Published November 11, 2009

One Hundred Golden Skulltulas

"Okay, we have blue arrows," Navi stated uninterestedly. "Now can we go to the Temple of Time?"

Link shot an arrow at a wall, watching as the area iced over. "Sure, I'll play us there," he said as he took out his ocarina. After a quick Bolero of Fire, they were in Death Mountain.

"This does not look like a temple, especially one of time," Bongo Bongo said.

"He played the wrong song," Navi said, sighing in exasperation.

"How often does that happen?" Bongo Bongo asked suspiciously.

"Surprisingly."

"N-no! It wasn't a mistake! I… We need to pick up Kingy and Volvagia first!" Link exclaimed.

"Temple of Time… isn't that-" Koume punched Kotake in the jaw, quieting her. "Dammit Koume, what the hell did you punch me for?! Oooooooooh…"

"'Oooooooooh'? What's 'oooooooooh'?" Phantom questioned.

"Nothing at all, you don't need to worry, nope, nothing," Koume quickly interrupted.

"While we're talking about you two, why exactly are you tagging along? As far as I know you didn't split your connection with Ganondorf like the others," Navi brought up. "You are enemies."

"Enemies? No we're not, I don't know what you're talking about, you're crazy, stop being crazy, I don't like crazy, you scare me sometimes," Koume rambled.

As Navi was about to continue her interrogation King Dodongo fell from the sky and landed right on top of her. "All of you, come quickly! Everyone! Now! I command it!" he roared, running out of the area immediately.

"Pain, so much… pain," Navi groaned.

They met up with King Dodongo as he was descending Death Mountain rapidly. "What are you in such a hurry about?" Phantom asked.

"Rich family in Kakariko is willing to give us as much money as we want, no matter the amount, as long as we do a favour. As you know, I like money!"

The two Dodongos popped up from behind a rock. "We found this out!" one proudly announced.

"He was going to kick our asses for leaving the plan until he heard about the money," the other said.

"No one cares," King Dodongo snapped.

"Where's Volvagia?" Navi asked.

"No one cares."

"I care!"

"Dead."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, did I say dead? Oops, I did that thing where I say rhyming words of what I mean. I meant bed, he wore himself out fighting that Goron shopkeeper."

-Kakariko Village-

The house was very large, but very dark and empty. "He's up ahead," King Dodongo said.

"I don't see anyone in here," Link told him, looking around the empty room. "What's that noise?"

A Skulltula with human eyes and a few human arms fell from the ceiling, knocking Link over. "Sorry, can't see down," he said. "We look like this because of the spider's curse. Please do not be alarmed."

"I've seen worse," Link said. "When I first looked at-"

"If this is about me you die," Bongo Bongo interjected fiercely. Link went quiet. "I'm surprised that you're calm when looking at the parade of monsters and freaks here, honestly."

"I, too, have seen worse," the Skulltula man said. "I was in the well once, and there was this hideous, terrifying monstrosity behind bars. It hadn't noticed me so I left quickly and blocked the event from my memories. It was too ugly to even comprehend."

"I hate society."

"Moving on to the deal, he says he's been cursed and if we kill the one hundred golden Skulltulas across Hyrule the family will be free and we get rupees," King Dodongo explained. "The ones we have so far have weakened the curse and freed that guy over there." The mentioned guy over there was dancing merrily. "He gave me something called a Stone of Agony. It does nothing, and isn't worth anything, so I beat him over the head until he started dancing. Now he says he can't stop."

"Help me!"

"No. We're going everywhere we've already been to find more spiders and get the cash needed."

"Wait, everywhere?!" Link gasped.

"Uh, yeah. Everywhere."

-Sacred Forest Meadow-

Link stabbed the random golden Skulltula that was crawling across the wall. "There's another one down."

"Yup," Phantom said as he sat on a dead Moblin.

"We never finished talking to you two, did we?" Navi asked Koume and Kotake suddenly.

"No you didn't, right Koume?"

"Yes she did Kotake, yes she did."

"No I didn't."

"Well, Koume said you did so I don't see the need to talk anymore."

"Exactly Kotake, exactly."

Navi decided that the two witches were going to be very annoying. "Let's just grab Gohma while we're here."

They left the meadow and woods to the Kokiri Village, heading toward the Great Deku Tree's corpse. "That guy looks a lot like Link," a random Kokiri said to Mido. "Same hairstyle, facial features, even the same droop of his shoulders as he walks."

"Did you honestly remember the way that idiot walks for seven years?" Mido asked him.

"You never know when the right information will help do the right thing," the Kokiri said, nodding to himself with a dumb grin on his face. Mido ignored him and walked to the massive group.

"Hey, are you Link?"

"Yes I am!" Link announced. "And now that I'm taller than you Mido, there's something I've always wanted to say to you… You're SHORT!" Link pointed at Mido and laughed a few times before patting him on the head and walking passed the angered Kokiri. "My life is now complete."

At the tree, Gohma was sitting next to the sprout having a light conversation. Everyone approached. "Oh, hi everyone!" the sprout greeted. "We were just talking about how Gohma here killed my parent tree and thanks to her I'm now the lord of the forests! I'm very grateful."

"Oh, it was nothing," Gohma said. "Just a bit of parasitism, not much of a problem."

"I wonder if any golden Skulltulas are in the big Deku Tree," King Dodongo pondered. "Gohma, break it open."

