IMPORTANT: Okay, I'm aware there was another review for this chapter; however, it got lost somewhere in the abyss as it did not show up on my page or my email. Currently, reviews are either showing up in email only or not at all. I've emailed support about the problem, so hopefully it'll get fixed.
Whoever it was that sent the review (because I don't know) thank you very much, and I'm sorry I couldn't respond to your review. If you have any questions that you expressed in that review just PM me;)
Hopefully the problem will get corrected soon.
From: xXChaoticOrderXx
Q: Whelp, I liked it? Return of the 'I'm not mentally prepared for this by my body is ready' Allen from two chapters ago. In a much more serious way. He knows her too well, that there was no real feeling behind it other than, well, lust. (Even if she does have feelings for him that she's not aware of yet.) That move was not one made out of love, so yes Cas, you royally fucked up.
(Also, in the last chapter was it? When they were searching for Krory I'm sorry but I could not help but think of:
Cas: *Cups hands around mouth* "Eliade is ugly and doesn't deserve love!"
Krory: "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY PRECIOUS ELIADE!?"
Allen: "There he is."
Ah, I'm so bad.)
The next leg of the journey is going to be super awkward and Cas is getting back on the Shame Train x1000. How is she going to make it up to Allen? Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter!
A: Good. I'm glad that I was able to get across those elements in that scene. It was quite a sporadic turn, but something I felt fit within Cas's slightly twisted psyche. At least she's realized at this point that she fucked up; a year ago, she might not have had that capacity.
Lol! That's super funny and very in character; if Cas had just done that, it would have saved them a lot of trouble.
Yes, it is going to be rather awkward, and with poor Krory stuck in the middle! I'm glad you enjoyed:)
From: TitanOfStone
Q: Why does getting stabbed make you H***?
I was reading the chapter like, you know, "normal", only to laugh my a** off at the few bits. Dammit, you, Allen's already too uke as it was, you don't need to add insults to injury, yo
FeelsBadMan for Cas, who royally (tried to) f*** (ed up)
Good chaps and good laughs! :D lookin forward to the next!
A: Well, I kind of implied the reason but to clarify, it's because a part of Lulu Bell (i.e. the shapeshifted sword) went through Cas's body. The contact with the Noah of Lust rubbed off on her.
Obviously, Cas really needs to get a handle on that.
I'm glad you found this chapter so funny!
Well, yes, but Cas is a raging seme so it fits. Hey, who knows? Allen might wear the pants one day; it's a possibility.
I'm glad you liked it:)
From: I don't have one
Q: Well now that was an interesting reaction Allen, I wonder what's got your undies in a bunch? Oh, and good story mate, I can't wait for the next chapter
A: Lol. I think we know exactly what was going on with Allen's undies during that scene ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
He obviously wasn't prepared for it, and he realized that Cas wasn't seeing 'him' in that moment, if that makes sense. He said it himself: he doesn't want her to see him as a 'slam piece'.
Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear you're enjoying this:D
From: YaoiLuvinKitsune
Q: Hey a threeway ship name between Allen, Cas, and Tyki can be Tasen. Can it please become that?
A: Tasen! Love it! Well, I can't make any promises, but there will be shipping fodder all around.
From: Guest
Q: I'm curious as to what the Noah (especially Tyki and Lulubell) think of Cas...
A: Well, I think we have a pretty good idea of how Tyki feels about her. If that scene in the alley is any indication. At the very least, his 'white side' is attracted to her.
As for Lulu Bell, well…that's a little more ambiguous. I personally headcanon Lulu Bell as a lesbian, but that's my own opinion so we'll leave that in the grey area. Otherwise, I can't really see Road liking her considering how she feels about Allen and she hasn't met Skinn, Jasdevi, etc yet, so we'll see…
Chapter 35: Silver Illusions
The eggs are runny.
I stir the yellow soup I'm making of my breakfast around its plate, absentmindedly watching the sandstorm thunder against the windows of the hotel dining hall, turning the whole world into a smoky abyss.
My insides feel similar.
I didn't sleep well last night. I just lay on my bed and tried to stave of the urge to empty my full stomach all over the comforter.
I am thoroughly disgusted with myself.
How could I have done that to Allen? Allen: my best friend, whom I respect and whom I betrayed in that moment of physical weakness.
I am about 99 percent sure the kid's a virgin. As if I'd want his first time to be on the bathroom floor of a hotel room and with me!
He deserves better than that, then me.
A shiver passes through me, and I slam my fork so hard into the center of my plate that a crack slithers out from under the prongs.
"What did those eggs ever do to you?"
I glance up in time to see Krory slide into the seat across from me.
He looks as tired as I feel: his skin a little paler than usual, accenting the dark circles around his eyes.
I avert my gaze as he plucks a blueberry muffin from the top of the brimming plate and proceeds to pick at it halfheartedly.
"You look tired," I finally grumble.
I glance up to see Krory's giving me a hard stare.
"What did you do to Allen?"
My mouth drops as my stomach turns a somersault. "P-Pardon?"
"He was crying last night; that's why I couldn't sleep. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong."
"He was…crying?" My own lip trembles somewhat before I bite it and slam my head down on the table.
"Cas, look at me."
I cautiously raise my head to see Krory's fixing me with a dark stare. In that moment, in the way he's looking at me, it becomes blindingly apparent just how much older Krory really is than me.
