A/N: Hey guys! I apologize for my relatively extended absence! I was on vacation for a week, and then when I returned home and began writing again, I developed a severe case of WRITERS BLOCK! It truly sucked. I put a lot of pressure on myself when writing this chapter, because it's mostly about Eddie going to therapy, and I wanted to make sure I wrote the scene to perfection. I'm obviously not a therapist, so coming up with a full-length conversation between Eddie and Dr. Jennings was extremely challenging, more than I thought it would be. I also needed to do metric conversions for this chapter, and that took me (too much) time to figure out as well. I also took the time to update one of my other stories, Inherited, during this short-ish break.
Before you read, there are two things about this story that I want to clear up real quick:
1.) A reader recently pointed out to me that in the beginning of this story, I said Todd and his friends lived at Hathor House. Later on, I said that they boarded at Isis House. This, unfortunately, is the result of me taking too long to update between each chapter; I am so sorry! To set the record straight, the bullying demons have always supposed to have lived in Isis House. I honestly have no clue why I said Hathor in the beginning. Sorry for the confusion!
2.) In another earlier chapter, I mentioned that Dr. Jennings is a Psychologist, as in a therapist who doesn't prescribe medicine. I'm not sure why I said that was his occupation, because I've always meant for him to be a Psychiatrist, a therapist who does prescribe medicine! My old laptop used to auto-correct the weirdest things- this must have been one of them!
With all of that being said, It is almost time for you to enjoy the next installment of Broken! I wanted to make it longer, but it was taking me so long to write, that I decided to post what I had! Hopefully, I'll be able to get my next chapter updated quicker!
Now, without further ado, here is the next chapter of Broken! As always, review when you are finished! Have fun, and of course, SIBUNA!
P.S. I DON'T OWN HOUSE OF ANUBIS. SORRY. I WISH I DID. LIKE, I REALLLLY WISH I DID.
(Eddie's P.O.V.)
"Oh. My. God." Patricia breathes.
We've been staring down the chasm in awe for several minutes now, trying to comprehend what we have discovered: thousands of enormous diamonds.
How did these even get here? Where did Frobisher get them? How has no one ever noticed them? Have Victor or my Dad have ever tried to find them? Do they know of their existence?
"I…I can't believe this! Is this real life?" Patricia exclaims.
"I think so. What are we supposed to do? Should we go down there and take them?" I question.
"Well…yeah, it's just, how do we get down there? It doesn't look like a deadly jump, but I don't think it's entirely safe either." She replies.
"We should get the others. I'm sure Fabian can think of a way to get us down there." I say.
Patricia snorts. "Yes, because we're all totally on speaking terms right now."
I stare down at my feet. I had almost forgotten that everyone in Sibuna hates each other right now, except for Patricia and I. Fabian and Alfie apparently aren't speaking to each other because they got into a huge argument over the the results of the dinner incident last night, Alfie and Patricia won't even look at each other because of their fight, KT is angry at Alfie and Fabian for convincing her to lie to me, and she's still mad at Patricia for calling me weak, and Patricia is mad at all three of them for lying to me again, as am I. Unfortunately, Sibuna is a mess at a time when we need to be a team.
"No one is mad at me…right?" I ask.
"Eddie, that's the stupidest question you've asked me in a long time. Seriously, why would anyone be mad at you?" she snaps.
I sigh. "What I was going to say is since no one hates me at the moment, I can lure them here. They'll listen to me, right?"
She nods. "I guess that'll work. But…we're going to have to explain why we were down here in the first place…"
I shrug. I don't want to lie to them the way they lied to me, but I really don't want to talk about my almost attempt any further.
"I don't know…we'll come up with something." I say.
She nods. "Okay. Maybe Dr. Jennings can help you-"
"Oh my god, I have an appointment with him soon!" I shriek, as realization strikes me.
I pull out my phone, and check the time; it's 9:37.
"Shoot, my Dad is going to be here in three minutes to pick me up. We have to go, now." I tell her.
She takes my hand. "Alright, let's go."
We leave the diamond-filled chasm hand in hand. Along the way, we stop in the middle of the cellar.
"You should tell Jennings that you were going to jump from the roof of the House, and that I stopped you as you were climbing up. Let him know how you're feeling, but don't tell him about the chasm. Okay?" Patricia says.
