Crap I'm sorry I took so long! I was a little unmotivated and caught up in Catch Me :) the next chapter will jump forward in time but I haven't decided how far yet...probably a year or so.

She didn't move for a long time. She felt heavy. Just heavy. So she didn't move and instead kept tired eyes on her hands that remained tangled in Rocinante's mane. At least she was warm for that was something she hadn't been for the past few days. It took a long time for her to realize that along with the body heat from her mare she was being warmed by a grey wool blanket.

She stared at it for an even longer time trying to figure out what it was and if she had brought it herself but she didn't remember. She didn't think she did. When Rocinante lifted her head from her lap Regina let her arms fall to her lap and she looked her in the eye and let her mind wander. She thought about many things, no one topic staying long enough for it to be significant. Her gaze followed Rocinante's when the mare turned her head and perked her ears.

Her husband sat slumped against the wall of the stall with his legs outstretched and his hands in his lap as he slept. Her mouth pulled in to a thin line, a frown as she looked him over. He looked tired. And sad. With a kiss on Rocinante's muzzle and a soft scratch of thanks behind her ear Regina crawled over to James. Silently she slipped herself under his arm and nuzzled herself right up against him as he started to wake up.

He didn't say a word he just wrapped his arms tightly around her and closed his eyes as he turned his head in to hers. He didn't want to say something wrong and have her retreat within herself again. She was there this time and not an empty shell and he didn't want that to change.

They stayed in silence for awhile, James on the verge of tears and Regina trying to build up the courage to look him in the eye. Perhaps she would start with words, "I love you."

James' brow knitted together and his eyes squeezed tighter as his lips pressed together to keep himself from crying but when the words came out they were as emotional as ever, "I love you too."

"I'm sorry," she whispered and took tight fistfuls of his loose ivory shirt as she turned her head in to his chest.

James shook his head and did not loosen his arms, "you aren't reverting to darkness and are instead finding a better way to cope," he shook his head and spoke quietly in to her hair, "you don't need to be sorry for that," he kissed the top of her head and she turned her head so her face was buried into his chest.

She didn't say another word and it had him frowning but she was there and she was had come to him and he could feel her working her away at trying to figure out how to make it better for the both of them. "Snow misses you," he whispered and began playing with her hair, comforted when her finger started moving over his chest, "Ruth misses you. I miss you."

"I miss you too," she whispered and laid a soft kiss on his chest, "I'm just stuck," she frowned and shook her head slowly against him, "and I don't know how to get out."

"Let me help you," he was answered with a shake of her head and a trembling body as she began to cry quietly. He only held her tighter and moved his thumb repetitively over her hairline around her ear.

"I don't know what I need."

...

Ruth rolled her shoulders to release some of the tension in them as she continued wandering the castle for her son and Regina. The woman had not said a word to anyone but Henry and Claude so here she was cradling two swords in her arms and asking anyone she came across if they had seen either of the couple. No one had.

"Oh!" She whispered at the sight of her son crossing the hall ahead of her, "James!" She called as she hurried toward him, her arms starting to ache from carrying the swords for so long.

James stopped and turned back around at the sound of his mother's voice. As he looked down the hall he smiled and walked up to her, "I was looking for those," he reached forward and took the swords from her arms, his smile growing a little more when she took a deep breath and stretched her arms.

"I've been looking for you everywhere! I thought these may help you two," she nodded toward the blades and then shrugged, "I mean I suppose we could get our hands on some sheep but this is just easier."

"Thank you."

Ruth shook her head, "no need to thank me dear. Just performing my motherly duties."

"By giving us swords to swing at one another?" He teased and she laughed quietly.

"Like I said, I don't have any fluffy sheep."

...

He found her standing beside her apple tree looking up at its leaves and dark red apples. She had gotten dressed; her night gown replaced with a charcoal grey coat that nearly reached the ground, matching grey buttons holding it closed around her slim waist that should have been able to grow round. Beneath her grey coat she wore a simple red shirt with a low swooped neck and pants that were black to match her boots. It seemed she didn't want to trouble herself with heels that afternoon for the boots she wore had none. Half her hair was pulled up and away from her face while the rest of it was left to hang in dark silky curls that ended in the middle of her back.

