Why don´t you allow it?

It was already dark when we returned to the house. While Caleb and Connor took care of Cherry, I helped Noel to make the last preparations for dinner. Like almost every evening we had a vegetable stew which Noel completed with fresh mussels. It smelled fantastic and after a lively day in the water, I felt now how hungry I was. As Connor and the boy came from the barn, we all sat at the table and ate, while Caleb excited told his grandfather about the day´s events. He told him in great detail how he and Connor had finally gotten me into the water and really said the sentence, that I wasn´t as strenuous as he had thought I was, what I noticed with gratitude and smirked about it inwardly. At least Caleb wasn´t as bad as I had thought, too. He was cheeky and had a loose tongue, but basically he was a good boy you had to take into your heart. But this good boy protested loudly as he was sent to bed by his grandfather right after the dinner. He was still completely full of vim but pushed off sulking, wished us a good night and disappeared into the adjoining room with Ale. Connor also excused himself after dinner, because he wanted to make a patrol over the coastal street and the surrounding area like he did every evening before he went to sleep. It fulfilled his need to supply safety and so we let him do it.

Noel and I stayed behind alone and I helped the old man with clearing the table and doing the dishes.
"You know, girl", Noel began, when he gave me a bowl for drying. "I´m really glad that you and Connor had the patience to stay here. I´ve met so many who were searching for the Shroud but nobody of these seekers stayed. They were all driven by the greed to hold the Shroud in their hands as soon as possible. But the both of you really seem to have a different motivation."
I put the bowl aside and turned towards the old man. "We want to make sure that it doesn´t get into somebody´s hand who is as greedy as you said. He already did so much to get the Shroud and that´s why we want to stop him."
The old man nodded and gave me another piece of crockery, without saying something about my words. We were silent until our work was done. Just then I stood undetermined in front of the fireplace while Noel stepped outside shortly to empty the dirty water in front of the house.
"Will you really tell us where it is?", I asked, as he came back and Noel smiled mildly.
"Yes. But not too soon. You should go to bed."
I nodded slowly, wished him a good night and left the house. On my way to the barn, I was called back and Noel pushed a small bowl with a red paste inside into my hand.
"Give this to Connor for his scars. I´ve gone today just to find some St. John´s wort. It´s not so easy to find but it eases the skin and he shouldn´t have problems anymore."
"Problems?" I frowned and Noel cocked his head.
"Well he told me just yesterday that his fresh scars are causing trouble. I think the skin is still irritated but the herb should help him. But it would be better..." He shortly lifted a hand before he went back into the house and came back with fresh bandages, he gave me.
"St. John´s wort looses colour terribly and that´s why he should wrap these over it for the night. So the salve can take in better."
Noel patted my shoulder while I nodded slowly and looked down to the salve in my hand. Connor had told me the whole time, that he was only slightly or not in pain. During the last days he had also appeared like everything was alright. But obviously he had been more worried about my damaged hands again instead of his own wounded back. Why was he talking with Noel about it but not with me? Did he want to "spare me" again? I suppressed a snort when I thought about that but because Noel was looking at me slightly confused, I only murmured a "Thank you" and set off to the barn.

As I arrived in the small living room under the roof, I put the salve on the table, laid the bandages aside and sank onto the bed. Unhurriedly I began to open my braid, which had already begun to loosen after the jump into the water. Now my half dry hair was a single mess and so knotted that I uttered a quiet swearword from time to time as I tried to put it in order with a comb. I would definitely have it cut sometime, because it took an eternity to put all lengths reasonably in order before I plaited them to a loose braid over my shoulder again.
I didn´t know how much time had past now, but Connor still wasn´t back and I asked myself, if he had taken so much time during the other evenings, too. But mostly I had been already asleep anyway and also today, I sank back into the pillows with a quiet sigh. Only now it became aware to me, that I was still wearing Connor´s coat whose sleeves I had rolled up for the sake of simplicity. I shortly thought about taking it off, because my shirt was already dry again and opaque, but I snuggled up in it and buried my nose into the collar. The fabric still smelled of Connor. Somehow like the tangy smell of the forest in summer but also like the fresh breeze on sea. Like his home.
But if Connor smells of sea and forest...how am I smelling then?
I screw up my face as I thought of the smell in the city. The smell of many people, heavy perfume that prevented you from breathing, horse dung on the streets, the stench of the harbour...
Disgusting.
I angled for my braid and sniffed at it. But I couldn´t smell anything, maybe except of the salty smell of the sea.
Can you smell your own scent anyway? And does the smell of the own home really stuck on someone?
I uttered a groan and I buried my face into the coat again. If I really smelled of a mixture of perfume, harbour and horse dung, I wasn´t surprised that Connor didn´t let me come closer to him. Maybe I would keep back from myself, too.