Since meeting him, his naivety and inexperience with the world has left me viewing him as something of a little brother, but he's actually ten years my senior.
Right now, he looks it.
Krory rests his tired face on his palm, absentmindedly running his tongue along his upper row of fangs.
I gulp.
"Listen, Cas; I have a lot of respect for you, but I also have a lot of respect for Allen. And I know that you feel the same way, which is why it's so baffling to me that you would hurt him in such a manner."
I find myself averting my eyes once more as the sandstorm outside rattles the windowpanes.
Perhaps Krory's faith in me is misplaced; after all, he'd only known me for about four months.
He doesn't even know about my Innocence heart.
But understanding my actions doesn't excuse them.
Not in the slightest.
"What exactly happened?"
"I forced myself on him," I whisper to my destroyed breakfast.
Krory slams his hand down on the table. "What?!"
"You heard me."
"But why?! Why would you do that?"
My head snaps up. "Because I am an emotional wreck who constantly feels like her power over her own body is slipping, and so she fucks people to make herself feel like she's still in control but lacks the emotional capacity to develop proper intimacy because her mind is weaker than these stupid eggs."
I slam my fork into my food; it falls with a clatter, spraying yellow goo all over the table.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the other hotel patrons staring at us with looks of alarm.
I ignore them.
Krory closes his eyes; he takes a deep breath.
"How-How far did you get?"
"Not far," I reply quietly as if it excuses it. "I just felt him up and gave him a hickey, but then he told me to stop, so I did."
"Cas, what in God's name possessed you-"
"Lots of evil things probably," I cut him off, glancing down at my hands. They're still clean and new as I've only had them for a few weeks, and there's a complete disconnect with the rest of my body.
But there are stains now.
"Or perhaps the fault is simply mine."
Before Krory can respond, Allen approaches the table.
I don't look at him, but I catch a glimpse of his face; he looks exhausted: his hair is disheveled and his eyes are red and raw. I also see that the collar of his jacket is pulled up a little higher than usual.
"I'm going to go pack," I tell the floor as I slide past him, giving his body a wide berth, so that not even our clothes touch.
I see him turn to look at me, but that only makes me move faster.
I rush out of the dining room, bumping my hip on a table as I go.
I run into the lobby; the elevator can't come fast enough.
My whole body is aching.
I can't…I can't face him.
I can't even face myself.
The trip through the Middle East sucks.
And it has nothing to do with the sandstorms.
We're pretty much on a train non-stop for the next two and a half weeks, moving swiftly through smoggy clouds as they buffet the engine slicing through the desert sands.
With the wind and the sands shrouding our transport, masking the sound of its wheels slamming against the tracks, it makes me feel like we're traveling through a void, and there's nothing on the other side.
I sit on a bench with my head on my knees; I try to sleep sometimes, but every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Allen's terrified face as though its burned on the inside of my eyelids.
He sits on the end of the bench, not really speaking either as Timcampy buzzes around his head like an agitated bee around a flower.
Krory is between us, like a mediator.
I don't speak. I really only open my mouth to eat or throw up Blood.
We don't encounter any Akuma.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
At least it would be something to break the silence.
The silence brings the noise inside my head.
The noise that started it all, that screamed inside my mind like the never-ending wail of a banshee, echoing within my brain.
It makes my teeth chatter and my hands shake, and it's what spurred me to run, to yell into the darkness, to pound my body against the ground until ever orifice gushed with Blood, desperate to escape the hell inside my own head.
To drink until I couldn't think, to smoke until I couldn't breathe, to fuck until I couldn't feel.
I thought those days were behind me.
When I'd became an Exorcist, the noises no longer came from within my mind; the resounding crescendo of battle and purpose and meaning and companionship outshined them in ever capacity.
But I'd been slipping; I realized that too late; losing myself as I drowned in the Noah's influence: in Tyki's hot lips and Lulu Bell's burning eyes.
Helpless, hopeless; I never seem to know what's happening to my own flesh.
All I've ever had is this body, and I never feel like it's my own.
I close my hand around my silent chest, feeling the burning coldness beneath my cloak's folds.
What's happening to me?
Day nineteen: we reach Nepal.
What a weird name for a country.
It sounds like 'nipple'.
We're in a marketplace in a town on the city's boarder. A quick base-touch with Komui informed us that Lavi, Lenalee, and Bookman have been in Tibet for about two days now. They would meet us in a border town once we'd crossed the mountains.
While Allen goes to buy supplies, Krory and I linger next to a stand selling yak's milk, which smells sour and makes my stomach tingle.
I'm sitting with my head in my hands: I also have a horrible headache.
"Oh, you're back, Allen." I hear Krory say, followed by the sounds of heavy backpacks changing hands.
"Here." I glance up to see Allen holding out a large carved walking stick to me.
I cautiously accept it, jerking my hand back when our fingers touch the barest amount.
Allen looks away from me; the bite on his neck has almost healed by now, but I can still faintly see it against his pale skin.
"It's a good thing we finally caught up to Lenalee and Lavi," Krory pipes up, breaking the silence. "I can't wait to see them. It's been nearly a month!"
Allen nods in agreement. "And if the information from the local Finders checks out, we're not that far from finding Master Cross either. If it's true that he's been spotted in China, we're only a few weeks out."
"Let's get going then," Krory exclaims, shouldering his pack and gripping his own walking stick.
