Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.
The reference to Nick is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.
As soon as we got close to the cafeteria I heard Alice's thoughts calling out to me. Enjoy yourself. Just a few more days to be patient. I suppose you won't say hi to Bella for me, will you?
Were all psychics this smug? After 55 years of living together I would have thought I that I would have been more adjusted to, well, the Alice way of seeing the world. I wondered briefly if it irritated Jasper at all. Usually her smugness was about things I didn't care about, fashion trends for instance, but this was … I couldn't find words. I had an irrational desire to protect Bella from Alice and not because Alice contained the potential to kill Bella. She was very well practiced around humans and she cared for Bella in her own way. No. That wasn't it. What was it then? I certainly wanted to make sure Alice's visions didn't become reality, but that had nothing to do with Alice herself. It was there hidden in the back of my mind, but I just couldn't put my finger on it yet. We were at the cafeteria entrance when Alice looked right at me.
FYI, it's going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You might want to rearrange your plans.
Smug, but definitely useful. I briefly wondered if there was more to Alice's little aids and nudges than just her wanting to be friends with Bella. I doubted I would ever find out. Alice was the best in the family in keeping things from me. I never prodded past her mental blockades, but I knew they were firmer than even Carlisle's. I tried to let go of my irritation towards Alice and focus solely on all the times that Alice had supported me or prevented things. Because no matter her methods, I knew Alice meant well and would do nothing to put the family at risk. Last night was only one of many images that came to mind.
Jasper looked at me with a curious look. He went through his mental listing of emotions that swirled inside of me, separating my regular temperament with whatever he was trying to decipher. As we caught each other's eyes his mind stopped the analysis. Edward, you're over thinking. Just enjoy the moment. And then he huffed like he was trying to get through to a wall. He would probably go back to figuring out whatever was puzzling him at a later point. For the first time since he entered my family that didn't annoy me. I didn't have to know. Perhaps I could even attempt to take his advice.
Emmett and Rosalie weren't in the cafeteria yet. I secretly hoped that they would not show, but that was wishful thinking. I made the effort to push everyone's thoughts, but especially my siblings' into the background. I knew that lunchtime was prime time to catch if there were any new suspicions amongst the humans. I rationalized that I had been loosely monitoring them all morning without the slightest indication for us to be concerned, not to mention that if I actively monitored the human thoughts then I would be challenged to quiet my siblings' thoughts given their proximity. I wasn't up for that, given the conversation I wanted to have with Bella. Not to mention the likelihood that, given the conversation topic and my siblings' likely inner commentary it would be exceedingly difficult for me to appear my recent propensity for uncharacteristic behaviour, I was too likely to growl or do some other inhuman behaviour. No. It was too high of a risk. So, I just pushed everyone into the background.
Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with her zipper on her jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but whenever she met my gaze, she would look down as if she was embarrassed. Was this because so many people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers–the gossip was verbal as well as mental today? She didn't like attention, but I didn't know how to protect her from it. Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that I hadn't liked something she had said?
I didn't know what food she liked–not yet–so I grabbed one of everything from the lunch line.
"What are you doing?" she hissed in a low voice. "You're not getting all that for me?"
I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to pay.
"Half is for me, of course."
Right then I caught Rosalie and Emmett coming in out of the corner of my eye. They were both probably saying something to me mentally, but I didn't want to ruin my mood, so I made sure not to make eye contact and that their inner voices stayed in the background. Emmett had looked apologetic. He probably had tried to calm Rosalie down. It didn't look like it had done much good. Even without the mental assault it was obvious that she was irate. I was glad we were in a public place. Rosalie had almost as good of a record as Carlisle. She would never do anything to reveal our secret. With that thought I let go of any animosity or defensiveness I had held against Rosalie being upset. I was the one risking us, not her.
Bella raised one eye sceptically at my statement, but said nothing as I escorted her to the table we had sat at last week before her disastrous experience with blood typing. It seemed like more than a few days ago. Everything was different now.
She sat across from me again with her back to her regular table and even further away my siblings. I pushed the tray toward her.
"Take whatever you want," I encouraged.
I tried to find the words to start the conversation I needed to have with Bella knowing that my siblings were listening. So far everything I thought of was too embarrassing or gave too much away.
Bella picked up an apple and twisted it in her hand, a speculative look on her face.
"I'm curious."
Shocking. Bella curious. Was she trying to avoid talking about her conversation with Jessica? I won't put it past her.
"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" she continued in a low voice that wouldn't carry to the nearby human ears.
My siblings on the other hand ... Maybe I should have taken the time to tell them before school. Even this simple statement would cue them into the fact that she was aware of one more inhuman quality. Too late now.
"You're always curious," I complained shaking my head.
I really disliked this part of our charade. It was absolutely unpleasant. I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bit off a small bite of whatever it was. Without looking, I couldn't tell. It was slimy and chunky and as repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed keeping the grimace off my face. The glob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat. I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it up later. Disgusting.
Bella looked shocked. Impressed.
I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.
"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" I asked.
I watched her carefully. It was if I could begin to see her mental processes written on her face.
Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. "I did once … one a dare. It wasn't so bad."
I tried to imagine a younger childlike Bella being dared to do such a thing.
I laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."
I made the mistake of moving my gaze over to where Bella usually sat. Right behind her shoulder was Jessica looking right at me.
They look cosy, don't they? Good body language. I'll give Bella my take later. He's leaning toward her just the way he should, if he's interested. He looks interested. He looks … perfect. Jessica sighed. Yum.
I met Jessica's curious eye, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl next to her. I would have to stop listening to Jessica's thoughts so much if I wanted her mental voice to stop intruding when I looked at her.
Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy …
I wondered if Bella also thought of me as a fantasy rather than a reality. I didn't want to ponder what that might mean. I made sure to keep my eye contact on Bella and pushed back Jessica's mental voice.
Bella looked at me curiously.
"Jessica's analyzing everything I do–she'll break it down for you later," I answered in a muted tone.
I pushed the plate of food back towards her–pizza I saw–wondering how best to broach her and Jessica's conversation. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that. I tried at analyze the level of my frustration. It was enough that I was glad to be in a public setting. I knew our location would ensure that I would contain myself as long as I didn't get lost in Bella like I had at the restaurant.
She put the apple down and took a bite from the slice of pizza where my mouth had just been. Her trust amazed me. She just took it on faith that it was still safe for her to eat. Of course, she didn't know I was poisonous. We hadn't gotten to that part yet–not that sharing food would hurt her. It was simply that I expected her to treat me differently. As something other–like everyone else did. She hadn't yet. That was bound to change, I reminded myself.
I found a way to start the conversation off gently.
"So the waitress was pretty, was she?" I asked making sure I sounded sceptical.
I watched her features as she took in my statement.
She raised her eyebrow incredulously. "You really didn't notice?"
After all these years Bella had been the only one to capture my attention. She obviously not only didn't see herself clearly, but she also hadn't seen the waitress clearly. She was being absurd again and I had no idea how to show her the absurdity. Nevertheless, this wasn't the moment for that conversation. I considered how to answer truthfully given our audience.
"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind."
Trying to not kill that scum for starters. The way her blue blouse had hung on her frame … Good thing she'd worn that ugly sweater today.
Truthful, simple, straightforward. Perhaps I was getting better at this.
"Poor girl," Bella offered smiling.
It seemed that she liked that I hadn't given the waitress my attention. Could it be possible that she felt jealous? I could understand that feeling. How many times had I imagined plummeting Mike? Today we had possibly shared two similar reactions. I began to ponder what that might mean. I stopped my line of thinking. She could so easily distract me from what I wanted to talk about. Wasn't that Jessica's complaint? I needed to stop allowing her to distract me.
"Something you said to Jessica," I tried to keep my voice casual, but failed. "Well it bothered me."
The smile left her face. She looked like she was bracing for an onslaught. It reminded me of last night–how her reaction was to stand her ground and fight back.
This was what I wanted, wasn't it? I wanted her to protect herself against me. Right? I had managed to scare her last night and made her cry. I could feel my whole being betraying what I knew would be the right thing to do. I knew the words. I knew I could be cruel. I should be cruel. It was the right thing to do.
I was weak. I was unable to utter the words. I felt guilty. Absolute dread and a feeling of being torn apart only receded when I began to consider how I might rectify Bella's expression. I felt entirely conflicted. How could I be her friend when I knew she would eventually walk away? The sooner this ended the better for her sake? Right? Except I couldn't bear to cause her even the slightest amount of pain.
"I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers," she retorted harshly.
Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, immediately came to mind distracting me from my musings. Her being in this defensive position wasn't going to help the conversation. As much as I knew I should push her away, I couldn't. I wanted to understand, explain, and clarify. I realized with utter clarity that everything within me but my moral reasoning wanted to be her friend. That made things exceedingly dangerous. It was bad enough that I had agreed to go along with her plans of friendship, or even that I had been willing. I wanted to stop wanting to be her friend, but for all my strength I seemed unable. It would be so easy to take what I wanted. There was so little stopping me. Except all the things I wanted to take were bad for Bella. I had the monster caged. I would cage this wanting just like I would cage the wanting of her body.
"I warned you I would be listening," I found myself reminding her gently as if this new part of me continued without my consent.
There seemed to be little I could do about wanting to be her friend anymore than I could do about my jealousy, attraction, or affection. The list of things out of my control regarding my own behaviour seemed ridiculous at this point. I resigned myself to this new development and decided to press the issue that had started the need for this conversation. She knew about something that no human was allowed to know. Truth came at a cost.
You said yes to me, remember? I mentally asked her despite knowing that she wouldn't hear my question.
"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking," she retorted.
Ah. What a sweet sensation. I was right. I hadn't been right in so long. Her statements to Jessica were connected to our conversation this morning and when my words had resulted in her tears. Was she defending her yes? I could not discern the answer. It didn't seem to matter. As odd as it was for me, nothing else seemed to matter except the creature sitting across from me and setting things straight.
"You did," I replied all irritation removed. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you are thinking–everything. I just wish …" Truth, I reminded myself. This would only be cleared up with truth. " … that you wouldn't be thinking some things."
Because even if the selfish self-centred attraction within me wanted nothing else than to hold you, Bella, in my arms and have your lips on mine, the honourable part of me wanted what was best for you. Bella having a normal healthy long human life was now a fundamental aspect of my being. Nevertheless, I wished that she hadn't said yes, not for my sake, not because there was a part of me that was pulled towards her, but for her sake.
"That's quite a distinction," she grumbled, scowling at me.
Yes, but Bella, I don't want to rehash the wisdom of your yes. You have said yes for now. I have decided to respect your choice in full expectation that one day you will see the cost of your yes, and will change your mind. And especially then, I will respect your choice.
"But that's not really the point at the moment," I said attempting to be gentle.
No. We were going to leave that conversation alone. She cried once about it. I wasn't going to make it twice. Her tears seemed to be my undoing last time and I couldn't have that repeated anytime soon. I was already too unstable as it was.
"Then what is?" she asked with confusion coating her tone.
