GOD. I think I want to kill someone ._.

Every single time I tried to work on this chapter, someone needed help with something. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. ;~;

OHGREAT. And my friend just called me and said she was coming over to my house! –currently editing this chapter as I type this- See what I mean? SEE WHAT I MEAN?

I think it would be appropriate to cut the chapter into two parts. So I'll be posting part two soon!

Enjoy!

"You lied." Matthew said again, wondering how many times he could say it without the bitterness leaving his voice.

Gilbert turned his head and saw Ludwig was looking at him curiously. Gilbert shrugged and rolled his eyes, as if he had no clue what Matthew was going on about. He swore in his head.

"What else did you lie to me about? Because telling me that your two best friends getting sent away because of a bomb threat wasn't enough?"

"Giblert, what's going on?" Ludwig rose from the couch, suspicion in his eyes.

"Nothing, don't worry about it." Gilbert reached out and grabbed Matthew's wrist. "I'll be back in a few."

Matthew yelped and tried to yank his arm away, making Gilbert tighten his grip as he pulled him down the steps.

"Gilbert, let go of me!" Matthew was nearly yelling, his voice sounding more scared than furious. "Seriously, let go of me!"

"Shut up." Gilbert let go of his wrist as they rounded the back of the house. He saw that the red marks he'd left on Matthew's skin, and swallowed. But his fear of his brother finding out the truth overruled his emotions. "Ludwig doesn't know anything."

Matthew stared at him in fury with a hurt expression on his face. His eyes darkened.

"Oh really? Ludwig doesn't know either? And just how many people have you lied to since?"

"Who fucking cares?" Gilbert barked, then quieted down when he heard his own voice echo back to him. He drew up to his full height, towering over Matthew, and stared at him with a hostile expression.

"How do you know that I lied?"

Matthew didn't even flinch. "Toris told me." He nearly snarled.

Gilbert's eyes widened.. "Fuck." He spit out, running a hand through his hair.

Matthew could see that Gilbert was panicking, looking around as if he was going to find a way out of this mess.

"Gilbert." Matthew forced his voice not to waver. "I trusted you."

Gilbert looked back at Matthew, his hands still in his hair. He had thought that this would never happen, that he had hid it so well.

But now it was too late. And he knew that he was about to watch that final sliver of hope walk out of his life.

Gilbert laughed at the irony of the situation and walked onto the back porch, sitting down on the steps. God, he hated life sometimes.

"So…" He sighed in defeat. Yet, he was determined to still hold his head high. "Where do we start?"

"Tell me everything." Matthew said without hesitation. Gilbert flinched, refusing to look at him.

"Everything." Gilbert repeated. "Everything, everything, everyfuckingthing." He looked up at the sky. He stared at the setting sun, his face dropping down to a scowl. "You want to know everything. Everyone always wants to know everything. But sometimes it's better if they don't know anything at all. You know, so that no one gets hurt."

"Well, it doesn't always work that way." Matthew replied unsympathetically.

Gilbert looked over at Matthew. He smiled sadly, deciding to finally admit what he had always been thinking. "You amaze me more each time I see you."

Matthew only stared back at him coldly. But that was okay. He wasn't expecting a reply. He stared off into the forest.

"Today I was at hockey, and Ivan got in a fight with Mark. I always knew they didn't like each other, but right before they fought, Mark mentioned something about Ivan's sister…" Matthew looked at Gilbert. "Just like you had."

Gilbert didn't say anything and Matthew continued. "And then when we were at the bonfire, Lars said that you and Ivan used to be best friends."

"I'm surprised you remembered all of that." Gilbert said after a moment, "I thought that you had been too drunk both times to remember anything…I considered myself lucky." He shrugged, "Guess I wasn't so lucky after all…"

"Because hiding the truth keeps you lucky?" Matthew looked disgusted.

Gilbert shrugged. "Francis always did say I was selfish…"

"You are selfish." Matthew agreed, his voice laced with venom. He said the words before he could take them back.

"Yeah." Gilbert replied, his face falling sadly. "I know."

Matthew was taken aback by the sudden emotion on Gilbert's face. He almost forgot that he had ever been angry with him in the first place.