"Just a minute," Allen holds up a hand. "Before we go, I think we should find a guide. After all, the quickest way over the border is through the mountains." He gestures to a line of snowy peaks just visible above the rooftops of the village. "I was talking with the people at the hotel, and they said that it would be too dangerous to try and cross the mountains by ourselves."
"Where would we find a guide?" Krory inquires.
"A local shepherd will do. Come on," Allen picks up his own staff and steps into the street, Krory close behind.
I hang back.
"Hold on." I then bend over and throw up the yak's milk.
We head out of the city limits and into the fields which are full of sheep and more smelly yaks.
There are a fair share of shepherds in the area, but none of them seem willing to escort us over the Himalayas.
"What do you mean it's 'impossible'?" Allen demands of the fifth one we talk to.
"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it's far too dangerous to cross the mountains right now. I know it looks calm, but there's a storm coming. If you try to cross now, you won't survive the trip."
With that, the man walks off.
"Wait!" Allen calls after him. "When will that be?"
"Three days to a week," the man replies without turning around. "Perhaps longer."
"Well," I snort, crossing my arms. "Just our luck."
"We can't make the others wait any longer," Allen exclaims, "Not to mention the fact that Master is confirmed to be in China, but he might now stay there for long. We can't miss him again!"
"Hey, guys!" I turn in time to see Krory running over to us, the broadest of smiles plastered across his face.
"What are you grinning about?" I inquire as he approaches us.
"I found one!"
Allen blinks. "Huh?"
"A guide. I found one." The faux-vampire than steps to the side to reveal a tiny little Nepal boy. "His name is Amir," Krory explains, "He agreed to take us as far as Tibet."
I look down at the boy; he's scrawny and short with dark, deep-set eyes that star impassively up at me from under a goat's hide hood.
A wave of hot nausea surges in the pit of my stomach. I crouch down in the grass, gripping my torso.
"Cas? Are you alright?" Allen asks.
"Yes!" I assert a little too loudly, straightening up. "I'm fine."
Allen looks to me in concern. "Maybe we shouldn't leave today. Besides, all of the shepherds I talked to said that a storm was coming."
"You don't need to worry about that," Amir asserts quietly. "I know a shortcut. You'll be through the mountains before the storm hits."
"Let's hurry then," Krory presses.
Allen casts one last glance at me; I don't return it.
"Alright, let's get moving."
"Great!" Krory exclaims, visibly pleased with himself. "Don't worry, Allen; we're all stocked up on food supplies. We'll be just fine."
He then runs ahead of us up the path leading out of the fields and towards the more uneven rocky slopes that trailed upwards into the mountains.
"Krory, wait! Watch your step!" Allen calls.
"I'll be fine," the faux-vampire calls back over his shoulder, "I know what I-Oomf!" With a cry, he flies over the crest of a hill and tumbles out of sight.
"Krory!" I exclaim, running after him.
"I told him," Allen grumbles.
It isn't long before we leave the fields behind, and the mountains close in around us. The terrain is rough and unbalanced, the rocks hard under our feet.
The further up we go, the harsher the winds become, slicing through our bodies and making it hard to remain upright.
Krory grips the folds of his cloak. "It's cold."
Allen nods in agreement, stuffing Timcampy into his coat in order to keep the golem out of the wind.
"At the foot of the mountains it was summer, but now it feels like winter."
I fumble with the clasps of my cloak, glancing up at the sky as silvery clouds begin to waft in from the horizon. I can smell the frigid fragrance of snow in the air.
"We have to hurry."
The ground slopes dangerously upward, moving on practically a vertical incline.
The air is thin and grey, the snow swirling around us in faster and faster drifts.
The wind is bitterly cold, feeling like a blade of ice scraping against my cheeks.
"Amir, didn't you say that we would be able to cross the mountains before the weather got bad?" I address the shepherd boy walking ahead of us.
"Stop that," Allen snaps at me. "We asked him to help us."
I instantly slam my mouth shut, the wind howling in my ears.
The weather gets worse with every step, soon we're submerged in a torrent of white. It pounds against our bodies, making our feet drag as we're buffeted by the storm. My clothes cling to my body and the icy wind slices through them.
My feet are numb, my ill-prepared shoes having long since soaked through and then frozen over. I slowly stagger along a slope, facing the icy stone wall as I grip it tentatively.
Allen moves ahead of me with Amir in the lead and Krory bringing up the rear.
"Oh, this is all my fault!" the latter wails over the roaring storm. "I pressured Amir into taking us up here and now-Augh!" His words collapse into screams as he slips and staggers backward.
I turn just as Krory falls over the side.
"Krory!" I dive after him without thinking. My hands close around his wrist, but my feet leave solid ground a moment later.
"Cas! Krory!"
My body jerks and I blink rapidly through the storm and the vertigo. There's a pressure on both ends of my body, one from tightly gripping Krory as he freely dangles under me, the other from Allen's firm hold on my ankle, straining as he tries to keep us in place.
"I've got you!" he calls to us.
Below me, Krory sobs quietly.
"It's alright," Allen assures him. "I'm going to pull you up."
He then lets ago for the space of a heart beat before he closes his now activated claws around my waist, giving him better leverage to pull us both back over the side of the ledge.
I gasp as I fall onto all fours in the knee-high drifts. Krory is beside me, whimpering quietly.
I glance up as Allen moves over to him.
"Krory, come on. We have to keep moving; if this storm gets any worse, we won't be able to cross the ridge."