I nod. "Okay. I'm…I'm afraid to tell him that I was even thinking about trying again, though…"
She takes both of my hands into hers, and stares into my eyes.
"Eddie, you have to tell him. He's not going to judge you, or get mad at you; he's a therapist, it's his job to listen to you. You have to tell him. Not just for you, but for me. Okay?"
I quickly lean down, and peck her lips.
"I will. For you." I tell her.
She smiles, and we continue walking together.
We get through the tunnel leading back to the kitchen with ease. Fortunately, Trudy and Victor aren't in sight.
"I thought Trudy would at least be down here." I murmur.
"Don't worry about it. Just go wait for your Dad out front okay? I'll tell her that you left-"
"Eddie, your Dad is waiting for you out front!" Trudy suddenly calls out from afar.
I lean down to give Patricia one more quick kiss.
"I love you." I say.
"I love you too, Weasel. Be honest with him, okay?"
"Okay," I reply, "I'll see you later."
I let go of her hand, and start walking towards the front door. I am going to tell Dr. Jennings everything that happened this morning, and last night; I am going to get better, for Patricia.
I exit Anubis House, and climb into my Dad's car.
"Morning." I say to him as I slide into my seat.
"Good Morning. Are you ready?" Dad asks
"Yeah, let's go."
He presses his foot against the gas pedal, and then we are off.
"Did you have time to eat breakfast?" he questions
I nod. "Yeah. Trudy made Bacon and Eggs."
"Good. That's one of your favorites, right?"
"Dad, everything she makes is my favorite. I swear she's never made me a bad meal."
He chuckles. "Well I'm glad. I know that some of the other Houses here cannot say the same."
"Wait, really? Which ones?" I ask.
"Oh, you haven't heard? Last year, the House Mother of Hathor House retired. She was as beloved to those boarding at Hathor as Trudy is to you all at Anubis, so finding a replacement was challenging. I hired this one woman, who seemed like she would be an excellent care taker, which she is, but she cannot prepare a meal to save her life. I received a report from a group of students the other day saying that the chicken stir-fry she prepared for dinner tasted rather peculiar, and that they later found the slaughtered remains of a kitten in the kitchen garbage can."
I start cracking up. "Seriously? That's terrible! Are you going to fire her?"
He doesn't reply. Instead, he stares at me with a smile spreading across his lips.
"What?" I ask.
He smirks. "That's the first time I've heard you laugh in a long time," he murmurs, "It was something I've missed."
I look up at him. He looks genuinely happy that I did something as simple as laughing. I rack my brain, as I try to remember the last time I genuinely laughed; I can't find it.
"I want to laugh more," I say, "It's just I don't think I can."
"Why on earth do you think that?" he asks, concern in his voice.
I sigh. "Because I'm depressed all of the time. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be one hundred percent happy again."
He takes one hand off of the steering wheel, and uses it to hold my hand closest to him.
"You'll be happy again. I know you will." he says.
I shrug, and lean my head against the window, still holding his hand. I stay like that for the remainder of the drive.
"Hello, we have a ten o'clock appointment with Dr. Jennings." Dad says to the therapy office's receptionist, who sits at a desk in the back of a vast waiting room.
"Last name?" she asks.
"Miller."
She types on her computer, and makes Dad sign a waiver.
"You're checked in. Dr. Jennings will be with you shortly."
We thank her, and then sit on a couch near the desk.
"Do you have any ideas as to what you want to talk about today?" Dad questions.
I nod. "Yeah, I have a list memorized."
"Oh, I meant to ask you," he continues, "did you bring your, um, note? The one from yesterday?"
"Shoot, I forgot," I tell him, "but I can tell him what it said. Don't worry."
While I actually forgot to bring the dreaded note, I wasn't planning on bringing it anyway. I hate talking about my suicidal tendencies to begin with, therefore I didn't want to bring the note that explains how miserable I am.
"Hello, Eddie!"
I look over my shoulder, to see Dr. Jennings standing in a nearby doorway. Dad and I stand up from our seats and approach him.
"Hi." I murmur.
He smiles warmly at me. "Eric, I'll call you back within the hour. Eddie, this way please."