A sigh and a look to the door, before I curled up and closed my eyes. I was dead tired and couldn´t stay awake to wait for Connor any longer. Shortly afterwards I was fallen asleep but it didn´t took long until I was woken up by a quiet rattle. Blinking I opened my eyes and was instantly dazzled by the light of the oil lamp which was still burning on the table. Growling quietly I rubbed my hands over my eyes until I could reasonably see clear again. Connor was back and had put his weapons on the table, the rattle that had waken me up. Now the assassin sat at the table and began to unbutton his shirt, what made me close my eyes again. I really didn´t want to stare at him and because he was obviously thinking that I was sleeping, he should keep believing it.

My eyes were closed but my ears perked up, listening to every noise. First there was the rustle of the shirt, as he pushed it over his shoulders, then the quiet scraping of the bowl with the salve, as it was pulled over the table. Then, for some time, nothing until Connor uttered a frustrated noise. Curious I opened my eyes and a smirk flitted across my face. There sat the assassin and tried to rub the salve into his back with the weirdest contortions. But no matter how agile and versatile Connor maybe was, even he couldn´t twist his arms far enough.
"Do you need help?"
His head spun towards me and obviously surprised, he blinked before he shook his head and turned his gaze to the bowl in front of him again.
"It is alright. You can sleep, I did not want to wake you up."
But instead of curling up and sleeping again, I sat up and patted next to me on the mattress. "Come here, I can´t watch that." I gave a crooked smile as Connor looked at me again and I could see the hesitation in his face. But even he had to admit, that he needed help and so he stood up with a sigh, took salve and bandages and sat down next to me on the bed.
Pushing the blanket aside, I crawled behind him, got on my knees and let my gaze wander over the newly healed weal on his back. They were four and alongside each other they reached from his right shoulder blade across his back down to the left hip. Even in the faint light of the lamp I could see that they were standing out red from his bronze coloured skin and the smile on my face faded.
"Why didn´t you tell me that you´re in pain?", I asked quietly after he had given me the bowl with the salve.
"Because you have enough own problems and I do not want to burden you with mine. Furthermore I am not in pain. It is just unpleasant."
Unpleasant. I sighed while I dipped my finger into the cool salve and began to rub it carefully into the first scar. Connor flinched shortly with the touch but relaxed again as I continued without hesitation.

The skin over the former wounds was smooth but the small bumps were clearly sensible and were going to be more scars on Connor´s torso in the future. More parts of his story that would be forever visible as a part of him and I asked myself, if there was anything I could have changed about it. If I could have done anything to prevent that they caught him and did something like that to him. But the answer was No. I couldn´t have done anything and that was exactly what plagued me. Connor always had done everything to protect me and even when he had been wounded and in fever, he had saved me from this disgusting guy. But I couldn´t do anything for him.
I couldn´t raise a blade to protect him in a fight.
I couldn´t threaten anybody to make them staying away from Connor.
I could only treat his wounds when it was already too late.

"Is everything alright?"
The assassin´s voice startled me off my thoughts and blinking I raised my eyes from the scar I had stared at the whole time without treating it.
Pull yourself together!
"Yes, I was just in thought", I murmured and finally attended to the last scar without looking into Connor´s face which he had half turned towards me over his shoulder.
"What did you think about?"
"Nothing important. Just...small matters. What I have to do tomorrow."
"You are a bad liar, Lillian."
I stopped the treatment and raised my head to look at him. Obviously somebody was noticing everything right now. A cheeky grin flitted across my face as I shrugged my shoulders as casually as possible and said: "Lying is a sin. You shouldn´t be good in it."
"So, you never sin?" The corners of his mouth twitched slightly and made my cheeks burn. Luckily he was sitting with the back towards me, otherwise I wouldn´t have the seriousness on my side anymore.
"I´m an angel", I said smugly before I dipped a finger into the salve again and treated the last part of the scar. Connor´s smirk was almost audible but I already thought that he would drop the topic now. But I had barely put the salve aside and began to roll up the bandages when the assassin said with a slightly mocking undertone: "I have already seen you drunk and making rude accusations."
Just you wait!