Krory sniffs heavily.
"Did you hear me?" Allen kneels down next to him. "What is it?"
"My leg," Krory replies quietly, "My ankle hit the rock pretty hard when I fell. It's nothing; I'll be fine." His words are disproven when he tries to stand. He cries out as he attempts to put weight on his ankle.
"It's pretty swollen," I observe, scrambling to my feet and going over to him. "Here. Give me a second to heal it."
Krory looks to me with bemusement as I quickly yank his boot off, holding the injured ankle in my lap as I tug my glove and then sink my teeth into the tender skin of my forearm. Hot Blood explodes across my freezing lips, steaming slightly as a few crimson drops dribble into the snow.
The rest trickles onto Krory's wound as I hold the wound over his injury.
He hisses through his teeth as the fluid seeps into his skin. After a moment, his eyes widen in astonishment.
"It feels much better now," he says as he pulls his shoe back on and slowly gets to his feet.
"I'm glad to hear it," Allen glances up at the storm. "This is bad. We should keep going."
"No. We can't."
I jump about a foot in the air, whirling around to find Amir standing directly behind me.
"Jesus! Don't do that."
"What do you mean 'we can't'?" Krory asks.
"The storm has slowed our movements and night is approaching," the boy explains simply. "If we dig a hole now, we can wait in there until the storm passes over us."
Allen grimaces. "A hole?"
"A tent would never stay up in this kind of wind."
I heave a sigh, pulling on my glove. "Well, let's get digging."
We spend the better part of an hour hollowing out a particularly dense snow drift into a little cave.
The space is just big enough for all of to fit inside; we sit cross-legged around Amir's lantern while the wind continues to howl outside.
The shepherd boy opens his bulging pack and pulls out our food provisions consisting mostly of tough meat and salt-less crackers.
Regardless, Allen and I don't complain. It's the only food I've gotten since that bad yak's milk, and my stomach's been complaining for hours.
As I finish my last piece of meat, I spy a lone cracker resting on the open cloth.
I reach for it just as Allen's finger are about to close around it as well.
I look up at him. He scowls at me.
"Excuse me. It's mine."
My own eyes narrow. "No, it's mine. I saw it first; besides, didn't I see you eating an extra piece a minute ago?"
"You did not!"
"Did to!"
"Guys…"
"Shut up, Krory."
"Fine!" Allen relents, holding up his hands. His voice venomous; the boy can be downright vicious when he's hungry. "You're always hungry for something aren't you?"
I feel a pang in my chest.
"You know what, take it you little shit!" I spat, my voice rising as I chuck the cracker at him and slump back against the wall of the cave, crossing my arms.
Allen looks at the fallen cracker getting soggy in the snow.
"Cas…"
"No! Just shut up!"
"Maybe you two need a little space," Krory says pointedly, shifting to sit between us.
I don't respond, just pivot my body so I'm not facing either of them.
"It's really nasty out there, isn't it?" the faux-vampire continues if only to break the silence. "It almost sounds like it could go on for days." He laughs nervously.
Allen pales. "Actually, I didn't consider that we might end up spending a few days in here, and now…"
Krory gulps. "We're out of food."
"Augh, fucking hell. I'm so stupid!" Allen cries, gripping the sides of his head. "What are we going to do now?!"
I lean across Krory and flick him in the forehead. "Stop panicking. For God's sake, we've gotten out of worse scrapes than this."
Allen whimpers.
I sigh. "Maybe we should get some sleep. The storm might pass by morning."
"That isn't a good idea," Amir asserts, gesturing to the lantern lighting our cave, "This device doesn't provide us with nearly enough warmth. In sleep, you could freeze to death."
Krory pales. "R-Really?"
"No food and no sleep. Quite the picnic," Allen grumbles, flopping his head down on his knees.
I shift uncomfortably. "Um, well, if its not too weird for you guys, you could always use me to keep warm."
Allen's head snaps up, while Krory looks at me in bewilderment.
"Um, Cas…"
"No! Not like that!" I quickly exclaim. "Look, I can manipulate my Blood to warm or cool my body beyond its natural limits. If you guys stay close to me throughout the night, I should be able to keep you warm enough to sustain you. Does that sound alright?"
Krory and Allen exchange a glance. "I suppose."
"Alright then." I then fold my hands and close my eyes, concentrating. After a moment, a surge of heat unfolds from within my core, spreading throughout my entire body.
I gasp, feeling my insides tighten at the sudden pressure. After a moment, sweat begins to bead on my brow.
"Wow, you're flushed," Krory observes, leaning forehead to feel my forehead. "Whoa! You're burning up."
I smirk. "Told ya."
Still marveling, Krory scoots a little closer to me, eventually resting his cheek on the top of my head.
"Gee, Cas; if you can keep this up, we'll make it through the night no sweat."
"Maybe for you," I reply thickly as a bit of moisture trickles down my cheek.
Allen shifts to sit on the other side of me. I then feel him cautiously rest his head on my shoulder, wrapping his hands around my upper arm.
I turn to look at him, but he's already closed his eyes.
Above me, I hear Krory's breathing even out.
I glance across the little cave to see Amir impassively watching us.
I smile weakly. "Care to join us?"
He shakes his head, and goes back to sipping his drink.
I suppose he must be used to this.
I slowly lean back against the wall, careful to not disturb Allen and Krory.
The former is snoozing heavily by now. He shifts somewhat, knocking me in the elbow as he mutters Eliade's name.