Even in the sad atmosphere surrounding them both her beauty made his heart skip and he hoped that that skip would never fade. Silently he made his way to her and gently lifted her hand and closed it around the hilt of one of the swords. She stared down at it with no one expression and he gave her hand a small squeeze before letting go and backing up a few strides with his own sword in his hands, "come at me."

"James I-"

"Come at me."

"I am not in the mood-"

He swung his sword but brought it to a halt against her neck. She didn't even blink. He did however catch the way her eyes switched, going from empty and hurt to the beginnings of a raging fire. He withdrew his sword, scraping the edge of his blade against her jaw and off her chin as she lifted her head high once more.

She stared him down but he did not back off, "you are angry Regina. You are angry, you are miserable, you are scared, you are worried, you are hurt," his voice was stern and his posture was forward, almost aggressive and the muscles in her neck and jaw flexed with building emotion, none of it pleasant.

"Let it out Regina!" He boomed and she held her ground unblinking but tense and ready to snap so he urged her forward, "you can not keep it in anymore! Hit me! You are safe with me! Let it out! Attack me!" He yelled and she lunged at him with a vicious scream and he blocked her forceful blow with his blade, a loud crash of metal echoing through the courtyard that was followed by many many more that grew in strength and speed.

It was important that he didn't miss her quick blade with his own, he had to break her down and if he were to miss a block and she were to land a blow be it hovering or full force, she would shut down once again and he would have to start over. She was fast but he had learned from her and she had taught him much so while it was difficult, he did not let her blade hit him. Instead he pushed her, attacked her and watched the tears start to pool in her eyes as she bared her clenched teeth and swung harder and moved faster.

It was not just one thing. It was not just the loss of her child. It was everything. Every clash of their swords had a memory flashing behind her eyes. Hit. Running and playing with her father, pink ribbons in her dark hair as she ran and jumped on his back and he carried her small child self around as they both laughed without a care in the world. Hit. Presenting her mother a drawing of herself with her in the hopes of earning even the smallest of smiles from her but instead being pushed aside. Hit. Trying so hard to do exactly what her mother asked of her but getting hurt with magic anyway and then trying to keep the tears from her eyes because she knew they would only result in more pain at her mother's hand.

Hit. Running to her father and crying in to his knees as he tried his best to comfort her and shield her from her mother. Hit. Receiving Rocinante as a gift from her father so she would have somewhere to escape to when she was unable to run to him. Hit. Meeting Daniel. Hit. Kissing Daniel. Hit. Loving Daniel. Hit. Laughing with Daniel. Hit. Meeting Snow. Hit. Teaching Snow. Hit. Loving Snow. Hit. Losing Daniel. Hit. Trying to love Snow but feeling nothing but pain. Hit. Suffering in silence as loneliness ate away at her. Hit. Meeting Rumplestiltskin. Hit. Banishing her mother. Hit. Hating herself for missing the woman who caused her so much fear and pain.

Hit. Running to Rocinante to finally free herself from that miserable life but then stopped by Rumplestiltskin and agreed to learning magic. Hit. Marrying the king. Hit. The wedding night. Hit. Hit. Hit. Failing to bring back Daniel. Hit. Her father's sudden disappearance. Hit. Darkness eating away at her without her full notice. Hit. Hating Snow and hating herself for it. Hit. Meeting a kind shepherd in her ride to forget who she had become and try to remember who she truly was. Hit. Chasing sheep with the shepherd. Hit. Laughing with the shepherd. Hit. Riding with the shepherd and feeling like everything would be okay again. Hit. Meeting Ruth and seeing what a mother should be. Hit. Having the mother she always wanted, a mother that would smile just at the mention of her.

Hit. Falling in love with the shepherd but knowing that it would never work out in the end. Hit. Slowly learning how to love Snow again. Hit. Giving Snow a second chance at keeping a secret that she held close to her heart. Hit. Kissing her shepherd despite knowing the possible consequences. Hit. Learning her shepherd's name and telling him hers. Hit. A broken promise. Hit. Hit. Hit. Hit. Arguing with Leopold. Hit. Damning Snow. Hit. A broken heart. Hit. Losing her shepherd. Hit. Leaving her new mother. Hit. Killing the king. Hit. Loneliness. Hit. Anger. Hit. Chasing out Snow. Hit. Hatred. Hit. Murder. Hit. Magic. Hit. Despair.

