Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Author's Note: Thanks to all of you for the tremendous outpouring of praise and encouragement. I've worked so hard on this story, it's really nice to know that so many of you are getting real enjoyment out of it. Now I hope you'll stick with it through the end, because it's going to take a while to get there. :)
Translator's Notes:
1) Translating military ranks is not always so clean. For example, in the American military rankings, you have Four Star General, which is higher than General, which is in turn greater than both Major General and Commodore General; as unintuitive as that sounds. To keep things simple, I will simply use the generic Japanese rank 'Shosho' (literally 'general'). The term 'shosho' is used for flavor purposes only; don't read too much into it (e.g. do not assume that I'm using a Japanese military ranking system, which would imply that 'Banzo Shosho' would give Tanabi a higher rank than 'Yamamoto Soutaicho', for instance - Tanabi is obviously not higher in rank than Yamamoto).
2) In case you can't figure it out by now, 'oji' means 'uncle'.
Thanks! -njx
Tanabi would have his revenge on all of them. The Kuchiki girl who refused to marry him, her miscreant husband for meddling in the affairs of nobility, and the entire house of Shiba for their failure to fulfill their promise to his daughter. If Banzo Tanabi's pure geneology was going to end with Ichihime, well then he was certain the Houses of Shiba and Kuchiki were not going to continue, either. When that chamber opens to the rest of them, that insufferable Kuchiki Byakuya and the witch Shiba Kuukaku will find the bride and groom lying in a pool of piss and blood.
It's a shame that raping the bride would leave a trail of evidence, he thought.
Savoring his talent, he admired his handiwork. He took great joy in seeing the silly shinigami from the Gotei 13 stuck in the air like a parade of buffoons, completely unaware of the fact that they were sealed in a timestop. He could have plucked the eyelashes off of any of them. Just like he did to that brash idiot, Shiba Kaien, so many years ago for daring to think he could challenge him.
It was no wonder Aizen scrubbed the floor with these idiots. Tanabi had no love for the traitor, if only because Aizen didn't respect Tanabi enough to recruit him. Tanabi would have loved to overthrow them all and go after the new Spirit King.
Tanabi didn't agree to let his father, Banzo Jirobu, pass on his post as Head of the Kido Corps for no reason. Tanabi didn't agree to let his old man disappear from his life - and more importantly, from Ichihime's - because he thought Otousama should be a mere bodyguard in Division Zero. Tanabi only let him go so that he would be eligible to receive the Crown. Instead, it had gone to that old geezer, Kuchiki Ginrei; and Ichihime had been denied an upbringing with her grandfather. Tanabi was still bitter about the way things had worked out - raising a kid by yourself is tough, and Tanabi had always wished his father would have been easily accessible to provide guidance and advice.
He took a moment to survey the crowd, scanning faces for his daughter. He found her standing next to the 9th division captain, Abarai Renji, seemingly engaged in chat with him. Tanabi didn't know much about him; as he had only read the profiles for potential Kido Corps candidates: Ise Nanao, Hinamori Momo, Kotetsu Isane, Kira Izuru. Strictly from his appearance, Tanabi assumed that Abarai did not come from nobility, but he would have to talk about that later with his daughter. At the moment, she looked happy - and for that reason, he would leave Abarai be for the time being. For Ichihime not to be wallowing in misery at a wedding was a truly wonderful thing, and Tanabi did not want to deny her a companion for the evening.
Ichihime had always been difficult, even before she had been jilted. Growing up without a mother had been very, very hard. Tanabi was thankful that Ichihime never blamed herself for her mother's death - that would have been unbearable - but he witnessed history repeat itself: just as he had grown up angry and bitter without a mother, so had she. Unfortunately, Tanabi knew he did not have the same parental qualities that his father had; and unlike Jirobu, Tanabi was not as successful at parenting. As much as Yohana had been the source of so many of his troubles, Tanabi still missed his late wife. Had only she been able to see Ichihime today, with her platinum locks died lavender in honor of her mother, maybe Yohana would not have committed suicide.
As a young man, Tanabi had always wanted to marry Shihoin Yoruichi; the sassy, beautiful princess and adventurous captain who bore the Royal Purple Locks. He had always been disappointed that she had some ridiculuous infatuation with her 3rd Seat, Urahara Kisuke; but Tanabi had not expected her father to humor her interest in a lower-class noble family. When his father Jirobu had asked her father, Tamanaka, to arrange a marriage between the two Houses, Tamanaka had proffered the younger recluse, Yohana. Tanabi was not expecting that, to say the least.
