A/N: You are not hallucinating. It is an update.

Red Lotus

Chapter 36: The Prophase

A staring contest.

He never thought it was the kind of situation he would end up in - especially considering the fact that this was not to establish dominance. And yet , there he was staring at his tiny daughter. Of course, she had yet to fully master the skill of keeping her eyes open which meant she blinked a lot more than he did. At the very least, she was not crying and he was quite grateful for that. He was taking advantage of Kagome's nap to try and ease away his worries and confirm his theory regarding the bond. It should not bother him. It should be fine with him that he was missing a connection to Natsuki. After all, she was but a few days old and he was never one to easily bond. Why did it even matter if he bonded with his child or not?

He did not like this.

He should not care. Something like this should not affect his life. He never truly bonded on his own before and it never bothered him in the past. He should walk away and take care of the other aspects of his life. Cleaning the apartment was one of those things. He did not know how such a tiny thing could have exploded their apartment. It felt like if he did not organize everything Kagome would try to do it or her mother might. He was trying to avoid that. Then again, he quickly learned that doing too much might be harmful. Last time, he lead Kagome to believe she was a bad mother when such a thought never even crossed his mind.

Suddenly, there was a creak of the wood, and completely startled he quickly turned around. He was graced with the sight of Kagome leaning against the doorframe, watching him with squinting eyes. Her hair was a mess while her arms were crossed in front of her chest, bundling up the overly large white t-shirt that she was wearing. "Is she okay?" she asked now that her presence had been revealed.

Few people could sneak up on him as she had done. He felt like he was caught in a lie. "Yes."

His words echoed wrong. She knew Sesshomaru quite well b now and she could tell that something was off. Last time, her judgement was clouded by her own negative thoughts and though she had wait to chase them all away from her mind, she could see clearer. She could tell that something was wrong with him and it had nothing to do with her. Beneath all her own pain, all her suffering, there was a sadness growing - right there in the middle of her chest. She was forced to admit that it had nothing to do with her; it was Sesshomaru's pain. His desperation was so strong that it passed through her with the help of their bond. The problem was that she did not know how to approach the situation. Usually she let her emotions get in the way and it made a mess of the situation.

Maybe she could she see if she were able to lead him there without forcing the answers out of him.

She shyly approached him, and once she reached their daughter's crib she wrapped her fingers around the wooden edges. She tried to steal a look at him but he refused to meet her gaze - was it intentional or not? Perhaps he was enthralled by Natsuki. "Is she hungry?" Had she not made her peace with their situation? Had she not just given birth to his child? How was it that it was impossible for her to speak to him? Most of all, why did she need to fix his sadness?

"No."

"She's awake. You can pick her up."

It had not taken Kagome long to realize that their daughter enjoyed receiving attention from both of her parents. If she was awake, she found comfort in the arms of her parents. She actually found it quite intriguing that Sesshomaru was leaving her in her crib, without touching her. After all, he was always picking her up the moment that she stirred from her sleep or whenever she made the smallest sound. Why was this time different from the others? She tried to focus on his body language, hoping that something would give her a cue, but all she saw were his fingers taping alongside the edge. Again, it was hard to read him; was he nervous or was he annoyed. Knowing Sesshomaru, it could be both.

"I do not wish to disturb her."

He wondered if she could hear the lie in his voice. He certainly could. For a moment, he wondered if it was him. Perhaps there was something in his aura that hi daughter did not respond to - or maybe she had less youkai in her than he had originally anticipated. "Can you feel her aura?" The words slipped him before he could even stop them. He had to know; he felt nothing. Nothing pure, nothing strong. And yet, she did not feel human. What could it possibly be?

Kagome paused for a bit, his question startling her. She felt a rise in her blood pressure as nervousness coated her skin. She was never quite talented when it came down to sensing auras. Sensing shard was a skill she had from the very beginning, but auras were different. She could tell if someone was an evil entity but it was the extent of her skills. She had never even thought of figuring out what her daughter was. In her mind there was no doubt that her child was an hanyou. By now that he was asking her this question, she wondered. Could she be anything else but an hanyou? And was that the reason Sesshomaru had such a worried expression painted upon his features?

"I thought she was an hanyou." Of course, she lacked the ears that Inuyasha had but she did not think that the ears were a requirement to be considered as an hanyou. Plus, why would it affect her? It did not matter if her child was hanyou or not. Natsuki could be anything, and it would not make her love her less. She was her flesh and blood, she was her world.

"She is something else."

At least he was not the only one who could not determine the exact origin of her power.