Dad gives me a reassuring pat on the back, and then I follow Dr. Jennings. We pass several other offices and make a few turns before we reach the door to his.
I enter his office, and sit down on the patient's couch. Dr. Jennings sits across from me in a chair similar to the couch.
He pulls out a notebook from under his chair, and opens it up.
"Alright, Eddie. Let's start off with how you're feeling right now." He begins.
I shrug. "Do you honestly want to know?"
He stares at me curiously. "Yes, I do, actually. How would you describe your current mood, as of right now?"
I stare down at my feet. I have to do this, for Patricia.
"I feel…a mixture of things," I start, "I feel sad and hopeless, but I also feel kind of eager."
"Okay, let's start at the beginning. Why do you feel sad and hopeless?"
Where do I even begin? Do I start with my almost attempt from today, or everything that happened to lead up to it?
I sigh, and lift up the long sleeves of my shirt. I scoot forward, so Dr. Jennings can examine my cuts.
"When did this happen?" he asks as he examines them.
"Yesterday."
He nods, and pulls my sleeves down.
"Your demeanor suggests that you have a lot to say. Go ahead." he murmurs.
I explain everything to him. I talk about how I feel like I lost any sense of security I had left when we lost the court case. I explain how upset Willow's abuse and Patricia's fight make me, because I know that the pain they encountered is entirely my fault. I then describe my relapse, my breakdown after seeing Patricia's stomach, and the drafting of my note. I tell him how Fabian caught me, and how I went into hysterics when he did. I emphasized that he calmed me down, followed by KT's comfort. I then explain the eavesdropping situation, and how the lie was continued at breakfast this morning. Finally, I talk about what I've wanted to talk about the least: my almost attempt.
"Eddie, I'm sorry to interrupt," he says as I am talking, "but am I hearing that you nearly took your life this morning?"
He stares at me in concern. I replay Patricia's words in my head: he's not going to judge you…
I nod, and a few tears slide down my cheeks.
"Yes," I murmur, "yes I did. I started climbing to the roof of my boarding house from Patricia's bedroom, and I was going to jump. She caught me, and talked me out of it." I say.
I stare down at my feet, and let a few more tears fall. I hear Dr. Jennings stand up from his chair, and then sit down beside me.
"She apologized for what she said to me, and she told me that there isn't anyone else in the world who she loves more than me. I believe her, and she calmed me down. I promised her that I'd get better as soon as I could…but I honestly don't think that I can." I add.
Dr. Jennings nods. "Okay, let me make sure I have this right. Everything that you have described to me contributed to this attempt, and if Patricia hadn't caught you, you would have jumped from the roof of your boarding home?"
I nod, even though it was really the chasm-filled-with-diamonds that I tried to jump from.
"That's right." I reply.
He sighs. "Alright. I think it would be most beneficial for us to discuss everything that led up to this in more depth. We'll start in chronological order: The Court Case. I heard about the outcome before this meeting, Eddie. For starters, I am truly sorry. I know what they did to you, and I believe that those boys have no business being kept outside of bars."
"Yeah, I agree." I snort.
He smiles lightly. "Anyway, you mentioned that you lost your sense of security when the verdict was reached. Why do you think that is?"
I sigh, as the memories of that horrible day flood my mind.
"I think it's because…I think that if they're locked up, they won't hurt me again; yet, at the same time, it almost seems silly to me, because I think I'd still be depressed if they were."
He nods. "That is true. If they were in prison, they wouldn't have access to you. I also believe that if they were eliminated from your life, you would be happier. After all, they are the ultimate source of your despair."
"That makes sense," I start, "but I genuinely believe that I'm so depressed, I don't think anything can make me happy again. Even if they were locked up, or if my friends stopped lying to me."
"Why do you think that is?"
I pause. I've never really stopped to think about why I believe I'll be depressed forever. He's the therapist, shouldn't he be able to tell me why?
"I don't know…I guess it's because life for me is so horrible right now, I can't see a better future? I don't even know if there is one for me, maybe?" I say
"Ah, so you admit that you don't know what the future holds," he begins, "with that being said, wouldn't it be reasonable to try to fight through your illness, and see if there is a better life ahead of you? I mean, you won't know unless you get there."