At first, bonding with Yohana had been exceedingly difficult for him. Tanabi was a rugged man, hard-nosed and strong-headed; a man with a granite soul that was required to bear the loss of his mother at a young age. Although she was notably attractive in her own way, Yohana had been a meek, quiet woman; bland and tame with a strong tendency to be melancholy. Her albinism, a syndrome which stripped her of the traditional dark skin and plum hair of the Shihoin family, did not help her self-confidence; and thus she was a fairly weak-hearted woman who tended to wade in her own self-pity. How Shihoin Tamanaka could have thought pairing the two of them was a good idea was beyond Tanabi's imagination, but he would never dare of challenging his elders.
Yohana never had the will nor the stomach to fully satisfy his voracious and demanding needs, emotional or otherwise. Yohana did not care for his rough-and-tumble style in the bedroom, but he was determined to please her; so Tanabi tried to keep things as calm and gentle as he could. The repression drove him absolutely crazy, but he swore to himself he would try to keep himself together. As tempting as it was to seek out a mistress, he stayed faithful; hoping that one day he might gently be able to coax Yohana to try to be a bit more adventurous, although he had never been successful.
Tanabi persisted, over and over, to find ways to make his marriage work - he owed it to his father. Even if he resented the situation slightly, Tanabi would never disrespect his father by not doing everything he could. He gave everything he had to Yohana, but he knew it would never really be enough. She could never fall in love with him, for the simple reason that he could never fall in love with her. As much as he tried, he couldn't. Yohana was simply the wrong woman for him, and Tanabi was the wrong man for her.
Despite this, though, he did care for her; and she for him. Yohana was patient with him, which Tanabi readily acknowledged was not easy. In turn, she appreciated his efforts to make her feel like she wasn't a second-rate bride, no matter how much it was the truth. It was this mutual respect, among other things, that allowed them to get by. It hadn't been optimal by any stretch of the imagination, but they managed. At the very least, they became close friends; which was the best they could have hoped for considering how different they were.
Both of them knew that their parents had loved them dearly and had made the best decisions they could under the circumstances - Four Houses politics were never easy, and marriages had been no exception. If there was one trait where Tanabi and Yohana were perfectly synchronized, it was respect for their parents and their authority. Had it not been for the fact that their fathers arranged the marriage, neither would have tried as hard as they did to make it work. Shihoin Tamanaka and Banzo Jirobu thought they were doing the best for their children, and neither Tanabi nor Yohana had the audacity to spit in their faces by giving up on their marriage.
Tanabi worshipped his father. Jirobu had gone through great troubles for him, bending over backwards to give everything he could to his son. Tanabi's mother, Suzuki, had died when he had been very young, and it had been hard for him. Tanabi had never really been able to form a familial bond with his stepsisters - Kirio's motherly personality had always rubbed him the wrong way; it always felt to him like she was trying to replace his mother - but Otousama had been there for him through everything.
Jirobu, who later became the Head of the Kido Corps after Tsukabishi Tessai vanished, had given Tanabi an outlet; teaching him and training him in the art of kido. Tanabi had always been an angry kid, but his father helped him find productive ways to express himself, using hado and bakudo against inanimate objects to give him a means to vent his bitterness. Tanabi soon became immersed in the arts of kido, and his father helped him put his mother's death behind him.
Tanabi loved his father dearly for it, and Tanabi would have cut out his tongue before ever disparaging his father in any way. He could never dream of telling his father that he had been unsatisfied with his bride. So he made it work. He forced himself not to be unsatisfied. It was the noble and honorable thing to do, and Tanabi felt that if he didn't at least try to love Yohana, she never would have been able to find love elsewhere.
And so it went. Tanabi and Yohana had managed for twenty years under this arrangement. Neither was truly satisfied, but neither were unhappy, either. They did what they could to make the best of the situation; and they worked hard at it. In the beginning, it had only been for the sake of their parents, but as time wore on, it became for the sake of each other as well. After twenty years, perhaps it could have been called love of some sort. Not necessary romantic love (despite the fact that they still engaged in marital relations), but they most definitely made themselves feel like they were a cohesive family; and love is always the foundation of family.
But then Yohana became pregnant, and she snapped.