"Is that bad?" Her voice was laced with concern as her eyes examined every inch of her daughter, trying to find something wrong.

He shook his head.

It was not a bad thing but he did want to know. They needed to find out where she fitted in the spectrum so that they could protect her. They could not simply let her display her powers for all to see. Perhaps later on she would develop more traits. He never expected his life to be like this and he never thought that his mate would turn out to be a human. That meant that he never bothered to learn about hanyous and their development. He also was not around Inuyasha when he was nothing but a child. Even when they began talking and being civil to each other, he did not ask him any questions about his childhood. It was none of his concern and he did not find it relevant to inquire.

"Is she supposed to have normal ears?"

God, what did she even mean by normal? Was she calling her daughter human?

Sesshomaru found himself staring at their daughter's rather human looking ears. They were not like Inuyasha and their were not like his own. "I do not have an answer to that."

"Should we call Aiko?" So far, he had appeared to be the one who held the most knowledge regarding the baby. She had no desire to constantly worry about her daughter's safety and well being.

"Perhaps." He did not like depending on someone else when it came down to his own daughter but he did not have much of a choice in this situation.

"Is this why you've been so worried?"

His eyes widened and for a second, he was forced to hold his breath. She had noticed? What happened to him? He used to be the perfect representation of stoic and neutrality. Now, it seemed that he was completely transparent. There was no turning back in time, no returning to the way things were before. This was who he had become. He was someone who was considered about bonding, someone who she could read like an open book.

He might not be saying much with words, but he was saying enough with his silence. It was enough for Kagome to know that she had said the wrong thing. Why had she assumed? Most of all, why had she said it out loud? It was not as though she had insulted him, but… she thought she had been able to guess what was wrong with him. She thought she knew him enough to make the connection. Now, she had to own up to it. "I just- you've been…"

How to say strange without saying it?

For a moment, many thoughts swirled around his head and he wondered if his best option was to walk away from he. He could ignore it, he could leave while these strange feelings grew within his chest. Did that help? Although did he truly need to share so much of himself with her? He was becoming this person that he could not recognize at time. He could go on without her help, he could live without this bond he never required before. And yet, from the moment he stared into those amber eyes he was lost. He pressed his lips together until the color shifted to white. He head been bare in front of her before and she had witnessed sides of him that no one else had ever seen. Why would this be any different?

"I cannot bond with her."

"What?"

She had heard him but somehow the meaning of his words was not processing.

He felt himself grit his teeth. "I cannot bond with her."

Suddenly, she felt like she was being hit by a ton of bricks. All the pieces were coming together, all the confusion cleared up and she finally realized the impact of her words. She had embarrassed him. Although she could hardly understand why he was so affected by this situation. She tried to push aside the rapid beating of her heart; if there was one thing she had learned to accept despite the changes, despite the small touches, it was that Sesshomaru did not feel like others did. To top it all off, their daughter was quite young and it was normal for him to feel as though there was a rift between them. Especially considering how closed off with his feelings he could be. Plus, Kagome had the advantage of breast feeding which helped her get closer to Natsuki.

"Sesshomaru, it's normal."

How could it be?

"Not everyone bonds right away."

Heck, even mothers sometimes struggled to bond with their child. However, she could easily tell that her words did not convince him. There was a shifting in his eyes, an uncertainty in his aura. She needed to do something more concrete.

"Let's try something," she suggested with a smile.

Thinking about his situation, helping him - it all helped her forget about her own fears. If she focused on his, it gave her a bit of freedom from her own personal nightmare. Nevermind the thoughts of him as a good father, nevermind the thoughts of him wishing to be implicated with their daughter. It was thoughts she was not allowed to have.

Instead, she re-focused her attention on the problem at hand. She grabbed Sesshomaru's shoulders and she slowly pushed him away from the crib. She encountered little resistance as she led him to the cherry wooden rocking chair. She pushed down on his broad shoulders and he plopped down on the small square blue cushion. She tried to meet his eyes, oping it might convince him that this was going somewhere. She slowl moved her hands away from his body and then she headed back to the crib. Gently, she retrieved their daughter and secured her in her arms.

"Take off your shirt."

Take off his what? He blinked and then started straight at her.

"Take off your shirt," she repeated. This time, as she said it out loud for the second time, a small blush appeared on her cheeks.

He remained unsure but he respected the quasi order she was giving him and grabbed the hem of his grey sweater. He peeled the fabric away from his body, exposing pale skin. He put the sweater down on the arm of the chair and then he re-focus his attention back to Kagome and Natsuki.