My eyes narrowed shortly before I leaned a bit forward grinning, wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered into his ear: "But you kissed me anyway."
A mistake.
Every fibre in Connor´s body tensed and his hands laid firmly but not painfully around my wrists and loosened my grip, before he stood up and took a few steps away from the bed. He stopped, leaned against the table and looked at me seriously and with crossed arms.
"Lillian, please do not do that."
"What should I do not?"
He frowned deeply and only shortly, Connor´s gaze slit into the blank before he looked into my eyes again. "You kissed me and I have only returned the kiss, because it should distract the guards. Please do not see anything else in it."
My now trembling lips made a painful acquaintance with my teeth. There it was again. This stab in the heart and I wanted to punish myself for my improvidence at the moment. Why didn´t I expected such a reaction and such words from him? At least he had already said it once and it had already been painful back then. I couldn´t be so stupid and think that something had changed between us just because he hadn´t been so cold during the last days and because my heart had thrown my sense overboard.

"I´m sorry", I murmured huskily and turned my gaze to the bandages in my hands. A tensed silence reigned between us before Connor sighed and came to me again.
"Do you bind me up?", he asked and sat down again as I nodded. With trembling hands, I began to wrap up his torso into the fabric bandages and paid careful attention that I didn´t come closer to him as necessary. Nevertheless there was still one question on the tip of my tongue.
"Why don´t you allow it?"
Connor´s head turned towards me again and I saw the question in his gaze.
"Why don´t you allow it, that someone comes closer to you? That someone touches you, no matter if it´s a handshake or a hug?"
The answer was silence but I was glad that he didn´t leap up immediately and distance himself again although I was already finished with binding him up. He kept sitting. The hands folded in his lap, the lips tensely pinched.
He won´t answer, I thought with resignation and just raised my hands to take back the question but it was Connor who began to speak.
"I do not know", he said calmly and looked thoughtfully to the flickering of the oil lamp. "I just cannot bear it. I always have the feeling that I have to give something back or trust the people and that is what I cannot do so easily. Not everyone I know deserves my trust."
I swallowed heavily when he said that. So I belonged to those who didn´t deserve his trust?
"So you don´t trust me?" My voice was only a timid whisper in face of the lump in my throat. He may had said once that he trusted me, but he had always kept distance to me. The gaze stiffly directed to my hands, I saw from the corners of my eye how Connor sat sideways on the bed now and looked at me.
"What makes you think that? Of course I trust you."
"But nevertheless...you always shy away from me." I raised my head, looked into his eyes and felt how my own filled up with tears. "Every time I think that I´ve come a step closer to you, you take two steps back. Sometimes you allow it but then your expression looks like you bit into a sour apple. I just don´t understand what I´ve done wrong or what´s wrong about me." I uttered a sob as the first tears ran over my cheeks.

Connor sat there like frozen and didn´t seem to know how to react to my sudden emotional outburst.
"You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong about you", he began slowly and turned a bit more into my direction. "I just do not think that it is good for you to come close to me. Since our first meeting, you were always in danger and I want to protect you. I would feel responsible if something happens to you."
"And that´s why you´re so cold? Because you want to protect me?"
He nodded but with hesitation.
"But that I´m in danger has nothing to do with you. My whole life I had to deal with Gardner and his men and surely I would have become endangered without you sooner or later. Besides, it was my decision to accompany you. To the soiree, here and even into prison. All of these have been my decisions and I made them although you turned me away. And if your protection means that you push me away from you over and over again, then I don´t want your protection."
I had spoken so quickly that I had to take a deep breath now. Also to calm my heart again that had fallen into an irregular rhythm. The words just had broken out of me but now I wanted to take back the last sentence, as Connor cocked his head and looked at me questioningly. "Why should you want that?"
What should I answer?
Because I had been stupid enough to fall in love with you even though you had behaved terrible sometimes? Should I say that, just to become reminded of the evening when he had said to me that I had interpreted too much into our time together?
Obviously this was the case. But probably Theresa would say that I should keep my last bit of dignity after I had begun to cry in front of him.
"Because you´re more important to me than my safety", I said diplomatically. Important was neutral. Friends were important just as family and I hoped that his feelings for me were friendly at least.
Connor took a long time to look me over but on the basis of his gaze, I couldn´t say what he was thinking. That I was still crying annoyed me but I straightened up. Preparing inwardly for another rejection. It came but it wasn´t as painful as usually.
"Lillian, I will always want to protect you."
"And that means that you will always take two steps back?"
Connor hesitated until he sighed quietly, rubbed his hand over his face and finally turned his eyes away from me.
"I do not know", he said quietly while I wasn´t sure if this answer was good or bad.