Yohana had never been emotionally sturdy to begin with, but she was nearly psychotic when she became pregnant. After years of fighting depression, induced by a life that she felt overall had not been kind to her, the emotional and hormonal strains of a difficult pregnancy ravaged her mind. Tanabi tried to help her, but he was at a complete loss. Yohana refused to leave their bedroom, shunning medical attention, insisting that she was perfectly fine; and although it was obvious to Tanabi that she was not well, he was unable to convince her to talk to anyone. She wouldn't even talk to him; which was agonizing. Tanabi was not a man with many friends, and her silence had hurt his soul.
It had been a sad, tragic end. Driven suicidal by her choleric depression, he returned from the office one day to find that Yohana had ingested a poison, hoping to end both the life of her baby and herself. Tanabi had tried to act quickly, but despite his extensive expertise in medical kido, had only been able to rescue his daughter. Despite his best efforts, though, the poison had permanently scarred his baby's complexion, leaving large blotches, moles, and blemishes all over her body. Considering Tanabi had been lucky enough to prevent brain damage, it was a small price to pay; but it still tortured him. It foreshadowed the many failings he would have with her as a parent.
Tanabi did everything he could for Yohana, and in the end, she had almost killed his only child.
The anguish had been unimaginable. He had cared and nurtured this woman for two decades, but it had been for naught. Tanabi couldn't even be mad at Yohana - quite possible the only true friend he ever had - for she clearly hadn't been in her right mind. The despair made him indescribably angry, so angry that Tanabi wanted to burn the world. Still, he had a duty to his House, to his father, and most importantly to his daughter. It was his obligation to raise Ichihime as best as he could. So for the sake of his daughter, he picked up the shambles of his life, pieced his sanity back together, and tried to move forward.
Back then, Tanabi would have readily admitted he had become a bit unhinged - his fuse had definitely become shorter - but he tried to move forward. He hired concubines to provide himself an outlet; he studied the forbidden kido to distract himself; he became more and more involved in political affairs so that he didn't have to focus on the pain in his own House. He tried to move forward. Moving forward for the sake of his daughter. It was the only way. He must. Tanabi swallowed his rage and cursed Fate in silence, but he put on the most serene face he could; all for the sake of Ichihime. He tried his best to get everything he could for her: a good education, an opportunity to ascend the ranks in the Gotei 13 under the care of her prestigious uncle, a distinguished husband from the Four Houses and the Royal Guard.
But that had fallen to pieces.
The piece of shit that flaming-haired groom called a father had left his daughter in chaotic misery; broken and shattered and bitter, as unloved and second-rate as her tormented mother had been. Tanabi would never have had the right to rebuke his father-in-law Shihoin Tamanaka for passing Yohana off as a replacement for Yoruichi, but for Fate to do the same to his own daughter, burdening her with the shame of unwanted goods? The rage that smoldered inside him was beyond imagination.
The unbearable aspect was that Ichihime had blamed him. Blamed him for scaring away her intended - that his bitter cynicism and anger with the world had made her loneliness his fault. Whether Tanabi could accept that as the truth or not, it didn't matter - Ichihime hated him now; and Tanabi detested the world for it. The world had spit on his future, and on his daughter's future. It had torn the one thing he still cared about from him; and so as far as he was concerned, the world could suffer armageddon. He didn't care anymore. He had given the world every last ounce of patience he had, and it had given him nothing but problems.
They world would pay for what they did to him - shaming him and his family name, teaching his daughter that her father wasn't worth her respect, even having the gall to blame him for his wife's death. To accuse of him of abusing Yohana, neglecting her, crushing her spirit - to suggest that he had not been anything better than the absolute best husband he was capable of being? It was the ultimate insult to his dignity and to his pride. He had never raised so much as a finger to that woman; and here they think he did violence to her? Unbelievable. Such brazen, despicable accusations based on nothing but judgemental stupidity, how dare they. Tanabi would slaughter them all.
None of them deserved any of his respect anymore. Certainly not Kuchiki Byakuya; that pompous ass. Tanabi envied him endlessly. To have been able to choose his own wife, ignoring the horrid politics of nobility? Since when did that brat deserve a free pass? Yohana never had a choice to say no to Tanabi, why should Kuchiki Rukia have? Did Tanabi deserve to die alone? Was that fair to him? This isn't the petty world of commoners - love and romance aren't part of the package. You marry who your Head of House says you marry, you have babies, and you keep the Royal Bloodline alive. That's your job, and you don't back down from it. Your whole life as a noble is to raise your children, to save them and nurture them, protect them and love them, and finally teach them to do a better job at it than you did. That pompous ass. Kuchiki Byakuya thought he could escape his responsibilities to the future - now was the time of reckoning. That arrogant 6th division captain would open up that chamber and his heart would shatter in a thousand pieces, just like Tanabi's had.