She leaned toward me, her right hand cupped around her throat. It drew my eye–distracting me. How soft her skin must feel … her blood flowing so clearly through her nearly translucent skin …
Focus, I commanded myself. I was glad to move away from topics that might cause tears.
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I finally asked softly.
Even as I said the question it sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.
Her eyes were wide and slightly unfocused, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.
"You're doing it again," she muttered.
I paused. What had I done? She was the one drawing me in causing me to lose focus, creating all these changes within me.
"What?" I asked unable to understand what she was talking about.
Then I waited. I lightly checked in with my surroundings scanning the thoughts broadly and making sure I didn't accidently focus too much on one voice. I picked up nothing to cause concern.
"Dazzling me," she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.
Hmm. I wasn't sure what to do about that. I hadn't been trying to dazzle her. I was thrilled that I could dazzle her, but I wasn't sure about the fact that she stopped breathing. It wasn't helping the progressing of the conversation that was for sure. I wasn't even sure what I did to dazzle her. That would be problematic.
I began to imagine the teasing from Emmett and Jasper, the snarls and eye rolling from Rosalie, and the smug look from Alice. I might never live this down.
"Oh," I replied like an idiot because I really didn't know what to say that wouldn't cause me to be the bunt of teasing for decades to come.
I tried to figure out how I could stop accidently dazzling her or, it seemed, every woman I talked to.
"It's not your fault." She sighed. "You can't help it."
I really wished she hadn't said that within hearing distance of my brothers. They were going to be horrible to live with.
She had said the same thing at dinner I realized. It interested me that she knew that I couldn't help it before I did. I was effecting human females in ways that I didn't mean to and now I was dazzling Bella when I hadn't intended. This seemed highly risky. But this wasn't the topic at hand. Again she had managed to sidetrack the conversation–this time without even meaning to.
"Are you going to answer the question?" I asked trying to keep the irritation I felt out of my tone.
I mean, how many times had she diverted the conversation? Clarifying this misunderstanding was really the point to us sitting here. Being a gentleman was too much ingrained not to follow through.
She looked at the table. "Yes."
I waited for her to say more. Nothing. Instead she was studying the intricate pattern of the table.
"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" I asked impatiently.
I felt a gaze on me that told me that my siblings were paying close attention to our conversation. Just great. I really should have seen this coming. Why did I decide to do this here again? Oh, right. Because I didn't want to accidently murder Bella in my car. I was already going to pay enough tonight for my confession. In comparison, what was the cost of revealing my growing pull towards Bella? It certainly couldn't make things worse. That sounded good enough until I imagined Rosalie.
"Yes, I really think that." Her eyes never left the table. There was a faint undertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to bite her lip.
Tremendous weight came crashing down around me. All thoughts of my family's reactions left me. How wretched I was! Here, this angel, a lady, had tried to express her thoughts regarding me last night prior to me expressing mine. To add insult to injury I had been so stunned, so taken back by her acceptance of me, that I hadn't given her a chance. No, worse. I had shot her down, been upset, and told her not to say that. I had been so consumed with the belief that she would say no that I had stubbornly refused to see the risk she took to convey her confession. I had told myself that I would respect her choice, but even now I was struggling to hear it. Her coming to terms with what I am couldn't contain the all-consuming body-changing experiences I was having, but I couldn't imagine it being done without some emotional turbulence. She must be assured of her choice enough, no matter how temporary it might last, to sit here with me and risk my wrath again.
Once again I had failed to live up to the standards of Carlisle and Esme, only now I was also failing my birth parents. A gentleman should never let the lady risk more. A gentleman should lead, especially as this was concerned. A gentleman should express his thoughts and when appropriate sentiments and then let the lady choose. Sure, my affections, that I didn't know I had until Carlisle had suggested them, were the subtext of my actions and words, but I had not actually conveyed to her my thoughts regarding her. Well, except for when I told her to stay away from me, that I wasn't a good friend to her, and when I had implied that I had rejected her confessions. I had tried so hard to make sure that we would not reach this destination, but we had. Now that we had, I was challenged to see anything but failure. I had failed to keep her from me. And I had failed to be a gentleman. I should not have put her in this position. I had done this all wrong!
Here she sat, beautiful and soft and gentle and warm and trusting and vulnerable. She was nervous. I had given her no reason not to be. Given the risks that she was taking I had to wonder her intentions. Did she want to be more than friends? Was her desire for us to court? With me? With a monster? When she knew I was a monster? I felt as if my world was spinning faster than I could keep up. Just last night I was certain she would reject me. I couldn't make sense of her at all.
Involuntarily my mind began to wonder if could I court her knowing that eventually the reality of my world would send her away? Certainly that wasn't how my birth parents had raised me. You courted a lady for the intention of securing her hand. Last night's vision of her in a white dress came to mind. I squelched it before the accompanying emotions could take me over. This wasn't possible in our case. Where did that leave me? I was uncertain. But I could rectify at least one thing.
"You're wrong," I promised all the irritation and petulance gone from my voice hoping she could hear my tenderness and sincerity.
I watched her carefully trying to discern by all that I had learned about her if she could hear the earnestness in my words.
Bella looked up at me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. "You can't know that." She spoke with assuredness.
She shook her head as if to dislodge something.
I did know that. She had spoken of no greater sentiment than I felt. My statement was, if nothing else, simply a reflection of our different natures. The gentleman in me hoped that my behaviour yesterday hadn't caused such irreparable damage that she would refuse to believe me. She seemed utterly convinced of her belief. I was uncertain of how to convince her that I was being honest now, given that I had lied to her previously. A secondary issue came to mind in terms of convincing her. Last night she had spoken truth, but I had been unable to hear her. Would she be unable to hear me?