Kagome gently leaned forward and handed Natsuki over to Sesshomaru. "Hold her to your chest." She knew nothing about youkai bonding but she did know that skin to skin contact could be beneficial.

Sesshomaru was holding on to his daughter as thought she was a fragile commodity. It was the first time he did so. Her skin felt cold against his as he put her tummy to his pectoral. His palm felt rather large against her small, soft back and he tried to keep her steady and straight. It took a moment but after a few seconds, he could feel her heartbeat against hi chest. It trembled against his own and it created a strange feeling inside of him. The more time she spent close to him, touching his own skin, the more her heart rate was shifting to beat as the same pace as his.

She was responding to him.

-R-

A sudden creak echoed through the room.

The noise attracted her attention and she tilted her head backwards and found herself staring at a shirtless Sesshomaru. He had been doing that a lot this week. He was not sharing with her if it was working but he kept on doing the skin to skin contact which was leading her to believe that it was indeed working. Every time he walked back into the room without his shirt, she found it unfair; there was not a single flaw on his body. She, on the other hand, was a wreck. She had gained weight during the pregnancy, leading her to have a bit of a belly. Her breasts however nearly looked the same as they did before now that they were engorged with milk. She had nearly forgotten how heavy her chest used to be.

Sesshomaru's nose twitched; the scent in the room was rather strange but he could not pinpoint the emotion hiding beneath it. She was the one who suggested the skin to skin contact. Surely, she could not be upset that he was actually going through with it. He could not say with certainty if it was working but there was always a moment of silence when Natsuki's heartbeat would sync with his. It had never happened to him before and there was a strangeness to having his own heart beating in rhythm with someone's else. She did not need to speak or understand him to be able to reach deep within him and feel him. How could such a thing even be possible?

He silently joined Kagome in the large, messy bed, watching her read her book as though he had not just laid beside her. Recently, their relationship had been turbulent to say the least. Recent events had put a pause on everything that happened between them and now with the birth of their daughter, all emotions had been put aside. Kagome had been quite upset with him - hormones perhaps - and it led to a difficult co-habitation, leaving their relationship strained and the atmosphere tedious. Now, there was finally a sense of calm. Could it be that the birth of their daughter had shifted Kagome's feelings? Had she let go of him now that the truth was reveal to her? Was that even a possibility? He was not a master of emotions and he was not convinced how easily one could let go of their feelings.

Sesshomaru was disrupted from his thoughts when Kagome put down her book. She did not know if it was due to his presence or her embarrassment but her body heat had risen. She grabbed the hem of her sweater and lifted it above her head, discarding it upon the nightstand. It left her wearing a small yellow tank top while her swollen breasts bounced with her actions, her nipples hardening beneath the fabric. Her attention was not on him, causing her to miss the way he was staring at her. His eyes were locked o her frame as though he had spotted a prey. He had noticed the changes in her body during the pregnancy but she had been fragile and now… now it felt much more different.

Finally, she turned to look at him, meeting his eyes. Shame swelled in his chest. "Is she asleep?" She was not trying to intrude on their personal time, but she still wanted to check up on her daughter. What if she was hungry? What if she needed her?

He nodded. "She is asleep."

And silence befell.

And it was strange.

She had almost gotten used to the new beat of their lifestyle. They did not interact alone, they did not spend time completely alone. Now, they were returning to being simply the two of them - despite the new addition to their family - and the things that had been left unsaid and unresolved now weighted heavy. Where were they supposed to pick things up from? Where they had left them? Was there even a point in doing any of it? Would it even fix the problem or solve their current situation? Even if they spoke of it, it would all remain the same - unchanged. It had been proven that Sesshomaru's mind could not be easily changed. He needed time and he needed - experiences. No matter how much it crushed her heart, he would never be what she needed. Physically having Natsuki with them changed things, it offered her a different perspective. She would prefer if everything was nice and calm between them. She wanted to be a good mother who put her child first and that meant the less complicated their relationship was, the better.

She needed to let go of the feelings she had for him. She had more than she was supposed to have, heck, at this point, she had more than most. Was unrequited loe a big deal when she had almost lost her life? She would know love regardless because she had her daughter. She could feel a tremble of her fingers, a shake of her rib cage as all the thoughts invaded her mind, but she knew it was for the best.

"Are you well?"

She nodded. "I'm just warm."