He, his sister, her groom, and the groom's whole wretched family of oathbreakers - they could all go to Hell. They, and everyone else. Every last one of those damned shinigami could kiss his hairy ass.
In particular, Tanabi was tempted to cut off the braided ponytail of Unohana Retsu, a longtime rival in the art of kido. She was the only one he knew whose braid was longer than his, and it offended his sensibilities. The long braid of royalty was not to be worn by a woman whose mother was a prostitute; no matter how powerful a captain she was.
Yet there would be time aplenty for him to exact revenge on his other rivals. They had never respected his genius, and they would most certainly pay - but now was the time to settle matters of nobility, not professional conflicts. There would be many opportunities to attend to matters of military; including cutting out the eyeballs of that Orphan Lieutenant.
Tanabi was only three feet away from the doors to the seclusion chamber when his side screamed in pain. His body instantly began microconvulsing in shock, and some euphoric anesthetic was paralyzing him from further movement. After a few moments, he felt the sharp pain of a blade being ripped out of his body; and he regained his ability to move. "What the...?" Tanabi put his hand to his side and felt sticky, wet crimson fluids gurgling forth from the stab wound.
Turning around, he saw the purple-scarfed Orphan Bridesmaid pulling away from him; golden dagger in hand. His blood was on it, but it began to seep into the blade; slowly disappearing until the golden edge brightly reflected the midday sun.
Tanabi looked at Ise Nanao with disdain, clutching his side and trying to apply medical kido to seal the wound. "How come you're not stuck in the timestop?" he winced, his side oozing.
"Do you think no one ever tried to kill a bride before?" Nanao scowled back. "You're an idiot, Banzo Tanabi. Did you think the First Queen, Zohoin Toba, made this scarf because she needed something to match her purple hair?"
-:-
A long time ago
"Shosho-sama, I have come to swear my allegiance as your knight-in-arms."
Hajimata got a raised eyebrow in response. It wasn't skepticism, just surprise; but the nonchalant tone he received made Percival wonder if he was going to go home empty-handed. "And what, dear say, brings you to seek me out and make such an oath?"
He bowed deeply. "There isn't a single soldier under your command who wouldn't, your Excellency."
"You didn't answer my question."
"Your Excellency, your leadership inspires me, and I wish to remain under your command."
"Is that so? What has changed that worries you?"
"Please forgive me, your Excellency," Hajimata answered. "The King has informed me of a pending promotion, and I while I cannot refuse, I wish to remain your humble officer. As your knight-in-arms, I could accept my promotion with the caveat that I remain in your service. It is the only way I feel that I will be able to perform my duties with a full heart and a strong will."
"It will not be easy. I am not merciful, not even to my finest officers."
"Your compliments are above my worth, General."
Hajimata was pleasantly surprised to hear a laugh escape from the otherwise stern features of his esteemed leader. "In my opinion, this is a ridiculous conversation, but I like you so I will humor you. Arise, Hajimata-san. Serve me, in any way I deem fit, until the day you die. Do not waver, and do not falter. Do not fall when faced with the tasks that I shall ask you to endure. Serve me - support me, my mission, my purpose, and eventually, my freedom."
"As you wish," Hajimata replied with another bow. "My life is your life, my soul is your soul, my hand is your hand."
The powerful voice echoed thunderously all around them. "I accept your binding oath, Hajimata Percival!"
"Thank you, Shosho-sama."
-:-
Back to the present
Acknowledging that he was unaware of the scarf's origins would only have given her the upper hand, so Tanabi pretended as though she had said nothing at all. "Ah, look. The commoner who believes she can befriend a princess has come to play. As if to think you'll do anything other than die alongside her!" he sneered.
"Lay one finger on Rukia-san," Nanao glared, "and I'll personally slit your throat."
He scowled at her, gritting his teeth. Tanabi's side was really hurting, so he began to silently apply several more layers of medical binding spells. "Stabbing a man in the back is pretty dishonorable for a vice captain of the Gotei 13," he spat, distracted by the pain.
"Surprise is the best tactic," she answered. "but coming from someone about to commit assassination in a timestop, that's pretty hypocritical."
