Anne sat in front of the mirror, she was applying a little light makeup. She wanted to look her was smart enough not to apply any eye makeup, she knew she wouldn't make it through today without crying.
It still didn't feel real to her, it had been about two and a half weeks since he died but she felt like he could come back walking into the circus any day.
Like she might wake up one morning and see him asleep in bed next to her. Like he will surprise her at the end of the show, on the last song they used to sing together. He would just knee slide across the stage and kiss her like she'd never been kissed before. Today was the day she knew he was dead for sure. Today was the day of his memorial. Today was the day a part of her soul died. When Phillip left this earth he took part of her with him, she would never be the same, not without him.
She felt like she'd entered a raffle and won the biggest and best prize that everyone dreamed about. She'd already won once what were the chances that would ever happen for her again. Phillip was the once in a lifetime love of your life everyone talked about, you only get one shot at true love and her love was taken from her way too soon in life
There was a knock at the door, "h-hello?" Anne asked shakily, "hey Anne, it's Charity, how are you doing?" She asked, Anne took one last look at herself in the mirror, "I think I'm ready".
Charity opened the door and waited in the doorway, "oh Anne, you look stunning" she gasped, Anne smiled sadly, "do you think he would like it?" She asked, Charity nodded her eyes tearing up, "he would love it".
They took each other in their arms for a brief second before walking out to the ring hand in hand.
In the ring they had set up a board with all the few photos of Phillip they could gather pinned to it, P.T stood in front of it dressed in a smart black suit and top hat. He had a make-do podium in front of oddities all sat in black in the stand in front of him. They all looked solemn and teary eyed.
W.D stood when he saw his sister, "you look great sis" he said, she smiled waterily "thank you D, are we ready to begin P.T?" She asked.
P.T nodded, and Anne took a seat with her friends.
P.T removed his hat respectfully, "Phillip…" he faltered and looked to Anne, "Samuel" Anne said. He nodded, "Phillip Samuel Carlyle was a great friend, lover and leader to us all. His death was much too early, he was only 25 when his life was sadly brought to it's sudden end. See Phillip was an amazing man who made the ultimate sacrifice to save Josephine Willoughby who is here with us all today thanks to Phillip's heroic actions" P.T began.
W.D stroked Anne's hands as she tried not to cry, "Phillip was the kindest man I've ever known, he was like a son to me and Charity and a brother to our girls. He can never be replaced in any of our hearts, we will ensure Phillip Carlyle shall never be forgotten" P.T continued.
Anne looked at the photos of Phillip they had managed to gather, there were a few pictures from news articles. There was also a photo of Phillip standing with all of the oddities, all the Barnum's and Anne of course taken the day they restarted the circus in the tent.
Anne's eyes brimmed with tears as she gazed at the two of them in the photo, Phillip had his arm wrapped around her waist pulling her close to his chest. Anne hugged him hiding her face in neck shyly but the half of her face captured showed a giddy smile on her face.
She remembered that was the first and only photo she had ever had of herself, she felt shy and nervous so Phillip had offered his arms for safety.
She cried at the sight of that stupid smile she would never see it again, what she would give to hold his face in her hands again or to hug him or just hear his voice again.
P.T's voice broke as he himself tried to hold it together, Charity stood by his side whispering softly to him in comforts, "I remember when I met Phillip-" he pounded his palm against the podium a few times when his voice failed.
He sniffed, "at the time Phillip was just this kid and I had the pleasure to see him-" he voice cracked again. He began to cry but pushed on, "I saw Phillip blossom and grow into the incredible, strong, smart young man. He was my son, blood or not. I loved that boy and because his father was a terrible man he took my Phillip away from us all, he was too young" he sobbed.
Charity took his arm and tried to pull him away but he stayed, "Phillip was the best fucking guy I ever knew. He was 25! He had his whole life ahead of him and that bastard took him from us. He had a girlfriend, Anne. He loved her so goddamn much and now because of that sick bastard he's gone" he screamed punching the podium.
Constantine got to his feet and helped Charity guide P.T away he sat down in the stands and sobbed, W.D looked at Anne, "you don't have to" he said.
Anne shook her head and stood with tears in her eyes, "yes I do".
She made her way to the podium and looked at the inconsolable P.T. She took a deep breath, "Phillip was taken from us too young, there were things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go. I don't know how it would've worked, I'm black, he was white. But I dreamed of marrying him one day. I unfortunately never got the honour to call my amazing beautiful Phillip my husband" she began.
P.T sobbed louder at this, "it's not fair!" He cried, Anne shook her head, "I agree, it's not fair. Two and a half weeks ago one of ours was taken from us, he was much more than our boss. He was my boyfriend, he was your friend, he brought so much to the circus, he never stopped giving. He was the kind of man who would go above and beyond for any one of us here. As he showed by giving up his life so Josephine could live" Anne faltered.