The sound of crickets filled the air, and fireflies lit up across the field. It would have been romantic.

"Ivan and I were best friends once." Gilbert began. "We weren't as close as Francis, Antonio and I were though. That was different. The three of us had been friends since we were little, so we were inseparable. No matter what happened, we still managed to pull through in the end. But Ivan and I were friends for…different reasons."

Gilbert paused, looking like he wanted to stop talking. But they both knew he had to keep going.

"When I was sixteen I guess I was bored with life. You know this, but Francis' parents are divorced. He has to help his mom with a lot of things that a father would usually help with. And Antonio is just an all around good person. I can't even think of a single thing that he's ever done wrong. They're both such great people, and I was the one that was pulling them back."

He laughed to himself, like he was remembering a joke. "I had always been jealous of my brother. Ever since he was old enough to get a job, I knew my father wanted Ludwig to work with him at the mechanic shop. He was the son any father would want. He's strong, has great work ethic, loves cars, and has manners. And then here I was, more interested in wanting to be a fucking math teacher of all things…"

Matthew watched as millions of emotions flashed over Gilbert's face. He looked like he wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

"School always came naturally to me. I passed all of my classes with a 4.0 or higher, easily." Gilbert snickered. "I was an idiot. Even though Ludwig got good grades also, he didn't even come close. But, who cared? Ludwig was the one that wanted to work with cars. He was the son our father wanted. I'm the failure in his eyes. I didn't want to inherit his business, something a first born son should be honored to do."

Matthew looked at Gilbert, surprised. He never knew any of this.

"My father pissed me off so much. And whenever I told Antonio and Francis about it, they either told me I was lucky to even have a father in the first place, or that he didn't actually see me as a failure. I always felt like no one understood me, and they were only trying to see it from their point of view. So I said fuck it, and I went out one night and decided to just start doing drugs."

"What?" Matthew stared at Gilbert in disbelief. "Just…just like that?"

"Yup." Gilbert shrugged. "I'm pretty sure you can tell by now that I'm kind of spontaneous in my thinking."

Matthew didn't say anything for a moment. "What…kind of drugs?" He asked hesitantly.

Gilbert looked at Matthew. "I can make you a list of the ones I didn't do. It would be a lot shorter."

Matthew looked at him, stunned. "But, why?"

"I don't know. Maybe so that I could shove it all in my father's face. 'You think I'm a failure? Just watch, I'll live up to your expectations.'…I wanted him to feel guilty, to walk in on me high on 2C-I or marijuana. I wanted him to feel bad that he didn't think I was as great or even better than Ludwig. I wanted him to regret and want to apologize for ever doubting me."

Gilbert made a small noise in the back of his throat. "So I basically did anything I could get my hands on. The weak stuff, the strong stuff, anything that would give me a high. I started partying more, and I would wake up in people's houses that I never even met before. But I loved it. Each time I came home after a night of partying, and see that angry look in my father's eyes, I'd get the satisfaction of knowing that I was proving him right. Ludwig was oblivious to it all, I made sure of that. Because, he's my baby brother, and I love him…" Gilbert trailed off, looking regretful. "I know that the older brother is supposed to be the role model, but how can you compete with someone that's already so perfect? I had never once been mad at him. This was never his fault. I've always been proud of him."

"Gilbert…" Matthew said quietly.

Gilbert shook his head, determined to continue. "Francis and Antonio always tried to talk me out of partying or doing drugs. They eventually came to the point that they let me do drugs, as long as I promised them they would be there with me, so that they could make sure nothing happened. They…they're the greatest friends anyone could have…"

"But I was so lost by the time they tried to help me, I started to hang out with people that I used to hate in school. Remember Ashley and Tove? They were the sluts. The girls that would get shit-faced, then do any guy they saw. Then there was Mark and Lars. None of us had anything in common. The only reason we were friends was to use each other. Lars had the drugs, Ashley and Tove had the parties, we all needed each other for our own reasons. "

"That's….why?" Matthew couldn't imagine being friends with someone just because of their mutual needed to get high.