MOOOOOOOOOOORRRREE! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGGRRRYYY! FFEEEDD MEEE! her zanpakutou was screaming, whipped up into a frenzy. The bloodlust was singing in Nanao's head; the sweet, ferrous crimson tang floating in the air as Tanabi's wound dripped on the floor. Nanao's strength was building, and her blade was tingling, glowing, chanting its name to be called out. Nanao and her Sister wanted blood, and they both knew they were going to get it.
"Saya," Nanao commanded, "Fight!" Her golden knife unfurled into the pink fan that she always carried around, although this time, swirls and eddies of blood-red currents flowed through the fabric. It was only half saturated; but normally it got nothing at all and sat around practically useless, save for whacking Kyoraku Taicho when he annoyed her. Nanao had never given it this much blood before. Notably, she never had a reason to stab a person until now - only hollows.
Nanao could feel Saya's red eyes burning with a desire to suck this man dry. The dark-haired teenage girl inside her fan was impatient with temptation. Nanao's own eyes, hidden only behind contacts instead of her usual glasses, burned just as bright. She was absorbed in the moment, humming the opera that was blazing in her head. Nanao was in her element. The heady iron smell of blood, the euphoric rush of battle, the adrenaline that came with being a shinigami; a psychopomp, a god of the dead, a harbinger of death, a messenger of the grave.
"Clever," Banzo admitted. "Getting matching fans for the other bridesmaids so you could smuggle in your own zanpakutou. But a fan makes for a pretty pathetic weapon."
Nanao swiftly waved her large fan, and the sonar crashed right into Banzo Tanabi's body, fueled and amplified by the consumed blood. The sound waves were so powerful that they immediately caused his pancreas and spleen to burst, as well as rupturing his lower intestines. The pain was so excruciating that Tanabi couldn't even scream.
"You speak a lot of trash for someone who's just standing there and bleeding," she retorted, not withholding an ounce of confidence from her voice.
The anti-clotting effects of her zanpakutou did not help his internal hemorraging, but Tanabi was a tough man. He didn't get to be a Major General just because his father left him the position. He didn't have his zanpakutou with him, and if the scarf shielded her against a timestop, it would certainly protect her against any other kido spell; so he was forced to use hand-to-hand combat.
Nanao noticed his moment's delay and quickly plotted out a course of action. She had to get in a good position - this was the worst kind of warfare. Although many people had already left the dance floor in anticipation for the bride and groom to emerge, there were still tons of frozen people scattered about. The potential for someone to get caught in the crossfire of a kido battle was way too high; Nanao needed to keep the fight contained. At the same time, she would get slaughtered in close combat because of her miserable hand-to-hand and weapon skills. Nanao's strength was in long-range assaults, but that was going to be exceedingly difficult here.
All she needed to do was stall for time long enough to let the wound wear him down. Within milliseconds, her sharp mind had calculated a battle plan. If she could time this just right, it would work perfectly...
Using his reiatsu reserves to maintain his strength and preserve his ability to fight through the grave injuries, Tanabi charged at her. Nanao was quick on her feet, though, and used shunpo to run around the room, making him chase after her through open pathways and away from the throngs of guests bedecked in their best clothing.
Finally, Nanao got herself into a good clearing by a security door, looking through the porthole to verify that her plan was going to work. "Bahido #1: Smokescreen," she cast. Excited to be able to finally put her theories to the test, Nanao quietly began a kido incantation for another spell.
A burst of smoke and ash clouded Tanabi's vision as he flashed right into it. He felt her whizz by him, firing tiny Hado #4: White Lightnings at him. By instinct, he threw up a Bakudo #8: Repulse to fend them off. When the smoke cleared, he saw her waiting for him, preparing an incantation for Hado #90: Black Coffin.
Tanabi wasn't going to give her the chance to pull it off. He flashed forward, viciously punching her in the stomach. Nanao doubled over, unable to make a sound; and with his other hand, Tanabi punched downwards into the base of her skull.
Nanao landed on the floor, winded, and Tanabi savagely kicked her with all his might in the face, his boot leaving a mark on her cheek. He then grabbed her by the back of her collar, hauled her up, and hurled her into a stone column. Seeing that Nanao's nose wasn't yet broken and bleeding, he rectified that with a punch between her eyes. While he had her there, he punched her in the breast, just because he knew it would hurt.