On my other arm, Allen's grip loosens on my arm, one hand falling palm up onto my knee.
"Cas…"
I jump, jerking towards him in surprise. He still appears sound asleep. I then reach out and tenderly brush the top of his head, running my fingers through his soft white hair.
I feel my eyelids grow heavy, and before I know it, I've dropped off to sleep.
I awake with a start. The lantern has gone out, and the snow appears blue in the darkness.
Outside, the sky is still pure white from the storm as it heaps drift after drift against the cave entrance.
Krory is snoring quietly in my ear while Allen meanwhile…
I look down.
At some point during the night, Allen has managed to crawl into my lap. He's currently curled up between my crossed legs with his head resting on my chest and his knees pulled into his chest.
He seems really comfortable.
I sigh.
God damn it, kid.
As I lean my head back against the wall, I can't help but feel like something is nagging at the edge of my mind.
A flash of red suddenly catches in the corner of my eye. I jerk my head in time to see a small skirted figure step out of the cave and into the storm.
My mouth parts slightly. "Emma…? Emma!" I carefully pry Allen and Krory from me as I jump to my feet and scramble from the cave.
The storm bites at my face as I step out into the open. I scan the white haze, searching for that pop of crimson I'd spotted before.
I finally see her, standing with her back to me; the violent wind whipping around her, tearing her honey brown hair from its twist and rippling across her crimson skirt.
I'd know that dress anywhere. I'd made it.
"Emma!" I run over to her just as she turns to face me.
Her eyes are large and clear, dark in all the surrounding white.
"Emma," I rush forward and clasp her hands, gripping them in my own. "I'm not stupid; I know this is a dream, but I don't care. I need to talk to you."
Emma looks up at me, tilting her head to the side.
I'm surprise she hasn't spoken yet, but I don't linger long as I take a deep breath, squeezing her fingers between my own.
"Look. I tried-I tried to do what you said, but I can't. I just can't! I'm afraid, Emma; I'm so afraid, and I feel like I'm slipping, constantly. I don't know if anything I do is within my control. It scares me if it isn't. it scares me if it is. But how do I know that I'm strong enough to handle what's to come. I can't even get over what's happened in the past. Am I weak?"
A sob break in my throat as I press my forhead against Emma's hands grasped within my own.
"Tell me what to do, Emma!" I shout over the storm.
Only the wind responds. I look up into Emma's still, silent face.
My mouth parts somewhat. "Emma, love, say something." I release one of her hands and reach up to gently brush the side of her face with my own.
She steps away from my reach, pulling free of my grasp.
I gape at her as she stares me down with those cold, impassive eyes.
A stare that's so familiar, but in all the wrong ways.
"You are weak."
Emma's voice, so recognizable and yet so alien as it utters those words.
"W-What?" the word catches in my throat as I look at her, utterly shocked.
"You are weak," Emma repeats. "You are not strong, and you never will be."
I gape at her as the wind tears through my body, but it doesn't compare to her words tearing through me.
I clench my fists, squeezing my eyes shut.
"I-I…Emma, I-I can't. I can't-" I grind my wrists into the sides of my head as I drop to the my knees in the snow.
I feel weak and sick and tired and angry and I want to scream and tear this useless skin from my body.
The wind surges again, nearly knocking me off the mountain. My eyes flutter open, widening when I see that the spot Emma had occupied mere moments before is now empty of all but swirling snow.
I make a small noise of surprise as I slowly stagger to my feet.
"E-Emma?" I cautiously call, not loud enough
I hear the snow crunch behind me; I'm about to turn around when a voice makes me stop cold.
"Hello, Cas."
A gasp catches in my throat. My whole body seizes and I start shaking so violently I can barely stand.
I slowly turn around to see a tall, slender, horribly handsome figure standing between me and the cave.
Tyki smiles slyly as he removes his top hat, running his fingers through his glossy curls.
"How lovely to see you again."
I can't breathe.
This isn't a dream. This is a nightmare.
My eyes waver to the cave entrance where Allen and Krory must still be hiding. I can barely see it past the snow.
"You can't save them." I turn my attention back to Tyki as a sinister smirk slithers across his lips. "You couldn't save Daisya. How do you expect to protect them?"
Anger flares in me. I charge blindly. I don't care if this is a dream or not as my Blood unravels from under my clothes.
Tyki dodges with ease, sliding out of view.
I stop dead, pivoting to defend myself, but Tyki knocks me to the side and I'm sent flying.
I hit the side of the cliff with a blunt crack. Heat and Blood erupt from the side of my skull as I crumple to the ground in a heap.
I'm dazed, and my vision is cloudy. I slowly shift to my knees, groaning heavily as Blood pours down the side of my face.
Through my cloudy gaze, I can see Tyki striding over to me, his gold eyes gleaming through the storm as he reaches out towards me.
"Come here, darling. We're going to have a little fun."
My eyes flutter open.
I can hear the howls of the storm just outside. My eyes just start to focus, and my heart stands still in my chest when I catch a familiar figure in worn, patchwork clothes stepping out of the cave.
"Mana!" I gasp as I jump to my feet and scramble after him. "Mana!" I yell louder over the wind as I step into the storm.
It's practically a white out. I can see anything but the torrent of ice, blending together into a singular ivory mass around me, like a white abyss.
The cold air against my cheeks clears my head. I close my eyes, shaking my head.