I let that sink in. How am I supposed to know what lies ahead of me? I don't know if I am going to be depressed forever…I've just assumed that I would be.
"Is that how you're going to try to convince me to avoid suicide? By not knowing if things will get better?" I blurt.
He nods. "One of them. What I want you to understand, Eddie, is that committing suicide is a permanent decision. Once you are dead, you're dead; there is no coming back. What you're currently experiencing, with Todd and his friends bullying you, is not permanent. Believe it or not, they will get tired of hurting you. They will stop eventually, and I believe that when they do, you will be happier. They are what has lead you to feeling so depressed in the first place, therefore I know that when they finally give up on you, a huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders."
I nod. "I guess that's what I've wanted for a while…for them to leave me alone. I mean, they haven't done much recently, but I feel like they're just waiting for me to heal so they can break me down again."
"Understandable. Yet, I don't think that is going to happen. Eddie, I don't care how powerful of a lawyer Todd's mother is, those boys have to be scared of being sentenced to prison. It's nearly happened to them, so I would be extremely surprised if they tried to push their luck."
I never thought of it that way. I mean, Todd is ferocious, but he's still human, he'll have to tire eventually. His fear will one day consume him. He'll give up, but it's not going to happen soon.
"Part of my problem is that as I'm listening to you, I understand what you're saying, but it's hard for me to memorize. This makes perfect sense to me right now, but I know that after this appointment, I'll forget and be all suicidal again." I try to explain.
"That's reasonable, but do you know how we fix that? You visit me several times a week, and I reinstate it in your head until it's there permanently. You're never going to walk out of here one day feeling like you're the king of the world, Eddie, it's going to take time." he replies.
Time. Time is going to be my strongest medicine. Time. I wish it would fly by faster…
"Let's move on, shall we?", Dr. Jennings starts, "I want to discuss this consistent guilt you feel. You mentioned that you feel guilty over Willow being bullied by Todd, and for Patricia getting hurt by Todd's girlfriend. Why do you feel like you are directly responsible for these events?"
I shrug. "Because they did what they did for me. Willow secretly videotaped Todd and his friends for me, which led to them abusing her. Patricia fought with Maddie, because she said something horrible about me. They got hurt because of me. It's the same thing with Alfie and Fabian attacking Todd. They had to go to court and be punished because of me. They did what they did because I'm so weak and depressed that I tried to commit suicide. It's all because of me."
I start crying again. I hate talking about this so much!
Dr. Jennings soothingly places his hand on my shoulder.
"I understand, Eddie, I truly do. However, there is something you must understand: your friends made their own choices. They didn't have to do any of the things they did, but they did any way. They're responsible for their own actions. There is nothing you could have done to control them."
I shake my head. "Okay, but I was their main motive for what they did. Had I not been so suicidal and depressed, they wouldn't have gotten hurt. It's all my fault!"
"Sure, you were their motive," Dr. Jennings starts, "but the choice to get themselves hurt was their own. Eddie, have you ever thought about why they took these courses of action?"
"Because of me?" I choke.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean," I begin, "that they were trying to protect me-"
"Exactly," he interrupts, "They were trying to protect you. Why? Because they love you. Eddie, I have treated many patients with suicidal tendencies much like yours throughout the years. Do you know what makes you different from most of these kids? It's that you have an unbelievably strong network of support around you. You have a girlfriend who obviously loves you very much, a few friends who care deeply about you, and two parents who you mean the world to. Believe me when I say, not everyone has that. I know that you're upset because people got hurt in an attempt to protect you, but I guarantee that to them, it was well worth it."
"So…you're saying that I shouldn't look at the fact that they got hurt because of me, but at how much they care about me? That I should try to ignore my guilt?" I say.
He nods. "Yes. I know that forgetting that guilt will be easier said than done, but you can do it. It will pass, much like Todd's bullying will. You'll move on."
I let that sink in. They did what they did out of love. I can try to justify my guilt by saying Todd will hurt them as he hurt me, but like Dr. Jennings said, he will tire eventually and leave them alone too. It will all pass: the guilt, and the fear of them getting hurt.
"Similar can be said about the lies your friends have told you. They are not trying to lie to you out of hate or distrust, but out of love and protection. Sure, I don't agree that they should lie to you, but I think that their motives for doing so should be more appreciated than the fact that they tried to keep something hidden from you."