"What makes you think so?" I asked hoping to understand what might be holding her to her conviction in order to convince her of the reality of things.
She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lip. For the millionth time, I desperately wished that I could just hear her.
I was about to beg her to tell me what thoughts she was struggling with, but she held up one finger.
"Let me think," she insisted.
I could wait. Attempting to be patient was irritating, but if it got me the answers I wanted … I attempted to still my own thoughts. As I wanted to make sure I heard her this time, I watched her and listened to her carefully. My sensibilities had been offended and rectifying that was the point of the conversation after all.
She pressed her hand together, twinning and untwining her slender fingers. She stared at her hands as if they belonged to someone else. Her face scrunched and creased while her heart and breathing remained steady.
"Well, aside from the obvious, sometimes," she murmured and paused. "I can't be sure–I don't know how to read minds–but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." She didn't look up.
I was stunned. She'd caught that had she? I could almost feel my siblings' minds turning. They would wonder if she had noticed that, what else had she noticed? I already knew the answer. She noticed everything, but she often responded to what she saw opposite to what was sensible and safe.
She was right of course. That was what I had been trying to do from the moment that jealousy and attraction had made themselves apparent. It had been my weakness, my inability to walk away, my inability to resist the pull towards her that kept me from doing the right thing. It was my arrogance that was the undoing, just as it had been before I left Carlisle and Esme, only this time I was pulling an angel down with me.
This time, though, I had consulted Carlisle and Esme. They had chided me for believing I had it all figured out and reminded me to give her choice. I began to wonder if I could trust Esme's and Carlisle's judgement, but I stopped myself. I knew that they had my best interests at heart. Would they have Bella's? But that was a question for another day. I had been trying to honour their wisdom, and be a gentleman. But ultimately I wouldn't have needed their advice if only I had been stronger and been able to walk away.
"Perceptive," I breathed without thinking through what I was saying. Then I watched in dismay as pain twisted up her expression. I hurried to explain myself. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though–" I began, and then I paused, the first words of her explanation taking centre stage in my brain now. They bothered me. I needed to first fully understand what she was trying to communicate. "What do you mean 'the obvious'?"
"Well, look at me," she said.
I was looking. All I ever did was look at her. She was the most amazing, incredible, beautiful, confounding creature I had ever met. What was she talking about? I was confused again.
"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point it wasn't worth spelling out.
Did she not know that these looks were a part of the lure to draw in prey? They weren't something to admire. They were a part of the monster that I had to fight just to be with her. Her in all her humanness was far more beautiful and superior to me in everyway. I was irritated, but then I realised that I had never told her these things. How could she of known? Once again I had failed.
I was dead right about her not seeing herself properly. Poems have been written in an attempt to capture the essence of beauty, but even those wouldn't do her justice. No, she was the opposite of ordinary and she had no idea. Just as those thoughts went through my head I began to analyse if my reaction was attraction, affection, a combination of the two, or something more. I hoped to all that was holy that this wasn't something more. Out of necessity I focused on something else.
"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I stated solemnly. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things …" I laughed humourlessly. My role in her fated doom was not comical. The clumsiness, however, was so sort of funny. Enduring almost. I wondered if she would believe me if I told her how I saw her. I doubted it. Perhaps some other evidence … "But you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."
It pleased me to think about the thoughts of her male peers that had been full of hope and eagerness and then the look on her face as they were expressed because she wanted none of them. I knew the pleasure I took from this stemmed from my jealousy and the perverted desire I contained to take her as mine. Against all that is good for her I was the one she said yes to. I knew it was wrong of me to find pleasure in her nos to them and yeses to me. She was going about it all backwards. Despite the fact that I knew my sentiments were wrong I simply could not stop them.
She blinked all expression gone from her face. "I don't believe it …" she mumbled.
Of course she didn't. She didn't see herself clearly. I added this assuredly to my list of her qualities.
"Trust me just this once–you are the opposite of ordinary," I stated confidently.
You trusted me with your life. Now trust me with this. You have managed to change me so inexplicitly without even intending to. My sister who never before expressed an interest in a human friend considers you her best friend. You couldn't possibly be ordinary.
Bella obviously wasn't used to compliments, as the strong flush that filled her neck and cheeks gave away her embarrassment. I added that to the list of her qualities.
She changed the subject. "But I'm not saying goodbye."
No, because you don't see me clearly yet. You don't know my world. You refuse to believe me when I say that I'm dangerous. You have decided that it doesn't matter, and that it's too late. I, on the other hand, have lived in this shadow land for over eight decades and see the cost of my world. One day, my angel, you will too. I'm counting on it to save you from me.
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it …" Could I ever be strong enough, unselfish enough to do the right thing by her? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved her life–an ordinary long healthy human life. I would save her from Alice's vision. "… If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
I hoped of all the things I had said that my siblings heard this statement. I had done my upmost to keep her from our truth while keeping her alive. I had failed my family, but I hoped my siblings could hear my intentions even if those same intentions did nothing to reduce the risk I had now exposed to us all.
The reality, Bella, is that when you leave it will be out of self-preservation. Me leaving would be the greatest act of selfishness that I could ever accomplish. As I had spoken the words I attempted to will them to be true.
As I watched her, she glared at me. Not only was she not afraid, but she glared at me, the world greatest predator, knowing what I am and that I had wanted to kill her when I first encountered her. She was astounding. I recognized in the midst of my awe that somehow my words had angered her.
"And you don't think I would do the same?" she asked her voice full of resentment.
