Summary: Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

Disclaimer: Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Queen's Quornor: The computer gods must hate me. That dinner chapter I was working on got completely deleted when the computer crashed. So now I have to start over from scratch. Joy. Anyway, to tide you all over, here's the next chronological request, from RedSeraph: "Why don't you do Seph with food allergies too, and have his face swell up like Hitch?" Well, I've never seen Hitch, but I think I can work with this anyway. Now, what would Sephiroth be allergic too by way of edibles? Hmmm... Ok, I think I have something here.

Allergic

"Zack, why don't you try the lobster?" Sephiroth inquired, looking over his menu. "It's pricey, but very good. This restaraunt makes the best lobster in town."

The black-haired SOLDIER rolled his eyes. "Seph, you know I'm allergic to shellfish. Unless you want me to break out in hives and shit, I'll have to refuse your recommendation."

"Come now, Zack," Scarlet cooed over the top of her menu, batting her eyes at him. "Surely your little allergy is not that bad."

"I'm afraid it is, Scarlet." Reeve folded his menu and laid it atop the table. "Zack is severely allergic to shellfish, but that is the only allergy from which he suffers."

Sephiroth raised one brow in question. "And you would know this, how?"

"The cafeteria once served crab cakes for lunch. After he used his Epi-Pen, I had to escort him down to the hospital level so he could recieve medical attention."

Scarlet smiled coldly. "So you know all of the allergies of every major worker or high-ranking SOLDIER in the company, Reeve?"

"Well..."

Rufus took a sip of his wine. "That is not a part of his job description, Scarlet. But since he spends so much time in the company of the higher-ups, Reeve was told to memorize the allergies of the bigwigs of Shinra, SOLDIERs included."

"So what sort of allergies are you privy to, Reeve?" Zack asked, signaling to the waiter that they were ready to order.

"Mostly run-of-the-mill allergies. However, there are a few amusing, or abnormal ones lurking among us. Lobster with fettacini alfredo on the side."

"Care to share some of them?" Sephiroth inquired. "Shrimp Alfredo, with extra shrimp."

"Crab legs." Rufus glared at the Head of Urban Development. "Do not tell them my allergies, if you value your job."

"We already know about your little allergy, sir." Scarlet skimmed the menu, then pointed something out to the waiter. "That."

"I can live without knowing your allergies, sir. It's everyone else I'm curious about. Fried catfish." Zack gathered up the menus and handed them to the waiter, who took them and headed off to the kitchen.

"Fine, then. Guess who is allergic to pepper?"

"Heideggar. I found that out when I pranked him a few years ago." Sephiroth smiled in memory. "It was not a very pretty sight, but well worth the effort."

"So that was you? Nevermind. Who is allergic to chocobo feathers?"

"President Shinra?" Zack asked.

"Actually, that would be Palmer."

"I'm allergic to bullshit. Literally and figuratively," Scarlet announced.

"What about Hojo? What's he allergic to?" Rufus wondered.

"Just about everything. There is very little that he is not allergic to."

"Well, that is certainly useful." Sephiroth grabbed a piece of bread from the basket in the middle of the table and bit into it...

Then started choking.

After a quick application of the Heimlich Manuever by Zack, a piece of well-chewed bread was shot across the table into Scarlet's cleavage. While she shrieked about it, the others watched in morbid fascination as hives broke out across the General's flawless skin and his face swelled up like a balloon. He did not require the usage of his friend's Epi-Pen, but he certainly wasn't looking his best.

"What the hell was in that bread?" he gasped, attempting to hide his face behind his hair.

"Ummm..." Reeve bit his lip. "F-French onions."

"French onions?" Sephiroth collapsed back in his chair. "The one thing I'm allergic to, and they serve it here. Wonderful. The media will be all over this when they see me."

"Seph, I hate to tell you this, but they're all over you anyway. You're Shinra's great General, the best SOLDIER there is. Hardly a day goes by that you're not in the papers." Zack inspected his friend's blotchy, swollen face, then shook his head. "Although, I think this might make front-page news. The public will never believe that the great General Sephiroth is allergic to onions."