I shrug. "It's just…I trust them with everything, and I feel like they don't trust me back when they lie." I theorize
Dr. Jennings nods. "Of course. Like I said, I don't agree with them lying to you. I think that they should be honest with you, so you can face these problems head on, and deal with them together. That's one of our treatment goals: coping with incidents that upset you. I tried to explain that to them when you were in the hospital, but evidently they didn't quite get the memo."
"Yeah," I start, "It's just…I don't know. The four of them: Patricia, Fabian, KT, and Alfie, they all mean the world to me, and I'm glad that I have them in my life…it's just I feel like I'm always bothering them by being sick. I feel like most people our age shouldn't have to deal with…the things that they've been going through with me. I feel like I'm more of their mandatory charity case than I am their friend."
Dr. Jennings looks at me quizzically. "Did anyone ever inform you of how upset they were while you were in your coma?"
I shake my head. "I mean, they told me that me going unconscious for so long was hell for them, and that they were scared for me…why?"
Is there something else that they're keeping from me?
He sighs. "Eddie, your former nurses seriously considered admitting all four of them into the hospital at some point throughout the duration of your coma. There were times when they, Patricia and KT most specifically, were crying so hard, they were nearly hyperventilating. One night, Fabian was so visibly upset that it looked like he had stopped breathing, and a nearby nurse wanted to do CPR on him. Oh, and when your Doctor first announced to everyone that you only had a fifty-percent chance of survival, KT and Patricia fell to the ground in such hysterics that no one could get them to move for almost an hour. Eddie, listen to me: they love you. You are truly blessed with such a tight circle of friends. I didn't meet them officially until after you were awake, but I saw them in hysterics from afar: they care deeply for you. Therefore, I don't think they view you as a charity case at all; they genuinely love you, and want you to heal."
I stare at him in awe, not knowing what to say. "Seriously? They…they were that upset?"
He nods. "I also spoke with the Private Detective your Father hired, Officer McKinley, who interviewed them when it was believed they caused you to attempt. He said that in all of his years of interviewing suspects, he had never spoken with persons who were as upset about the situation they were in as they were. He said Patricia even swore at him."
I can't help but smile to myself; of course Patricia would do that. I honestly had no clue any of them were so upset when I was out. I mean, I knew they were devastated, but almost being hospitalized themselves? I never would have guessed that they would be that upset.
I love them so much. All four of them. (Okay, I don't exactly love Patricia the same way I love the others, but she's one of my best friends, too.) I love them, and they love me. They're not trying to hurt me, even though it may seem that way sometimes. They're willing to sacrifice their safety for me, like I was when it came to everything Sibuna-related last term.
"You're smiling." Dr. Jennings murmurs.
"I just…I'm starting to feel better about this now. I mean, I'm far from being healed, but I'm starting to feel like there's hope. I really am." I explain.
I mean every word of that, too. As I'm talking, I'm gaining perspective. The words that Patricia, Fabian, and KT have said to me recently are finally starting to make sense. They want me, they care about me, and they love me as much as I love them.
"You feel hopeful." Dr. Jennings concludes.
I nod.
"Tell me again what you feel hopeful about." he says.
"Well," I start, "I hope that one day, Todd will get tired of wanting to hurt me, and Willow, and he'll leave us alone. Willow and Patricia made their own choices, in attempt to protect me, and I hope that I'll be able to abandon the guilt I feel for them getting hurt. I also hope that I'll be able to forgive my friends for lying to me, and be able to accept that what they did was wrong, but realize it was in an attempt to protect me. I shouldn't feel like I'm a burden to them, because they love me, and I love them back just as much."
When I walked in here today, I never would have imagined I would say something like that. Maybe I would have, simply to please Dr. Jennings, but I never would have thought that I'd believe it. I know that I'm still a long time away from being perfectly fine, but this is a start. I'm starting to realize now what everyone has been trying to tell me: life gets better, and everything I'm feeling now will pass.
"Excellent. I realize, Eddie, that there will be times in the future when you may not exactly, remember those words, but I feel like you acknowledging them is a monumental step in your recovery. Wouldn't you agree?"