Oh, I could see the possibility. As selfless as Bella was, as much as she felt responsible for others. Certainly she had to potential, but she was missing the point. She was not the one at risk of killing. She was at risk of being killed. She was the lamb. I was the lion. She didn't have the monster inside waiting watching just for one second of weakness to take another's life. She didn't have to keep me safe from her nature.
"You'd never have to make the choice," I said honestly.
Nick's face flashed in front of me. Look at what me staying, at wanting to have human friends, had cost him. The chasm between Bella and I filled me with darkness and heaviness.
She stared at me, concern replacing the anguish in her eyes and brought a little pucker between them. Had my statement made her sad? Why would her never having to make the choice concern her? I didn't know. I could only hope that my message had gotten through to Bella. I had set the record strait. I could go back to teasing.
"Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence," I stated lightly.
Because, Bella, even though I know I should walk away I simply can't.
I watched her carefully. My teasing seemed to ease her concern and brighten her features. I wondered if my indirect expression of my inability to leave her pleased her. It shouldn't, but knowing Bella it just might.
She smiled, too. "No one has tried to do away with me today," she said lightly, as if she were teasing back, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.
I tried to figure out what that look was all about. I had no good guesses.
"Yet," I added dryly. With her luck … I purposefully stopped my brain from going back to the list of all the ways she could die. I wouldn't think about that. It only increased emotions that had led us to here, and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.
"Yet," she agreed to my surprise.
I had expected her to deny any need for protection. She had denied any help I had offered thus far.
Rosalie's usual grumbling mental tone suddenly became a piercing mental shriek breaking through. How could you? You self-centred egotistical jackass! You're supposed to be staying away from the girl not spend lunch with her and definitely NOT hanging out with her! Haven't you done enough damage?! Do you not remember what happened the last time you made friends with a human? We just got here. I don't want to move. I like it here. Could you really live with yourself if another human lost their life due to your selfishness?
I internally cringed. Rosalie was right on all points. I wished that I was strong enough to leave. Until I was, I had promised myself that I would keep Bella safe. She would not be Nick. I smiled at the memory of making Esme proud. This was the one redeeming part of my weakness–saving someone instead of taking a life. Either my family stayed and I left, which they had asked me not to do at our last family conference, or we all left, which Rosalie was firmly against. Either choice was unfavourable, but both made irrelevant by my weakness.
"Easy, Rose," I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm was around her shoulders, holding her tight into his side–restraining her.
Not surprisingly once Rosalie's mental voice had invaded the rest of my siblings were also.
Seriously, bro. Not cool. I can't hold off Rose forever.
Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily. I thought about taking her home before she heard, but that turned out worse. Trust me on that.
I winced at the mental picture that followed, me explaining everything at home, Rosalie rushing at me enraged and then the destruction to our home that resulted as I attempted to protect myself without hurting her.
Jasper looked worried as if the full emotional ramification to Rosalie of my inability to leave Bella had just hit him. His thoughts were attempting to find a solution to the possibility of Bella's increased contact with me and Alice that minimized the risks without upsetting Alice. He determined that both me leaving and Alice not getting her best friend would hurt Alice, so he was hesitant to seriously consider either option. Bella was human and we were not. The possibilities were limited.
I knew that I would have to face them after school. It had already been inevitable. I just hoped the other part–the part where Bella knew what we were–would fair better if it was just one pill they'd have to swallow instead of two. I was nervous about it, but I pushed it out of my mind. I focused on Bella and with some effort purposefully sent my siblings' thoughts into the background. Alice's thoughts had reminded me of something else I needed to talk to Bella about.
"I have another question for you."
Bella looked hesitant, weary even, but open. "Shoot," she said, smiling.
I thought about wording, how to present my request so that a hint would be enough for Bella to catch my meaning.
"Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to get out of saying no to all your admires?" Well, the ones with enough courage to ask.
She grimaced.
I wondered what she was remembering. After careful consideration I decided that her grimace might reflect her irritation with me regarding my part in Tyler asking her out.
"You know, I haven't forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet. It's your fault that he's deluded himself into thinking I'm going to prom with him."
I was right. I worked at suppressing the laugh that the memory threatened and the release I felt at being right. It seemed that I was so rarely right anymore. Instead I turned my voice serious.
"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me–I just really wanted to watch your face."
I laughed now, unable to contain myself anymore, remembering her aghast expression. Nothing about my non-humanness had ever caused her to look so horrified. My truths hadn't frightened her. Well, the ones she knew about at least. There were so many more. Her screams were inevitable. But that wasn't today. And in this moment I decided to enjoy her frown.
"If I'd asked you, would you have turned me down?" I asked teasingly the question much more serious than my tone.
I listened to her heartbeat and her breathing, as I'd grown accustomed to doing while I waited for her human brain. I was beginning to grow accustomed to it. It was like taking a stroll on the beach. Enjoying the moments. Maybe this is what Jasper meant by Just enjoy it. It was sometimes irritating to go so slow, but there was also a calming element to it.
"Probably not," she said hesitantly drawing me out of my head. "But I would have cancelled later–faked an illness or a sprained ankle."
How strange. I tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for her response.
"Why would you do that?" I finally decided to ask.
She shook her head, as if she was disappointed that she had to explain. "You've never seen me in gym, I guess, but I would have thought you would understand."
Understood … Understood? My brain quickly searched through all that I knew about Bella to attempt to correctly guess to what she was referring.
"Are you referring to the fact that you can't walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to trip over?"
I waited slightly nervous and excited to see if I had guessed right.
"Obviously," she retorted snidely.