Gilbert shrugged. "That's just how it works. The more parties you're at, the higher you climb on the social ladder. You usually have to use a few people while you're at it."

Matthew didn't say anything. Gilbert took it as a sign to continue.

"After a while, the things I tried didn't seem to have any effect on me. I began to get desperate. I was looking for something that would really shock my father. I guess it worked whenever I overdosed on heroin."

Matthew looked at Gilbert, bewildered.

"I remember waking up in the hospital, my father looking so angry. Someone had made up some bullshit lie, telling the police that someone had purposefully shot me up with too much against my will. But somehow, it worked. No charges were pressed against me." Gilbert leaned over and placed his head in his hands. "Ludwig was fifteen then, and I still remember the scared look on his face when he walked into the hospital room. He had always been more reserved with his emotions, but I watched as he cried and told me he thought that I had died."

"Did you stop doing drugs?" Matthew asked shakily.

Gilbert shook his head. "After that, I was pretty scared, but I couldn't stop. There was too much thrill in going crazy every night, and then waking up, never remembering what had happened. Basically everyone had given up on me by then. I was amazed they didn't force me into therapy…

Gilbert chewed on the inner part of his cheek and stared straight ahead. "That was around the time that I met Ivan…"

Gilbert took another inhale from his cigarette and drew it away from his mouth. He exhaled, the smoke clouding around his face. He flicked the cigarette and watched the ash float around in the wind until it eventually landed on the ground.

He was so bored. Antonio was at track practice today. He would have gone too, but he had decided to skip. This wasn't anything new. He could almost imagine what Antonio was saying, what excuse he was making up for Gilbert. If you missed more than three practices without an excuse, you were off the team.

Well, whatever. They could kick him off, he could care less. Antonio was the one that should stay in track. Ever since they were younger, he had always beaten him and Francis in foot races. It was insane. The kid was like lightning.

A tall figure rounded the corner, and Gilbert hastily put out the cigarette. When he looked up again, he saw that it wasn't a teacher, just a really tall student.

"Holy fuck, I thought you were a teacher." Gilbert breathed in relief, putting the cigarette back in his mouth and relit it with the lighter from his back pocket. Gilbert inhaled from the cigarette again and looked over at the kid.

He was tall, probably six foot three or something. He was also a pretty big guy, not scrawny. Gilbert had no doubt in his mind that the football team was practically on their knees, begging him to join.

The guy looked at him quizzically, his blond hair growing past his eyebrows. He flipped his hair away from his face and Gilbert saw that his eyes were violet colored.

"If you were so freaked out about me finding you, why are you smoking on school property in the first place?" He asked.

Gilbert flicked his cigarette again and shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I want to get caught. It'll piss my dad off if I get into trouble again."

The guy raised an eyebrow at him. Gilbert could almost hear him thinking, 'Dude, you're as weird as your white hair and red eyes.

"Do you have anymore of those?" He asked, pointing to the cigarette.

Gilbert sighed and took out the cigarette pack in his back pocket. He only had two left. He pulled one out and gave it to him. "I need to get more from Arthur anyway." He said out loud.

"Arthur?" The guy asked, pulling out his own lighter and lighting the cigarette.

"That British sophomore with the crazy clothing and hair? He has a fake ID, so I give him some money and he gets me a pack or two sometimes." Gilbert wondered if the kid would rat them out, but decided that it would be pretty hypocritical of him.

"A sophomore?" The guy exhaled through his mouth and nose at the same time, something Gilbert couldn't seem to achieve, no matter how much he practiced."He's in my grade then." He said thoughtfully.

Gilbert's eyebrows went up in surprise. "No shit? You're a sophomore? Fuck, I thought you were a senior."

He shook his head. "No, my sister is going to be, though."

Gilbert perked up. A sister? He wasn't going to lie, this dude wasn't too bad looking. If his sister was half as good looking, or even better looking…

"What's her name?" Gilbert asked.

"Katyusha." He answered, and Gilbert's eyes went wide.

"Shit, that's your sister?" He exclaimed. She just flew over from Russia and was new to the school. After taking one look at her chest, Gilbert was in love with Russian girls. "Then, you're Ivan, right?" He had thought he'd heard a bit of an accent in his voice, but the school was international. It wasn't uncommon to meet people from different countries.