Before she could even take an intake of air, she felt a rather cold hand being pressed to her forehead. Startled, her blue eyes widened. He held it there for a second, his presence lingering on her skin, before removing it. "You do not appear to have a fever." Considering, she had a fever previously, some shreds of concerns remained. Although, that only happened because of the ordeal with their child, and it had nothing to do with her health itself. Their bond was supposed to keep her healthy and strong, it was why they ended up in this arrangement in the first place.

"I'm fine."

He was suddenly very close to her. She was staring right into his amber eyes, his bare strong chest near her. Sesshomaru did not move for a moment, instead he chose to hold her gaze. She tried to find emotions shining in his cold eyes but she could not decipher the feelings behind him. As her chest rose up and down, she suddenly felt a dampness spreading - but it was not between her legs - she was leaking milk. Her cheeks flustered, while his nose twitched since his senses were now alerted by the new scent. His gaze followed down and he watched as her nipples slowly bean to show through the wet patches of her top. Her breasts were showing through the fabric as though she was bare, captivating his attention.

"At least I can do one thing right."

She was hoping that breaking the silence would break some of the tension. Instead, he arched an eyebrow to express his confusion.

"I make a lot of milk."

There was a scent about her - his mate had just given birth to his child, she was showing she was fertile, her breasts were engorge with milk and her hips appeared wider than before. He felt a twitch traveling through his body. They had completed the bond, they have given into it, and now they had completed the full circle. His desire pulsed through him, and blood rushed downwards. It was hard for him to hide his desire but he also had no intention to do so. They had accepted that there would be physical contact between them. Of course, considering how messy it had been lately - they had not done anything. However, he was not like her. He did not wonder, he did not walk on eggshells. He did think that things should not be complicated. This was why emotions created unwanted situations.

Her blood boiled with passion, flaring through her veins as his intense gaze remained upon her form. There was always something about him. It hardly mattered how much distance she put between the two of them; one glance could ignite a fire.

In the past, she had demonstrate her interest towards physical contact. She had not shy away from it but now, despite a few of the signals he was receiving, she remained at bay. She was voluntarily keeping a distance between the two of them. He should perhaps interpret it as a sign that he should remove himself from her person and allow some distance between their bodies. And yet, he stayed. She was emitting a call she did not know she was and he was responding to it. Once he had fully immersed himself in her, he had learned that it would be quite difficult for him to hold himself back. Actually, there was no point to it.

"Do you still desire a physical relationship?"

He did not have to be so blunt about it.

Then again, when had he ever hidden his thoughts from her? Good or bad, he had always subjected her to it. Which in itself, was not the worst thing.

Although, she did not have the first clue on how to answer him. Did she want a physical relationship with him? She did, except she wanted so much more than that. Through her daughter, she was slowly learning how to let go, how to relinquish the reigns and allow herself to have what she had. She was letting go of them, she was letting go of the illusion she had created for herself, the one that had brought her much pain in the past. Had they not already accepted that no matter what happened between them, there would always be a physical aspect to their relationship?

Her lips parted, but no words came out. At some point, she felt his hands move, leaving a trail of warmth as he squeezed her waist. She was tempted to lean in, tempted to let herself forget. She wanted to let go of everything that had been holding her down. She wanted to let go of everything that held her back, both in this relationship and in her life. Could it be so easy? Could it be that for once, her life did not require an insane amount of effort?

She could fall without any risk. This situation would not change. He would be here, she would be here. They were a family now, and if the bond would not have been enough to keep them here, this would. She knew that nothing would change their situation. They would not be the type of parents who were in love with each other but she knew that they would be the type of parents who were willing to die for their child and that was enough. It was enough that he would love their daughter, it was enough that he would always be by her side. Tears were threatening to sting her eyes but she refused to let them. She needed to accept this new reality. A taste of a dream was better than a nightmare.

Kagome leaned forward, their foreheads touching, her clammy skin glueing to his. She could tilt her chin forward, she could press her lips to his, but she was not.

And then, a cry echoed.

And she knew she never would.

"I guess she woke up," she said with a pasty mouth, the dryness of her throat surging to the surface.

"I will go."

"I wanna go."

She needed his body to be further than this from her. She needed to be the one to leave.

She had one more chance, one more moment.

-R-

Night turned into day and day faded into evening.

None of that mattered to the little bundle of joy that Sesshomaru held in his arms. He had tried everything. Kagome had tried everything. None of it was working. They had fed her, they had changed her, they had walked around with her carefully tucked into their arms. It did not matter. Their daughter was refusing to sleep. Of course, Sesshomaru was a little less affected than Kagome when it came down to the lack of sleep but even he was starting to feel the urge to get off his feet for a moment. But he could not. Kagome was the one resting at the moment. She was on the couch, her blinks getting longer and longer as sleep was trying to claim her. Unfortunately for her, it was impossible to sleep with the sounds coming out of their daughter.