Me being right twice in a row pleased me. I wanted to smile. As I recounted images of her clumsiness, I realized that I found it cute. I thought of telling her so, but thought better at it. She would probably conclude that I was jesting at her, which would cause her embarrassment. Instead, I focused on the fact that she had said yes to me again. I was filled with that feeling of buoyancy and giddiness again. Why the idea of taking Bella to such a human ritual pleased me so much was beyond me.
"That wouldn't be a problem. It's all in the leading," I explained my jubilance coming through slightly in my words.
I could not expel the images of her dressed in a gown. The images brought forth faint human memories of social events that I had attended grudgingly. For a brief second I was filled with the image of holding Bella in my arms where she would surely wear something pretty and delicate rather than this hideous sweater that was helping me keep my mind off wanting to do things I shouldn't.
With perfect clarity, I remembered how her body had felt under mine after I'd thrown her out of the way of the oncoming van. Stronger than the panic or the desperation or the chagrin, I could remember that sensation. She'd been so warm and soft, fitting easily into my own stone shape …
I wrenched myself back from the memory. Thank goodness for that awful sweater or I would have never been able to concentrate.
"But you never told me–" I said quickly in order to prevent her from arguing about her clumsiness, "are you resolved on going to Seattle, or do you mind if we do something different?"
There was, of course, the chance in my question that she would decline to spend time with me, to take back her yes. The choice must be hers. The choice to spend time with me. The choice of what to do. My selfish desire to spend the day with her reminded me of my wanting to be her friend. It was if nothing held me from craving more of her. I wished that I knew some way to stop it from betraying what I knew what right.
Alice had said that the sun would be shining on Saturday. That limited my options and by default Bella's, assuming she still wanted to spend the day with me. I pondered if I could show her the real me. Was I brave enough to risk rejection to watch the horror and disgust roll over her face, and then to have her to run away screaming. I knew just the place to take such a risk …
"I'm open to alternatives," Bella said. "But I do have a favour to ask."
A qualified yes. She was a sly minks. Other than saying yes to what I am, she had rarely given without getting something back, and usually she got more than she gave. What would it be this time?
"What?" I asked tentively.
Then I waited, breathing in and out, feeling the burn her scent gave me and counting her heartbeats.
"Can I drive?" she asked with the slightest hesitancy in her voice.
Was this her idea of humour? Her car was slower than I could walk. I immediately went to say no, but then I remembered that I was trying to be a different kind of Edward. I would try to be more like Carlisle and collect all the data before making a decision.
"Why?" I asked trying to keep my tone pleasant.
Then I went back to waiting and listening and breathing attempting patience.
"Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn't lie, but I don't think her will ask again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because your driving frightens me."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously? I considered all the things she should be frightened about.
"Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving."
Truly, her mind worked backwards. Getting into a car with me full of homicidal rage–fine. Me driving slowly with the lights on terrified her. I shook my head confounded.
Edward! I heard Alice call, the urgency of the tone breaking through the background buzz.
Suddenly I was within one of Alice's visions starring at a bright circle of sunlight. It was a place I knew well, the place I'd just considered taking Bella–a little meadow where no one ever went but myself. A quiet, pretty place where I could count on being alone–far enough from any trail or human habitation that even my mind could have peace and quiet.
Edward, it's the same place. Alice's mind contained a level of horror of fear that I had never previously experienced from Alice. It was like nails on a chalkboard. Something that was impossible to ignore. Simultaneously, I was confused. Her mental tone did not match what I was seeing. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, the same place?
She must have seen my almost negligible reaction and knew that she now had my attention. She then started flipping through past visions that involved me. It was clear that she had tried to see all eventualities following each possible future until they had become foggy. Her care and attention for my well-being was staggering. In one possible future, I was in the meadow and I wasn't alone. It was clear–Bella was with me. So I was brave enough. Bella was there staring at me, her eyes fathomless.
And then I saw it.
Edward! Alice protested shrilly. I love her, Edward!
No. I refused it to be true. It hadn't been true for over seven weeks now. Alice was seeing possibilities, not eventualities. Just like the vision of her and Bella running together or all the other ones that ended badly for Bella, I would make sure that this one also was not true. I would beat it. I had been so consumed with that Alice had shared that my brain had not registered anything else. I was grateful for that fact, at least. I pushed Alice's possible future out of my mind, and sent Alice's thoughts back into the background.
Not even a half of second had passed. Bella was looking curiously at my face, waiting for me to approve her request. Had she seen the flash of dread or was it too quick for her?
I focused on her, on our unfinished conversation, finding calm again in her rhythms and eyes. I wasn't able to keep up the playful tone of our banter, though.
"Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?" I asked, darkness seeping into my voice.
Perchance I should change our plans? Perhaps cancel? No, I commanded myself. Alice isn't omnipotent. It was an old vision, invalid now. Things have changed. I demanded that what she had shown me be still. Entertaining doubts in my own self-control would not be helpful.
"With Charlie, less is always more," Bella said, certain of this. "Where are we going anyway?"
Given Bella's curiosity, I could see where this conversation was likely headed and I knew my siblings, Alice excluded, would not be happy. This was not the most appropriate place for them to find out, although it would contain Rosalie. I didn't want to do that to them, but what were my options? Bella was too curious and although she was mindful about humans overhearing, she didn't know about my siblings. Every option I chose, unless I stood up and excused myself, would reach the same result. I considered the option of leaving, but once again I was weak. No matter the location, they would have found out in a few hours anyway. Resigned to what lay before me I continued.
"The weather will be nice," I said slowly fighting the mental tones of panic and dread attempting to make themselves heard within me. "So I'll be staying out of the public eye … and you can stay with me, if you'd like to."
I had to consciously work at holding their thoughts at bay. I had chosen my words carefully hoping that Bella would play along.