"It's impossible. I brought salvation to his soul; there's no way he could come back to life." I reopen my eyes, gritting my teeth.
Someone is creating an illusion. Is it an Akuma?
I hear a footstep to my right, and turn in time to see another familiar image: long red hair under a wide black hat, dressed in a black and gold coat.
"Master!" I clench my teeth as I rush over to the figure. "You can't fool me! I know you're an illusion."
I rush up to them and throw my fist at their chest. I expect it to pass through and am startled when the image of my Master knocks my hand aside.
I gasp as he socks me hard in the chest. I choke, air leaving me as I'm sent flying off my feet and into the side of the cliff.
I hit the rock hard, sliding to the ground as I almost black out.
When my vision clears, I look to see that I'm alone in the storm. I can't see anyone.
The cave was empty.
"Cas!" I jump to my feet, shouting over the wind. "Krory! Where are you?!"
There's no response.
The wind suddenly surges violently, and I'm nearly thrown off my feet. I hold my hands in front of my face, shielding my eyes.
When I lower them, the shift in the wind gives way to tow people a short distance from the cave.
Cas is on her knees in the snow; a tall figure in a well-dressed party clothes is holding her by the throat. As I look on, I see that he has the umber skin, golden eyes and familiar stigmata.
A Noah.
"Cas!" I scream as my arm activates and I charge forward. I fire a blast in the Noah's direction. They step to avoid it just in time, dropping Cas into the snow.
The storm surges, and the snow shrouds them. I jerk back, holding up my hand until the wind dies back down.
"Allen?"
I glance up and my mouth falls open. I see that there are now two identical Cas's standing side by side, both looking at eachother equal looks of confusion.
"What the fuck?"
"What the hell is going on here?"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Cas Williams. Who are you?"
"Don't mess around with me. I'm the real Cas!"
I look between them, flustered.
"I understand now," I say to the two of them, and they simultaneously stop their bickering. "Lulu Bell can shapeshift; she was Amil and this whole thing was a trap. I'm right, aren't I?"
"Don't ask me!" the two Cas's exclaim in unison, pointing at each other. "Ask her!"
I look between them. It's a little disorienting how perfect the imitation is.
The both even have the same identical head wound.
The question is: how am I going to tell them apart?
"Allen," the Cas on the left calls to me, smiling as she tucks her red hair behind her ear. "Come on. You know I'm the real thing."
"Don't listen to that bitch!" the Cas on the right interjects. "Allen, c'mon. Can't you see she's the fake?"
"She's the imposter, not me!"
"Stop imitating me!"
"Enough," I step forward, and both Cas's instantly fall silent. "I know a way to tell for sure." I smile as I approach the Cas on the right.
She raises an eyebrow as I stand before her, reaching up to brush a strand of her hair off her forehead.
"Allen..."
I just continue to smile as I push up on my toes, cupping the sides of her face as I lean forward, reaching for her lips, but she jerks away from me.
"N-No!" she cries, stumbling backward with such force that she falls to the ground. "D-Don't. I-I can't do that, Allen. I can't-I can't touch you after what I did. What I did…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she wails, burying her face in her hands. "I-I hate myself for it!"
I smirk, pointing at her. "You're the real Cas."
She looks up at me, blinking in astonishment.
I then turn to the fake.
"And you're Lulu Bell, aren't you?"
The other Cas stares me down coldly, her long red hair whipping about her in the wind.
I glower at her. "Why don't you stop wearing that face and show us your true form."
Expressionless, Lulu Bell slowly steps backward.
"Wait!" Cas starts forward, but falters as the Noah vanishes into the rippling winds.
"Where'd she go?" I ask.
Seconds later, we hear a scream.
"Krory!" We both take off running in the direction of his cry.
The snow parts as we plunge through it, and I catch a glimpse of Krory huddled in the snow, sobbing.
"G-Grandfather…E-Eliade."
"Looks like he fell victim to Lulu Bell as well," I surmise as Cas drops down next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Krory, it's alright."
I glance around us just as a rumbling builds up around us.
"Watch out!" I yell as the ground erupts in a spray of snow.
Cas yanks Krory out of the way just as a pack of Akuma burst from the snowbanks and close in around us.
"Krory, come on," Cas pulls him to his feet.
I swing my Weapon towards them. "Duck!"
They do so as I fire over their heads.
The Akuma dodges and a silver disc rockets towards me. I pivot to dodge, but I'm not fast enough.
Pain explodes in my abdomen and I stagger, gripping my torso as I feel hot blood seeping between my fingers.
"Allen!" Cas rushes forward, shooting a Blood spear through the offending Akuma.
It explodes, spraying shrapnel all around us.
"I'm alright," I call back to her, "It's just a scratch."
It really isn't; I'm already feeling slightly lightheaded.
Behind Cas, Krory jumps up and rips his teeth through three Akuma.
I turn and fire my gun through two, still gripping my wound with my free arm.
There's suddenly a great explosion that seems to shake the whole mountain. I turn and my heart drops into my stomach to see a great wave of white surging towards us from the peak.
"Avalanche!" I hear Krory yell.
"Come on, Allen. We have to move," I turn to look her, squinting through the storm. My vision doubles and then my knees give out.
"Allen!" Cas's voice sounds distant as I fall.
I hit the ground, passing out mere seconds after my vision goes white as the snow consumes us.
Warm.
I'm so warm.