"You are nothing but a complete waste of my time, Orphan! You were born a louse, and you will die a louse! You'll regret you weren't there for Aizen to put you in your place!" Not wanting to give her an opportunity to respond, he punched his knuckles into her throat, crushing her windpipe so she couldn't speak.
Tanabi then grabbed a stack of a dozen dishes from a nearby table, and proceeded to smash each one over her face as he berated her:
"How could you possibly think" *smash* "that you could ever" *smash* "play god with Fate?" *SMASH*
"Did you believe that you " *smash* "could escape the cruel hand of Destiny?" *SMASH*
"That just because" *smash* "you wear" *smash* "some stupid scarf" *smash* "that you could become someone?" *SMASH*
"YOU ARE NOTHING" *smash* "BUT" *smash* "AN" *smash* "ORPHAN!"
Unsatisfied that he hadn't done enough damage, he grabbed a metal chair and swung it down on top of her shins, shattering them. The sound of broken bones brought him sadistic glee, so he broke her kneecaps and then her elbows.
His lust for sadism not yet fulfilled, he began to break her fingers one by one, annoyed that the Orphan Lieutenant refused to become conscious. "How does it feel, Orphan? How does it feel to be reminded that you are nothing more than a piece of shit in a gutter?" He then broke three fingers at once, and the limpid body beneath him awoke and let out a jarring, mangled scream of pain. Excited to hear her agony, he bit off her thumb and spit it on the floor.
Picking up the battered and bloody Nanao by her hair, he yelled into her face. "You think you're good enough to contend with me, Orphan!" His cruelty still unsatiated, he grabbed a fork and took it to her eyes. "Ise Nanao, this is what happens when you challenge me!" Finally, grabbing a steak knife, he plunged it into her heart, spit down her throat, and dropped the corpse like a sack of potatoes.
"Pathetic," he muttered under his breath. "It's obvious why you became Shunsui-ojisama's vice captain. The only thing you could ever contribute to him was the hole between your legs."
Bet you didn't see that ending coming.
Before you flame me to death, read today's Crossover Cup.
Next Chapter: I would like to think that there is not a single one of you who could predict the entirety of what's coming next.
THE CLIMAX CONTINUES! PANSIES, COWARDS, WHINERS, AND SISSIES GO HOME!
~~Crossover Cup!~~
Today's special guest: Yumi Azusa, from Soul Eater!
Nathan: Welcome to the program, Yumi.
Yumi: Thanks for having me.
Nathan: You're the academic type, let's hear your thoughts.
Yumi: First, what's with the whole anti-arranged-marriage bent here? Both Tanabi and Byakuya had bad experiences with the idea.
Nathan: Now that you mention it, I actually didn't notice. It's just a plot device. I myself had an arranged marriage, and I'm extraordinarily happy and love my wife dearly. So I hope no one takes offense.
Yumi: Well, okay then. Speaking of, I am immediately struck by the literary parallels between Banzo Tanabi and Kuchiki Byakuya.
Nathan: Really? You noticed?
Yumi: (stares at Nathan)
Nathan: Right, of course you noticed.
Yumi: It's really rather remarkable how each of them reacted to the death of their wives. It makes me want to go back and read the Byakuya passages, hunting for clues.
Nathan: Well, go ahead, by all means be my guest.
Yumi: I'm already your guest.
Nathan: Uh, right. Anyway, I wanted to introduce you to someone. Everybody's been joking that you would have been the perfect zanpakutou for Ise Nanao, so I wanted to introduce you.
Nanao: Hi, Yumi. Nice to meet you.
Yumi (flabbergasted): Uh, yes, a pleasure.
Nanao: What is it, Azusa-san?
Yumi (sweat drop forms on head): Uh, I thought you were dead.
Nanao: Well, very clearly, Azusa-san, I am dead. I am a shinigami, after all. We're all dead.
Yumi (another sweat drop forming): That's not what I meant. Weren't you just stabbed in the chest?
Nanao: What do you mean, I'm standing right here.
Yumi: Did you read this chapter at all!
Nanao (reads chapter): Interesting.
Yumi: Then you should be dead!
Nanao: But this is an omake.
Yumi: But still!
Nanao: Well, we can ask Nathan-san.
Yumi: Nath-- hey, where did he go?
(Nathan is nowhere to be found)
Nanao: That bozo, he's probably hiding from all the flames he's gonna get.
Nathan (offstage, mumbling to himself): I better not lose any readership over this....