Bella caught the significance at once, just as I had suspected she would. Her eyes were bright and eager. "And you'll show me what you meant, about the sun?"
And with that everything went crashing down as I had expected they would. At once I heard Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper screaming for me to hear them. Rosalie was cursing me. Without looking away from Bella I knew Emmett would be holding her down, just by the rage the words contained. Emmett was certain that I had officially lost my mind and was wondering what Carlisle would do when he found out. Jasper was planning how to eliminate the risk and then ruling them out one by one as he realised that each one would upset Alice. My head felt like bees in a jam jar furious to be let out.
Bella knowing that I didn't eat they could mark down to her being observant. Her knowing that I had a peculiar reaction to the sun meant I hadn't lied. I had broken the most carnal rule of our kind. I had betrayed what it meant to be a Cullen. Except that I hadn't. Ephraim Black's descendant had. They just didn't know that yet.
"Yes," I answered tersely. This weekend would be the best time to show her. Let her run now while things between us were still new and leaving would be easier. I forced a smile. She hadn't liked the last time I expected her no, I doubted she'd appreciate it now. "But …" she hadn't said yes. "If you don't want to be … alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in city that size."
Her lips pressed together; she was offended. Of course, she didn't like appearing weak. "Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle–just in population. In physical size–"
I just wasn't about to admit with my siblings listening that I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety of it. Blaming her rather than admitting my inability to control my body publically was a cowardly thing to do. It was very ungentlemanly. I internally cringed at how disappointed both my mother and Esme would have been if they could have seen this moment.
"But apparently you number wasn't up in Phoenix. So I'd rather you stayed near me." For my sanity and your safety.
I might just very well go insane if something happened to Bella. Forever would not be long enough for me to get my fill of her. I immediately flogged myself for that thought. I shouldn't think that way. No. I simply needed to appreciate each second I had until her no. Each second counted more than they ever had before she came into my life; each second changed her while I remained untouched.
"As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you."
I ran through all the reasons there was something terribly wrong with that statement.
"I know," I sighed as Alice's vision reared its head again. Some incentive to have her home in one piece would be good. "You should tell Charlie, though." I tried to force the image of Bella dead in the meadow back into the box that I'd placed it.
"Why in the world would I do that?"
I glared at her. Because I'm dangerous. She knew and didn't care. Because I might kill you. She knew but decided that it didn't matter. I was failing to return the swirling sickening visions running through my head to their box. What else could I say to convince her that being with me was bad for her health?
"To give me some small incentive to bring you back," I hissed.
It was the least she could do–to give me one witness to compel me to be cautious, to remind me of the price not just I, but my family, would pay if I failed. Why had Alice forced this knowledge on me now? I had been in such a good mood.
Bella swallowed loudly, and stared at me for a long moment as if she sure I had whatever answer she was searching for.
"I think I'll take my chances," she decided.
Ugh! What was wrong with her? What did she see while she looked at me that would of resulted in that decision? Obviously not the killer I was. Maybe she still saw the hero she had first envisioned? I liked that she might, but discouraged myself from seeing myself in that way as it put her at too much risk. The burn in my throat should have been enough of a reminder that I was the villain.
I scowled at Alice, who met my glare with a warning glance. I didn't like being on this end of Alice. I preferred it better when we were a team. Beside her, Rosalie was still seething. I just hoped Alice's vision of our home being destroyed didn't come true for two reasons. One, I would hate to see Esme upset. Two, it would prove my point–Alice's visions weren't set. I wasn't sure how I would do it, but I would manage to talk to my family tonight without Rosalie flinging herself at me enraged. If I could beat this one, I could beat the one in the meadow, then I could beat the one that had Bella with bright red eyes. I'd already beat the vision of Bella dead on her first day.
"Let's talk about something else," Bella suggested.
The part of me that wanted to be the hero to have something good to show for my life wanted to speak the words that would allow Bella to see the truth of the situation. My attempts to dissuade her had only left her in tears and me angry. She held the power to keep me or send me away. I was too weak. That was really the problem.
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked hesitantly.
Her eyes darted to the left, and then to the right as if to check that there were no eavesdroppers. She must be planning to ask another question that she wasn't able to last night. This might not be good. My siblings were already on edge. Her eyes froze as if caught by something and her body stiffened momentarily. And then she looked back at me.
"Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend … to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike, because of bears."
I stared at her raising an eyebrow. Come on Bella. You're a smart girl. I'm already in enough hot water. I can't give this to you.
I watched her facial expressions as if they were a window into her mind.
"Bears?" she gasped.
I smiled wryly, watching that sink in. I would explain it all to them later although for the time being the tension in my head might get worse. It was a small price to pay if it knocked some sense into Bella.
She pulled her expression together. "You know, bears are not in season," she said severely narrowing her eyes.
"If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons."
I was watching her very carefully. First she looked like she might be slightly confused, but then the reality of me hunting seemed to penetrate. I expected horror even terror next, instead her face consorted into shock and her mouth fell open. Wrong response again, Bella. You respond backward. You respond not to the blood, but the animal? What did you imagine when you told me last night that we drink animal blood?
"Bears?" she managed out tentatively.
Maybe this was my chance to make the picture clearer. To help her understand that I am a monster first. That I am dangerous to her. That she should be terrified.
"Grizzly is Emmett's favourite."
I watched her face, particularly her eyes to make sure this was penetrating that thick backwards brain of hers. She seemed to purposefully take her eyes off me and look down at her food.
"Hmm," she murmured.
She took a bite of pizza. She chewed thoughtfully and then took a drink. I hoped, since she was prohibiting me from gazing into her eyes, that she was taking time to process this information.