A single drop of moisture alights on my nose. My brow creases as my eyes flutter open.
They widen as my vision focuses and I see Cas gazing down at me.
Her gold eyes flood with relief.
"A-Allen."
She looks exhausted; her face is more flushed than usual and there are blisters bubbling across her ruddy cheeks.
"Cas…? What have you-" I trial off as fully assess the situation. Cas is straddling me with her arms planted on either side of my head, said limbs are trembling horribly.
Krory is on his side directly to my left, still apparently unconscious.
The warmth coming from Cas's body is nearly overwhelming.
I look back up and then I notice the wings.
Erupting from Cas's back, her Blood has shaped itself into a form I've never seen before: a pair of gigantic crimson wings that spread out from Cas and drape down around us, curling around Krory and me in a tender kind of embrace.
I look up at her staring down at me with sweat dripping down her face.
A Bloody angel.
"A-Allen. I-I'm s-sorry," Cas stammers before her eyes roll back in her head and she gives way, falling off me and landing on her side.
"Cas!" I sit up as she hits the ground next to me in the patch of mud we're lying on, the snow having long since melted under her influence. I look down to see that my wound has been healed, but I don't dwell on it as I scramble onto all fours and crawl over to Cas, lying in the snow as it dissolves to water around her.
She's shaking with fever, and I tenderly place a hand on her shoulder. "Cas, how-how high?"
"D-Don't know. I lost track at about 110."
My mouth parts slightly. "Cas! That could kill someone."
She laughs weakly, "Not me apparently."
I look at her sadly. I then notice that her Blood is still in its wing shape, the burning feathers fanning out behind her across the snow as it liquefies.
"Did you notice the wings?"
"Yeah. I-I've never done that before," Cas murmurs.
"Do you suppose you can fly with them?"
"M-Maybe," Cas's words collapse into a cough. I grip her shoulders to steady her, cupping one hand behind her head as I gently turn her onto her back. When her breathing steadies, I reach up to tenderly brush at the blisters peppering her checks.
Cas's chest heaves. "Is Krory alright?"
I turn from her and move over to him, brushing my hands across his chest, feeling his even breath and beating heart.
I turn back to Cas. "He's fine."
She closes her eyes in relief.
"Thanks to you."
"Of course," she coughs again. "I h-had to keep you two safe."
"And you did," I assure her as I gently lift her upper body out of the mud, still gripping the back of her head as I hold her across my knee, leaning her head against my chest. "But you can stop now. We're safe."
Cas sighs. I can almost feel the visible change in her burning body as her temperature starts to drop.
"Allen…lowering…temperature…means…I…might pass…" Her head droops against me as she blacks out.
I look down at her: at her wet hair and scorched face.
I knew that I need to see to Krory, perhaps find some way to rose him. The morning sky above us is clear, and we need to find a way down the mountain into Tibet.
I kiss Cas's cooling forehead as I gently lower her back to the ground.
"You did good, Cas. You did good."
I crack open an eye, and am instantly bombarded with light.
I squeeze them shut with a groan.
"Cas?"
My eyes snap open, and I'm alarmed to see Lenalee and Bookman standing over me.
"L-Legs," I exclaim attempting to sit up, but I falter as my head starts spinning.
"Easy," Bookman urges, placing a hand on my shoulder to steady me, "You've had a trying journey."
"Where are we?" I ask.
"Lhasa," Lenalee explains, "The capitol of Tibet."
"Where are Allen and Krory?"
"Here," I look to the door to see Krory and Allen step into the room along with Lavi.
"Glad to see you're alright, Cassandra."
Allen nods in agreement, smiling at me. "Hey, Cas."
I hesitate before returning his smile. "Hi."
Krory clears his throat loudly. "Well, I'm sure Cas is very tired. Allen, why don't you see if she needs anything while the rest of us get some dinner."
"Aww, but I want to eat too!" the boy whines.
"Allen," Krory gives him a hard look.
The boy falters.
"Good idea, Fang-boy. I'm starving," Lavi exclaims, oblivious as he files out of the room, Bookman and Lenalee close behind him. Krory leaves last, closing the door behind him.
Wordlessly, Allen moves over to sit on the bed opposite mine as I shift to hang my legs over the side of the mattress.
There's a pause.
"You do realize you almost kissed a Noah, right?" I say after a moment.
"Don't remind me."
I look at him, my chest is burning, and my hands are shaking. I clench them into fists.
"I-In that moment, I meant what I said," I whisper, "I'm sorry about what I did. I'm so sorry, Allen, and I don't blame you if you hate me, but I-." I pause, taking a deep breath. "It's just that, I feel like I'm slipping, like I'm losing control of myself. The Noah, they make me feel like I'm not myself. Like they have some kind of influence on me. Before, in those years before I joined the Order, I would feel like that sometimes and I would have sex with people to try and regain a sense of myself. I was cold…I was cold and lonely and I missed Emma so much I wanted to die. I wanted that, craved what we had even though I knew I would never get it back. I would become consumed by how alone I was, I would give into myself, drinking, smoking, whatever else, and then I would hate myself for it, and it would just make me numb. I was so afraid to feel, and I hated myself for it. It was a vicious cycle."
I slowly get to my feet, looking at Allen as he sits with his head bent and his hand resting in his lap.