Ivan nodded. "Yeah, we transferred over. Our father lives here, so they decided to send us to a school in America."

Gilbert looked on thoughtfully as he flicked his cigarette to the ground. He stood up and twisted his foot over it. "So, how do you like it here so far?"

Ivan shrugged, "No offense, but American vodka sucks."

Gilbert threw his head back and laughed. "You're just trying all the wrong stuff, man. I know some people that get theirs imported straight from Russia."

Ivan looked at him interested. "Really?"

"No shit. I'm actually going over there tonight, I could pick you up if you want."

"Yeah, I'd like that." Ivan took a final inhale, then threw out his own cigarette.

Gilbert grinned. "Well Ivan, you're going to have a lot of fun with us."

Ivan grinned back at him.

"I picked him up that night and we went to Ashley's house. We got high for a few hours, and we even tried some of her parent's Russian vodka…" He smirked and placed his head in his hands. "Shit, I don't even remember anything after that."

Matthew was silent.

Gilbert straightened up and sighed. "Yup. That's pretty much what happened. And then after that night, him and I started to hang out more. I don't know, we'd go over to each other's house and just talk about stuff. His dad wasn't the greatest person in the world, and he smoked sometimes because he had to keep up the good grades since he's been here on a scholarship. He was actually pretty cool, but…" Gilbert drew his lips back like he smelled something bad.

"Gilbert…" Matthew said into the silence. "What happened?"

Gilbert looked at Matthew. He looked so curious, it almost made Gilbert laugh.

Francis sighed in frustration and watched Gilbert lay on the bed, and stare at the ceiling.

Music blared downstairs, voices mixed in with the noise. The light from the hallway cast shadows as people walked past the door, trying to find an empty room for them to make out in.

Gilbert's eyes gradually turned from glassy to clear and he blinked several times. He was silent for a moment, then he cleared his throat.

"What happened?" He asked quietly, his voice was scratchy, sounding like he was sick.

"You took someone's prescription, then thought it was a good idea to take some shots right after." Francis sounded tired, so much older than seventeen.

Gilbert raised his head and rubbed his eyes. "Fuck, I think I blacked out again." He said it casually, like it was as normal as waking up to eat breakfast.

Francis didn't say anything, and only stared at him. He had done this too many times to count. Gilbert looked around the room he was in, then laughed quietly. "I wonder who's house I'm in."

Francis scoffed in disgust and looked away. Gilbert looked at him, and raised an eyebrow.

"You have a problem, Francis?" He asked, a grin on his face. He was still a little tipsy.

"No, besides the fact that I was thinking whether or not I should call the hospital for the past three hours, because I thought you were going to die. No, I don't have a problem."

Gilbert shrugged. "You shouldn't have worried about it. I'll be fine. Worse stuff has happened to me." He stood up from the bed and wobbled on his feet, his head hurting. The sound of the music only made it worse. "Where's Antonio?" He asked, looking around.

"He had to go home. He has a track meet in a few hours, and I told him that he should get some sleep." Francis glared at him. "He wanted to stay and keep an eye on you."

"Awww, Anton is so fucking sweet. No wonder not even Romano can resist him." Gilbert walked toward the door. He stopped and placed his forehead against the door, breathing in slowly. Fuck, the drugs were making him sick.

"Gilbert, go back and lie down." Francis said sternly, watching his every move.

Gilbert shook his head, his eyes shut tight. "Dude, I need to walk around. I can't fucking lie down, especially on a night like this…"

Francis stared at him, "Gilbert, we both know that if you go out the door, you're just going to hang out with Ashley and you're going to take something that you don't even know the name of, probably have sex unprotected again, and wake up, not even remembering who you are."

Gilbert laughed, his forehead still against the wall. "Fuck you, Francis. You know me too well."

Francis' eyes widened, and his expression turned livid. "Gilbert." He said slowly. "You're not invincible."

Gilbert turned his head and looked at Francis. They stared at each other for a long time. Then finally, Gilbert looked away.

