Chapter 36 What hurts the most

It was three months later. Stevie was lying in her bed, but like many nights before she couldn't catch her sleep. She lay the novel she had tried to read away. Sighing deeply she just stared in front of her when she heard a knock on the door. Regan showed her face around the door, smiling softly. 'You're still awake'. It was more a conclusion than a question. Her friend nodded.

Regan walked into the room, sitting on the bed, glaring at Stevie. She was worried about her friend. There had happened so much these last months and Stevie looked like she was tangled up between hope and despair. Regan gave her another supporting smile, rubbing Stevie's leg. 'You should really get some rest. Don't try to think so much.' Stevie blinked, looking back. 'I try, but I can't. How can I do this without knowing where he is?' 'Shh ...', Regan said, moving a bit closer. 'It's no use. You know we did anything we could, but there's no sign.'

Stevie sighed again, looking away for a moment, feeling tears welling up. It surprised her there were still tears left. 'I can't give up on him', she whispered, wetting her lip. Regan looked at her friend's big teary eyes and she wished she could make things better, but there was no way. 'You should think about yourself now.' She gave Stevie an asking look, seeing her respond with a half nod. 'Well, get some sleep'. Regan petted her and walked out the room.

Stevie lie down, covering herself with the sheets. It sounded simple, but it was far from. How could she just forget him? She could remember her last moments with him, knowing she would do anything to get him back. Realizing that, a tear started to roll down her cheek.

She could see the looks on Regan's and Kate's faces when she had asked where Alex was. And she had known immediately he wasn't there. There to support her in the hospital. He was gone. Since that moment her world had crashed down and she tried to understand. She remembered the talk with Marcus a few weeks later.

'Can you tell me exactly what happened?', she asked to the man sitting on the couch in front of her. She had asked it before, but this time she wanted him to be more specific. Marcus tried to remember every little detail. He knew it wouldn't bring Alex back, but maybe it could ease her pain. 'He was standing not far from the front door. He looked confused. His eyes were covered with tears.'

Stevie followed every movement of Marcus' lips, every word repeated in her mind. 'Alex, he ... well I asked what was up, and he seemed so diffuse, but said I needed to go inside, the stairs.' 'Was it all he said?' Marcus nodded. 'And I went inside, and saw you lying in front of the stairs. So I kneeled down, called the ambulance. I couldn't do much, so I tried to find Alex. He was gone. First I thought he was getting help, but ...' Stevie closed her eyes. It was hard to hear this. How could Alex leave her like this?

'So he has seen me lying there?' 'Must be', Marcus said convinced. 'So ... how did it look?' It was one big black hole in her memory. She didn't really know she felt of the stairs, but it must have been the case. 'You, well. You lay weird, your position. Blood was almost anywhere on the floor. On the back of your head. Your eyes were half closed. Your arm was obviously not in well shape.'

It was tough for Marcus to think back to it. It had scared and shocked him at the same time. Her bathrobe had half covered her. It was mostly the blood that had frightened him. Stevie still looked at him, hoping for more information. 'It was scaring', Marcus continued. 'For ...'. He wasn't sure if he could say it. 'What?', Stevie asked immediately, pushing him to finish his sentence. 'For a moment I thought you were dead, or you wouldn't make it.'

Her eyes grew big when he told her that. 'You think that Alex could have thought that too?' 'Maybe, that's possible', Marcus said calm not noticing what kind of thoughts were running through her mind. She looked away, shaking her head. 'If he', she mumbled. 'What?', Marcus asked softly.

She looked up at him. 'If he thought I was dead ... it could be the reason he went away.' 'Why would he leave?' The blonde guy wasn't really following her thoughts. 'After Claire, it makes sense.' Stevie mostly said that comment to herself. Marcus gave her another questioning look. Of course he had heard Claire's name a few times before, but he didn't know exactly what had happened to her. Stevie skipped her thoughts and glared at Marcus. 'He found Claire dead. He was the first one who reached her after the accident at the cliff.'

'You think he got scared?', Marcus asked, to be sure he understood this correctly. Stevie nodded. 'He probably couldn't take it, and he wouldn't have a reason to come back, to be confronted with my death.' The thought had given her hope, but had frightened her too. What if he really thought she had died? Maybe he did something stupid to himself. And would he come back? Nor his parents, Tess and Nick, or Dave had heard from him. No one ... would he just go and build a life somewhere else?

Since that moment she couldn't get any rest in her mind or her body. Stevie could still feel him, his smell, and his touch. Everything that reminded her of that perfect night. She never had been happier. She had him so close, so close till she had said those words. Maybe they had frightened him. Maybe he wasn't ready yet. Maybe, even maybe, he wasn't sure if he loved her. That last thought was something she tried to ignore. She wished she hadn't said it. That she had given him some space, but she had loved him from the bottom of her heart and she still did.

She was scared to give up, scared to hope. But mostly cause she wanted him to know. To know she was alive, more than ever.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could've been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you every where I go
But I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder

Rascal Flatts – What hurts the most