-Lon Lon Ranch-

"Here's one more," Navi said, floating around a poorly hidden golden Skulltula.

"That's pretty high up… Ingo!" Link cried.

The ranch hand ran over instantly. "Yes Mr. Link? As you know I will do whatever the honoured guests of this ranch ask me to."

"Yes yes, you work under Talon and now act all nice so you don't get fired." Ingo glared at him. "Climb up the tree and jump at the house. Knock that spider off. The fall may hurt so brace yourself."

Malon walked passed them. "After that, burn the animal droppings. We have a pile as big as the house that will smell dreadful, but someone has to do it and I really really don't want to."

Ingo sighed.

"Also, Cupcakefoot has a turtlehead poking out that won't budge so I need you to stick your hand up his ass and pull it out. I don't like watching animals suffer so please help him as soon as possible."

A lone tear fell down Ingo's face.

-Jabu Jabu's Belly-

"Man, it was hard finding this fish and getting back in," Link reminisced. "But we did it, and here is a golden Skulltula to show that our efforts were worth it."

"Why did you just say all of that?" Bongo Bongo asked.

"It's best not to ask questions," Gohma grunted.

-Ice Cavern-

"I don't think any are in here," Koume said. "Let's go, it's cold."

"I think many are in here," Kotake said. "Let's stay, it's cold."

"Both of you shut up," Gohma snapped. "You've been arguing ever since I got here, probably even before. If you hate each other so much just stay away from each other."

"We don't hate each other, do we Koume?"

"Oh course not Kotake, we're sisters. Sisters fight Kotake, sisters fight."

"You're yelling at each other, insulting each other, swearing at each other, all that stuff. That's a wee bit more than fighting!"

Koume waved the comment off and floated ahead, scanning the room for any little spiders.

-Lake Hylia-

"Hey, you two!" King Dodongo roared upon seeing Barinade and Morpha in the water. "We're looking for golden Skulltulas, get over here and help!"

"I, BARINADE, will not degrade myself to crawling around for spiders!" Barinade threw Morpha at King Dodongo's face.

"And the time of the bouncy ball begins."

"Oh stop with your low self esteem issues," Gohma said. "Now Link, dive into the Water Temple and find some golden spiders."

"We have to go back… in there?" Link whimpered.

"Yes. Go. Now."

"I am not going in there," Barinade said. "I am having fun in the water, tormenting the Zoras by sticking my tentacle through the hole down there. I think I grabbed one and broke their leg."

"Fun stuff," Morpha said, floating passed Barinade.

"You're horrible," Bongo Bongo commented.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade shot electricity into the air, swinging his hammer around. "I will never tire of doing that."

"Bye guys," Link said as he trudged into the water with his iron boots on. "I don't see anyone coming so I will see you all when I return." He disappeared into the depths.

-One hour later-

"He's still not back," King Dodongo noted.

"I can see that," Bongo Bongo said irritably. "Why don't you just send one of the water guys down to get him? You're in charge of this spider hunt after all."

"Well I'd send Volvagia to his death, but he's not here now sooooo… MORPHA! Go find Link."

"No."

"Come on! I'll... I'll give you... money."

Link rose from the lake, spitting some water from his mouth and tearing the leech hat from his slightly bleeding head. "There he is. Where's my money?" Morpha created two tendrils which rose threateningly.

King Dodongo muttered something and threw the ball several rupees.

"I was kidding, use your head. What would I use money for and where would I store it? I will take your money though."

-House of Skulltula-

"I believe that's all of them," King Dodongo said to the Skulltula man. "Where's my money?"

"I don't think that you got all of them," the man said skeptically.

"Why is that?" King Dodongo growled.

"Probably because I'm STILL A SPIDER!" He twitched his eight legs. "You must have missed one or two!"

"Impossible," King Dodongo said as he took out a notepad. "I counted them all, this is one hundred. There is only one hundred and we had them all killed."

"I may have only stunned one," Link said. "It screamed and shriveled, but it may still be alive."

"I ate all the beaten ones," Gohma said. "It's dead."

King Dodongo snapped his fingers. "Wait! I kept one of our first ones way back to sell for cash. I must have checked it off, I'll go kill it. Now where did I put it?"

"What a giant fool, eh Koume?"

"Yes Kotake, yes he is."

"Stop talking about me or I will kill you both," King Dodongo threatened as he continued to search himself. "Dammit where is it?!" The monsters watched him search for the remaining golden Skulltula for several minutes, watching him give up. "I can't find it! Where did I put that thing?!"

-Death Mountain-

Volvagia lay on his bed of Goron bones, holding the golden Skulltula he had stolen from King Dodongo between his claws. "He held a lot of value in this," Volvagia hissed. "I think I'll keep it just to spite him."

-House of Skulltula-

"You did the best you could, and I thank you for at least freeing the kids." The Skulltula man gestured to the many dancing figures behind him. "They have rewarded you for your efforts."

"All I got was a stone, two wallets, and a bunch of Bombchu!" King Dodongo roared. "I could have gotten them all from anywhere! Can I trade them in for the fortune?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"DAMMIT!"

"I, BARINADE, think Kingy is suffering," Barinade said. "What will we do?"

"Point and laugh Barinade," Gohma said wistfully. "Point and laugh."

"DON'T CALL ME 'KINGY'!"

"Shut up."

It's time people, we're moving on to the Temple of Time next chapter! The final battle is approaching, I estimate it will start in two or three more chapters!