"Whatever, bro." Gilbert opened the door and stumbled out into the hallway.

"Gilbert!" Francis yelled after him, but the crowd of people in the hallway quickly swallowed him up out of sight.

"Agggh, fuck." Gilbert said, gripping his forehead. His head throbbed each time he took a step. The music sounded loud as it jumped around in his brain. His cell phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, holding it shakily with his hands.

New Text Message from: Ashley

Where r u? I'm outside.

Gilbert didn't reply and put the phone back in his pocket. Making his way past everyone swaying to the music (everyone had drunk enough alcohol at this point that they couldn't even more coherently anymore), he gripped onto the door handle and pulled it open. A breeze of cool air hit him and he felt temporary relief from his headache. Walking down the steps, he saw Ashley leaning against the wall of the garage. He made his way over toward her.

"Last time I saw you, you wandered off with Francis. What'd you two have sex or something?" She smirked. She had never liked Francis, ever since he had turned her down. He flirted with a lot of women, but not with whores, he had said to her face after she had tried to get with him.

"You know it." Gilbert hardly paid attention to what she was saying. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close. She smelled like beer. But it was a distraction against his headache. He looked over and saw a tool shed. "Tell me that shed over there is unlocked."

Ashley bit her lower lip as she slid her hand up his thigh. "Well, let's go check it out." She giggled and leaned against him. "Tove went with Sadiq and decided to fuck him, the slut." She spit the words about her best friend.

She was drunk again. But Gilbert didn't mind. He couldn't remember the last time they had ever fucked sober. The two made their way toward the tool shed.

Ashley pulled open the door and shrieked when she saw two people already making out on the floor. The guy on top of the girl jumped up in surprise, and both saw that it was Mark. The girl barely responded, still lying on the floor.

"Oh, great. It's just you." Ashley said, annoyed. She looked down at the girl, and raised an eyebrow. "Really? You can't even fuck a sober chick?"

Gilbert didn't even bother pointing out the irony of the situation.

Gilbert stared at the girl for a moment before looking back at Mark. "You gave her roofies, didn't you?"

Mark had a sheepish expression on his face. "Nah, she's completely drunk. She did it to herself, then started throwing herself all over me."

"Looks kind of young…" Gilbert observed.

"She said she was in ninth grade. Her name is Natalie or something." Mark shrugged.

Ashley had been staring at the girl in silence for a while. Her eyes widened and she gasped. "Holy shit, that's Natalia! She's so fucking weird!"

Mark shrugged, grinning. "Not my problem."

Ashley pushed past him and leaned over to get a better look. Her shorts rode up her ass, and Gilbert saw Mark stare. He honestly could have cared less. It was too obvious that they wanted to do each other.

"Oh my god, guys. Natalia is such a freak. She totally hangs around and watches us during cheerleading practice like she wants to have sex with us or something. I swear she's a freakin' lesbo."

"Dude, lesbians are hot." Mark said, an excited expression on his face. Ashley stared at him, unimpressed.

"Nice one." She turned back to stare at her. "Fuck, guys. She's such a wannabe. She tries to hang out with me and Tove all the time, and she stalks us. Like, get a fucking clue." She got down onto her knees next to Natalia. "I bet she thinks she's super cool because she's at a party where no freshmen are allowed." Ashley stood up, tittering on her heels and walked over to Mark. She grinned at him, then dove her hand into his pocket and pulled out a pocketknife.

Mark looked at her surprised, looked at the knife, then Ashley.

"Ashley, what are you doing?" Mark asked, looking at the blade nervously.

Ashley giggled. She tossed her brown hair out of her face. "I'm going to have some fun!" She squealed, holding up the knife. "I'm putting the ugly bitch in her place!"

Mark stepped forward hesitantly, not sure if he should restrain her. But in the blink of an eye, Ashley crouched down by Natalia again, grabbing a fistful of her hair. Taking the knife, she violently sawed back and forth until the hair ripped away. She grabbed another handful and continued cutting until the only hair left on Natalia's head was barely past her ears. It was a short, choppy mess.