Hit. Finding her shepherd. Hit. Loving her shepherd again. Hit. A second chance. Hit. Getting her preferred mother back. Hit. Getting Snow back. Hit. Marrying her shepherd. Hit. Losing her child. Hit. Everything not just one thing. Love, hatred, suffering, happiness, loss, gain, comfort, pain, loneliness. Everything until there were tears streaming down her face and her arms were losing the strength necessary for swinging her sword. She didn't care though. She didn't care until her hand could no longer hold her sword and it fell to the cobblestone with a loud clatter.

Her hands and arms were shaking as she lifted them up and stared at the ground with tears falling from her eyes as she panted and cried through clenched teeth, physical exhaustion mingling with emotional. He dropped his sword as well and marched toward her and pulled her head up to his, tasting the tears that salted her sweet lips as he kissed her harder. Her shaking arms wrapped around his neck as she kissed him back and she didn't let go. "Come back to me," he whispered against her mouth as she cried and pushed her forehead against his.

"Okay," she whispered in return and nodded before she caught him in another kiss and felt his arms snake tighter around her. Throughout their sword fight she came to one conclusion. It was one she had come to before but it seemed she needed a refresher and that it was a much stronger need than she had previously believed. She needed James. He fixed her and he did so without anything in return except for her love. He had fixed her twice before when everyone including herself believed she could not be fixed and now he was doing it again, it only took him a little bit longer because he was not quite whole himself. It was her turn to step up and care for the man she hadn't even truly considered to be broken because he was never broken, "I love you."

...

It had been a week and a half since the fight between the king and queen and he could not express how much he wished he had had the opportunity to watch the queen handle a sword. Perhaps he would get lucky and have the chance to spar with her. That aside the reasons behind their sword fight were no less heart wrenching. There had certainly been improvement however. The king and queen were smiling more and whenever the pair were together they were always talking and how they never tired of it and never ran out of things to say to one another he did not know but he was envious of it and could only hope that he could have that with Snow.

This time he had luck on his side and found the queen alone. She stood on a balcony overlooking the forest as she soaked up the warm afternoon sun, "your majesty," he greeted politely and smiled when she turned to look at him.

"There is no need for titles Lancelot," she replied, a small smile gently curving her mouth.

He smiled in return and pushed his hands forward, his smile growing a little when she cocked her head and eyed the small mound of dirt in his hands with a small green sprout emerging, "I brought you a gift."

"What is it?"

"A tree," he answered simply with a smile and his gaze dropped to the small plant, "I tried to find an apple tree but they are surprisingly hard to come by. This is an oak. With proper care it will grow to be large and strong and with a little magic I'm sure it will be big enough in time for a child to play beneath," he offered kindly and she stepped forward with her eyes studying the small tree, "I thought you may like something small to care for...even if it is just a tree for the time being.

He smiled when she did and found a new respect for her when she cupped her hands and reached them forward without so much as a second thought aimed at the fact her hands would get dirty. Aside from Snow, every other royal he had met would turn their nose up at the very thought of getting dirty. It was refreshing to see a queen who took no notice. A queen who dressed as a commoner and chased sheep with a poor shepherd until she fell hopelessly in love with him.

The soil was cool to the touch as Lancelot slowly opened his hands in hers to carefully place the tree in her hands, "thank you, that is quite thoughtful," she spoke quietly through a small smile.

"You are very welcome your-" he stopped and breathed out a laugh when she lifted her eyes to meet his and raised an eyebrow, "Regina," he corrected himself and her dark brown eyes dropped back down to admire the small green sprout, "you are very welcome Regina."

...

With her little mound of dirt in her hands she walked seamlessly through the many corridors of her castle to where she knew she would find James. Sure enough she found him learning battle strategies or something of the sort with Claude, "James."

James lifted his head to the soft raspy tone of her voice, "yes sweetheart?"

"May I borrow you for a little while?"

"Of course," he nodded and glanced down curiously at the dirt in her hands before standing up and saying his goodbyes to Claude and following Regina out of the room. James fell in step beside her, wrapping his arm around her waist and holding her close to him, "what do you have there?"

"A tree. Lancelot gave it to me as a gift."

James smiled and rubbed her side with his hand, instantly understanding the meaning behind the gift, "we are going to go plant it then?"

She nodded and shrugged a little, "I know it won't replace anything but it's something to...I don't know..."

He kissed the side of her head and she rested her head on his shoulder as they walked and looked at the tree, "I understand. I think it's a wonderful idea."