT ON!!!
TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- Hey! Guess what I got?! -Holds up a brown sack- EVIL CUPCAKES OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Team Edward Fans: WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Immediately runs up to TheImmortalKlutz and starts demanding for the cupcakes-
TDIB: GIRLS! SIT DOWN!!! –Turns back to KOJ- Honestly Jared, can't you just use the red cushions? There's no difference between them when it comes to softness.
KOJ: Yeah, but Kim rather prefers white to red, right?
SK: -nervously- Um, I don't mind…I like red…
KOJ: But not as much as white?
SK: Eh, yeah, but-
KOJ: Well, there you go.
TDIB: -rolls eyes- Er Jared, I think Kim wouldn't mind if she uses red cushions instead an-
KOJ: Look lady, I know her better than you do, despite your feeble attempts to interview her, okay?
TDIB: But, bu-
-Is interrupted by the Ninja running up with a large tupperware bowl with hot fudge sundae-
Ninja: -bows- Here you go, complete with a spoon.
KOJ: Thank you. –Hands sundae over to SK-
TDIB: Ahem, so what do you do in a typical day?
KOJ: -smiles while drapes arm around SK- Well, in the morning, I sneak out of Kimmy's bedroom, look at her through the kitchen window during breakfast, and then walk through the her door. We then take a romantic walk around the beach, a long drive to Seattle, go to an expensive restaurant in Port Angeles, or something like that...
Fans: Awww…
LoveSinger12: -shouts- CAN I HAVE JACOB?!
SparklingTopazEyes: YEAH! CAN I HAVE SETH?!
TDIB: Guys! You cannot have them!!!
SK: -nudges KOJ- Um, sweetie…there's something in my sundae an-
KOJ: -panics- Oh my God!!! Get it out!!! It might be poison! Or a fly! Or Jacob's pubic hair! –Pants-
SK: Er, it's actually a piece of wax paper. –Holds up chocolate-covered paper and opens it up-
TDIB: -leans in closer- What does it read?
SK: -squints- Ah…-Reads- To Jared and Kim. If you are reading this, then it is I who made your sundae and inserted this slip of paper in this (hopefully) delicious dessert. Can I have my one and only true love called Quil? If you answered yes, then tell me where he lives and how to anchor him to my bedroom so he never escapes. If you answered no, then I will detonate the stink bomb that is hidden underneath the layers and layers of full-fat ice cream and nuts, and everyone will pass out from the smell, including you. Please choose wisely (in other words, please say yes). Kythi.
KOJ: -shouts- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Knocks sundae from SK, which spills onto the rug-
TDIB: -points to the semi-melted ice cream- Look what you did!!! That's gonna take forever to clean up!
TeamVampire: Well, you'll get forever if your boyfriend is a vampire!!!
EdwardXBella4eva: In other words, Edward!!!
Number-1-JASPER-fangirl: Or Jasper!!!
TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Or James!!! GO JAMES!!!
KOJ: -searches frantically on the floor- Where's the stink bomb?!
-A tennis ball-sized brown ball rolls out and starts ticking-
Kythi Ravenswing: -stands up with a mask over her nose and mouth- Well, what is your answer? –Holds up detonator- If you so much as touch the bomb, or flee without answering my question, I will press this button. –Cackles- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
KOJ: Kim, get out now!
SK: -pleads- But what about you?
KOJ: I'm a werewolf, so I'll be fine. Now get out!
SK: -nods, before running towards the exit-
TheImmortalKlutz: -shouts- SAYONARA SUCKERS!!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!! –Runs out after throwing an Evil Cupcake of Doom at MRAJ-
MRAJ: -screams- YOU BITCH!!! –Chases TheImmortalKlutz out of the studio-
Kythi Ravenswing: -sneers- So what will it be?
KOJ: Please, you got to understand! Quil has already found his other half, okay?
Kythi Ravenswing: Psh! They won't last! I mean, If Quil is with Claire, then technically, he's a paedophile, and I don't want him to go to jail!
KOJ: Well, he's unavailable, so no.
Kythi Ravenswing: -steely- Are you sure?
TDIB: -screams- EVERYONE, GET OUT!!! –Runs backstage-
KOJ: Yes. –Sprints towards the entrance-
Kythi Ravenswing: If you say so…-Pushes button-
KOJ: -slow motion- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Starts coughing- GAH!!! IT STINKS!!! –Passes out-
TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! JAMES!!! HELP YOUR FAVOURITE HUMAN, PLEASE!!! -Runs out and breathes in fresh air-
La tua Cantante101: WHERE'S SETHY-WETHY WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM?! -Tumbles out on the grass outside and pants-
(Meanwhile, outside…)
TDIB: Girls! Stop fighting!!!
Naomi Cullen: I. AM. GOING. TO. KILL. YOU!!! –Punches TeamVampire-
TeamVampire: -snorts- Yeah right…a three-legged arthritic chihuahua could scratch better than you can…
Bookluver142: -smiles- Hell yeah!!!
TDIB: -shakes head- This fight is going to get worse, isn't it?
Yep, this is the last chapter where I interview ONE character for the whole chappie.
About the song parodies/poems –
If you're one of the chosen ones who are NOT Team Edward or Team Jacob, can you please send in the poem/song soon before the next chappie? If you don't want to do it, then please tell me, as I need to know ASAP. Thanks!!!
Next: Interviews That Didn't Quite Make It