She looked at the photo of Phillip and her, that smile on his face. He looked so happy there, "Phillip Carlyle is a hero! We will never forget him or what he did for her for us all, for if he had not agreed to the deal his father would have come back worse and worse. Despite it being his brother who killed him his father was very capable of murdering his own son and wouldn't hesitate for a second to take any one of us but Phillip cared deeply for every person here today and he gave himself up so we could live and continue doing what we love best as he did too" she preached.
She looked at the photos of Phillip again, "despite his troubled past his year he spent here he often told me was the happiest one of his life. My favourite memory of Phillip is just so typical of him. I had just finished rehearsals and I felt tired and I just wanted to sleep but Phillip was at the Barnum's and after a long day I just needed to see him. I got a carriage there and P.T and Charity let me in and lead me to the girls playroom and there Phillip was with Helen and Caroline and he was playing with them and it was the sweetest moment. He had that stupid grin on his face and then when he saw me standing in the doorway watching the three of them got me and P.T and Charity to join in too. Phillip was so loving and kind. He made everyone around him and I know he'll be missed greatly" she said.
Charles laughed, "he was a great guy" he called, "I remember the first time we talked, he asked me about each and every one of my tattoos, it took a while" Constantine laughed.
Anne sniffed, "Phillip Carlyle was the best man I've ever known, sorry D" she joked, he laughed, "I loved him more than I ever knew I could love anyone. He accepted me for who I was, to most I'm undesirable, or incapable to love but he didn't care about my skin tone. I would die to see him one more time, well I would have to" she laughed, but she felt the emotion build up inside.
She took the photo of them together and studied it. The way he held her close, the twinkle in his cool blue eyes. She wished she could go back to that moment, "I took Phillip for granted. I never imagined a day where he wouldn't be with us anymore. Sure I worried when he ran into the fire, or took that beating for me but I wouldn't let myself think of what would happen if he really died. And now, I'm standing at his memorial and Phillip's really dead…" She trailed off, her teardrops fell upon the photo in her shaking hands.
She shut her eyes for a second and looked up to the sky, "Phillip's dead" she whispered. W.D stood and made his way to her, "come on" he whispered, "Phillip I'm so sorry, it was my fault you got shot. Harvey's shot was intended for. I was the one who was supposed to die but Phillip took the shot for me. And now he's dead. Oh god, Phillip" she broke down.
W.D wrapped his arm around her shaking shoulders, "do you want me to take over?" He asked, his voice shook. Anne looked up to see her brother too was crying.
There were few occasions she'd ever seen him cry in her life, but here he stood with tears crawling down his cheeks, "you're crying" she realised
He swallowed hard and looked to the heavens, "Carlyle was pretty special to all us, myself included. I never thought I'd meet a man who I trusted to love you as much I did. That kid really grew on me, it's tough to see him gone" he croaked.
Anne smiled, "if only he was here to hear you say it, it would've met a lot to him" she sobbed.
She looked down at the damp photo of Phillip one last pain took over her body and she let the emotion through her, she'd been admittedly unsuccessfully trying to push the hurt away since Phillip had died but for the first time she let herself feel it. If she didn't accept the pain it may never leave.
W.D continued the memorial then Lettie when he couldn't continue. There was not a single person there who didn't cry.
She imagined him sitting next to him as she sat alone when W.D spoke, "wow I'm more popular than he thought" he laughed.
Anne turned to look at him, "I really wish you were still here" she sniffled, "well if I were still here you wouldn't need to hold me a memorial now would you" he teased.
Anne laughed weakly, "how are you dead? I never got to grow old with you, there were so many things I wish I told you. I never got to tell you the truth" she whispered.
He smiled and wiped the tears from her cheeks, "it doesn't matter, none of that matters. I treasure the time we did have together, you made me so happy. Now I'm in heaven and I get to watch over you until you join me".
Anne hugged him so hard he fell backwards in his seat, "I'm so sorry, it should've been me. You're so stupid, why did you take the shot?" Her voice was muffled against his chest.
He kissed her head and laughed, "you already know. Did you really think I would let you die for anyone let alone me? I love you far too much for that Anne Wheeler. You really do look beautiful" he said.
Her heart ached, "I want you to be real more than anything, I miss you" she hugged him hard.
He took her hands and pushed her away, "I am real, I'm always going to be in your heart. I'll always be right there when you need me. I love you so much Anne. I need to go, but I'll see you again one day" he promised.
She shook her head, "no please, I know you're in my head but don't leave me again. I need you" she begged but he was gone.
She sat on the bench next to her friends but she had never felt so alone.