I nod. "Yeah…listen, I wasn't too thrilled about coming here today. Actually, I only had my Dad schedule an emergency appointment because Fabian talked me into it. I only wanted to talk this morning because Patricia wanted me to. Now…I'm actually, glad that I came. I'm not…I'm not dreading the fact that Patricia caught me."
Dr. Jennings nods. "While all of this is great, Eddie, we still have to address the fact that you did contemplate suicide this morning. I know you have this new understanding of how life will get better, but there are still things we need to discuss."
I stare at him in confusion. "Like what?"
He sighs. "Well, I want to inform your Father of what is going on, and discuss some further treatment plans."
No no no, please don't bring him into this!
"…I'm going to invite him in here, and we're going to talk about possibly switching your medications. We'll also talk about ways for you to cope when you feel urges to commit suicide, or self-harm. I also want to discuss a…um, watch enforcement, on you."
"Watch enforcement?"
What does that mean?
"I mean…a suicide watch." he clarifies.
Bile rises up my throat. I'm not crazy enough to be put on suicide watch, am I?
"It wouldn't be anything too severe," he explains, "but it would be strictly enforced. I'm thinking something along the lines of you not being allowed to be away from someone at all times, unless it's to go to the bathroom or shower. You would basically have to always be in someones view."
I nod. I mean, things are kind of already like that…except I do get some alone time…
"Is that it?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "No. I want to increase the amounts of sessions we have, and I also want you to start attending the group therapy sessions I hold."
"Group therapy?" I question.
He nods. "Yes. I'll go grab your Dad from the waiting room, and we can discuss it further. Okay?"
I nod. "Okay. Should I just wait here?"
"Yes. I'll be right back." he replies. He pats my knee comfortingly as he stands up from the couch.
I watch him as he leaves the room…so much for watch enforcement. I want to get better, I realize that now, but do I really need to be under supervision for 24 hours a day?
I'm not sure how keen I am about bringing my Dad into all of this, too. He's been more affectionate towards me since my main attempt, but does he genuinely care about me? I still don't trust him entirely after everything that happened last year…
This is so messed up. Wait, no it's not, this is all part of getting better. I'm going to get better, for Patricia, and everyone else. Gahhh, my brain is so annoying!
I hear my Dad and Dr. Jennings' voices and footsteps approaching fast. I shrug. Here goes nothing, I guess.
They enter the office. Dad smiles at me when I come into his view. He sits down beside me on the couch, while Dr. Jennings takes his place in his chair.
"Thank You for joining us, Eric." Dr. Jennings starts.
Dad grins. "Of course."
Dr. Jennings looks at me knowingly. "Eric, Eddie and I have been discussing the things that have been depressing him recently, and I just wanted to get you involved in how I would like to treat him."
"Alright. What do you have in mind?" Dad asks.
I gulp. He's going to tell him about this morning now…
"First of all," Dr. Jennings starts, "I want to place a strong suicide/self-harm watch on him."
Dad's eyes grow wide. "Wait, suicide watch? He hasn't actually tried again since he was the hospital-"
"I did this morning." I blurt.
Dr. Jennings looks at me with surprise, while Dad does in terror.
"What?!" he shrieks.
I turn myself around on the couch, so I am facing him. I briefly explain to him why I've been so upset. When I get to the part about how I tried to climb to the roof of the house, he starts to lightly cry.
"Dad…"
He then leans over, and pulls me into an awkward hug. I don't know what else to do, so I hug him back.
"Oh Edison…" he murmurs.
I squeeze him tighter, even though he used my full name; I truly hate my full name.
A few more seconds pass before I let go of him.
"I'm going to try to get better Dad, I really am. I promise."
He nods, and clenches my hand.
"Anyway," Dr. Jennings continues, "I want to enforce a suicide watch-"
"Yes, yes yes yes!" Dad practically shouts, "Absolutely. What exactly do you suggest?"
"Well Eric, I wanted to get you involved in this conversation, not only because you're Eddie's Father and I would have anyway, but also because I know that as the headmaster of his school, there could be restrictions."
Dad shakes his head fanatically. "No, there will be no restrictions whatsoever about this. Tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it."
Dr. Jennings sighs. "Well, for starters I don't ever want him to be alone. The only time he's ever going to be by himself is when he's using the restroom, or showering."