Ashley put the blade back in and handed it to Mark. She pulled out her makeup bag from her purse and removed some lipstick. Using the very red lipstick, Ashley smeared it across Natalia's lips, giving her a clownish smile. Natalia only groaned, but didn't stir otherwise.

"Hey, bitch." She snickered, "Sluts have to wear a lot of make up to look good." Mark had taken off Natalia's t-shirt so she was only wearing a bra, so Ashley took the lipstick and wrote 'Wannabe' in cursive across her bare stomach. She threw the lipstick aside, then pulled out some eyeliner. Grabbing Natalia's cheeks roughly, she wrote 'SLUT' across her forehead in jagged letters. She giggled, then wrote 'bitch' and 'skank' on each cheek.

Gilbert blinked his eyes hard. The pills he had taken were still affecting him. He stared at the ground, and it started to shift underneath him. He staggered and grabbed the doorframe for support. Fuck. He looked at Ashley annoyed. He wanted to go inside and lay down, but he knew that if he didn't wait for her, she'd bitch like there was no tomorrow. He hated it whenever she fooled around like this.

Ashley finally stepped away, looking at what she had done. Because of the lack of light in the shed, the lipstick on Natalia looked like blood.

"That'll teach the fucking cunt." Ashley said, sounding proud. She threw the eyeliner into the back of the shed, then stepped outside of the shed. Mark followed after her, giving one last look at the girl lying motionless on the ground. Ashley took the shed door and slammed it shut. She grabbed the lock and snapped it closed.

Mark looked at Ashley bewildered. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Chill out, someone will find her." Ashley said nonchalantly.

Mark didn't say anything. He was drunk, and he loved Ashley. Gilbert wasn't stupid. Despite the circumstances, Mark looked reassured that, yes, someone would find her. No big deal.

No big deal.

Gilbert wondered if someone had some painkillers on them. The three walked back toward the party, acting like nothing had happened.

Three hours later, the party had quieted down, and most of the people had either passed out by now, or left. Gilbert was lying on a bed, alone. Ashley had gone off with Mark to 'talk', as if that was all they were doing.

The walls were moving like they were waves in an ocean. The LSD was wearing off.

The door opened with a quiet click and Gilbert thought maybe it would be Ashley, but instead, it was Ivan.

Ivan squinted into the dark and saw Gilbert lying on the bed.

"Hey, have you seen my sister?"

Gilbert thought for a moment. "I didn't know Katyusha came to these things…"

Ivan shook his head, "No, not Katyusha, my younger sister, Natalia. Have you seen her?"

Gilbert blinked several times. The asprin laced with the LSD made it look like Ivan was vibrating in place. He looked away to the wall.

"No." He lied.

A week later, there was a new profile on Facebook. The name read, "I'm a Whore!" and the profile picture was a photo of Natalia, smiling as if all was right.

Matthew looked at Gilbert horrified. In front of him, he was seeing someone that he didn't know at all.

"Gilbert…" Matthew took a shaky breath. "Gilbert, why didn't you do anything? Why did you just sit there, while that girl…!"

"Why did I?" Gilbert asked the question out loud, "Because I had no idea what the fuck was going on, I thought I was hallucinating. Because I had just fought with my best friend, someone who had decided to stay with my fucking ass for three hours, instead of just letting me to overdose. Because I didn't care about anyone else…" Gilbert looked down, and as if in a moment of thought, he bit his lower lip. "I only cared about getting what I wanted."

Matthew gave a shaky sigh and opened his mouth.

"And…what happened to her?"

Gilbert snorted. "Natalia? She came into school, and she played it off that she'd had her hair cut. She had gone to some hairdresser to get her hair fixed, and they had to cut it shorter than her ears. It was hideous. She sat at lunch alone, because all of her friends in her grade had ditched her, and every time she saw the cheerleading team, they threw stuff at her and called her 'slut'. And do you know what I did?" Gilbert looked at Matthew. "Nothing. I didn't do anything about it. Even when Ashley pushed her and threatened to fight her after school, I stood there and let it happen. I didn't give a shit if some girl was being bullied."

Gilbert shook his head. "And it was only a matter of time until Ivan found out."