"I found a new sense of myself in the Order, you know that, and in meeting you, I managed to get back the parts of myself I thought I'd lost, the parts of myself that I thought I destroyed. Allen, I never treated you the same way I treat other people because I hold you in the highest esteem, but in that moment, I reverted back because I was afraid, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I know that I'm just making excuses, but I…" I grit my teeth. "I just don't want to ruin what I have with you, because you mean the world to me, Allen Walker, and I hope you believe me when I say that."
I finish speaking, but Allen doesn't respond. He doesn't even look at me.
I gaze at him, horrified.
Then he starts laughing.
My eyes widen. "Why are you laughing?"
He looks up at me as tears trickle down his cheeks.
"Why are you crying?" I hurriedly cross the room, kneeling down in front of him, placing my hands on his knees as he wipes his eyes, still giggling slightly.
"Allen?"
"I'm sorry. It's just…I thought you were mad at me."
My mouth falls open. "You thought I was mad because you wouldn't sleep with me? No! Allen, never! If anything, you should be mad at me."
"I was mad at you," Allen admits, "I worried that you didn't see me as anything more than something to get you off."
"In that moment, it wasn't how I see you otherwise," I admit, my hands curling into fists. "But I cherish you, Allen Walker; you are a beautiful person, and I would never want to take something like that away from you, I would never want to ruin what we have in that kind of way."
Allen stares at me, startled.
I smile, tilting my head to the side. "Why did you think I never hit on you until then? Did you think I didn't think you were good looking? It's because I didn't want to taint this. I hold you as something higher than just physical attraction. I hope you know that."
Allen swallows. "I-I do."
"Good," I drop my eyes. "I'm sorry I forgot that. Can you…Can you forgive me?"
I look up as Allen reaches out and brushes the side of my face. He smiles. "I forgave you weeks ago."
Something swells in the pit of my stomach; I look into Allen's grey eyes and feel slightly weightless.
"Can you forgive me?" he asks quietly, "For what I said in the cave, I-I didn't mean it."
I snort. "I know."
"Cas, have an outsider perspective," Allen continues as he presses his Innocence arm to my chest. I feel the pulse the Innocence on Innocence contact has within me. "You are you, you're here and I see you, I feel you, and I know you. I feel your mind and your soul in spite of this cold heart. if none of what you have done, what you've saved and thrived is truly you, then how could I have come to care for you so deeply?"
He looks back up at me, his eyes full of earnest.
I feel a heat behind my eyes. "Oh Allen, I really don't deserve you."
"Stop saying that," he chides lightly. "You deserve everything."
I laugh slightly. "I just wish I was as strong as you."
Allen snorts. "Don't think I don't have my weaknesses too. Do you have any idea how many people I cheated in card games? It wasn't just lowlifes and gangsters; innocent people too. First timers, people too drunk to decline, enabling addicts. In my time with Master, money became more important than breathing; it became a necessity to my survival, and it was the only way I found I could be in control of my situation. I got it in any way I could, no matter who it was I hurt." Allen closes his eyes, sighing heavily. "Like I said, I was a pretty mean person for a while."
I look at him, shocked.
Allen sighs, shaking his head as he continues to rub the side of my face in tender circles with his thumb.
"I wanted the money like you wanted the sex. What we want can become what we need so easily, and it can consume us."
A smile unfolds on his lips as he looks down at me kneeling before him. He leans closer, his grey eyes shining as he whispers: "What has to be done to break the chains is find something worthwhile, something stronger, better to stand in its place, and we both found that in the Order, in each other. Cassandra, whatever our souls are made of: yours and mine are the same. And I will always be here for you."
I'm floored, momentarily speechless, least of all because it's the first time Allen has called me by my full name.
"Same to you," I finally say.
Allen grins before he reaches out and wraps his arms around my shoulders. After a moment's hesitation, I return his embrace.
I wrap my arms tightly around him, feeling him against me, inhaling the scent in his hair.
After a moment, I release him and move to sit down on the bed next to him.
Allen looks at me, slightly perplexed. His coat is off, and his proximity allows me to notice the faint bruise on his neck.
I reach forward and brush my fingers through the ends of his hair. I smile reassuringly as I slowly lean forward. Allen stiffens somewhat as I softly press my lips against the rough spot on his throat.
He gasps quietly at the tender touch. "Cas…"
My eyes flit to his face to see that there's no fear in his expression; his eyes are closed in a look of bliss.
I grin as I rear back. "There. That's better."
Allen reopens his eyes, blinking rather rapidly as he looks at me.
"Cas, how did you know that you loved Emma?"
I stare at him, startled at the question.
After a moment, I relent as I pull him into my chest again, letting his head rest on my shoulder as I trail my fingers through his soft hair, thinking on how to phrase my answer.
"I suppose it was when I realize that being without her was painful, that being with her was so intense it hurt, that losing her was agony, that being without her was…hell."
Allen shifts his head to look at me. He reaches up and his fingers brush against my lips, after a moment he tilts his head up and his mouth presses against the scape of my jawline.
I freeze at his actions, my own mouth parting in shock.
"Love is torture," Allen whispers.
I sigh quietly.
"Yeah, it is."
A/N: So, *kinda* kiss and make up? I guess. The teasing was strong in this chapter. I'm sorry.
Poor Cas; it's a constant struggle dealing with her continuing fears and regrets.
I hope you all enjoyed the tender moment at the end. I know I did.
Tell me what you thought of the chapter.
Hopefully I'll actually get the review *growls*
Anyways, see you next week. :D