37: I've Already Given Up On Myself Twice

You awoke early the next morning facing Patrick. He was asleep in the chair, but his upper half lay on your bed; his hand rested only an inch or two from yours. You saw his hat was slightly askew, rumpling his hair underneath, and you couldn't help but to smile. You reached out and tucked a stray strand of his reddish-blonde hair behind his ear. He mumbled something then opened his eyes. "Good morning," you said as he sat up.

"How are you feeling?"

You smiled. "I'm much better now."

A nurse came in carrying a tray of breakfast food. "Oh good, you're awake. The doctor will be in shortly to see you," she said as she set the tray on the table she'd pulled over your legs.

You scrunched your nose as you lifted a spoonful of grey mush and let it plop back into the bowl. Patrick laughed. "This is absolutely disgusting. Why would anyone eat this?"

"What if it tastes really delicious and you just don't know it?" he asked.

"I don't even know what it is. It just looks like a bowl of grey disgustingness to me."

"Oh don't hurt the food's feelings; I think it's trying to be oatmeal," he joked.

You pushed the bowl towards him. "Well, I think because you love oatmeal so much, you should eat this."

He laughed again. "Not on your life. Besides, who knows when you last ate real food." You just grinned. "What?"

"I missed your laugh," you answered. Before either of you could say anything more, the doctor came in.

"Miss Ridgway, it seems I have some good news for you," he said cheerily. You looked at him expectantly. "You're recovering well. It'll be a while before your stitches on your head can be removed, but your leg made a clean break. You'll be able to get the cast off in a matter of weeks." You hadn't even noticed your left leg was plastered in a cast. "And the best news yet is that you can go home this afternoon. We recommend that you take a few weeks off from work, however. You need to give yourself plenty of time to heal, otherwise your leg might heal incorrectly from too much weight applied for too long. You have to come in two weeks from now to get your stitches changed. If necessary, we'll have further instructions for you then. In the meantime, you'll have to sign some papers and we'll get your prescriptions ready for you. Do you have any questions?" You shook your head. "Great. That's all I have for you right now; call if you need anything." And with that, he left.

"That's great that you get to go home today!" Patrick proclaimed happily.

"Yeah, but I don't know what I'm going to do though. I can't be on my leg for a few weeks."

Patrick looked you in the eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Julie. I'll be there for you whether or not you want me to be.

***

You and Patrick finally reached your apartment and he practically carried you to your bedroom. He made you lie in bed and put a pillow under your broken leg.

"Now," he started, "What do you need?"

"A hug would be nice," you answered. He smiled, sat next to you and pulled you into a warm embrace.

"I'm serious, though. What do you need?" he repeated as he pulled away.

"I'm fine, I promise. I'm not even in pain."

He gave you a skeptical look. "Let me put it to you this way: You haven't physically ingested normal food in days; I'm going to order you some food. Now, either you can choose, or I'm choosing for you."

"Patrick, I swear I'm-" you stopped as your stomach interrupted.

He smirked. "As you were saying?"

You rolled your eyes. "Fine. I guess I could do with some Chinese or something." He smiled then left to call in the order. In those few short minutes, everything came crashing down on you. Reality had reared its ugly head and was glaring you in the face. Your thoughts tore at you, nagged you, until Patrick returned to find you with your head in your hands and tears beginning to fall.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he took his spot next to you.

"This wasn't how things were supposed to be. I messed up and now things will never be the same."

"I don't deny that we took a rather undesirable and circuitous route to get here…" he trailed off when he saw you shaking your head.

"It still shouldn't have happened like this. I should never have hurt you. I should have listened to myself—to you. And I shouldn't have let him-" You took a deep breath, tears stinging in your eyes before they fell. "I always imagined my first time being something special. I always thought that it'd be with a guy who loved me. I always imagined-" you broke short again as your tears overflowed to streams running down your cheeks. Patrick pulled you into him and you cried into his shoulder. "He should have been a gentleman." You dropped your voice lower, "He should have been you." Patrick made no sign that he'd heard you, but held you closer and stroked your hair. You stayed like this until time melted away. It was the buzzer that brought you both back to reality.

"That'll be the food. I'll be back, ok?" he said softly. You nodded and he kissed you gently, his lips barely touching yours, before he left. The once familiar rabid butterflies that usually resided in your stomach had returned and migrated to your chest, taking over where your heart should be.

I was born under a bad sign,

But you saved my life

That night on the roof of your hotel

"Cross my heart and hope to die,

Splinter from the headboard in my eye"

Photo-proofed kisses I remember so well

You had let Patrick choose some movies to watch with you for the remainder of the night. You were almost through with the last of the original Star Wars movies when you started to fall asleep. Patrick noticed and laughed a little. You looked up at him. "What?"

"We'll finish the movie tomorrow."

"No," you protested, "I'm watching it, really." Your words slurred together with exhaustion.

"With your eyes closed and using me as a pillow? I don't think so." He turned off the TV and DVD player. "Do you need anything before you go to sleep?" You fought off a yawn and shook your head. "Alright, I'll be out in the living room then." He kissed your forehead and headed towards the door. You called his name, making him stop in the doorway. He turned to face you.

"Stay with me tonight?" He smiled in response then turned off the light after you turned on your lamp, then returned to his previous spot.

You positioned yourself in his arms and he rubbed his thumb over your bare arm. Your rhythmic breathing matched his as you listened to his heartbeat. "Julie?" he said quietly.

"Hmm?" You were almost asleep.

"You know what you said earlier? About how you wished it had been me?"

"Mmhmm."

"I wish it had been me too."

So he did hear me. You smiled and pulled yourself closer to him. "I love you," you mumbled before falling asleep. Patrick pulled the blanket over your exposed shoulder and kissed you on the forehead.