Dad nods. "Absolutely. What's the maximum distance someone can be away from him?"
Dr. Jennings purses his lips. "No more than three meters away."
I stare at both of them in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean by that?"
"Let's say you're in a big room with one person," Dr. Jennings starts, "that person is not allowed to be more than three meters away from you. Basically, Eddie, I always want someone to be close to you, with the exception of being in the restroom. Understood?"
I shake my head. "How much is three meters?"
He smiles. "Right, um…I think it would be about…ten feet, in American conversions? Does that sound about right?"
Dad nods, while I stare down at my feet. I'm not allowed to be any further than ten feet from someone. I know they're trying to help me, but this almost seems creepy!
"Eric, do you think this is possible? Do you think it will be a challenge, in any way, to have someone always by his side?"
He shakes his head. "Of course not. He'll start out with Fabian in the morning, and his Mother or Trudy, or myself can stay with him throughout the school day. Then once his friends return home, he can be with them until lights out- that's pretty much how they are right now anyway. Then he'll be with Fabian all night."
"Perfect. Eddie, any last questions? Final thoughts?"
"Yeah, just one," I say, "does this go for my cutting as well?"
He nods. "Yes. Those who are with you reserve all rights to check your arms if they feel it is necessary. Since you will be close to someone all the time, I don't think you will have any chance to self-harm, but still I want your cuts to be checked each day. Understood?"
I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels like I'm being imprisoned, and like I am going to be bothering everyone more than I already think I do, while the other part of me wants to do this to get better, and is willing to begin. I can't decide which side is more dominate, so I just nod.
"Awesome," Dr. Jennings says, "Speaking of cuts, Eric, you are aware that he self-harmed yesterday?"
Dad nods sadly. "Yes, his friends informed me."
I hate talking about my cuts so much…
"Okay, here is what I want to do, which goes for both your suicidal thoughts and urges to cut, Eddie: I want us to sit here and brainstorm things you can do when you feel any sort of tendency to hurt yourself."
He pulls out a piece of paper and pen as he says that. He starts to draw a chart on it, while I watch him curiously.
"So what is this, exactly?" I ask.
"This chart is going to contain a list of things that you can resort to when you feel the urge to cut or kill yourself. Essentially, you will be using anything we think of on this list instead of hurting yourself." Dr. Jennings explains.
"Like what?" I question.
"Well, I usually suggest going for walks. I know since you attend a boarding school, that could be more complicated. Would that be alright, Eric? If he went for strolls around the school, to ease his mind?"
Dad always gets unusually weird when he catches people walking around the school after classes, and when there isn't a school event taking place; will he break the rules for me?
"Of course," he says, catching me by surprise, "Of course he can. Am I correct to assume that he isn't permitted to go for these walks alone?"
He nods. "Yes. So Eddie, if the time where you want to cut, let's say you grab one of your friends and go for a walk. How does that sound?"
"It sounds…nice," I start, "but lately I've been so tired and depressed that just getting up from my bed and walking to the bathroom is tiresome. What if I don't feel like moving?"
He smiles. "We can think of other things too. Are you permitted to watch television at your house?"
I am about ready to tell him no, when suddenly Dad cuts me off.
"Not usually, but I'm willing to make an exception for him. He can watch TV, movies, go on the internet, play video games, whatever he wants. Anything to take his mind off of his pain."
I stare at him in surprise. He's worried about me enough to basically let me break all of the house rules?
"Excellent," Jennings replies, "would any of those things be suitable distractions for you, Eddie?"
I nod. "Absolutely…I just didn't think I would be allowed to."
Dad pats my knee. "If it makes you want to hurt yourself less, then I am willing to grant you permission."
I nod. "Okay, so that's taking long walks and using any form of technology. Would hanging out with any of my friends count?"
"Of course!", Dr. Jennings exclaims, "That's probably the best idea we've come up with yet. Pull any of your friends aside, and just talk, or hang out to distract yourself. I'm sure any of them will be willing to help you."
"He has an extremely close circle of friends," Dad adds, "it won't be an issue."
Dr. Jennings takes a moment to write all of our ideas down.
"Alright. Can you think of anything else, Eddie?" he asks me.
I shrug. "Not really."