He did not think something so small could be so loud.

Natsuki had sent them scrambling. When she kept refusing the breast, Kagome had even turned to the idea of bottle feeding. Her mind had gone directly to the fact that perhaps she was not producing milk anymore, or not enough - or that perhaps their daughter was rejecting it. He obviously knew it was an insane idea, but he went along with her in the preparation of formula milk. As he had expected, their daughter had not wanted that either, which had left them with the option of re-trying the breastfeeding. And she rejected it again.

Sesshomaru had considered seeing the doctor, but Kagome had asked for more time.

He assumed she did not want him to reach out to a doctor because of her insecurities. Despite the fact that he had told her before, she did not seem to believe him when he told her she was a good mother. Then again, his words meant nothing if she did not believe in herself. Regardless, he followed her wishes and put a pause on contacting a doctor. He knew his child's life was not in danger at the moment and though his eardrums were begging for a pause, he knew he had to wait. His daughter's constant crying could possibly be related to the fact that neither of them had experience with a baby. Perhaps this was a completely normal situation. Then again, neither knew enough about hanyou to know what was happening.

"I'll take care." Kagome's shy voice broke him out of his thoughts.

He stared at her while she stood in front of him, her arms stretched out as she was ready to take their daughter from him. He had been rocking her, pacing in the apartment for the pace three hours. At this point, he was almost surprised that none of their neighbours had come to complain. It was a pleasant surprise - he did not think he could have handled such a complaint politely and without his temper slipping him. He could have gone deaf from the things he had heard over the years and until this moment, he had alway been quiet.

He'd like to see them try to complain.

Kagome picked up her precious little bundle from Sesshomaru's arms and pressed her to her chest. She felt hopeless, she felt powerless. Her child needed something and Kagome could not figure out what it was. It was killing her inside.

She slowly walked back to the couch and plopped down on it. Her neck was killing her, her back was aching and her feet were praying for a break. However, she refued to let Sesshomaru do all the work. It led her to this compromise where she could both hold her daughter and sit down at the same time. Since walking around did nothing to help the cries, what would be the harm in sitting down? She let her body be swallowed by the soft fabric of the blanket behind her and she closed her eyes while gently rocking her daughter. She wished she could speak, she wished she could read her mind but none of these options were available to her.

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru joined them in the living room, sitting down on the other end of the couch. It was not as though he could do anything else in this moment. The loudness of the cries would prevent him from focusing on anything. Plus, he had no desire to work or do anything else while his child was screaming for something. It brought upon him a sense of failure that he did not appreciate. He needed to resolve this.

As he leaned into the couch, the distance between him and Kagome leasened, his sensitives ears picked up on a change. She was not crying as loudly. He let one of his silver eyebrow raise in confusion and turned his head to glance at his daughter. She was still fussing, somewhat struggling within Kagome's arms, but the sound was not as piercing as it used to be. What had changed? What had they done differently for her suffering to finally tone down? He leaned in, trying to pick up on another change but all that did was bring the cries down some more.

It was insane, and that could not possibly be the answer to any of the problems but he was going to attempt it regardless. He shifted his position and opened his legs a bit wider before grasping Kagome's shoulders. His actions earned him a gasp but he kept his grip on her. "Trust me," he quietly said over the cries as he shifted Kagome's position. He moved her between his legs and only released his hold on her once she was tucked against his chest, her head resting in the crook of his neck. She remained a bit stiff but slowly, she let herself relax in his hold.

She was not quite certain what brought upon them the shift in position, but if Sesshomaru was initiating such a contact, it had to be for a reason. Although that did very little to slow down her racing heart. It was cuddling, there was no reason why her heartbeat should be echoing inside of her head and yet it was.

The one thing she failed to notice, was the quietness.

"She stopped crying."

Kagome tilted her head backwards even more to look at him, his statement confusing her. Her eyes met his for a brief moment before she realized what he had said. Natsuki was no longer crying - all that was left was silence.

But - but why? All they had done…. All that changed… was that they were all together.

Was this what their daughter wanted?

Sesshomaru threw an arm around Kagome's waist, keeping her more secure and balance against him. He had been right. Their daughter had been seeking both their presences.

And that would have been fine, if it were not for the one element that was throwing him off.

He felt the familiar feeling of a heartbeat syncing with his.

Except this time it was not his daughter's heart…

It was Kagome's.

-R-