"So," she said, finally looking up. Yes? I waited for the disgust. "What's you're favourite?"
Knowing Bella I probably should have seen that coming. Just like last night her reaction was the opposite of what it should be. She did keep things interesting, at the least. And I wasn't yelling at her, so maybe that was something. In for a penny in for I pound I guess.
"Mountain lion," I answered brusquely.
I monitored her closely waiting for the running to being.
"Ah," she said in a neutral tone and looked towards her soda. Her heartbeat was as steady as if we were discussing her favourite restaurant.
Fine then. If she wanted to act like this was nothing unusual …
"Of course, we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting." I told her, my voice detached and clinical. "We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators–ranging as far away as we need. There's always plenty of deer and elk here, and they'll do, but where's the fun in that?"
She listened with a politely interested expression as if I were a teacher giving a lecture. I had to smile.
"Where indeed," she murmured calmly, taking another bike of pizza.
Maybe if I went a bit further the terror and horror would sink in.
"Early spring is Emmett's favourite bear season–they're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable."
Seventy years later, and he still hadn't gotten over losing that first match.
At that the general shock of my siblings became something else–a mental resonance of betrayal–and penetrated my consciousness. That I hadn't expected. I expected them to be mad and to scream at me. I was prepared for that, but this was something else. This was dumbfounded silence with being absolutely appalled. I wished I could go over there right now and explain, but I couldn't. I just hoped they could understand things better once I did. I could understand if what they saw right now was nothing less than their death sentence. I hoped they knew that I loved them too much to tell Bella our secrets. Even from Alice, though, I could even feel her disapproving tenor. Maybe I had stepped too far.
"Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear," Bella agreed nodding solemnly.
Bella's statement caused me to chuckle despite myself. I hoped my siblings didn't believe I was directing it at them. I shook her head at her illogical calm. It had to be a show.
"Tell me what you're really thinking, please."
I tried to imagine what was going on inside her skull as if I could read her thoughts.
"I'm trying to picture it but I can't," she admitted, the crease appearing between her eyes. "How do you hunt a bear without weapons?"
Silly, Bella. You really don't see me clearly. I've been trying to get through to you. "Oh, we have weapons." Then I flashed her a wide threatening smile.
I expected her to recoil, but her heat and breathing remained steady. Her body did twinge a little, like she wanted to shiver, but stopped herself. It was too slight even for my eyes to know for sure. I hoped she was afraid. She needed to be afraid.
"Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you've ever seen a bear attack on television, so should be able to visualize Emmett hunting," I explained.
She glanced toward the table where my siblings sat, and shuttered.
Finally. Despite the irony, it amused me that although she didn't find me frightening, she did Emmett. He was larger and burlier than I or even Jasper for sure, and he was stronger than anyone else in the family. But he was not by far the most dangerous in our group. That honour belonged to Jasper. And I had lost my touch, so maybe that put me as low on the totem pole as Carlisle. It didn't sound so bad put like that even if Emmett would never let me live it down.
As I followed her gaze and looked at my siblings their thoughts were unsettlingly still. Apart from Alice they were all sat in stunned silence almost statuesque. That was understandable, but potentially more of a risk of our exposure than my conversation. I wanted to find some way to shake them out of it, but nothing came to mind. Hopefully Alice would intervene if necessary.
Bella's dark eyes were wide and deep as she stared at me now. "Are you like a bear too?" she asked in an almost-whisper.
I considered her question thoughtfully. No one had ever asked me that.
"More like the lion, or so they tell me," I told her attempting to sound detached again. It was easier for me to talk to her about this detached. "Perhaps our preferences are indicative."
Her lips pulled up a tiny bit at the corners. "Perhaps," she repeated. And then she leaned her head to the side, and curiosity was suddenly clear in her eyes. "Is that something I might get to see?"
I didn't need a vision from Alice to be able to see what would transpire in that option –the horror in my own imagination was more than sufficient.
"Absolutely not," I snarled at her.
At that my siblings were jolted and remembered that they were in the cafeteria at school needing to pretend human. Her question sent them into varying reactions of disbelief, all loud. And with that the discomfort in my head that I had expected arrived.
Bella jerked away from me, her eyes bewildered and frightened.
I leaned back too, wanting to put space between us. I wanted to hope that this sliver of fear would be enough to wake her out of her state and allow her to see me clearly, but I knew not to dare to hope. This was Bella after all. Nothing seemed to allow her to see me clearly. Maybe this Saturday in the sun?
"Too scary for me?" she asked her voice even. Her heart though was still doing double time.
I worked at quieting my siblings' thoughts in my head.
"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," I retorted through my teeth. "You need a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you."
My siblings inner voices were straining to come through as fiercely as I was straining to hold them back.
"Then why?" she demanded, undeterred.
I glared at her blackly, waiting for her to be afraid. I was afraid. I could imagine only too clearly having Bella near when I hunted … I considered answering for my siblings sake. Perhaps they could see for themselves her insanity, but as I glanced over to where I usually sat I realized that they were already on their way to class.
Bella's eyes remained curious, impatient, nothing more. She waited for her answer, not giving in.
"Later," I snapped, and rose to my feet, "We're going to be late."
She looked around disorientated, like she forgot she was at lunch. Like she'd forgotten we were even at school–surprised that we were not alone in some private place. I understood the feeling exactly. It was hard to remember the rest of the world when I was with her. I congratulated myself at doing a better job today than I had at the restaurant.
She got up quickly, bobbling once, and threw her backpack over her shoulder.
"Later, then," she said, and I could see the determination set in; she would hold me to that.