"Would schoolwork be an acceptable distraction?" Dad asks.
Of course he would come up with that one.
Dr. Jennings nods. "Yes, although I'm sure that's not going to be Eddie's preferred method of soothing; but, it could work."
I playfully roll my eyes. "We're trying to boost my confidence dad, not eliminate it."
Dr. Jennings laughs. "I know Eddie, I know. Perhaps you could try reading? Any book of your choice, or any article online would do. Do you enjoy reading?"
"If its a book I really like," I say, "Then yeah, that would work."
"His roommate is a bit of a bookworm, I'm sure he would be able to help him with that as well." Dad adds.
Dr. Jennings chuckles. "Wonderful. So that's going for walks, using technology, reading, and possibly school work. I can't think of anything else. What about you, gentlemen?"
Dad and I both shake our heads.
"That sounds pretty good to me." I say, with Dad nodding in agreement.
Dr. Jennings smiles. "Awesome. Finally, our last topic for today: medication. Eddie, I realize that the medication I currently have you on right now isn't working out as I had hoped. Let's see, you're currently on Zoloft now, correct?"
I nod. "Yeah, and a bunch of other things, too."
He pulls out a sheet of paper from under his chair, and scans it over. I assume it's a list of all of my medications.
"Okay, you're on four different types of prescriptions. I'm going to cut that in half and only have you taking two. I'm switching you from Zoloft to Prozac, and adding Tofranil. My hope is that these new medications, with one being an antidepressant, can work together to balance your serotonin levels once again, which will help eliminate your depression."
"Wait," Dad starts, "That's what his previous medications were supposed to do. What if these don't work as well?"
Dr. Jennings sighs. "Some medications work well with people, while others don't. The medications that Eddie was taking before simply didn't click with his body. You can't tell if they are going to do that or not when you prescribe them, you just have to wait and see how they take effect. You can estimate their likelihood to be useful, but it's not always accurate. Evidently, my predictions with his previous medications didn't prove to be correct. My hope is that these new ones will work more efficiently."
"What if they don't?" I ask.
"You call me after taking them for about two weeks, and if there is no indication of improvement, we switch them again. We'll try as many times as we have to in order to find the one that works best for you, Eddie."
I nod. "Alright."
He smiles. "Okay, quick recap: Eddie, you are not allowed to be out of anyone's sight unless you are using the restroom. When you are in a room with someone, you are not allowed to be less than ten feet or three meters away from them. Your friends, house mother, Mum, and Father reserve all rights to check your arms to make sure you aren't cutting whenever they wish. You have this list of things to do when you feel the urge to kill yourself and cut, which I want you to closely abide by. I'm cutting the amount of medications you are taking in half, and switching the remaining two. Both will be ready at your pharmacy within the hour. Any questions?"
I shake my head. "Nope. I know I'm not…going to be better, for a while. But…I feel like this is a start. When I walked in here today, I had about two percent of hope. Now I feel like I have at least twenty-five."
Dr. Jennings smiles. "Well twenty-five is certainly better than two. I'm glad Eddie, I truly am. I want you to remember everything you and I discussed today, okay? Can you do that?"
I nod. "Yeah, I can. I will."
"Excellent. We just have one more thing to do: make your next appointment. I want to see you back in seventy-two hours for a regular appointment, and in twenty-four hours for group therapy. Will this work?"
"Yes, of course. Same time and place?" Dad asks, answering for me.
Dr. Jennings nods. "Yes. Does that sound good, Eddie?"
I nod. "Yep. I'll see you then."
Dad stands up, and shakes his hand, which I then do as well. We thank him for his help, and then exit his office.
I am hardly out of the room when Dad suddenly engulfs me in a huge hug.
"Please, don't ever leave me." he murmurs.
I hug him back, not knowing what else to do.
"I'll try my best." I say.
He nods, and kisses my cheek.
"I love you. I don't want to lose you, especially to something like this." he adds.
I nod, and let a few tears fall from my eyes. After all this time, I thought he didn't care about me that much…
"I love you too, Dad. I love you too."
He holds on to me for another few minutes before he finally lets me go.
"Let's get you back to the house. I'm sure you're hungry again, and I bet Trudy is already preparing your lunch."
I nod, and we walk towards the front door together.